Am I being too demanding? Didn't feel all that special on my birthday :(

[spiderlily12]

Hi guys I really wanted an objective opinion on this since I am not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

 

So i have started seeing this guy recently however have known him for a while. When he was chasing me he often would do very romantic things that would make me feel so special like take me on walks, drive to my house out of the blue just to talk to me, beg for me to just stay with him for 10 more mins after driving me home etc etc. He would write me super romantic messages and our first date was amazing, dinner on the beach followed by sitting on the cliffs overlooking the ocean and talked all night. I should also mention he was really sick with a cold when this happened but toughed it out (although I told him to go home) and couldn't stop kissing me.

 

So he's definitely not the type of guy that doesn't know how to do romance.

 

However since we have started dating the romance has really died down. I know that that's common with guys so I tried not to think too much into it because he's still attentive (constantly messaging, see each other all the time). However I really thought he would do something more special for my bday.

 

Let me explain what happened so you guys can tell me if I'm being too demanding or not.

 

So the day before my bday I planned to eat dinner with my bestie since he had told me previously he wanted to spend time with me on my bday. I had a sudden flash of inspiration and asked if he would come meet me for drinks after and I could spend the night at his and be with me come 12 and it was my bday. He agreed. During the night he waited for me 2 hours to finish my dinner (I think it was because he wanted to get to the city when the shops were open because he wanted to buy me a card) although I was accurate as to the time I would be finished. We met up he joked that he hadn't had time to buy me a present yet, took me to a nice bar and we had a few drinks, went back to his place where he presented me with my present.

 

The present was pretty thoughtful but actually exactly what I'd said I wanted. It was a perfume and some "him vouchers" ie redeemable for favors lol I know that sounds super sweet and it I but I'd actuslly joked with him before that's what I wanted so it wasn't him that came up with it. However he did put everything in a home made box that was made up to look like a claw machine because we always used to go to the arcade (and not win anything lol) so I thought that was really special and sweet.

 

We had a really good night as well he was very attentive to my needs and after when he were sleeping he held my hand and kissed me a lot. However he did tell me (previously) that he's actually not really big on kissing.

 

So that was all wonderful. We work together so he drove us there next day chatted and entertained me with stories (the thing I reallt love about him is he knows so much).

 

But the next day is actually my bday right? So after work he took me to dinner but turns out he didn't actually book. But it's a week night so that's fine however turns out he'd never been to the restaurant. It wasn't fancy or anything but he'd looked it up and it had good reviews and was in a nearby neighvourbood as he was thinking we shouldn't stay out too late since work next day.

 

I admit I was a bit disappointed since I thought the restaurant would be more special and what's wrong with travelling a little ways to some place he was more familiar with? I knew he used to go with his ex to some pretty fancy places although I'm not sure how often since they were together for so long. He also knows my ex used to take me to expensive restaurants so maybe he was actually trying to avoid that who knows.

 

Anyway that was okay the food was actually great. But I think we may have both been really tired since we had stayed up so late night before so he didn't really talk. I talked a lot and he actually commented that it was funny that I love to talk and eat at the same time since he's not like that. He's made this comment before so I guess this is legit.

 

Anyway if we don't talk during dinner we should at least talk after right? But instead he just drove me right home and although he parked his car to come out and give me a hug he didn't kiss me or even come.up although I invited him (my house mate had actually cleared out and she'd texted me letting me know she was staying over at a friends and I told him). He left pretty quickly and then after he got home he messaged me saying he was sorry but he really had a huge stomach ache and wanted to use the bathroom.

 

I was pretty exhausted and I guess he would have felt the same since he'd had exactly the same amount of sleep as me and the same day, but I still wanted to spend more time with him and shouldn't be feel the same?

 

Am I wrong to feel hurt? He could have used the bathroom at the restaurant or even mine. He could hAve come back after (he lives super close). We had a really good night night before but that was kind of planned by me? Didn't seem like he put a lot of thought into my bday.

 

I sent him a message that said I felt a bit sad I was spending the night alone and he messaged back saying aww and asking if I wanted him to call but I felt mad so I didn't reply and just went to sleep. I still have to see him tnr (he's picking me up for work) so I don't know what to say to him and wanted to get an objective opinion if I'm right to feel mad or if I'm behaving like a brat.

 

Also it may be true that we spend too much time together (work and living 10 min's away from each other) but I've actually been pretty busy on the evenings this week and so has he. The night before my bday was the first night we spent together that week). But he did mention he's the type that needs alone time which I can see is def true of his personality but it is my bday can't be put that aside for that night?

 

All opinions guys and girls are welcome! Thanks.

Edited August 13, 2015 by spiderlily12

[CarrieT]

Yes, I think you are being a bit demanding and spoiled; expecting more...

[usernametaken]

Yes. You are being way, way, way too demanding.

 

Dude made you a homemade arcade-claw-box and got you "the perfect gift." He also took you to dinner - so what if he didn't get reservations?? What on earth were you expecting? A sonnet? Skywriters?

 

Like, what sort of crazy production will you expect when someone actually proposes to you? Does Jason Mraz have to be there to serenade?

 

Either the new guy picked up on the fact that you seemed peeved about his lack of parade-throwing for your birthday and decided he'd had enough of you for that night, or he genuinely had diarrhea and went home because, let's face it, that's embarrassing as heck in the early stages of a relationship!!

 

It's just a birthday. If you're over 21, they're all the same from then on out. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think you're being too demanding. (female, 34 here)

 

The night before your birthday, he waited to be with you, took you out for drinks, and gave you a gift he thought would make you happy. Held and kissed you all night.

 

Your birthday arrives the next day and he takes you out. Admittedly, you're both a bit tired after work and he's not feeling well. You also both work the next day. He apologized for leaving quickly.

 

And this isn't enough for you? Moreover, you got angry and ignored his message.

 

Girl, no.

[Ms. Faust]

How many birthday celebrations do you need?

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, I think your expectations are sky high and nobody could meet them. Instead of being thankful for the many wonderful things he did for your birthday (including a homemade box), you focus on things that don't matter, like the restaurant not being fancy enough. I think that if you continue to think this way, you have a lot of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in your future. Learn to be grateful and count your MANY blessings.

[RecentChange]

Yeah wow - but I never understood the "celebrate ME!!' mentality of birthdays.

 

So what do you have planned for his birthday?

[Versacehottie]

I do understand wanting your birthday day(s) to be special. Sounds like he did a great job that you didn't quite appreciate. I don't think anything was wrong that last couple of hours other than his stomachache. You are reading too much into it and expecting it to be over-the-top blown sky high. He did a great job sounds like and sounds like he cares about you a lot. Very thoughtful the inside joke that he put into your present. Nothing to complain about here.

[spiderlily12]

Thanks guys for your quick responses. Woke up early (because I slept so early lol.. I'm in Australia), and couldn't go back to bed because I kept thinking about this. Maybe I am being too unreasonable.

 

I wanted to clarify that I didn't really mind too much about the restaurant. I was still really happy and chatty when we sat down to eat. But it was after that when he didn't want to spend the evening together although he knew my house mate had cleared out for that purpose that disappointed me.

 

But I guess I should be more reasonable to the fact that he was exhausted and probably (honestly) had diarrhea lol. We're pretty close (we've been friends for ages before dating), and he's gone to the toilet for number 2s plenty of times in my house so I don't think he would have been embarrassed to hide that from me haha. I think he probably honestly felt tired and we'd spent so much time together the night before he probably needed some alone time.

 

I guess I felt sad about that... I would have wanted to spend more time with him and he definitely could have felt that by the way I was behaving on the way home. He was okay knowing I would spend my birthday evening sitting at home by myself watching The Bachelor.. while he was at his house 10mins away also watching TV by himself.

 

When he was "chasing" he would want to spend 24/7 with me, never wanted me to go home, would beg just to talk to me an extra 10 mins... so I guess I was sold on that kind of behavior, and expected it to continue but I suppose can't expect that forever.

 

Don't worry for his birthday I will make him feel very, very special

[sunshine2]

I agree. I wish my birthday was that nice! He did so much I am surprised you even feel disappointed!

 

I have had many disappointing birthdays including my last one. I would of been over the moon to get half of what you did. I had to BBQ for mine, got a basketball, which I asked for but no card or flowers and managed to land in the ER for cutting my finger badly while cutting cantelope. So yea to me.. yours was awesome! LOL

[katiegrl]

 

He left pretty quickly and then after he got home he messaged me saying he was sorry but he really had a huge stomach ache and wanted to use the bathroom.

 

 

I sent him a message that said I felt a bit sad I was spending the night alone

 

 

Yes I agree with the others. Way WAY too demanding. He didn't feel well, give the guy a break.

[cessna]

You come across as very entitled to be brutally honest. You mentioned him chasing you before you got together. If he was chasing it was because you were playing games and making him chase.

 

He buys you the perfect present (your words) of perfume (not cheap) adds some nice little home-made touches, acts sweet all night caring for you and then takes you out for meal on your birthday and you're still not happy?

You even said the food at this place was great. So what's the problem, because it wasn't fancy/expensive enough?

 

Have you considered the fact that all this is all costing him money?

 

Plus, it also sounds like he's your personal taxi driver...

 

I agree with RecentChange, I cringe at the whole 'celebrate me' mentality. How old are you guys out of interest?

 

Just reading the title I assumed that he did nothing for you birthday and that maybe, like me, he doesn't take birthdays seriously at all. But no, turns out he did everything right and you still moan.

 

Two words. Spoilt. Brat.

[cessna]

Don't worry for his birthday I will make him feel very, very special

 

So you're going to have sex with him for his birthday whilst he has to wine and dine you at fancy restaurants and shower you with expensive gifts?

 

Sounds fair and balanced to me.

 

Good luck to your poor boyfriend. He has my sympathy.

[Qboro90]

You're being way to demanding and come off as spoiled to be honest. You talk and focus a lot on the early stages of your relationship and how you really enjoyed him "chasing" you. This guy seems to go out of his way to do things to make you feel special and happy and instead of looking at all the amazing things he does you find the 1 or 2 little things that bother you and get upset about it? That seems ridiculous and entitled if you ask me.

 

You're all about your BF chasing you but can I ask, what do you actually do for him? What have you done to keep this guy who seems pretty spectacular in general other than expect him to dote hand and foot on you? Seems like this is a one sided relationship where you're getting all the benefits and still aren't happy. I wonder if your BF will one day wake up and realize "what the heck is she doing for me? What's she done besides take take take? Might be time for you to do something nice for him instead of nitpicking what an otherwise stellar guy you've got apart.

[usernametaken]

Thanks guys for your quick responses. Woke up early (because I slept so early lol.. I'm in Australia), and couldn't go back to bed because I kept thinking about this. Maybe I am being too unreasonable.

 

I wanted to clarify that I didn't really mind too much about the restaurant. I was still really happy and chatty when we sat down to eat. But it was after that when he didn't want to spend the evening together although he knew my house mate had cleared out for that purpose that disappointed me.

 

But I guess I should be more reasonable to the fact that he was exhausted and probably (honestly) had diarrhea lol. We're pretty close (we've been friends for ages before dating), and he's gone to the toilet for number 2s plenty of times in my house so I don't think he would have been embarrassed to hide that from me haha. I think he probably honestly felt tired and we'd spent so much time together the night before he probably needed some alone time.

 

I guess I felt sad about that... I would have wanted to spend more time with him and he definitely could have felt that by the way I was behaving on the way home. He was okay knowing I would spend my birthday evening sitting at home by myself watching The Bachelor.. while he was at his house 10mins away also watching TV by himself.

 

When he was "chasing" he would want to spend 24/7 with me, never wanted me to go home, would beg just to talk to me an extra 10 mins... so I guess I was sold on that kind of behavior, and expected it to continue but I suppose can't expect that forever.

 

Don't worry for his birthday I will make him feel very, very special

 

I sort of get feeling a little miffed that he didn't want to stay the night - but, like you said, he wasn't feeling well, and that entitlement was probably radiating off you, too... Cut him some slack!

[Satu]

To be happy, be happy with what you have to be happy with.

[spiderlily12]

I appreciate all these responses even though they sound so harsh.

 

During the night I did thank him multiple times for the present and dinner and spending the time with him.

 

As for his birthday, of course I will do more than just have sex with him as someone mentioned lol... I already thought about what to get him ages ago. And it's not just a present and dinner.

 

We both do a lot for each other. For example when he lost his wallet previously on the way home he was really upset as it had a lot of sentimental value. I walked up and down the path from his house to the station (he lost in on the way) in the rain and in the dark and looked through all the shrubbery until I found it. He was super happy.

 

I guess what I really miss is the intensity of the early relationship when he did so much for me and never wanted to spend a moment apart. But I can see I'm being spoiled to expect that all the time.

 

Thanks for all your replies I'm heading out to spend the night with my other friends tonight and I think I'll pick him up a small "thank you" present to show my appreciation.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks guys for your quick responses. Woke up early (because I slept so early lol.. I'm in Australia), and couldn't go back to bed because I kept thinking about this. Maybe I am being too unreasonable.

 

I wanted to clarify that I didn't really mind too much about the restaurant. I was still really happy and chatty when we sat down to eat. But it was after that when he didn't want to spend the evening together although he knew my house mate had cleared out for that purpose that disappointed me.

 

But I guess I should be more reasonable to the fact that he was exhausted and probably (honestly) had diarrhea lol. We're pretty close (we've been friends for ages before dating), and he's gone to the toilet for number 2s plenty of times in my house so I don't think he would have been embarrassed to hide that from me haha. I think he probably honestly felt tired and we'd spent so much time together the night before he probably needed some alone time.

 

I guess I felt sad about that... I would have wanted to spend more time with him and he definitely could have felt that by the way I was behaving on the way home. He was okay knowing I would spend my birthday evening sitting at home by myself watching The Bachelor.. while he was at his house 10mins away also watching TV by himself.

 

When he was "chasing" he would want to spend 24/7 with me, never wanted me to go home, would beg just to talk to me an extra 10 mins... so I guess I was sold on that kind of behavior, and expected it to continue but I suppose can't expect that forever.

 

Don't worry for his birthday I will make him feel very, very special

 

Listen the chase is over. Maybe the romance would still be on if you appreciated his gestures. You can't be an bottomless pit of wanting and expect him to keeping giving endlessly at that same level all the time. Definitely guys back off on the romance once they feel a little more secure but they can still care/love you just as much. You have to think of additional ways to grow the romance and expand portions of the "chase"; participate in it, feed it. It changes; it won't always be about the same things. Now that he has you, you just have to be more creative and do stuff that inspires romantic gestures as well. Being thankful, praising and grateful will go along way with the way your bf sounds.

[cessna]

spiderlily12, how old are you two if you don't mind me asking?

[spiderlily12]

spiderlily12, how old are you two if you don't mind me asking?

 

This is probably going to get me into more trouble lol but we're both not that young. I'm actually older. I'm 29, he's 27.

[cessna]

Ah well that changes everything! You know what they say, you only turn 29 once. It's a biggie that one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Said no one, ever.

[usernametaken]

This is probably going to get me into more trouble lol but we're both not that young. I'm actually older. I'm 29, he's 27.

 

Yes, too old to care so much about birthdays, IMHO.

 

I have to give you props, though - you're being honest and not defensive. There is hope for you yet!

 

Just recognize that your guy is in the top 10%ile of birthday celebrating guys - he went above and beyond. Literally getting many guys to REMEMBER a birthday is damned near impossible.

[Satu]

I believe that we should measure ourselves by what we we give, rather than by what we receive.

 

That's one of the keys to happiness.

[pteromom]

he waited for me 2 hours to finish my dinner

 

took me to a nice bar and we had a few drinks

 

went back to his place where he presented me with my present.

 

The present was pretty thoughtful- It was a perfume and some "him vouchers"

 

he did put everything in a home made box that was made up to look like a claw machine

 

We had a really good night as well he was very attentive to my needs

 

after when he were sleeping he held my hand and kissed me a lot.

 

We work together so he drove us there next day chatted and entertained me with stories

 

after work he took me to dinner

 

he'd looked it up and it had good reviews

 

the food was actually great.

 

he parked his car to come out and give me a hug

 

he messaged me saying he was sorry but he really had a huge stomach ache and wanted to use the bathroom.

 

Wow. Look at all the things he did for you. You are very fortunate. You need to be appreciative rather than focusing on what didn't happen. The dude really put in a lot of effort for you!

 

I was pretty exhausted and I guess he would have felt the same since he'd had exactly the same amount of sleep as me and the same day, but I still wanted to spend more time with him and shouldn't be feel the same?

 

No - you are two different people, and...

 

he did mention he's the type that needs alone time which I can see is def true of his personality but it is my bday can't be put that aside for that night?

 

If he is an introvert, after being "on" and engaged and chatting for this long, he HAS to recharge his batteries.

 

He can't just "put aside" his personality for a night.

 

It doesn't work that way.

 

If you love him, that means accepting who he is, not expecting him to feel and behave exactly like you would.

 

You are welcome to tell him that next time, you would prefer a fancier restaurant and TWO nights of lovin', but I have a feeling next time, he would be putting less heart into it because it would feel like an obligation to keep you happy.

 

Instead, try to shift your thinking. You are lucky to have someone to put in so much effort.

[wb1988]

Your whole post was "me me me", so far it seems it's all take and no give; even then it seems like it's not enough for you (somehow).

 

Him going home after the restaurant is pretty obvious. You probably made him feel dissapointed (like you gave off "I was expecting more or better" vibe) so he then didn't talk and very much wanted to go home.

 

If your ex took you then nice restaurants then maybe you should date him. Unless of course he broke up with you, which to be honest seems to make better sense.

 

Also who gives a **** about your birthday. Nobody cares! I'm surprised that any guy would put so much effort for a girls bd that he recently started dating, either he's compensating or you're giving out a materialistic, spoilt and demanding vibe that he's unfortunately trying to fulfil.