smackie9 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 He is in contact with you still, so there are possibilities there.....what is he doing? He has a life.
mrldii Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 If I tell you to chill out I might end up on a missing person report, but it's just a date and it's clear you liked each other. Don't worry, be happy I've learned so much about people's insecurities by reading this site. I asked an acquaintance out for a drink after work and she told me she spent the whole day excited and stressed out about whether it was a date or not. It seems even a woman at 50 has all the insecurities of a teenage girl. I remember oh-so-long-ago when dating was fun and we were warned that people change once you marry and that's when the real work and stresses begin. Now, it appears we begin perched at the Orange Level...and the stress just escalates from there until it has no choice but to self-implode.
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Hi everyone! I'll try to keep it short: I rarely meet anyone I like, ever. I'm very picky. Well, Saturday I met someone. We connected on a dating app and he took me on one of the best dates (dinner, really interesting art gallery, drinks) I've ever been on. We really, really hit it off and ended up staying out until 3am talking and making out. He took me home and immediately texted me saying he had a blast and thank you for going out. I replied something similar. He texted again the next day saying he wanted to hang out again soon. I replied something like, "me too!" -------------------- ***Tuesday around 4 he asked if I wanted to grab dinner...so, pretty short notice. I didn't want to look overly-available so I pretended I was running into a meeting and told him I'd be done around 8. By the time I looked at my phone around 7:45, he'd given a million suggestions for dinner (like, seven texts in a row) then said maybe we should just do a different night and was actually pretty tired but he really wanted to hang out soon.***** ------------------ I replied asking if he was sure, I could still meet him and I wanted to hang out soon too. He replied yes, he was just going to make it an early night but he absolutely wanted to hang out soon. I responded something funny and he didn't respond to it. Now I'm a bag of nervous energy wondering when he's going to ask me out again. Am I being crazy? How do I stop being so anxious? Do I have anything to be nervous about? What's going on here? I should mention he's much older than me, has kids, is divorced, a busy job, etc... HELP! Daisy, re quote in asterisk above (I can't bold on i-phone), did he really leave seven messages between 4 and 7:45? Wow. And why did you not read or respond to any of them? Because you were in a *pretend* meeting? I am not getting that. Why did you do that? What a game! When he asked you out at 4, if it was too last minute for ya, then it would have been better to say you'd love too, but unfortunately you can't make it and then suggest another night when you can. NOT this game of pretending you are going into meeting, and then completely ignoring seven texts messages..... IMO, the reason why he has backed off and lost interest is because he sensed you were playing games (which you were)....men can sense these things, so can women. Next time, no pretending, no games. Be authentic and genuine and behave with integrity. Lesson learned.... 1
ChicagoSparty Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Actually, I think it worked out in you favor. What you don't want is someone thinking you're available at their beck and call. So by not accepting his extremely last minute invite, you're letting him know he has to plan w-you in advance. If he tries it again, I'd decline but tell him you're free 2-3 days later. Yep. The last thing anybody wants or needs in their lives is sponteneity. God forbid every interaction with another person not be planned way, way in advance. If I ever met somebody who was put off by a last minute invite, it wouldn't be a problem for long, because I would just scratch that person off the list. Life doesn't always need to go through Outlook. 3
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) To add to my previous post, what baffles me is why you didn't check your phone for 3.5 hours ...what were you doing that you couldn't check your phone? You weren't in a meeting, that was a lie, a game you were playing....so why did you not check phone? Makes no sense to me. Did you not hear the texts coming in? My phone is constantly buzzing when a text comes in, and keeps buzzing until I read. I am convinced when you ignored his seven texts with suggestions for dinner, he sensed you were playing a game, or just not that interested, or rude. By 7:45, he probably felt very frustrated by your non-response, hence him saying he was *tired* ....but 'let's hang out soon.' He knew by then he didn't ....was just going through the motions, so to speak. That said, I do think sending seven messages is a bit obsessive, so this is probably all for the best anyway. But next time, be more honest and don't play games cause games will always come back and bite you in the ass. Edited August 21, 2015 by katiegrl
Empyrea Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Was it 7 separate text messages or is it more like 7 lines of text on messenger or whatever app you guys are using? Because that's a bit different and I don't think it's necessarily strange at all. Nor is not checking your phone for 3 hours! I know I happen to be glued to mine at all times, but not everyone is. And in communicating with someone like that, I try to match their replying time a little bit just so as to not appear too eager or at least pretend like I have a life. For example the guy I'm dating often takes hours to reply, but the thing is - he really does have a life and is actually not glued to his phone at all. And I know this because when we are out on a date, he doesn't check his phone for hours nor have I ever seen him text or message anyone while we were spending time together. So it's not strange to me that he takes long to reply because he prefers face to face communication and likes to give people his undivided attention. So it really depends on the persons habits and phone addiction, but not replying for a couple of hours definitely shouldn't deter anyone from ever trying again. Especially when you've given a good (albeit fake) reason.. On a separate note, though, not really getting great vibes from this guy. Maybe try to amp up communication between dates to feel him out, but not suggest meeting him until he does?
Author daisybuchanan55 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Guys, thank you for the replies! To clarify, he asked me out for the movie around 4 and we had a few texts back and forth between then and when the "meeting" started at 6:15. I told him I was running into the meeting and would be done between 7:30 and 8 and could meet him after. During that time (4-7:30) I was running around getting home, showering, getting my nails done, etc...essentially, spending that "meeting" time getting cute for the date! I was in yoga clothes all day! Certainly couldn't go looking like that! The seven texts came in between 7 and 7:35. They were all suggestions for movies, movie times, etc. The last one was him saying he was tired. Now, though, with this concert thing, it SUCKS. I really, really liked him when we went out. A LOT! And I just don't know if he's screwing me around, if I'm playing on HIS timetable (I mean, come on, if he REALLY wanted to see me he would've put aside his "tiredness" wouldn't he????) My texts to him last night were all REALLY nice. I worry too nice! I basically said "Yes, let's definitely do something next week, I need your help with XYZ" (his area of expertise) to he responded "Will do cutie." I did not respond to "Will do cutie," because it was friggin 1 am. Should I have responded?! I feel like...I was really enthusiastic. I told him I could still meet up, I told him I needed his help, I made jokes about the concert...shouldn't he know I'm interested!?
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Guys, thank you for the replies! To clarify, he asked me out for the movie around 4 and we had a few texts back and forth between then and when the "meeting" started at 6:15. I told him I was running into the meeting and would be done between 7:30 and 8 and could meet him after. During that time (4-7:30) I was running around getting home, showering, getting my nails done, etc...essentially, spending that "meeting" time getting cute for the date! I was in yoga clothes all day! Certainly couldn't go looking like that! The seven texts came in between 7 and 7:35. They were all suggestions for movies, movie times, etc. The last one was him saying he was tired. Now, though, with this concert thing, it SUCKS. I really, really liked him when we went out. A LOT! And I just don't know if he's screwing me around, if I'm playing on HIS timetable (I mean, come on, if he REALLY wanted to see me he would've put aside his "tiredness" wouldn't he????) My texts to him last night were all REALLY nice. I worry too nice! I basically said "Yes, let's definitely do something next week, I need your help with XYZ" (his area of expertise) to he responded "Will do cutie." I did not respond to "Will do cutie," because it was friggin 1 am. Should I have responded?! I feel like...I was really enthusiastic. I told him I could still meet up, I told him I needed his help, I made jokes about the concert...shouldn't he know I'm interested!? Not that it matters, but when my sis sends me one long message, it often comes in as multiple different messages, not sure why. But it was just one message. That said, thanks for clarifying... makes much more sense than how you worded it in original post. This one sounds done though, sorry
fitnessfan365 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Yep. The last thing anybody wants or needs in their lives is sponteneity. God forbid every interaction with another person not be planned way, way in advance. If I ever met somebody who was put off by a last minute invite, it wouldn't be a problem for long, because I would just scratch that person off the list. Life doesn't always need to go through Outlook. Actually spontaneity in dating is great. But there's a big difference between last minute invites w-someone who's schedule your somewhat familiar with, and someone you just started seeing. As I was referring to in my original post, things should be planned at least a few days in advance in the very beginning. But once I've been seeing a woman for a little while and know her a bit better, I'm all for asking her to get together day of. Guys, thank you for the replies! To clarify, he asked me out for the movie around 4 and we had a few texts back and forth between then and when the "meeting" started at 6:15. I told him I was running into the meeting and would be done between 7:30 and 8 and could meet him after. During that time (4-7:30) I was running around getting home, showering, getting my nails done, etc...essentially, spending that "meeting" time getting cute for the date! I was in yoga clothes all day! Certainly couldn't go looking like that! The seven texts came in between 7 and 7:35. They were all suggestions for movies, movie times, etc. The last one was him saying he was tired. Now, though, with this concert thing, it SUCKS. I really, really liked him when we went out. A LOT! And I just don't know if he's screwing me around, if I'm playing on HIS timetable (I mean, come on, if he REALLY wanted to see me he would've put aside his "tiredness" wouldn't he????) My texts to him last night were all REALLY nice. I worry too nice! I basically said "Yes, let's definitely do something next week, I need your help with XYZ" (his area of expertise) to he responded "Will do cutie." I did not respond to "Will do cutie," because it was friggin 1 am. Should I have responded?! I feel like...I was really enthusiastic. I told him I could still meet up, I told him I needed his help, I made jokes about the concert...shouldn't he know I'm interested!? Sorry Daisy. But you encourage this behavior by always responding to him and agreeing to these last minute invites. Since he knows that you're available at his beck and call, that's why he repeatedly blows you off. My guess is that he's dating other people and keeping you on the back burner as an option in case another woman he's dating falls off the radar. If he actually wanted to see you, he'd be more firm w-plans and actually show more respect for your schedule. He wouldn't say "maybe next week" and then make you sit around for an entire week not knowing what the hell is going on. My advice? Be honest and firm w-the guy. Tell him that you don't appreciate him always asking you out extremely last minute and then blowing you off. That if he wants to have a date w-you he needs to give you a little bit of notice and actually make concrete plans. Edited August 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365 3
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Actually spontaneity in dating is great. But there's a big difference between last minute invites w-someone who's schedule your somewhat familiar with, and someone you've never even had one date with. As I was referring to in my original post, things should be planned at least a few days in advance in the very beginning. But once I've been seeing a woman for a little while and know her a bit better, I'm all for asking her to get together day of. Okay ff, but she didn't say no, she wasn't available (and offered an alternative night). ....she only rescheduled for later that SAME night..... by lying and pretending she was going into meeting. Was that really necessary? I mean why lie about the pretend meeting? That is what I am not getting. Why not just say sure, I am available around 8:00 pm? Does that work for you? She wasn't "teaching" him anything by still agreeing to the same night, but later. If she wanted to teach him to respect her time, she should have told him "sorry I am not not available tonight, but how about x, y, z night?" Don't you agree?
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Actually spontaneity in dating is great. But there's a big difference between last minute invites w-someone who's schedule your somewhat familiar with, and someone you just started seeing. As I was referring to in my original post, things should be planned at least a few days in advance in the very beginning. But once I've been seeing a woman for a little while and know her a bit better, I'm all for asking her to get together day of. -------- *******Sorry Daisy. But you encourage this behavior by always responding to him and agreeing to these last minute invites. Since he knows that you're available at his beck and call, that's why he repeatedly blows you off. My guess is that he's dating other people and keeping you on the back burner as an option in case another woman he's dating falls off the radar. If he actually wanted to see you, he'd be more firm w-plans and actually show more respect for your schedule. He wouldn't say "maybe next week" and then make you sit around for an entire week not knowing what the hell is going on. My advice? Be honest and firm w-the guy. Tell him that you don't appreciate him always asking you out extremely last minute and then blowing you off. That if he wants to have a date w-you he needs to give you a little bit of notice and actually make concrete plans*****. ^^^This!! ....
Diezel Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Tuesday around 4 he asked if I wanted to grab dinner...so, pretty short notice. I didn't want to look overly-available so I pretended I was running into a meeting and told him I'd be done around 8. Stop doing this. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 ^^^This!! .... Haha.. Glad you posted this because my second part of the post basically says exactly what you were pointing out on what she should do..LOL
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Haha.. Glad you posted this because my second part of the post basically says exactly what you were pointing out on what she should do..LOL Yeah, I posted that before reading your subsequent post....
Author daisybuchanan55 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 LOL. I know. When I like someone I play games. It's a really bad/hard habit to break, but I do it out of insecurity. Which is ridiculous...I have nothing to be insecure about. So, presuming he asks me out again, what do I do to prevent this BS "I'm tired"/last minute crap? SO OVER IT!
Diezel Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 You say yes or you be honest and say it's too last minute. I don't get why honesty and straight-forwardness is so hard for a lot of people? If you can't make it, suggest a different time and day that works. 3
Author daisybuchanan55 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Oh and just a side note, I'm not usually like this. I actually have a reputation as being kind of a badass/sassy with guys...but that's because I don't ever like anyone! I like him. That's why I'm acting like an idiot. Want to stop this horrible cycle with him. HOW?
fitnessfan365 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Oh and just a side note, I'm not usually like this. I actually have a reputation as being kind of a badass/sassy with guys...but that's because I don't ever like anyone! I like him. That's why I'm acting like an idiot. Want to stop this horrible cycle with him. HOW? It's basic human nature to like a challenge. Some women tend to mistake the anxiety that comes from being jerked around as a "spark" or "butterflies". They love the drama of not knowing what will happen. Always remember that when a guy legitimately likes you, he shows it with actions. He wouldn't jerk you around like this. So you just need to change your way of thinking, and start liking guys that actually seem to like you back. LOL. I know. When I like someone I play games. It's a really bad/hard habit to break, but I do it out of insecurity. Which is ridiculous...I have nothing to be insecure about. So, presuming he asks me out again, what do I do to prevent this BS "I'm tired"/last minute crap? SO OVER IT! Haha.. There's a lot of irony in this post Daisy. You're sick of the games he's playing, when you admit that you've played games a lot in the past when you like someone. Maybe it's karma paying you back. Edited August 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
myothernic2 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Actually spontaneity in dating is great. But there's a big difference between last minute invites w-someone who's schedule your somewhat familiar with, and someone you just started seeing. As I was referring to in my original post, things should be planned at least a few days in advance in the very beginning. But once I've been seeing a woman for a little while and know her a bit better, I'm all for asking her to get together day of. Sorry Daisy. But you encourage this behavior by always responding to him and agreeing to these last minute invites. Since he knows that you're available at his beck and call, that's why he repeatedly blows you off. My guess is that he's dating other people and keeping you on the back burner as an option in case another woman he's dating falls off the radar. If he actually wanted to see you, he'd be more firm w-plans and actually show more respect for your schedule. He wouldn't say "maybe next week" and then make you sit around for an entire week not knowing what the hell is going on. My advice? Be honest and firm w-the guy. Tell him that you don't appreciate him always asking you out extremely last minute and then blowing you off. That if he wants to have a date w-you he needs to give you a little bit of notice and actually make concrete plans. You are so spot on with this.
Author daisybuchanan55 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 All right...was thinking about it...what's your take (anyone's) on catering to a man's schedule? This guy is UBER-succcessful...like, CEO of a multimillion dollar company. I'm also pretty successful and tend to play these games to show men they aren't getting away with anything. Which, apparently, I'm **** at the games too LOL. So, I guess my question is, because this guy is busy, successful, etc...should I loosen up and just go on these last-minute dates?
Author daisybuchanan55 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Also, how do I tell him to stop being last-minute without looking like a bitch? Should I remain sweet but firm? Like... "Aw, I wish you had asked earlier!! I already have plans!" Will he get the hint? Or even more obvious? "I would love to go but I already have plans!! You should try asking further in advance, I'm a busy girl ;)"
fitnessfan365 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) All right...was thinking about it...what's your take (anyone's) on catering to a man's schedule? This guy is UBER-succcessful...like, CEO of a multimillion dollar company. I'm also pretty successful and tend to play these games to show men they aren't getting away with anything. Which, apparently, I'm **** at the games too LOL. So, I guess my question is, because this guy is busy, successful, etc...should I loosen up and just go on these last-minute dates? You know how people grow to be successful in business? By making/keeping appointments w-clients that fit their schedule and showing consistency. If this "UBER successful" guy wanted to land a client, do you think he'd call them at the very last minute and propose a meeting 1-2 hours later out of nowhere? Would he'd keep blowing them off? It's all about priorities. Now as I said before, I think he's dating other women. That's fine because you two aren't a couple. But if you do want to create value and make yourself seem like you're worth the effort, you have to value your own time. Once again, I'm not knocking spontaneous dating. I'm a big fan. However, in the very beginning when you're trying to get to know someone and their schedule, I think some more notice is warranted. Also, how do I tell him to stop being last-minute without looking like a bitch? Should I remain sweet but firm? Like... "Aw, I wish you had asked earlier!! I already have plans!" Will he get the hint? Or even more obvious? "I would love to go but I already have plans!! You should try asking further in advance, I'm a busy girl ;)" I'd just keep it simple with - "I already have plans tonight. But are you free later in the week?" Edited August 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 You know how people grow to be successful in business? By making/keeping appointments w-clients that fit their schedule and showing consistency. If this "UBER successful" guy wanted to land a client, do you think he'd call them at the very last minute and propose a meeting 1-2 hours later out of nowhere? Would he'd keep blowing them off? It's all about priorities. Now as I said before, I think he's dating other women. That's fine because you two aren't a couple. But if you do want to create value and make yourself seem like you're worth the effort, you have to value your own time. Once again, I'm not knocking spontaneous dating. I'm a big fan. However, in the very beginning when you're trying to get to know someone and their schedule, I think some more notice is warranted. I'd just keep it simple with - "I already have plans tonight. But are you free later in the week?" Agree with ff. By continuing to tell him you already have plans (but suggesting another day).... you send him a clear message that if he wants to date you, he needs to ask you out in advance. There is nothing bytchy about that. It's called having boundaries, which he will RESPECT. And whatever you do, DO NOT treat him special or differently just because he is successful! Treat him just as you would any other man you are dating...his money or success is not relevant. What IS relevant is that he treat you with respect. Good luck! 1
Jejangles Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I have a bad feeling about this guy. He is not showing firm signs of interest with last minute invites and late night meet ups. He is acting way too casual for such an early stage of dating and treating you like an option. If I were you, and my anxiety was going off like yours is, I would walk away. In my experience those anxious feelings are a giant red flag that indicates trouble down the road. It's easy to mistake anxiety for chemistry. Having said that, I think you're into him and not ready to walk away. So I would go with what others have said. Reject his last minute invites sweetly but firmly and make an offer for a more appropriate time. And act a little less eager - right now you are screaming "I like you" and "I'm available on your schedule". Step back a little, without playing games, and act a little cooler by enacting your boundaries. Good luck! 2
Author daisybuchanan55 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 I do really like him. Here's the thing: I'm rarely "mandatory busy" at night...and when I like someone, I'd obviously rather blow off a yoga class or drinks with a group of friends to go on a date! So that makes saying "no" to last-minute dates hard!!! I'll be honest...I'm afraid if I say no to a last minute invite and suggest another day, he'll either be busy that night and the plans will fall flat, or this very minor "relationship" we have going will fizzle completely. I feel like I HAVE to go to keep the momentum going, plus, isn't it game playing if I reject a last-minute invite so I can sit at home and watch The Bachelor? I think we can all safely say this guy is obviously dating around. He's probably not looking for anything serious either...I mean, he was married ten years! He's been divorced less than a year! I'm guessing he wants to play the field. That's all fine by me. I like him and I am confident I can get this guy to date me if I'm patient and let him do his thing.
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