torn between parents and my bf

[kira1990]

I am 25 year old Turkish girl living in UK and I have been in a serious relationship with an Afghan guy (25 years old) for over 7 months and we are so in love that we want to get married. He is kind, funny, loyal, honest, respectful, intelligent and above all sincere and he treats me very well and makes me very happy.

3 months ago my bf came to my house to ask my parents for my hand in marriage as we do in Turkey. However my parents rejected him because he was "Afghan". They told me that he will never make me happy, he is lower than us, he is a gypsy , he will drag me down to his Afghan culture in their eyes meaning, I will become uncivilized just like him, even though he is not uncivilized. They also told me I will never get their blessing and that he doesn't love me because apparently by talking to him for about 4 hours they know him better than I do.

 

In addition my dad also threatened to disown me and said I would no longer be their child and even if I was dying they wouldn't care because I would no longer be part of the family, thus no longer their responsibility. He said that if I left home to marry my bf I would disgrace my whole family and he would be so ashamed that he will never be able to go back to Turkey.

He also told me that they are just trying to look out for me and want my happiness but he sees that I am making a big mistake by choosing to marry an Afghan and he will not allow me to ruin my life and he will do ANYTHING to stop me from destroying my life. My parents also said that they would rather have me single for the rest of my life than me actually marrying my bf.

 

Even though they told me all these horrible things I did not stop talking to my bf, and a week later after my parents meeting with my bf , my dad found out that me and my bf were still in contact. As a result he sat me down and spoke to me again. He said exactly same things that he said the first time, but this time he said it in much more aggressive manner, and frankly I was a little bit frightened to even defend my love and tell him this is what I want!

 

I know my bf loves me and everything they say about him is not true, because they never gave him a proper chance to get to know him as a person!

 

To make things even worse relatives from back home were also against my bf's culture and my grandparents also would disown me.

 

My bf is aware of the things my parents said about him and he told me that he has never felt so humiliated in his life, but regardless of my parent’s harsh judgement he still wants to marry me.

I know you are probably thinking bad about my parents, but I would also like you to know that my parents love me and they have sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings, however my heart cannot agree with their harsh judgement. I cannot willingly just let the love of my life go because my parents don’t like his culture. That reason is not justifying enough for me.

 

Additionally recently I found out that my mum has breast cancer so I cannot do anything that will upset her so I told her that I will stop talking to my bf because I didn’t want to cause any further distress to her.

However few days ago my parents caught me talking on the fone to my bf and said to me that I better stop talking to him or the end won’t be good. He also said that in the future I will realise what a mistake I been making and how I wasted my time on him ( my bf)

 

I was considering leaving home after my mum recovers but I will feel very guilty because my parents will be heartbroken and miserable. Im also scared that it might affect my mums health and I would never forgive myself for that. I would cause so much distress and unhappiness in their life, and knowing this hurts me because I love my parents and I don’t want to hurt them. But at the same time I don’t know how much more of this torture and pain my heart can take, I am barely holding myself together and the only reason for that is because I am still talking to my bf, if I stopped contact with him I would be completely destroyed, but he gives me strength.

 

I know that if I leave my bf, to please my parents I will never be able to love another because my bf always treated me well he never gave me a reason to doubt him and I will always know that the only reason I had to let him go was not because he did something wrong, but because my parents did not like his culture.

 

Please give me some advice, what should I do? I am so unhappy and depressed and have been like this for over 3 months now and i can no longer cope!

[mrldii]

Sorry, you're looking for Western solutions to a cultural problem that does not recognize Western ways.

 

Have women been in your situation before and gone off with their unapproved-of 'lover'? Yup. But they did so at the expense OF losing their family.

 

It does not read as though you are interested in/capable of cutting off all ties to your family.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

[deadelvis]

I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation. It's hard to give advice in a predicament such as this. You haven't been with your boyfriend for very long, so throwing away your entire family would be a huge commitment, bigger than marriage really.

Try to be strong. Don't let this ruin your life. I know what I would do, but it's not my choice.

Read Romeo and Juliet again. That pretty much sums up my thoughts on the matter.

Nobody can tell you what to do. In the end it's a huge decision and one you will have to make on your own.

Regardless of what you choose to do, I would suggest getting away from your family.With those types of judgements they are only going to bring you unhappiness, now and forever.

Good luck. Keep your chin up. Everything will end up as it should.

[Satu]

You are 'star-crossed lovers.'

 

There's no solution to this.

 

Sorry.

[CarrieT]

I

I know that if I leave my bf, to please my parents I will never be able to love another because my bf always treated me well he never gave me a reason to doubt him and I will always know that the only reason I had to let him go was not because he did something wrong, but because my parents did not like his culture.

I know you don't believe me, but you will love another...

 

I don't believe you have known your BF long enough to make this sort of decision. You are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship and it is best to know someone at least a year - through all four seasons - until the ardor has passed to be able to see more clearly about one's future.

 

I can't imagine you would ultimately be happy if you abandoned your family for a guy you truly don't know very well.

[kira1990]

Thank you all for your responses. Some of you mentioned that i havent known him long enough but I already been with him for over 7 months and i told my bf to give me 6 months to see if my parents will change their mind, hopefully my mum would recover by then and also these 6 months being apart from each other will test our relationship and how strong we are as a couple ( he lives in Cardiff and I studied in cardiff but 3 months ago i was forced by my dad to move back home London after finishing uni ) also someone suggested me to move out however my dad is so strict that he wudnt allow that he keeps saying I can only leave the house when im married and im 25 years old btw. I have been single for 5 years and never got seriously involved with any guys because i am too fussy and the guys i met before just didn't feel right. But with my bf we connected straight away we both have same morals and values and both want the same thing. My heart tells me that he is my soulmate and i never been in love before him. What im reallly trying to say is that i know he will make me happy and be a good husband so what should i do after 6 months and we both would still feel the same way about each other?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I didn't know they have Roma in Afghanistan. Do they mean Pashtun?

 

 

Will your dad or a male relative do anything drastic like stone you to death or cut off your head if you marry your boyfriend? If not, follow your heart.

[Tayla]

OP Wrote: "What im reallly trying to say is that i know he will make me happy and be a good husband"

 

Dear one, I sincerely mean this in the best of lite, No one can make you happy or sad without your consent. Marriage is NOT about having someone else being solely responsible for your well being, as an adult that is your task.

 

I actually "listened" to how your parents conveyed their passion for your well being. Yup, underneath the unkind spiteful words is parents who are terrified of their daughter making a mistake that cannot be undone....Call it fear....

 

Learn to be independent , learn to be on your own entirely, before finding another person to provide for you or make vows that are probably not life long.

 

What is the rush? Getting out of the fire and into the pan simply means a change in temperature....think about it...And be there for your Mom, she deserves to have support at a time such as this. Be well, Be kind.

[craw]

Tell me something is your bf professionally qualified?

[Qboro90]

The decision you have to make is incredibly difficult and I feel awful that your forced to go through it. The culture that you're from is something deeply engrained in your parents so while ideally it would be best if you could talk to them as an adult and let them know that you have goals and aspirations of your own and that you love them but if they really love you they will let you carve your own path in life. Unfortunately I do not think that your parents will ever be ok with that. While you've experienced westernized culture and don't harbor the old style mindset, your parents do and it will never change.

 

So you can either submit to your father and parents rules and their outline for your life and sacrifice your happiness and aspirations in order to keep them satisfied and in your life... OR you can make the incredibly difficult yet self serving choice to save up your money and move out on your own so that you can live your own life. Just because you want do date a certain guy or because you want to have a certain job or dont see yourself just marrying some guy because he's the same religion as you without loving him doesn't mean that you are turning your back on your family and how they raised you. It's really unfortunate that they aren't openminded enough to see that but you're basically living in a prism with them forced to abide by their life plan for you. That sucks.

 

Is this guy all you need in your life? Is he worth it to lose your family over? Remember that they are the ones forcing you to choose. You would love to be with the man you love and have your family in your life but they forbid that. Your father forced you to move home so that the relationship you have will fade away and die. That was the whole point.

[kira1990]

Dear All many thanks for your advices. I would like to respond to the following comments. My family would Not stone me, we are not that kind of family. I only have my parents and siblings in UK the rest of the relatives are in Turkey.

When I said that my bf would make me happy i didnt mean my happiness depends on him. I meant that my bf is not bad as my parents have described him and i will not be unhappy with him just because he is an Afghan because there is so much more to him.

 

Also he has a uni degree, a decent full time job with chances of being promoted soon, a car and rents a two bedroom flat in central.

 

You know if my parents told me i need to leave my bf because he is a criminal or drug addict etc then my heart and mind would be able to accept that yes they are right i wont be happy with my bf. But my bf is the complete opposite he has a very good heart he is very caring honest gentle romantic thoughtful and brave

 

Before he came to my house to meet my parents he was well aware of how strict my dad was and that my dads wish is for me to marry a Turkish guy, yet that didn't stop him. He still came to meet my parents and ask for my hand in marriage. My boyfriends only mistake was that he was completely honest about himself his past and his family. He told my parents that he was born in Dubai and he's family moved out of Afganistan long time ago and that there was times when they had no money. He also told them that his parents live in Italy and have Italian passports. However hearing all that my dad said to me that he doesn't have money he doesn't believe that his parents live in Italy and he doesn't even believe he has the job he says he has. I know that my bf wasn't lying as I have seen a foto of his parents passport and i have seen his work contract when i was cleaning his room!

 

Also my dad judged him based on his past...so what if in the past there were times when my bf had no money? my family is not rich and i am sure there are many people who experienced the same thing in the past and now are doing fine money wise.

 

They told me he is not right for me and that I'm blinded by love. Again i repeat.. The only reason they refuse to accept him is because he is originally from Afghanistan. My dad said even if ge was the president of Afganistan he would still not accept him purely because of his culture.

 

I choose to be with my bf because of the type of person he is and how he treats me and of course because I love him. He has everything i always wanted in a man and i never met such a wonderful guy before.

 

Also i want to marry him not because I am rushing but i feel ready for it and want to build my life with gim and have kids in 1-2 years time when we are both more financially stable. That is my dream.

 

All I wish is that my parents judged him as a person and understood that this is not some puppy love and we make each other really happy, otherwise i would have never introduced him to my family if i felt he is wrong for me.

 

With regards to my mum I'm doing my best to look after her but what shall i do when she recovers? i cannot explain how miserable anxious and depressed i feel. I just want to be happy and build life with the person i love and who makes me feel happiness when I look at him.

[Arieswoman]

kira1990,

Does your bf have a UK passport? Do you?

Your parents' reaction is so intense I wonder if there is an immigration issue here?

Or is he a different sect of Islam?

 

Just trying to understand what their objection is ...

[kira1990]

Yes we both have passports, the only reason my parents react the way i described above is because they dont like the Afghan nation and think very low of that nation.

[deadelvis]

That's called racism.

[TaraMaiden2]

Marry him.

Give them a grandchild. They'll soon soften.

 

But don't marry him TO give them a grandchild.

Marry him because you believe you really want this.

 

You both have passports, careers, and you're both adults.

If your parents are so hung up on their culture, please explain to me why are they in the UK, exactly?

What made them leave Turkey, and travel to this cold, damp, and frankly (this summer has been a disaster, hasn't it?) dreadful climate?

 

If they wanted to come here for 'a better life' then they have to take everything that better life means - and that means a good education for their daughter, a comfortable home, and all the benefits of living within a society that although foreign to them, gives them pretty much all they need.

 

They perhaps would not be living quite as comfortably or freely in Turkey, and your life would definitely be more constrained and controlled.

 

They came to the UK for the liberty and social freedom, the advantages and lifestyle.

 

Then I'm sorry, but they're going to have to suck it up.

They're not in Turkey now.

And neither are you.

 

Hard as it is for you to go against what your parents have said, this IS YOUR life, and like it or lump it, it's the life THEY have given you.

They can't now expect to be able to deprive you at whim, simply because....

[deadelvis]

If my parents were racist I would have no problem walking away.

[eye of the storm]

Kira, this is a tough one. I want to give advice but the advice I would give would be from someone with a western background to someone with a similar background. I have lived overseas a lot, and am very familiar with a lot of your cultural issues and they are tough for most westerners to understand.

 

On the one hand if I tell you to stand up to your parents and live your life and they do cut you off, can you live with the loss of your family connection? Some people can, some can't. With your culture, being cut off is a real possibility.

 

If I tell you to kiss your Afghan a fond farewell suitable for star crossed lovers and submit yourself to your family's control, will you always be angry and hurt? Will you be subjecting yourself to a life time of being unhappy?

 

Only you can answer these questions. As a westerner, I would get out on my own, get to know your sweety better and see where life takes you. But only you know what you will be dealing with and what you can handle.

 

Best of luck