njust1 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Hi All, my name is Nick, Long time reader first time poster... Some background: Roughly a month and a half ago my live in girlfriend of nearly 3 years left me for a "new" guy...Turned out she had been seeing this guy, texting, facebook, occasionally hanging out for several months,behind my back... finding that out felt real good... A little about her: She has 4 kids by two different men, the oldest and youngest by one guy, and the middle two by another... it was my first red flag... her and I had known each other since high school and even dated briefly in high school... several years later I was 30 her 28, she popped into my life out of nowhere pursuing me relentlessly, all the while still living with her ex, saying they were broken up and she was just trying to find a new place for her and her kids... I resisted her, refused to start a relationship or ANYTHING beyond friendship while she still lived with her supposed ex... she pursued me regardless... in my defense, I DID NOT enter into a relationship with her until she had her own place... once she had it, Roughly a month later I agreed we'd give it a shot, although I was guarded and hesitant given the children (hers) and mine(1child from a previous relationship)... Once I agreed, she immediately wanted me to move in... I could do no wrong on her eyes, and the idea of us having half the bills seemed ok... So, against my better judgment, I left my place and sacked up with her and the kids... big mistake, I even knew it then... fast forward 6 months, I was actually beginning to fall in love with her, and already had with the kids... Although, I was discovering that she was a very emotionally unstable person, constantly fighting with someone, physically audsaulting family members, and once me.... cue jerry springer... after her physical assault on me, I left, but she talked me back after about a week, with promises etc... Fast forward another year, our relationship had become routine, somewhat distant, but comfortable for both of us... there was still love and affection,intimacy etc, but she was drifting away, leaving me with the kids while she went out, disappearing without mentioning where she was going... I knew something was up, but was told lies any time I asked about it.. one night, I found out she'd been speaking to and hanging out with another guy... and with that it was over, she packed her stuff, packed the kids and moved into an apartment and moved the new guy right in... I was pretty upset, still dealing with it as you can imagine... The new guy: On parole, has 6 felonies related to drugs and alcohol, has no drivers license, has 4 kids with 3 different women, but makes her happier than she's ever been...???? So, come to find out, what she did with this guy before she left me, was the same she did to her ex husband twice, once with me, and once with her other children's father, whom she also did the same thing to... As you can imagine, logically this was toxic, a **** storm waiting to happen, and I even partially knew we would never last yet stayed, because like many, i always thought that eventually it would start improving, because there were so many "glimmers" of hope throughout the relationship... So now she's gone, left me in my big empty house (I got a house large enough for all of us, a 6 bdrm) ,and has dropped me like I never mattered... logically, I feel I've dodged a bullet, but emotionally I'm a mess... she still occasionally talks to me... mainly to tell me how we weren't compatible, how I caused her to be someone she wasnt, and act in ways she never has, etc etc..she went through my phone constantly, social media, even deleting people she didn't want me speaking to, accused me of cheating all the time, and again, claims to have never been tbis insecure and, for lack of a better term: crazy, in her life...She also goes out of her way to tell me to forget about her and the kids and move on, date, find happiness etc... I'm incredibly confused... can't understand why I miss the drama,(I had a quiet comfortable drama free life before her,and was happily single... ) I just don't get why I miss her, why in my mind, emotionally, I could justify still having feelings for this person... I am seeing a therapist, have been placed on anti depressants, and have even completely given up alcohol, started working out, getting in touch with old friends, not isolating, but here I am a month and a half later still feeling hurt and betrayed, like I'll never be loved that way again... while some felon is getting the best of her, and she's happy in her new relationship... what the hell happened to me? Why do I miss such a toxic person? Can anybody relate to this?
912brian24 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Thank god you don't have a kid with her!!! Run forest run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dodged a bullet?!?!?! Dude you dodged a missile!!!!! 4
Phoenixashes Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 It seems these toxic relationships can affect us more than anything. Not only do we question their treatment of us, we question ourselves ("how did I tolerate it? Why did I stick around? After all that, they dump ME? What's wrong with me?") Her history will repeat on his page or she will just have just met her match that will royally screw her over. So sorry this happend. We often hope our situation with them will be different but they rarely change. Her perusing you while with someone, though you waited, was a huge red flag. 1
Phoenixashes Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 And she raised her hands at you? What a mess. Let her be happy in her misery! 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 No, I can't, but to help, you need, absolutely, totally, to go No Contact. Read the NC Guide in my signature. It's the only way you'll ever survive this. Stick to it. By the way, regardless of when you actually broke up with her, the last converstaion you ever had with her - was the day you broke up with her. While you maintain contact, you keep the channels open, and you stay linked to her. Read the NC Guide, implement it and do not weaken, look back, or relent. 1
Author njust1 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Logic tells me to keep running... it's this damn emotion that is messing with me... no clue why I can't just move on and hopefully move up... it's been a major blow to my self esteem...
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Because you're still in touch with her. It's just keeping crap alive. Move on, let her try to contact you all she wants. Change your number - do everything the NC Guide tells you to. Otherwise you're just going to 'Groundhog Day' for the foreseeable.... 1
Author njust1 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 I appreciate the responses so much... I guess, the no contact seems like the only reasonable solution, any contact only hurts, and is generally full of her being dishonest, or bringing up our relationship and how I "was so terrible for her, and caused her to act like someone she wasn't"... she's had ample time to get her few remaining things, which have been packed and sitting at the end of my driveway for nearly 3 weeks, even though she has said several times that she's coming to get it, and how important it is, but she never does... I'm not too concerned with getting my stuff that she took back... So, I guess it's time to just completely cut the losses and follow the no contact guide... while dealing with this unreasonable and unjustified emotional fallout... Fortunately, she doesn't know how much this has affected me, and I can't understand why it's affected me so much... it was toxic, and so incredibly stressful, unfulfilling, and unhealthy... At 32yrs old, I never imagined anybody, especially someone so dysfunctional could ever "cause"/trigger me to feel this way...
aloneinaz Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) It seems these toxic relationships can affect us more than anything. Not only do we question their treatment of us, we question ourselves ("how did I tolerate it? Why did I stick around? After all that, they dump ME? What's wrong with me?") Her history will repeat on his page or she will just have just met her match that will royally screw her over. So sorry this happend. We often hope our situation with them will be different but they rarely change. Her perusing you while with someone, though you waited, was a huge red flag. This is a great, accurate post and right on point. Having dealt with an emotionally un stable, probably BPD suffering ex, I felt the same way when it was over. It's so typical of these emotionally, toxic people to swing from relationship to relationship w/rarely any alone time. My last ex was exactly like this. She went from one relationship to the other after her divorce. They usually only lasted 3 months before she'd dump the person. We lasted off/on over a year of hell for me. As it was mentioned, these people don't change unless they really commit to intense therapy. Since my ex ended us and I rejected her 6 months later when she wanted me back, she's now on her 3rd guy since our break up. Meanwhile, I'm happily with my GF of two years. To the OP.. BREATHE and recognize that many (myself including) have been exactly where you are, feeling all the same things. The difference between how you are handling it and how I handled her dumping me, is night and day. She ended us. I went hardcore NC, blocked her on everything and she NEVER heard from me again. Out of sight, out of mind is the only thing that will heal you and allow you to move on. Don't talk to her again. Ignore her and worry about you. Edited August 14, 2015 by aloneinaz 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I appreciate the responses so much... I guess, the no contact seems like the only reasonable solution, any contact only hurts, and is generally full of her being dishonest, or bringing up our relationship and how I "was so terrible for her, and caused her to act like someone she wasn't"... she's had ample time to get her few remaining things, which have been packed and sitting at the end of my driveway for nearly 3 weeks, even though she has said several times that she's coming to get it, and how important it is, but she never does... I'm not too concerned with getting my stuff that she took back... So, I guess it's time to just completely cut the losses and follow the no contact guide... while dealing with this unreasonable and unjustified emotional fallout... Fortunately, she doesn't know how much this has affected me, and I can't understand why it's affected me so much... it was toxic, and so incredibly stressful, unfulfilling, and unhealthy... At 32yrs old, I never imagined anybody, especially someone so dysfunctional could ever "cause"/trigger me to feel this way... Do you know where she is? If you do, arrange for a cab to pick it up (or a mutual friend) and take it over, dump it on her front porch, and leave. No contact is necessary. Just get rid of the crap that reminds you of her every time you look at it. It may cost a few bucks, but it's worth it just to get her totally off your radar. Maintain No Contact, refuse to engage in any form of dialogue whatsoever. 1
contel3 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I can relate to this. What helped me was realising people like this don't change. They try to convince you they did to make themselves feel better, but there's nothing more to it. The other thing that helped me is realising it really doesn't matter if she is happy with the new guy. She would have made you suffer a lot more if you stayed together! It might seem unfair now that she looks so "happy" but I really don't believe she is. Those people are never truly happy. Why? Because they are unhappy with themselves. So really, it doesn't matter if her relationship is going well. Also, it's an opportunity for you to be truly happy- without her. 4
Clarkwg Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Hi All, my name is Nick, Long time reader first time poster... Some background: Roughly a month and a half ago my live in girlfriend of nearly 3 years left me for a "new" guy...Turned out she had been seeing this guy, texting, facebook, occasionally hanging out for several months,behind my back... finding that out felt real good... A little about her: She has 4 kids by two different men, the oldest and youngest by one guy, and the middle two by another... it was my first red flag... her and I had known each other since high school and even dated briefly in high school... several years later I was 30 her 28, she popped into my life out of nowhere pursuing me relentlessly, all the while still living with her ex, saying they were broken up and she was just trying to find a new place for her and her kids... I resisted her, refused to start a relationship or ANYTHING beyond friendship while she still lived with her supposed ex... she pursued me regardless... in my defense, I DID NOT enter into a relationship with her until she had her own place... once she had it, Roughly a month later I agreed we'd give it a shot, although I was guarded and hesitant given the children (hers) and mine(1child from a previous relationship)... Once I agreed, she immediately wanted me to move in... I could do no wrong on her eyes, and the idea of us having half the bills seemed ok... So, against my better judgment, I left my place and sacked up with her and the kids... big mistake, I even knew it then... fast forward 6 months, I was actually beginning to fall in love with her, and already had with the kids... Although, I was discovering that she was a very emotionally unstable person, constantly fighting with someone, physically audsaulting family members, and once me.... cue jerry springer... after her physical assault on me, I left, but she talked me back after about a week, with promises etc... Fast forward another year, our relationship had become routine, somewhat distant, but comfortable for both of us... there was still love and affection,intimacy etc, but she was drifting away, leaving me with the kids while she went out, disappearing without mentioning where she was going... I knew something was up, but was told lies any time I asked about it.. one night, I found out she'd been speaking to and hanging out with another guy... and with that it was over, she packed her stuff, packed the kids and moved into an apartment and moved the new guy right in... I was pretty upset, still dealing with it as you can imagine... The new guy: On parole, has 6 felonies related to drugs and alcohol, has no drivers license, has 4 kids with 3 different women, but makes her happier than she's ever been...???? So, come to find out, what she did with this guy before she left me, was the same she did to her ex husband twice, once with me, and once with her other children's father, whom she also did the same thing to... As you can imagine, logically this was toxic, a **** storm waiting to happen, and I even partially knew we would never last yet stayed, because like many, i always thought that eventually it would start improving, because there were so many "glimmers" of hope throughout the relationship... So now she's gone, left me in my big empty house (I got a house large enough for all of us, a 6 bdrm) ,and has dropped me like I never mattered... logically, I feel I've dodged a bullet, but emotionally I'm a mess... she still occasionally talks to me... mainly to tell me how we weren't compatible, how I caused her to be someone she wasnt, and act in ways she never has, etc etc..she went through my phone constantly, social media, even deleting people she didn't want me speaking to, accused me of cheating all the time, and again, claims to have never been tbis insecure and, for lack of a better term: crazy, in her life...She also goes out of her way to tell me to forget about her and the kids and move on, date, find happiness etc... I'm incredibly confused... can't understand why I miss the drama,(I had a quiet comfortable drama free life before her,and was happily single... ) I just don't get why I miss her, why in my mind, emotionally, I could justify still having feelings for this person... I am seeing a therapist, have been placed on anti depressants, and have even completely given up alcohol, started working out, getting in touch with old friends, not isolating, but here I am a month and a half later still feeling hurt and betrayed, like I'll never be loved that way again... while some felon is getting the best of her, and she's happy in her new relationship... what the hell happened to me? Why do I miss such a toxic person? Can anybody relate to this? The bit at the end where you ask "can anybody relate to this"? There is a lot on here that could, me being one of them. Unfortunately I took this crap for nearly a decade & had a daughter with this woman. Same as you, mine moved on straight away & had another man in her bed within a month of me being out of it. She then tells people she is the happiest she has ever been etc etc but now 7 months on I know for a fact she has had at least 3 break ups with the new victim. None of that should matter to me though as I need to focus on my daughter & fixing myself after the emotional trauma that Iv been through. Unfortunately it's still hard for me though, mine has mentally damaged me & although everybody tells me how much better I am out of it, there is just something that craves her & that horrible toxic bull**** relationship. My ex showed signs consistent of someone who suffers form BPD, I don't know if she was suffering from it or not but maybe you should look that up too. The poster @Downtown will beable to give you a fantastic insight in to it if you need help. Good luck! 1
aloneinaz Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Same as you, mine moved on straight away & had another man in her bed within a month of me being out of it. She then tells people she is the happiest she has ever been etc etc but now 7 months on I know for a fact she has had at least 3 break ups with the new victim. there is just something that craves her & that horrible toxic bull**** relationship. I'd agree that this woman had some strong BPD traits. They are known for HATING to be alone, thus, they swing from one relationship to another just like my ex. You're absolutely correct in these people NOT changing. Once these toxic people get their claws in you and your hooked, they stop being on their best, seduce you behavior and you REALLY see what you're dealing with. The problem? We're still hooked and believe they will change back to what we fell in love with. Duh.. that doesn't happen!! I saw a therapist after my crazy ex for the sole purpose of asking "WTF is wrong with me that I stuck in w/her that long"?!?! She was honest in saying some people can get "addicted" to the chaos and the highs and lows of relationships with toxic people. I don't know what it is about human brains. It's like the hot girl in HS who treated Mr. Nice Guy like a POS and then fell in love and became obsessed with the Bad Boy who used her and treated her like crap.. 1
Author njust1 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 The wreckage and aftermath is inedible... While she goes on happily with her new "dream guy",albeit a life time criminal, I've Been left to deal with the emotional aftermath that my 6 year old son and I are experiencing... it's so strange how she went from so unbelievably loving,caring, and nurturing to such a cold heartless person towards me... I've been through breakups,but have never experienced one, in this way, with so many questions, so much hurt... My therapist has suggested that she has some issues, such as BPD, but I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist, so I just assume that she is human, with issues just like everyone else... although logic, and her decisions/behavior suggest it's something much larger, than just your standard issues... This experience has made me wish I could turn my feelings off like a light switch.... the way she did... but, it has also taught me that, I am human and capable of loving someone, flaws, imperfections, crazy behavior at times and all... I was able to accept and love her 4 children, not hold her past against her, and go for broke with someone who was by all terms and definitions, damaged... I never knew I had that ability in me... now, I'm not very proud of it...
carhill Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Dealt with this a fair amount when dating, mainly running into 'separated' MW's, either disclosed or undisclosed. This worked for me
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