No_Go Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) We entered the 6th month of a little rocky relationship, the main complaint from my bf side - that I haven't introduced him to my family. I am scared to death to do that but deep inside I know it is time...I want to do it somewhere in between the 6th and 12th month, because it is going to get even more awkward afterwards. So the issues: - to start with, I never ever introduced a guy to my family (i'm afraid to say this was the main complaint of my 2 exes from me). I didn't feel the need, and avoided it respectively - my family history is not good, all sorts of abusive behaviors over the years, I don't want to go into details, but I just don't trust them much - my family leaves overseas and do NOT speak English well, so just a "natural" encounter is out of question - it requires serious planning from both sides (or at least from our side if we meet in my country) - I'm still not 100% confident in the relationship - we're working on some issues, mainly communication difficulties - as said, if I delay it further, my bf will get anxious (he barely waited so far and introduced me to his family on the second month), and for me would be very awkward since I talk to my family regularly and it will come as a secret that I casually "omitted" from them for over half an year... Any advice how to make the encounter less stressful? Any tips for the meeting itself? For the preparation process? Personal experiences will be appreciated:) P.S. Sadly, we're not young - both in our 30s. I was also the 1st gf to be presented to his family. Edited August 13, 2015 by No_Go
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Just tell him you have a sort of strained relationship with your parents, and not to expect too much. I would suggest a casual dinner out - although if this would require the two of you to travel overseas together, that may be reason enough to wait. Are you worried that your parents won't like him, or that he won't like them, or what? What is your concern with introducing them if you may break up in the future - that your parents would give you grief about it?
Author No_Go Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 - Just tell him you have a sort of strained relationship with your parents, and not to expect too much: *he knows that, haha, I overemphasized it - I would suggest a casual dinner out - although if this would require the two of you to travel overseas together, that may be reason enough to wait: *well we'll probably stay in their place since we'll be traveling from overseas and I haven't been home from two years. Casual dinner won't work becuase of these circumstances... - Are you worried that your parents won't like him, or that he won't like them, or what? *Haha, both ways. Also that they will not understand each other because of the language barrier. And first and foremost, that my parents will IMMEDIATELY consider our relationship as extremely serious, since I never ever even casually mentioned anything about my dating life so far to them. - What is your concern with introducing them if you may break up in the future - that your parents would give you grief about it? *See above, they'll be 100% convinced that we're super serious and if something happens after, it will be a big drama to them & respectively me
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 - Just tell him you have a sort of strained relationship with your parents, and not to expect too much: *he knows that, haha, I overemphasized it - I would suggest a casual dinner out - although if this would require the two of you to travel overseas together, that may be reason enough to wait: *well we'll probably stay in their place since we'll be traveling from overseas and I haven't been home from two years. Casual dinner won't work becuase of these circumstances... - Are you worried that your parents won't like him, or that he won't like them, or what? *Haha, both ways. Also that they will not understand each other because of the language barrier. And first and foremost, that my parents will IMMEDIATELY consider our relationship as extremely serious, since I never ever even casually mentioned anything about my dating life so far to them. - What is your concern with introducing them if you may break up in the future - that your parents would give you grief about it? *See above, they'll be 100% convinced that we're super serious and if something happens after, it will be a big drama to them & respectively me You're too old to care so much about what your parents think. BOUNDARIES. Explain all of this to him - and if he's still game, well, bring him along on the next trip. 1
Gaeta Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 they'll be 100% convinced that we're super serious and if something happens after, it will be a big drama to them & respectively me Meh....so? they're oversea not like you live with them and they'll nag you every day about it. Just don't participate in their drama. Also if you never introduce a man to your family of course when you finally introduce one it will be a big deal to them. If you expose them to more people you date they won't put so much hope in it. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Your BF needs to power down. Your family lives in another country, not around the corner. Agree to introduce them if they come to where you live for another reason but certainly don't start booking airfare. If you have never introduced an SO your family will conclude that a wedding in imminent. If your BF & your family don't speak the same language I don't even see how Skype or Facetime would work. The whole thing just seems more awkward then it has to be. If they can all talk, I'd "call" your family while he was there & invite him into the screen to say hi. You act casual & hopefully everybody else will follow suit. Just make sure they know you are dating before you spring him on them.
angel.eyes Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) Do they come to visit you? If and when they do, introduce him when he drops by to pick you up for a date or something. If you were planning to go home at some point, plan an add-on, one-on-one vacation with him and have him meet them while he's in your country. I think that's more organic and natural. You've only been dating six months. I think, planning a dinner feels more formal and staged. Ditto for traveling back just to introduce him. That will lead them to think an engagement is imminent, especially since he's the only guy they will have ever met. Although, honestly, at some level, who cares if they choose to leap to faulty conclusions. You're an independent adult living your life. ETA: How did he introduce you to his family? Edited August 14, 2015 by angel.eyes
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Yeah the problem is that i talk very often to them, almost daily... Actually more than in the time when I was living with them a decade ago. Indeed I'm sure it is going to be a big deal. I never dated anyone when I was living in my country, and a few years after since I was changing countries for education and jobs and didn't have time/energy for it. When I finally start having dates and relationships in my late 20s, I decided to keep it all for myself, never mentioned a word to them haha, I'm sure the still consider me being a virgin So no going there with my bf for them will equate imminent wedding in their heads, which is terrifying me.. Meh....so? they're oversea not like you live with them and they'll nag you every day about it. Just don't participate in their drama. Also if you never introduce a man to your family of course when you finally introduce one it will be a big deal to them. If you expose them to more people you date they won't put so much hope in it.
losangelena Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) Yeah, I'm surprised that it's your BF's "main complaint." Really? What does he expect, exactly? I have a very laid-back relationship with my mom, she met my BF about six months in and is happy for me but is not hanging the moon and stars on our relationship. She also lives one state away and I see her three times a year. My BF's relationship with his parents sounds more like yours. They live overseas, they don't really speak English, and there is more than one cultural barrier to jump over in regards to us all getting along. But I would never DREAM of pressuring or complaining to my BF about my not having met them. It can be a delicate issue and he needs to proceed when and how HE sees fit. If and when it happens, it will be my job to be as polite and charming and deferential as possible. As for you, I would just accept the fact that the first meeting will be awkward and that it might fundamentally change your relationship with your parents, in that they will see you differently. Let it. You're your own person, and however abusive or enmeshed they are, that will always be true. There's no casual dating in my BF's culture—you meet to marry—so his parents' heads would ex-plode. Focus on the more immediate challenges you and your BF are facing. Hey, but you could use an overseas trip as an excuse to save money—hence, taking care of two birds with one stone. Edited August 14, 2015 by losangelena
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Yeah he wants to book airfare for visiting his friends overseas but I see the strategy haha, he mentions my family in every other conversation... Exactly this "imminent wedding" expectations is what I want to avoid, and I have no idea how. In my 31 years I never even shared with them that I'm dating / considering dating - I know it is weird, but it is the fact. I like the idea for just saying hi when I call them. I just need to figure out how to mention him to them before that - it is not that we just casually dating - we have spent every weekend together in the past 5 months... Your BF needs to power down. Your family lives in another country, not around the corner. Agree to introduce them if they come to where you live for another reason but certainly don't start booking airfare. If you have never introduced an SO your family will conclude that a wedding in imminent. If your BF & your family don't speak the same language I don't even see how Skype or Facetime would work. The whole thing just seems more awkward then it has to be. If they can all talk, I'd "call" your family while he was there & invite him into the screen to say hi. You act casual & hopefully everybody else will follow suit. Just make sure they know you are dating before you spring him on them.
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 I don't think it is in the plan of them to come to visit me into a foreseeable future. The add-on vacation is what we're thinking about now. Still not natural, because we'll likely need to stay in my house (they'll consider it strange to stay in a hotel there, it is not common in our culture). Now is not even 6 months (we just started the 6th month), but we're talking for a few months ahead... which will be around our 8-9 month together. Btw I feel like he really makes the fuss to "secure" we'll be together by then haha. How did I meet his family: they had a family event, and he decided to take me with him (it was in the end of our 2nd month together), it was also 12 hours drive away, so not so casual/natural. I stayed the weekend in his parents' house. I was also the first gf to be introduced to them. Do they come to visit you? If and when they do, introduce him when he drops by to pick you up for a date or something. If you were planning to go home at some point, plan an add-on, one-on-one vacation with him and have him meet them while he's in your country. I think that's more organic and natural. You've only been dating six months. I think, planning a dinner feels more formal and staged. Ditto for traveling back just to introduce him. That will lead them to think an engagement is imminent, especially since he's the only guy they will have ever met. Although, honestly, at some level, who cares if they choose to leap to faulty conclusions. You're an independent adult living your life. ETA: How did he introduce you to his family?
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 I assume he's scared that if I'm not introducing him to them I'm not serious with him (he never said that, but I can sense it). Not the case, it is more about them, but it is hard to convey without overexposing our internal family "dramas". Was this the first guy to introduce to your mom? She seems to be a chilled person if so. As you are, your approach to the issue with your bf family is very gentle. I can imagine he's even more scared than me, haha, since the cultural differences India/US are bigger than Europe/US, and parents in his country are very influential in the life of their adult children... Although since you mentioned that his brother have already married by choice, they're probably going to be more relaxed for him and you. In your case may make more sense if you engage before telling his parents, you're doing the right thing to let him decide when is the best time. Haha, and yeah, you're right for the spending/saving conversation- the overseas trip is an awesome way to bring it naturally . I actually started speaking up on this topic and he's taking it well so far... It seems like it didn't crossed his mind that the spending may bother me: e.g he said he noticed that I look upset when we're traveling to events and he was not sure did he do something wrong, or it was something unrelated to him **The first meeting will be awkward and that it might fundamentally change your relationship with your parents, in that they will see you differently** - yeah, this part is what I am scared from, to the extent I was scaed to spell it out. How are they going to accept the new "me". In their heads I am a quirky loner with very limited social circle and too shy to date... Well I was exactly THIS, but many years ago, when I used to live with them. This is probably a subject for my therapist not the LS (haha, this relationship led me into endless number of therapy sessions), but it is funny how my image is invariant in time for my family, and when I go there for holidays occasionally, I do behave like my old self... Now with my bf introduction this will imminently change. Yeah, I'm surprised that it's your BF's "main complaint." Really? What does he expect, exactly? I have a very laid-back relationship with my mom, she met my BF about six months in and is happy for me but is not hanging the moon and stars on our relationship. She also lives one state away and I see her three times a year. My BF's relationship with his parents sounds more like yours. They live overseas, they don't really speak English, and there is more than one cultural barrier to jump over in regards to us all getting along. But I would never DREAM of pressuring or complaining to my BF about my not having met them. It can be a delicate issue and he needs to proceed when and how HE sees fit. If and when it happens, it will be my job to be as polite and charming and deferential as possible. As for you, I would just accept the fact that the first meeting will be awkward and that it might fundamentally change your relationship with your parents, in that they will see you differently. Let it. You're your own person, and however abusive or enmeshed they are, that will always be true. There's no casual dating in my BF's culture—you meet to marry—so his parents' heads would ex-plode. Focus on the more immediate challenges you and your BF are facing. Hey, but you could use an overseas trip as an excuse to save money—hence, taking care of two birds with one stone.
losangelena Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I think that change will be good, though, no? I don't remember if you've said how old you are, but at a certain point it becomes more of a stress/burden to either conform to what your family expects, or to hide the "real you" and in effect live a double life. Maybe they'll be surprised or disappointed, but I doubt they would go so far as to disown you or be upset. Parents come around. I wonder if you are making assumptions about your BF's thought process. How do you know he'd interpret him not meeting your parents as you not being serious about him? They live overseas and you have a strained relationship, and it has more to do with your relationship with them than it does with him. If he is a REASONABLE person, he will understand this and not pressure you, ESPECIALLY since y'all have not even been dating that long. Why do you not want to tell him about how awful your family is? I'm glad you are finally talking to him about money. As expected, he didn't realize, and now that he's realizing, maybe it'll change how he operates. It's been said a million times but bares repeating—a good partner will want to help make you happy. Your guy might be mortified to know that all of his plans and activities are causing you undue financial stress. But he's not going to have any idea that's happening unless you tell him.
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 It is true. I don't think they'll disown me, they just will be very surprised, but yeah, the burden of "double life" will be relieved. I'll turn 31 at the time of the expected trip (btw I left home at 22, so I have almost a decade to catch up with them). I could be making assumptions about him. He start asking me to meet them over skype around the 2nd month after I met his family... Then every once in a while HIS friends will ask us did he meet my family, it could be that he feels peer-pressured. He knows more than enough details about my problems with them, he either can't make his head around it or don't trust me, idk. Also his relationship with HIS family is strained too, he told me that surprisingly it got much better after they met me (which is true, they treated us great and he prepared me for the worse when going there ), he extrapolates that the same will happen to me, I'm not sure why, that's what he says/thinks. And yeah, it is funny how we assume our partner "knows" what bothers us. In our activity overspending issue, he was pushing for even MORE activities when he was seeing me being upset, thinking that I was not "entertained" enough. Making me even more upset because of the extra spending haha. I really hope we'll communicate better in the future (we had very difficult communication in our 3-5th month, but now is getting better; I'm happy that I resist the urge to break it). I'm glad you are finally talking to him about money. As expected, he didn't realize, and now that he's realizing, maybe it'll change how he operates. It's been said a million times but bares repeating—a good partner will want to help make you happy. Your guy might be mortified to know that all of his plans and activities are causing you undue financial stress. But he's not going to have any idea that's happening unless you tell him. I think that change will be good, though, no? I don't remember if you've said how old you are, but at a certain point it becomes more of a stress/burden to either conform to what your family expects, or to hide the "real you" and in effect live a double life. Maybe they'll be surprised or disappointed, but I doubt they would go so far as to disown you or be upset. Parents come around. I wonder if you are making assumptions about your BF's thought process. How do you know he'd interpret him not meeting your parents as you not being serious about him? They live overseas and you have a strained relationship, and it has more to do with your relationship with them than it does with him. If he is a REASONABLE person, he will understand this and not pressure you, ESPECIALLY since y'all have not even been dating that long. Why do you not want to tell him about how awful your family is? I'm glad you are finally talking to him about money. As expected, he didn't realize, and now that he's realizing, maybe it'll change how he operates. It's been said a million times but bares repeating—a good partner will want to help make you happy. Your guy might be mortified to know that all of his plans and activities are causing you undue financial stress. But he's not going to have any idea that's happening unless you tell him.
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