hunk Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Hey guys, haven't been around in a while - have had some pretty major sh#t going on in my life (currently at the tail end of recovering from an orchiectomy) but i'm fine. Anyway if anyone remembers i made a thread a few weeks back about my ex who messaged me out of the blue after about 7 months. It's been playing on my mind alot. I'll post the actual exchange Her - "Hey, i guess you might not reply to this .. but i wanted to say hey and see how you were doing and stuff" Me - *short rundown on how i am, no real detail, told her i was planning on travelling soon, asked how she was* *she responded, irrelevant detail, tried to ask more about what was going on in my life* Me - "Hey i was at *bar we used to go to* tonight, they've done the place up really well, let's get a drink and i can thrash you in ping pong again" Her - "Yah sounds good. More the drinking though. I hate losing." Me - "Sweet. Let's do early next week? I've got work later in the week" Her - Excellent.. except i have a really horrible exam coming up and it's making me kind of sketchy. Are you going to be around in a few weeks? Just cos i'll be able to drink more and potentially look less like an actual walking corpse.. If not though let's do next week. Me - Oh damn, that sounds brutal. Nah that's fine. Just let me know when you're back in the land of the living *no response* Anyway she hasn't contacted me at all and this was about 3 weeks ago. I just want to know people's opinions on what I should do here. I'm thinking i'm just going to straight up call her on Monday. I have no idea why she messaged me and it's driving me insane. For the record our last exchange before this was a really horrible texting convo where i admitted during our relationship i was still hung up on my ex, and she basically told me to never speak to her again, kill myself, **** myself, etc etc. Thanks guys, hope everyone's good:D
912brian24 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 She's playing with those emotions! She's just seeing where you stand so just keep trucking man!
aloneinaz Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 If it smells like, looks like, and tastes like her checking to see if she still had power over you, YOUR CORRECT.. DON'T contact her again Hunk.. She was simply bored and was wondering if you'd engage w/her to stroke her ego and self esteem. She threw out a baited hook w/that text and you hit the line big time. You need to stay NC my man to get over her, once and for all. Her texting and vanishing speaks volumes about her character. She's not someone you should waste anymore thoughts, energy or time on. Stay strong and ignore her. 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Her - "Hey, i guess you might not reply to this .. but i wanted to say hey and see how you were doing and stuff" Me - *short rundown on how i am, no real detail, told her i was planning on travelling soon, asked how she was* Here's what my response would be if my Ex sent me a text like that: Her - "Hey, i guess you might not reply to this .. but i wanted to say hey and see how you were doing and stuff" Me - "Oh Fuuuuuuuuu** You!" /me angry at myself for forgetting to block her number from text messages. I'm not one to be so vulgar, but that complaisant BS isn't gonna fly with me.
Author hunk Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 If it smells like, looks like, and tastes like her checking to see if she still had power over you, YOUR CORRECT.. DON'T contact her again Hunk.. She was simply bored and was wondering if you'd engage w/her to stroke her ego and self esteem. She threw out a baited hook w/that text and you hit the line big time. You need to stay NC my man to get over her, once and for all. Her texting and vanishing speaks volumes about her character. She's not someone you should waste anymore thoughts, energy or time on. Stay strong and ignore her. I feel you here man. This would be my usual thought process. However I was 100% the cause of the breakup and I literally broke her heart and used her, like, I was completely in the wrong for the entire time we were together. I have no idea why she would want to contact me after what I did to her which is leading me to think she still has feelings for me. There is no reason for her to just want attention from me. I can't imagine her coming out and telling me she wants me back after how we left things and after how i treated her. I feel like this is as close to babysteps in terms of reconciling as i'm going to get from her. I keep going from thinking I didn't show enough interest when she contacted me, which probably took some guts on her half, and she thinks i've totally moved on, to thinking exactly what you just said - that she just wanted an ego stroke.
DJOkawari Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) Well, it doesn't really matter what's going on, on her end. If it is messing with your head, then you gotta cut it out. If it wasn't, you could call her and give her all the attention she craved or whatever because it wouldn't change your life. Seems like the former to me, so as everyone said: NC, NC, NC! It's easy to give advice. You're in a tough spot, good luck man!! Edited August 14, 2015 by DJOkawari
aloneinaz Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I feel you here man. This would be my usual thought process. However I was 100% the cause of the breakup and I literally broke her heart and used her, like, I was completely in the wrong for the entire time we were together. I have no idea why she would want to contact me after what I did to her which is leading me to think she still has feelings for me. There is no reason for her to just want attention from me. I can't imagine her coming out and telling me she wants me back after how we left things and after how i treated her. I feel like this is as close to babysteps in terms of reconciling as i'm going to get from her. I keep going from thinking I didn't show enough interest when she contacted me, which probably took some guts on her half, and she thinks i've totally moved on, to thinking exactly what you just said - that she just wanted an ego stroke. Let me help you here. If she still liked/loved you, she wouldn't be vanishing during a text and then NOT following up with you to meet. My STRONG vote is she's simply being spiteful and playing games with you. She was bored and just wanted to see if she could f-with your head. I wouldn't waste anymore time with her. You two have too much baggage in your history. It wouldn't last if you tried again because she wouldn't be able to let go how you treated her the first time. 2
Author hunk Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Let me help you here. If she still liked/loved you, she wouldn't be vanishing during a text and then NOT following up with you to meet. My STRONG vote is she's simply being spiteful and playing games with you. She was bored and just wanted to see if she could f-with your head. I wouldn't waste anymore time with her. You two have too much baggage in your history. It wouldn't last if you tried again because she wouldn't be able to let go how you treated her the first time. I think you're actually completely right here. If she was interested in getting back with me she would be following this up and I wouldn't have gone 3 weeks without hearing anything after I even asked her out for a drink. I really don't understand. I don't understand what she gains from messaging me at all. What satisfaction could she possibly get from that? Now I'm just pissed off. You are right though man, thank you.
StellaGrace Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Given your history, I guess I'm not as cynical about her as some of the other posters seem to be. I imagine she still misses you despite the pain you caused. To break it down - she said she had an exam and asked if you'd be up for a drink in a "few weeks". That doesn't mean exactly three. She did also offer to meet you when you suggested a few days hence despite her exam. Who knows - maybe she changed her mind thinking it might not be a good idea to get drunk with someone she once cared for who broke her heart. Or maybe she will reach out to you again. But I really don't see a reason for your anger. 2
lolablue17 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I would call her if i were you. You have nothing to lose. If she isn't into you, well, you have it now, the same. But you must follow your guts, and your guts tell you that maybe he's testing the water, maybe she's calmed down, and wants you back but to afraid to make the step. Just call her... be above all those games. 1
pillowpuffs Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I have sort of refrained from posting my thoughts here because it's contrary to what a lot of you have posted/ what a lot of you feel. Generally, based on what you said above and from the earlier thread you had posted where your ex had first texted you a few weeks back, I think she's trying to reach out to you. She made it clear she wanted to meet up with you and she also made it clear that she was going to be busy for the next few weeks. It's not like she randomly suggested "let's meet" and appeared to be free when she actually wasn't. I think if, like you said, that you were entirely responsible for the relationship failing and she contacted you out of the blue after things had ended badly - that's the step she's making to try to reconnect (whether to be friends or otherwise, I'm not sure) so it could be that she's waiting on you to follow up. At the same time, perhaps she has changed her mind from when she first originally reached out to you. Like the above poster said, be above the games. If you really care/want to take the chance, why not just reach out? If it doesn't work, hey you tried, no regrets. If it does work, see how it goes! Yes some people are selfish and are just trying to see if you're still on the hook, but you have to look back and think of the sort of person she is and you can decide from there what route to take. Good luck on whatever you decide! Ultimately, please do what you want to do, what you think is right after hearing everyone out. 3
aloneinaz Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Whether you chose to not contact her again or simply pick up the phone and talk to her (if she answers it or calls you back), the big rock here is if you two or compatible. What if she ignores you or plays more games cause she just wants to reject you now out of spite? Ok, let's say you call, she agrees to meet up and you two decide to try to date again. Is it going to work after all the drama and hurt feelings of the first time? It's hard to imagine that you'd treat a woman who rocked your world as bad as you say you did the first time. I'd think she simply didn't do it for you, even if you were still hung up on your last ex when you dated her. The other MAJOR issue is her carrying all the resentment and anger into the reconciliation from your first go around. This site is a testament that recycling failed relationships RARELY work out. R/S's are hard enough when starting fresh with someone new. They are MASSIVELY difficult when restarting one with a past history of a break up, poor treatment, etc.. I suspect you're simply not into her but rather are carrying guilt that you treated her poorly. I'd assume you've apologized to her and if so, you should leave her where she is, in the past. 1
Author hunk Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Thanks guys appreciate it . In some twisted turn of events I ran into her in the street about an hour ago. We haven't seen each other in 7 months so it was extremely nerve racking and I think we were both putting on a bit of a front - we were really chummy and friendly and it felt super strange. She kept touching my arm and saying how it felt like no time had passed (this really confused me). She said today was her last exam and she was going to text me next week. We were both going out and I had to meet a friend so we agreed to grab a drink early next week but I didn't actually set a date (I want her to contact me). So yeah all in all was very strange. She seemed really nervous but also seemed happy to be around me. I do think I've been cynical regarding this, but I just do not want to end up being friends. I want to try again with her. When we meet up how do I play this? Just casual or do I bring up trying again ?
Author hunk Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Ahh AIA man you are the voice of reason here.. I've had about 5 months to properly think about all of that and while you're definitely spot on with everything there I feel like I can honestly say I know that I genuinely want her back. I know what caused me to treat her the way I did and it was issues with myself and my mental state. I want to give it another go because when I wasn't a disconnected distant self absorbed idiot we were really really good .. I really appreciate the insightful advice though, keep it coming
Yummm Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I have a feeling it's been dwelling on your mind alot due to you recovering from surgery. I've seen sick recently since i've been back from holiday and my ex plays on my mind alot. Don't allow yourself to get hung up over her for any longer. You've made an effort to apologize and meet up again with no avail, so let her come to you if she changes her mind, but continue to move forward buddy. 1
lolablue17 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I think you shouldn't play games, just tell her how you feel. BUT! I advice you not to tell her immediately. only after 1-2 hours, or even on the next date. I mean, do not throw yourself at her right at the beginning.
aloneinaz Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Ahh AIA man you are the voice of reason here.. I've had about 5 months to properly think about all of that and while you're definitely spot on with everything there I feel like I can honestly say I know that I genuinely want her back. I know what caused me to treat her the way I did and it was issues with myself and my mental state. I want to give it another go because when I wasn't a disconnected distant self absorbed idiot we were really really good .. I really appreciate the insightful advice though, keep it coming No matter which path you take, I wish you luck my man. 1
StellaGrace Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 How do you play this? You tell her the truth. You tell her you f'ed up and you've had a lot of time to think about it. Own your crap. Tell her how you've changed and that you would really like to try again. But don't wait for alcohol courage - do it in the early part of the evening before the two of you are drunk. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 How do you play this? You tell her the truth. You tell her you f'ed up and you've had a lot of time to think about it. Own your crap. Tell her how you've changed and that you would really like to try again. But don't wait for alcohol courage - do it in the early part of the evening before the two of you are drunk. He's already done that if I recall correctly, at least everything but the liking to try again part. And I wouldn't tell her that I've changed if I were him -- words are cheap. Just showing her through his everyday attitude would be much more beneficial if he gets in that position. Anyway, you ran into her, she said she'd be in contact next week, so there's no reason to do anything right now. Keep charging forward and deal with things as they come. 2
LeslieKnope Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Just to add to all the voices chiming in: as someone who was dumped by a guy like you who told me he wasn't over his previous ex, I can tell you that I would never ever contact my ex just to f**k with his head. I was too much in love with him (still am) and heartbroken to do something so cruel. I would however contact him if I missed my ex enough that I could not hold NC anymore. She messaged you after 7 months, right? I would bet 5 bucks she waited that long after NC in hopes that you've finally gotten over your previous ex and wanted to give it another shot. I don't want to say you'll definitely get back together because you probably still have a lot of stuff to work out, but I think it's a great thing to keep an open mind and go for drinks. You already spent 7 months apart, what could happen: you don't hear from her again? So what, you weren't talking before she texted you anyway! Not that I would ever apply this to my own situation (because my brain thankfully knows better now), but your story actually cheered me up a bit. I'm rooting for you! 3
StellaGrace Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 He's already done that if I recall correctly, at least everything but the liking to try again part. And I wouldn't tell her that I've changed if I were him -- words are cheap. Just showing her through his everyday attitude would be much more beneficial if he gets in that position. That's the whole point - he's got to put himself out there and tell her that he wants to try again. Otherwise it's just coy smiles and touching of arms and avoiding the elephant. As a woman, my first question to a guy who broke my heart because he wasn't over his ex would be to find out how he has changed - what he has worked on and how it will be different - otherwise I wouldn't let him into that position in the first place. 1
Author hunk Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 So she texted me last night asking if I was free Wednesday so it looks like Wednesday's the day. I'm pretty damn nervous and admittedly not really sure to what extent or if at all I should bring up the R or the breakup. Even though she reached out to me , she seemed pretty damn flat and I was trying to be kind of lighthearted and a bit jokey and she was giving me literal 3 word answers. It threw me off a bit . It was like she seemed reluctant to set this up or something , or she's worried that I'm being "overly friendly " meaning I want to get back with her and she's not interested
martaldn Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 So she texted me last night asking if I was free Wednesday so it looks like Wednesday's the day. I'm pretty damn nervous and admittedly not really sure to what extent or if at all I should bring up the R or the breakup. Even though she reached out to me , she seemed pretty damn flat and I was trying to be kind of lighthearted and a bit jokey and she was giving me literal 3 word answers. It threw me off a bit . It was like she seemed reluctant to set this up or something , or she's worried that I'm being "overly friendly " meaning I want to get back with her and she's not interested i think you should meet her up and see how it goes. Over-analyzing things only bring more tension and doubts. Just take it easy and go with the flow.. you know her already so it should be easier for you to understand her reactions/behavior good luck and let us know!
dyna85 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 i think you should meet her up and see how it goes. Over-analyzing things only bring more tension and doubts. Just take it easy and go with the flow.. you know her already so it should be easier for you to understand her reactions/behavior good luck and let us know! I second this. Don't overthink it. Just go w/it and see what becomes of it. I'd say things are looking good if she suggested the date.
aloneinaz Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 So she texted me last night asking if I was free Wednesday so it looks like Wednesday's the day. I'm pretty damn nervous and admittedly not really sure to what extent or if at all I should bring up the R or the breakup. Even though she reached out to me , she seemed pretty damn flat and I was trying to be kind of lighthearted and a bit jokey and she was giving me literal 3 word answers. It threw me off a bit . It was like she seemed reluctant to set this up or something , or she's worried that I'm being "overly friendly " meaning I want to get back with her and she's not interested Oh boy... I hope you have your head right here my friend. What do you think her objectives are with this contact and meet up? I hope it's not her looking for "closure" and answers to how you treated her.
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