Break-Up: Beyond Crushed.

[Liono84]

Hello,

 

 

I recently went through a break-up with my ex 2 weeks ago. She was the one who broke up with me. I live in San Diego and she was currently living in Philadelphia for graduate school. I wanted to know what the odds are of her contacting me back in order to reconcile.

 

Let me start off my saying that she, too, is also from San Diego and has lived in San Diego her entire life. She only recently moved to Phili for the past 2 years for graduate school. I'm 31 and she's 28.

 

We had been dating for 9 months. Oddly enough, I met her in Philadelphia visiting a mutual friends party.. She would visit every 2 months for a week and I would fly out to visit her every 3-3.5 months for about a week as well. We talked on the phone every few days for long lengths and would text regularly every day. We have many mutual friends. I also met her family and they all seemed to like me.

 

 

She broke up with me face to face 2 weeks ago when she came to visit. I knew the past 3 weeks things we're sort of cooling off, since I noticed I was doing most of the texting and our calls were shorter, but overall, I was completely blind-sided.

 

She basically told me that she couldn't handle to the long distance aspect of it any longer and because she was embarking on the most difficult part of her studies for the next year to year and a half, she wouldn't be able to commit like she had before and couldn't put me as a priority. I asked her repeatedly, in a very non-confrontational way if there was another guy or if her feelings had changed and she repeatedly said that was not the case and that she still has feelings for me and that we're very compatible. But she said with the passing of time, the distance aspect became too much of a factor for her and she wanted someone to be there physically and emotionally. I don't even know if I truly believe that, but for now let's assume that is.

 

We we're very close to each other both intimately and chemistry-wise too. There weren't any signs of us not working out for it not for the distance aspect. I tried everything I could to salvage the breakup by letting her know I would fly to visit her more often and that this was only temporary since she would come back once she finished school after a year or year and a half, but as hard as I tried, she had made up her mind.

 

Overall, I'm beyond crushed. I've had break-ups before but this is on a different pain level because we both were on the same playing field with thinking long-term. This was "THE GIRL" for me. She too, was at a age where she wanted to settle down. She said she still wants me to be in her life and used the dreaded 'FRIEND' word. I told her that wouldn't be the case. I had no choice but to delete her number, facebook and instagram because the pain was too much for me and I didn't want to be tempted making contact with her since I was the one getting dumped.

 

My question is realistically, what are the odds she changes her mind and contacts me back in hope to get back? And IF that does happen, how long does is usually take for that to occur. Part of me feels like she will contact me back because she is going to realize what she lost only when it's gone and part of me thinks because of the distance factor even if she wants to get back with me, that in it of itself, makes it highly unlikely

[theredpill]

LDR's are exponentially harder to keep going and if you move cities for her - it's for the wrong reason. It could be a number of things realistically, studying stress and the travel or maybe she's connected with someone local which for all intents and purposes is a much easier thing for her, for you cruel I know and we feel your pain.

 

She's tried to end things in a mature and friendly way knowing you'll be hurt. There are no real words to make you feel better I'm afraid, ya gotta feel that pain, grieve and accept the situation for what it is rather than what you want it to be.

 

This is the problem with LDR's you think you've found the one, because you're not with them 24/7 and the truth of the matter is there is no such things as "the one" in fact there's probably 5000 "ones" just like her in your city right now, single and waiting for a man like you to take them out and show them a good time.

 

Hard reading dude, I'm sorry, been there... sucks and then it's gets better, much better trust me, ya just gotta go with it, few months from now you'll be laughing at all this shenanigans.

 

Play this right and you'll have fun in Philly going forward, but try find someone local, stay strong, wish her the best and leave her alone.

Edited August 14, 2015 by theredpill

[Liono84]

Thank you for the words, theredpill.. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

 

I'm a pretty strong-minded individual, and don't let feeling sorry/sad for myself affect me from going out on the weekends or going to the gym to help alleviate the hurt. However, I still constantly think about her non-stop, every single day. I've been dumped once before but the pain was not like this. I even cried for the first week, and that's very unlike me. We talked about everything, had great chemistry and we were very intimate physically with each other. I've stayed at her place and she's stayed at mine.

 

 

 

 

I understand that LDR are unrealistic, but the reason this is a bit different is because she was also from San Diego and she planned on returning back after she finished her studies in a yr.-yr. and a half. So, unlike most LDR, we both had an end game in play, being in the same city. (At least that's what I assumed).

 

One of the most difficult things that I need help on is the No Contact Rule. Like I said, I deleted her number, all our pictures together, Facebook and Instagram because I knew that it would kill me inside and it's the ONLY way to move forward. I won't initiate any contact with her. But, the thing is, deep down inside my heart, I still cling on to a slight hope that she will eventually contact me down the line. And that thought still exists in the back of my head somewhere. So, if that's the case, do you think I can truly move on??

[theredpill]

Yeah, you can dude I know it's not your typical LDR but it is right now. Even when out of sight it still hurts, it's akin to drug addiction and the same chemicals are created within the brain that lead to the craving for her right now, this is a scientific fact so you're not alone feeling that way.

 

I'm 6 weeks out, we've not spoke although still friends on FB. My brother is passing round the last of her bits here, guitar etc and picking up mine, over the next few days. Still care, this one was my fault she tried to help keep me in her life so for now, distance is good for both of us even though I had the valid excuse to meet up and it was more a situational split ya gotta stay strong and meeting her now would be tricky should we say.

 

See if you can play this off and be the cool guy who doesn't chase her or make her feel awkward, it's just the current situation - if you go to philly and she's single, you can have a great time and perhaps one day she'll be back. To get this bit right, you have to find someone else and I promise you there are women that tick all the boxes she ticks in your city.

 

Sign up on a few dating sites, get a good profile up and the world is your oyster, paid sites are definitely better people more interested in finding someone. While you're doing your stuff just keep talking to women, you'll be surprised one day when you meet your next GF ns completely unexpected circumstances.

[Diezel]

Just because she planned to come back after finishing... doesn't necessarily mean she will. She could end up anywhere else, and I think that thought has crossed her mind as well.

 

I didn't end up in the city where I originally am from, nor where I did my Master's. My girlfriend, same scenario. You always have a plan but that can all change in a second.

 

The distance IS too much, specially if you guys are constantly traveling. That takes time and effort, specially if she is trying to make it over there. It doesn't even really matter whether there is another guy or not, she simply doesn't want to keep trying.

 

Might be time to move on for you and find someone closer who you KNOW will be closer.

[Satu]

You might get back together, but I think that the odds are against it.

 

Proceed on the basis of your current situation:

 

You are a single man.

 

Organise your life around that reality.

 

Build a satisfying life around that reality.

 

Adapt.

 

 

Take care.

[mavendark]

As a girl who went through 2 long distance relationships (one was across state, and the other was across country), I would safely say that your odds are very much against getting back together again.

 

Personally, when I'm in a LDR, I'm good for the first 3 months, but then slowly, the fact that he is not there (all the time) for me makes it extremely hard to get the kind of emotional closeness that is necessary for keeping a good relationship in tact. So naturally I drift away, until I feel like my relationship is almost imaginary. (I used to visit my bf once a month at least). She may be different but I'm willing to bet she's feeling some of this as well.

 

Plus, she's at school, she's meeting tons of new people, and plus busy studying. It takes a lot of emotional effort to keep up a LDR, at least for me. And when I broke up with my 2 LDR bfs, they were also blindsided. The two guys I dated were perfectly happy in the LDRs even though at the end we would barely talk once or twice a week.

 

Also, saying that she will return is also kind of a long ways off to think about (I mean, a lot can change in a year or two). There is a chance that she might actually not want to come back to SD (maybe she found a better opportunity over there). I think that for you, if you really love her, you should just let her go because if you "force" her to move back to SD with you (she may feel obligated to move back because of you), that might not be what she really wants deep inside, and that might be a decision she may regret later. If you love her, let her go.

[Liono84]

As a girl who went through 2 long distance relationships (one was across state, and the other was across country), I would safely say that your odds are very much against getting back together again.

 

Personally, when I'm in a LDR, I'm good for the first 3 months, but then slowly, the fact that he is not there (all the time) for me makes it extremely hard to get the kind of emotional closeness that is necessary for keeping a good relationship in tact. So naturally I drift away, until I feel like my relationship is almost imaginary. (I used to visit my bf once a month at least). She may be different but I'm willing to bet she's feeling some of this as well.

 

Plus, she's at school, she's meeting tons of new people, and plus busy studying. It takes a lot of emotional effort to keep up a LDR, at least for me. And when I broke up with my 2 LDR bfs, they were also blindsided. The two guys I dated were perfectly happy in the LDRs even though at the end we would barely talk once or twice a week.

 

Also, saying that she will return is also kind of a long ways off to think about (I mean, a lot can change in a year or two). There is a chance that she might actually not want to come back to SD (maybe she found a better opportunity over there). I think that for you, if you really love her, you should just let her go because if you "force" her to move back to SD with you (she may feel obligated to move back because of you), that might not be what she really wants deep inside, and that might be a decision she may regret later. If you love her, let her go.

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for your input and replies. It means so much and it really helps me look at it from a different set of eyes. I've only talked about this to one of my close friends, so this forum has been great to me.

 

I truly do love her, and I will be doing just that. - Letting her go. I know if I make any sort of contact in trying to persuade her again or being friends with her as she wished, it would only make things worse for my chances. My only hope is that with time, there may be a possibility she re-evaluates things and comes back, as bleak as that may be. I'm going to go out there and stop feeling sorry for myself, and hopefully, I'll meet the right girl, but at the same time, I'd be lying if I said she'll be completely off my mind. I'm aware of the risk of a rebound, so I'll be careful but unless I find someone else that's special to me local, I don't think I can truly forget.

[whateven]

Liono84 - Have recently gone through a very similar thing after two years together, didn't see it coming at all.

 

I am doing the same as you and letting them carry on and dealing with the decision on my own, whether I like it or not.

 

It is a shame that our partners did not want to try, and did not let on that they were struggling with the distance, however if you really want to be with someone I think you can make it work no matter what. If they didn't want to try that with us, perhaps they didn't deserve us, as we were willing to do that for them!

 

Keep strong x