Boyfriend's best friend is still in love with him; how to communicate I'm upset?

August 14, 2015

My boyfriend's best male friend is IN LOVE with my boyfriend. He repeatedly crosses my boyfriend's boundaries, and it makes me so mad. I don't know how to communicate this with my boyfriend in a way that doesn't alienate him. I don't want my boyfriend to feel like he has a me or friend dichotomy... I just want his friend to knock off his bad behaviors.

The friend is his best, dearest, closest childhood friend who he lived with for a few years when my boyfriend's family life was rough. They have a deep friendship bond. This much I understand.

It's more than friendship for his friend, however. Everyone joked for years that he was gay and in love with my boyfriend. (The friend's family would disown the friend if he ever came out and is vehemently anti-gay.) The friend always had a bunch of weird behaviors that made everyone question whether he was in love with my boyfriend, but sort of jokingly...

...until the friend insisted on giving my boyfriend oral sex and begged him to have a threesome with another girl so the friend could watch my boyfriend having sex. This was a week or so ago.

Of course, my boyfriend said HELL NO. It made him extremely uncomfortable that his friend would even ask.

But ever since that happened, I have felt angry at the friend. The friend will not stop trying every trick in the book to get as much attention from my boyfriend at ANY cost. Negative attention is still attention.

NOW, the friend lives 2,000 miles away for college. I have to deal with him for a week or two over Christmas. A week or two over summer. That's pretty much it. That's the ONLY reason I let a lot of really strange things the friend did slide (up until the sex proposition).

Most recent case in point: the friend was jealous boyfriend spent a night at my house this week, instead of with him, before friend went three hours away to the beach. Friend purposely hid his laptop in my boyfriend's bag, and then called my boyfriend once he arrived at the beach, demanding that my boyfriend drive three hours to bring him his laptop because he needs it to type papers or he will fail his externship.

So, my boyfriend drove three hours to deliver the friend his laptop...

The friend is constantly doing things like this. If he were permanently long-distance, I wouldn't care so much. BUT. The friend is moving back home in about seven months.

If the friend were a woman, this behavior would be right out. It's awkward because my boyfriend has the childhood friendship bond with him, and his friend is in total denial about his sexuality. My boyfriend can't discuss it with him. It's like the elephant in the room.

The friend blows up his phone every day, sending pages and pages of messages. "Bro, I love you. Bro, I miss you. Bro, I miss the times when you and me used to hang out and do nothing or everything. I can't wait to be with you. I love you, bro."

Every. Single. Freaking. Day. My boyfriend *doesn't reply,* and the friend will routinely go on for pages.

My boyfriend is an extremely patient person. He's young and still feeling out his boundaries. There's something with his upbringing with his mom where he HATES to disappoint and can be manipulated with guilt (which his friend LOVES to cash in on... like a psycho girlfriend). My boyfriend always wants to do the best for everyone and provide; he takes a failure to do so VERY personally and is hard on himself. He sometimes overextends himself this way, and I do question his capacity to say no. In the past year, my boyfriend has really firmed up his boundaries, but it's like it kills him to be firm with the friend.

The friend WILL cry. The friend has cried many times in the past. Sometimes the friend cries when the boyfriend leaves to get the boyfriend to stay (especially if the friend knows the boyfriend is coming to my house).

My boyfriend is slowly getting fed up with the friend. He never shows me his texts (nor would I expect him to), but he started showing me all these f'cked up texts the friend sends him because it makes the boyfriend uncomfortable.

I told my boyfriend how I felt horribly disrespected when his friend propositioned him for sex. He used to change the subject when the friend would tell him he wanted to watch my boyfriend have sex with a random person; now my boyfriend tells the friend flat out that's disrespectful. In this capacity, he heard my feelings loud and clear and has since enforced boundaries appropriately.

I think the whole thing is bothering me because my boyfriend is hesitant to generally put up a strong boundary because he doesn't want to hurt the friend. One night, the friend complained about my boyfriend not coming to see him because he was with me. My boyfriend said "he was too tired to drive," rather than saying he was with me... because the friend would get upset if the friend knew boyfriend was with me instead of him. Upset = 30-45 phone calls and a nonstop stream of whining, complaining texts all night long.

If the friend moves home and my boyfriend allows him to pull this crap all the time...

The friend has a huge problem with my boyfriend being in a primary relationship that does not include the friend, because the friend was basically the primary relationship through childhood. Since the friend moved away, it's like his yearning for my boyfriend has intensified in an unhealthy way.

The friend calls him crying drunk almost every weekend, "Bro, I love you, I miss you!" When we went camping, we told the friend to bring his own tent; we had to kick him out of our tent for bedtime, and then the friend slept on the ground beside the door of our tent.

Every two or three days the friend does something new and ridiculous that wears on my nerves and really sparks my concern for my boyfriend's well being... like the laptop incident, or eating a bunch of drugs and getting my boyfriend into a car accident. *!*

I don't know what I can say, or what I should say to my boyfriend. I'd feel better if he told his friend to stop taking advantage of him, and put a stop to the weird manipulations to get my boyfriend to spend more time around him because the underlying motive is he has a giant crush on him, coupled with an unhealthy emotional attachment.

I don't know if I should fight that battle... or only express my distaste when the friend does something to violate my relationship with my boyfriend, like make weird sexual propositions.

The whole situation has this obsessive undertone on the friend's part and it's rubbing me the wrong way. I think about the laptop and it gives me a rotten feeling in my stomach.

My boyfriend said he was pissed at the friend when he got there to deliver the laptop today, but then they hung out all night and they're hanging out all weekend.

It gives me bad vibes... Not sure what to say and not sure what to let go...

I'm hoping the friend will push my boyfriend away with his stupid behavior, which appears is finally starting to happen... but it also appears a few more gigantic catalysts will have to fall into place, which could include another car wreck, a bad incident with drugs, or god knows what else.

The friend goes away again for seven months on Monday. Thank god.

None of my boyfriend's other friends behave remotely like this one.

Edited August 14, 2015 by blackcat777

August 14, 2015

1. Tell him his friend makes you uncomfortable. Ask that he limit his discussion of him.

2. Ask that when you are together, that takes precedence over everything else. See how he would feel about turning off or not checking his phone.

3. Don't make this a huge issue between you, or you will be giving friend exactly what he wants.

4. Do not demand that he dump his friend. Just state your boundaries about YOUR interaction, and say that you need those to be respected.

August 14, 2015

My boyfriend has always been extremely respectful with keeping his phone off, and doesn't answer the friend's calls while we're together. If he forgot to turn it off and friend calls, boyfriend turns it off.

Can you please elaborate more on your thoughts about #4? I think this is where I'm trying to organize my thoughts and emotions are still taking precedence.

Thanks for your input.

August 14, 2015

This guy, the not gay but so-gay friend...has a serious problem.

He is OBSESSED with YOUR boyfriend!

This is a horrible position, but I disagree that you can't say what needs to be said.

Gay obsessed friend is miserable without the validation of your partners attention and time.

You BF can't or won't put his foot down

You don't like the situation one bit, nor should you...

result?

NO ONE is happy.

Gay friend needs therapy, he needs to get over your BF, and realise the boundaries he is crossing.

No matter what happens someone will get hurt.

If the worst happens, and you break up over this, then the problem remains (gay friends obsessive behaviour).

Your goal is to get your boyfriend to understand that this relationship he and gay friend have is utterly destructive, and MUST change, don't make it about you.

Neither your boyfriend or this other guy are, or can be happy with this behaviour.

Frankly gay friend needs a swift hard kick!

August 14, 2015

yxalitis, you made the lightbulb go off in my head. The whole situation is the definition of crazy-making. But that is definitely the angle I need to express my concerns from, that of the friend's behavior being destructive: it hits the nail on the head, first and foremost, and it also takes me out of the equation.

I was so angry, I couldn't come up with a way to voice what was disturbing me without painting it twenty colors of red. (So I didn't say anything... and came here instead. )

My boyfriend is becoming increasingly uneasy, which is why he started showing me texts and expressing concern. I want to keep that channel of communication open with him, because my concern is for his well-being (friend is reportedly also doing REALLY shady stuff with drugs that could wreck my boyfriend's career, and friend's recklessness is scary).

It's also an effective way to approach the situation because I can refer to problem behavior, instead of making angry statements he might interpret as "dump your friend," which is not my intention.

Friend just needs a behavior check, and seriously, some therapy, but I sadly don't seem him headed for any kind of self-improvement soon.

Thank you for bouncing ideas with me. I feel better about how to approach this now. I feel a huge, sweeping sense of relief, actually.

I'm normally able to get to the root of my emotions and communicate through issues, but this one was really throwing me for a loop.

September 13, 2015

My boyfriend has always been extremely respectful with keeping his phone off, and doesn't answer the friend's calls while we're together. If he forgot to turn it off and friend calls, boyfriend turns it off.

Can you please elaborate more on your thoughts about #4? I think this is where I'm trying to organize my thoughts and emotions are still taking precedence.

Thanks for your input.

Sorry - I didn't see this post.

Perhaps things are better with you now, but my number 4 was about the concept that you can't ever force someone else to do something, so there is usually no point discussing it beyond the very basics. You can only decide what you will tolerate. Eg., I won't tolerate being in a relationship where I feel that your friend gets more of your attention/care/time than I do. Or, I won't tolerate being in a social situation with that person (friend). (Or, in a more serious situation, I won't tolerate being the target of verbal abuse.) Boundaries don't always have to be categorical (and of course you can change them), but that's the basic idea. You state (or show by actions) what your bottom line is (be careful, though, because if you issue an ultimatum you need to be prepared to follow through). If the other person doesn't agree, then depending on how serious that bottom line is you will know exactly what the problem is and you can then decide how to deal with it - including by walking away if necessary.

It sounds like your BF has some concerns about the friend's behaviour, so you can definitely support him in coming to terms with that, while still maintaing your own bottom lines about the degree to which you'll accept this other person in your life.

September 13, 2015

This story has Brokeback Mountain written all over it.

Your boyfriend drove 3 hours to bring him his laptop?? ya right. Your boyfriend never heard of FedEx or UPS?

Sorry I would not deal with this. There is an underground story here that you're closing your eyes to. I think your boyfriend and this guy are getting it on once in a while. That's why the friend is so emotionally involved and your boyfriend is accepting this presence.

September 13, 2015

Actually, the friend came home for another visit the other weekend and started up with his usual shenanigans... and my boyfriend reamed him out until he cried and set him straight.

Of course, I'll still be watching how it unfolds. But my boyfriend finally put his foot down. It was amazing.

The friend is also moving away again, 2,000 miles from home, permanently, so he won't be within driving distance after the next couple of months.

My boyfriend's roommates were also concerned by some of the friend's disturbing behavior. We all had a long talk together after my boyfriend laid down the law. There was unanimous agreement that the friend's behavior is toxic and only bringing my boyfriend down.

There haven't been any problems since.

The friend is also younger than my boyfriend and immature as hell.

September 13, 2015

My boyfriend's best male friend is IN LOVE with my boyfriend. He repeatedly crosses my boyfriend's boundaries, and it makes me so mad. I don't know how to communicate this with my boyfriend in a way that doesn't alienate him. I don't want my boyfriend to feel like he has a me or friend dichotomy... I just want his friend to knock off his bad behaviors.

The friend is his best, dearest, closest childhood friend who he lived with for a few years when my boyfriend's family life was rough. They have a deep friendship bond. This much I understand.

It's more than friendship for his friend, however. Everyone joked for years that he was gay and in love with my boyfriend. (The friend's family would disown the friend if he ever came out and is vehemently anti-gay.) The friend always had a bunch of weird behaviors that made everyone question whether he was in love with my boyfriend, but sort of jokingly...

...until the friend insisted on giving my boyfriend oral sex and begged him to have a threesome with another girl so the friend could watch my boyfriend having sex. This was a week or so ago.

Of course, my boyfriend said HELL NO. It made him extremely uncomfortable that his friend would even ask.

But ever since that happened, I have felt angry at the friend. The friend will not stop trying every trick in the book to get as much attention from my boyfriend at ANY cost. Negative attention is still attention.

NOW, the friend lives 2,000 miles away for college. I have to deal with him for a week or two over Christmas. A week or two over summer. That's pretty much it. That's the ONLY reason I let a lot of really strange things the friend did slide (up until the sex proposition).

Most recent case in point: the friend was jealous boyfriend spent a night at my house this week, instead of with him, before friend went three hours away to the beach. Friend purposely hid his laptop in my boyfriend's bag, and then called my boyfriend once he arrived at the beach, demanding that my boyfriend drive three hours to bring him his laptop because he needs it to type papers or he will fail his externship.

So, my boyfriend drove three hours to deliver the friend his laptop...

The friend is constantly doing things like this. If he were permanently long-distance, I wouldn't care so much. BUT. The friend is moving back home in about seven months.

If the friend were a woman, this behavior would be right out. It's awkward because my boyfriend has the childhood friendship bond with him, and his friend is in total denial about his sexuality. My boyfriend can't discuss it with him. It's like the elephant in the room.

The friend blows up his phone every day, sending pages and pages of messages. "Bro, I love you. Bro, I miss you. Bro, I miss the times when you and me used to hang out and do nothing or everything. I can't wait to be with you. I love you, bro."

Every. Single. Freaking. Day. My boyfriend *doesn't reply,* and the friend will routinely go on for pages.

My boyfriend is an extremely patient person. He's young and still feeling out his boundaries. There's something with his upbringing with his mom where he HATES to disappoint and can be manipulated with guilt (which his friend LOVES to cash in on... like a psycho girlfriend). My boyfriend always wants to do the best for everyone and provide; he takes a failure to do so VERY personally and is hard on himself. He sometimes overextends himself this way, and I do question his capacity to say no. In the past year, my boyfriend has really firmed up his boundaries, but it's like it kills him to be firm with the friend.

The friend WILL cry. The friend has cried many times in the past. Sometimes the friend cries when the boyfriend leaves to get the boyfriend to stay (especially if the friend knows the boyfriend is coming to my house).

My boyfriend is slowly getting fed up with the friend. He never shows me his texts (nor would I expect him to), but he started showing me all these f'cked up texts the friend sends him because it makes the boyfriend uncomfortable.

I told my boyfriend how I felt horribly disrespected when his friend propositioned him for sex. He used to change the subject when the friend would tell him he wanted to watch my boyfriend have sex with a random person; now my boyfriend tells the friend flat out that's disrespectful. In this capacity, he heard my feelings loud and clear and has since enforced boundaries appropriately.

I think the whole thing is bothering me because my boyfriend is hesitant to generally put up a strong boundary because he doesn't want to hurt the friend. One night, the friend complained about my boyfriend not coming to see him because he was with me. My boyfriend said "he was too tired to drive," rather than saying he was with me... because the friend would get upset if the friend knew boyfriend was with me instead of him. Upset = 30-45 phone calls and a nonstop stream of whining, complaining texts all night long.

If the friend moves home and my boyfriend allows him to pull this crap all the time...

The friend has a huge problem with my boyfriend being in a primary relationship that does not include the friend, because the friend was basically the primary relationship through childhood. Since the friend moved away, it's like his yearning for my boyfriend has intensified in an unhealthy way.

The friend calls him crying drunk almost every weekend, "Bro, I love you, I miss you!" When we went camping, we told the friend to bring his own tent; we had to kick him out of our tent for bedtime, and then the friend slept on the ground beside the door of our tent.

Every two or three days the friend does something new and ridiculous that wears on my nerves and really sparks my concern for my boyfriend's well being... like the laptop incident, or eating a bunch of drugs and getting my boyfriend into a car accident. *!*

I don't know what I can say, or what I should say to my boyfriend. I'd feel better if he told his friend to stop taking advantage of him, and put a stop to the weird manipulations to get my boyfriend to spend more time around him because the underlying motive is he has a giant crush on him, coupled with an unhealthy emotional attachment.

I don't know if I should fight that battle... or only express my distaste when the friend does something to violate my relationship with my boyfriend, like make weird sexual propositions.

The whole situation has this obsessive undertone on the friend's part and it's rubbing me the wrong way. I think about the laptop and it gives me a rotten feeling in my stomach.

------

****My boyfriend said he was pissed at the friend when he got there to deliver the laptop today, but then they hung out all night and they're hanging out all weekend.****

------

It gives me bad vibes... Not sure what to say and not sure what to let go...

I'm hoping the friend will push my boyfriend away with his stupid behavior, which appears is finally starting to happen... but it also appears a few more gigantic catalysts will have to fall into place, which could include another car wreck, a bad incident with drugs, or god knows what else.

The friend goes away again for seven months on Monday. Thank god.

None of my boyfriend's other friends behave remotely like this one.

Read what I quoted above in asterisk.

Does this seem like a man who is fed up with his obsessive *friend's* behavior?

I agree with Gaeta....100%.

Wake up.

September 13, 2015

Actually, the friend came home for another visit the other weekend and started up with his usual shenanigans... and my boyfriend reamed him out until he cried and set him straight.

Of course, I'll still be watching how it unfolds. But my boyfriend finally put his foot down. It was amazing.

The friend is also moving away again, 2,000 miles from home, permanently, so he won't be within driving distance after the next couple of months.

My boyfriend's roommates were also concerned by some of the friend's disturbing behavior. We all had a long talk together after my boyfriend laid down the law. There was unanimous agreement that the friend's behavior is toxic and only bringing my boyfriend down.

There haven't been any problems since.

The friend is also younger than my boyfriend and immature as hell.

Blackcat: Listen carefully. Your boyfriend is having sex with his friend. This is a sexual behavior extremely at risk for aids. I hope you use protection with your boyfriend.

September 13, 2015

blackcat .....I know this is the last thing you want to believe .....but if my very straight boyfriend had a friend (from childhood or wherever) who was romantically interested in him (nevermind being completely obsessed, just romantically interested and making sexual overtures) ...the LAST thing he would do is drive back three hours to deliver a laptop and spend all night and the entire weekend with him!

Ask any straight guy, and he will say the same.

What do you think they were doing anyway.....baking cookies?

I know it's difficult to accept, but the writing is on the wall here.

Have you ever watched the movie Brokeback Mountain? If not, please do.

Extremely enlightening...

Edited September 13, 2015 by katiegrl

September 13, 2015

I agree that there IS or WAS some sort of intimate relationship between the two. Your boyfriend doesn't want to shut down his friend because the friend just might out him everyone.

September 13, 2015

Having re-read the OP, I have to agree - this is not normal behaviour and indicates some kind of past or ongoing intimacy.

September 14, 2015

I appreciate everyone's concern.

The reality of the situation is a little more complex than just one post I wrote while I was pissed off. The friend is absolutely 100% in denial of the fact he is gay and madly in love with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is the kind of guy that likes to help people... even screwed up people (some issues there with his mom, guilt, etc.).

His friend KNOWS that my boyfriend is extremely giving and manipulates him.

My boyfriend was furious about the laptop incident. He did stay for the day because he wanted to drive home. He had no other plans and he didn't keep me in the dark about anything. Staying at the beach without telling me would have been a red flag, but that wasn't the case. Boyfriend also reamed out friend, made him pay for gas and some other things. There were consequences.

The friend has always been kind of odd, but only became aggressive with his weird behavior toward my boyfriend this past year. My boyfriend was in denial about it and tried to brush it off. I guess he didn't want to think his friend was taking a turn for the worse and acting incredibly bizarre around him.

Evan Marc Katz wrote an awesome article about why men turn a blind eye to the faults of their childhood friends:

What Should I Do About My Boyfriend?s Awful Taste in Friends?

My boyfriend also has some issues with asserting his boundaries, especially with people who have a certain personality type (his friend and his mom are very similar). My boyfriend has a come a long way since I've known him. He's 20. The multiple screwed up experiences with his friend this summer held some lessons for him...

I also should have spoken up much earlier and much louder while this was going on, but I didn't want to alienate him. Finally I flipped out and said everything I needed to say (and his roommates flipped out, too... out of concern). It's way too long of a story to post, but we worked. it. all. out.

Boyfriend dealt with friend and laid down some strong boundaries.

Boyfriend also understands that if the friend continues his crap that either insults our relationship or endangers my boyfriends health or careers, and if boyfriend does not shut him down, I'm out. It's a dealbreaker.

I really appreciate everyone's concern. After everything was said and done, it was a boundary issue. Not a mutual gay sex issue.

But my boyfriend does understand my concerns about him being alone with the friend, if the friend is becoming more unpredictable, aggressive, and insistent with his attempts to isolate my boyfriend.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scratching off the days on the calendar until the friend moves away for good.

Unfortunately, he'll be home for the holidays. I'll see how my boyfriend deals with it. This isn't the kind of problem I want to deal with in a relationship, so it will be on my boyfriend to take it or leave it.

Edited September 14, 2015 by blackcat777

September 14, 2015

You haven't convinced me, and no one said your boyfriend was gay.

He could be bi, sexually ambivalent or just experimenting with his sexuality.

But there is no way on God's green earth his friend would be "this" obsessed with him ...if something had not happened.

Nor would your boyfriend had tolerated his over the top obsessive behavior for as long as he did.

I mean crying, I love you, I miss you, etc. etc. 50 times a day? This type of behavior would utterly repulse a totally straight man...

But hey, what does it matter what I think or what any of us think? He is your boyfriend, not ours.

I just hope for your sake you are using protection...

Edited September 14, 2015 by katiegrl

September 14, 2015

Don't know why everyone is insinuating the bf is gay, or has sexual relations with his friend.

The guy sounds sensitive. I know because I am. I've had friends screw me over multiple times. Usually takes 3 times before I write them off. That in itself I hate doing.

You can know someone is doing you wrong, but you hang on by hope, I've done that.

OP, I don't have much advice, but I can see his friendship is not only toxic to you but your relationship. What would have drawn the line in the sans for me, was him suggesting a threesome. Wtf? He knows you two are together, yet he suggests your bf sleep with some random chick. My problem is he obviously doesn't respect your relationship.

Your an awesome girlfriend not even wanting to break the friendship, so many would say "him or me".

Draw some boundaries Lady, that you are entitled to. Wish you the best, you got this.

September 14, 2015

I stick to my opinion that the boyfriend is having it both ways.

Like Katie said there is no way in hell a straight man would hear 'ILY' from another man, or 'suggesting sex with him' without him breaking his front teeth. BUT your boyfriend spends the weekend over with him!

We need some LS male opinion on here.

September 14, 2015

I stick to my opinion that the boyfriend is having it both ways.

Like Katie said there is no way in hell a straight man would hear 'ILY' from another man, or 'suggesting sex with him' without him breaking his front teeth. BUT your boyfriend spends the weekend over with him!

We need some LS male opinion on here.

Agree. And I am not surprised more men haven't responded. Just reading about this probably repulses them!

I think at the very least, something sexual happened once, twice, maybe still, but to think that NOTHING sexual *ever** happened between them is beyond naive.

Come on now blackcat, you can't be this naive.

Edited September 14, 2015 by katiegrl

September 14, 2015

I stick to my opinion that the boyfriend is having it both ways.

Like Katie said there is no way in hell a straight man would hear 'ILY' from another man, or 'suggesting sex with him' without him breaking his front teeth. BUT your boyfriend spends the weekend over with him!

We need some LS male opinion on here.

Ok, I'll chime in.

I've had this EXACT situation happen with me and a co-worker I used to work with years ago.

He developed this MASSIVE crush on me. To the point of obsession. The problem at the time was, I really didn't take it all that seriously.

He would behave in very much the same way as the OP was describing at times, but I just kind of learnt to ignore it? We got on pretty well as friends and I didn't really take the crush seriously.

When he came out and openly TOLD me his feelings, I politely explained I was straight and that I could never have those kinds of feelings for him. He said he understood, problem solved. Except it wasn't. Remotely solved.

You've got to understand, I had zero experience with same sex attraction. So in many ways, my handling of the whole ordeal was poorly done. I simply didn't understand that his feelings for me *could* be that obsessive or strong. When I thought he might be crushing, I didn't want to appear homophobic about it all. I just thought if I continued to display "non-interest", eventually he'd get the picture and we could continue as friends.

In the end I had to completely cut him out of my life, like some kind of obsessive ex girlfriend. He became increasingly clingy and continued to push the boundaries until I cut him loose. I felt bad about it, because I appreciated him as a friend. I just wasn't interested in sex with him.

So yeah, I can understand the boyfriend being a bit clueless about it all and just trying to be "the good guy".

He's re-established boundaries and set the record straight. Realistically, the only thing you CAN do when someone developers obsessive thoughts about you is go NO CONTACT.

Edited September 14, 2015 by neowulf

September 14, 2015

Ok, I'll chime in.

I've had this EXACT situation happen with me and a co-worker I used to work with years ago.

He developed this MASSIVE crush on me. To the point of obsession. The problem at the time was, I really didn't take it all that seriously.

He would behave in very much the same way as the OP was describing at times, but I just kind of learnt to ignore it? We got on pretty well as friends and I didn't really take the crush seriously.

When he came out and openly TOLD me his feelings, I politely explained I was straight and that I could never have those kinds of feelings for him. He said he understood, problem solved. No, not really.

In the end I had to completely cut him out of my life, like some kind of obsessive ex girlfriend.

So yeah, I can understand the boyfriend being a bit clueless about it all and just trying to be "the good guy".

He's re-established boundaries and set the record straight. Realistically, the only thing you CAN do when someone developers obsessive thoughts about you is go NO CONTACT.

Would you have driven three hours to deliver something he had hid in your suitcase (so he could see you,)...and then spend the entire night and all weekend with him...knowing he is obsessively in love with you?

Really???????

September 14, 2015

Ok, I'll chime in.

I've had this EXACT situation happen with me and a co-worker I used to work with years ago.

He developed this MASSIVE crush on me. To the point of obsession. The problem at the time was, I really didn't take it all that seriously.

He would behave in very much the same way as the OP was describing at times, but I just kind of learnt to ignore it? We got on pretty well as friends and I didn't really take the crush seriously.

When he came out and openly TOLD me his feelings, I politely explained I was straight and that I could never have those kinds of feelings for him. He said he understood, problem solved. No, not really.

You've got to understand, I had zero experience with same sex attraction. So in many ways, my handling of the whole ordeal was poorly done. I simply didn't understand that his feelings for me *could* be that obsessive or strong. When I thought he might be crushing, I didn't want to appear homophobic about it all. I just thought if I continued to display "non-interest", eventually he'd get the picture and we could continue as friends.

In the end I had to completely cut him out of my life, like some kind of obsessive ex girlfriend. He became increasingly clingy and continued to push the boundaries until I cut him loose. I felt bad about it, because I appreciated him as a friend. I just wasn't interested in sex with him.

So yeah, I can understand the boyfriend being a bit clueless about it all and just trying to be "the good guy".

He's re-established boundaries and set the record straight. Realistically, the only thing you CAN do when someone developers obsessive thoughts about you is go NO CONTACT.

And after he told you his feelings and attraction for you , you went out of your way to spend a weekend alone with him right? overnight and all.

September 14, 2015

I think it's a mistake to draw conclusions about people you've never met.

They're childhood friends.

I'll put it another way. If they were brothers, would that behaviour seem strange? Because having childhood friends can often feel like having family, with all the obligations that go with it.

I've helped out life long friends and been seriously put out for my trouble. Sometimes that's what you do for friends/family.

September 14, 2015

And after he told you his feelings and attraction for you , you went out of your way to spend a weekend alone with him right? overnight and all.

About 6 months after he'd admitted to having a crush on me, I let him move in with me when he needed a place to stay.

Yes, stupid. But again, I assumed he was *over* it. He was my friend and I was trying to help.

Like I said, I was naive. Some men really can be clueless about this kind of thing. I know I was.

September 14, 2015

I think it's a mistake to draw conclusions about people you've never met.

They're childhood friends.

I'll put it another way. If they were brothers, would that behaviour seem strange? Because having childhood friends can often feel like having family, with all the obligations that go with it.

No...this is the type of situation that ENDS close friendships, even childhoods friendships.

Brothers don't fall obsessively in love with each other ..nor do they cry obsessively, bombard their brother with I love you, I miss you 50 times a day.... cause problems for brother's current relationship ...sleep in front of brother's tent he shares with his girlfriend ...come on!

September 14, 2015

About 6 months after he'd admitted to having a crush on me, I let him move in with me when he needed a place to stay.

Yes, stupid. But again, I assumed he was *over* it. He was my friend and I was trying to help.

Like I said, I was naive. Some men really can be clueless about this kind of thing. I know I was.

It's one thing having an innocent crush.

But have you read the thread and how unbelievably out of control obsessive this guy is?

That type of obsession occurs after something went down, and obsessed person was rejected. It's the rejection that triggers the obsession. I mean crying "I love you" and "I miss you?" over and over?

This is no simple "crush" you can't even compare it to your situation.

Edited September 14, 2015 by katiegrl

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