I want to get my ex-boyfriend back but I really messed up... I feel horrible

[jasxo]

I'm thankful to anyone who takes the time to read this and respond.

 

Here’s my story:

 

I met him about two years ago and he pursued me heavily during that time. At first, I was not interested in him at all. He used to frequent the restaurant I waitressed at and would always smile at me and find little ways to talk to me. My other co-workers always used to tease me when he came around because it was very obvious he liked me. One day he walked up to me after he finished his meal and asked me on a date. It was clear that he was very nervous and didn’t do this often, so I accepted. After a few months of dating and texting, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. I didn’t plan on being in a relationship anytime soon but he completely won me over.

 

Our relationship was one of the most amazing times of my life. I did not know a man like him could even exist. He was trustworthy, faithful, attended to all my needs, complimented me constantly, told his friends he was gonna marry me, never disrespected me, expressed his love every single day, had pictures of us all over his house and genuinely made me feel like the most special girl in the universe. His family loved me and mine loved him. Basically he was a dream come true. From a completely rational and objective standpoint, he was a one in a million type of guy. He had all the values and traits I could ever want in a partner. Even our small differences complimented each other. There was not one thing he did wrong during the course of our relationship. Then I screwed everything up…

 

Fast forward about 10 months into our relationship… Depression, abandonment issues and other personal demons from my past came back to haunt me and felt I needed to sabotage my own happiness. Sounds stupid, I know. I started to act more and more moody towards him and can admit I was not the most pleasant person to be around. We would still have good times together, but I found myself snapping at him over silly things, correcting him and being generally cold towards him. Even during this time, he remained just as sweet and supportive as he’d always been. In retrospect, I can see that he must have been on eggshells, trying not to do anything to set me off.

 

Two weeks ago, I guess he had enough because he broke up with me. He said he still loves me and cares about me with all of his heart but expressed he needs some time to fix himself after everything that happened, and added that I should use this time apart to work on my problems as well. He made it clear that he still wants to be my friend, and said if it ever feels right to start over down the line once we’re both “fixed” he sees no reason why we couldn’t make it happen. He added that he’d rather preserve our relationship as it is now and come back to it, than continue the path we’re on now and end up resenting each other.

 

I cried like a baby in his arms and begged for him back for about two hours. I told him I would make a change but he said changes take time and he's giving me that time. Before he dropped me back home he said “Just keep a positive mind. If we’re meant to be, true love will conquer this." With that, he left. He changed his relationship status the next day but kept all of our pictures. We haven't spoken since. Its been about 2 weeks.

 

I hate myself for doing this. I know it was all my fault and I'm genuinely sorry. I want to make a positive change in myself. Here's where I need your advice...

 

1) Does it sound as if he was sincere about working things out later or just using it as an excuse to get away?

 

2) Even though he wants to be friends, should I decline that offer and remain no contact bearing in mind I want to reconcile?

 

3) If he sends me a friendly message, should I just ignore it? Ignoring him seems a bit harsh after he was so amazing to me.

 

4) Finally and most importantly, how is he supposed to know I've changed and worked on myself if we aren't ever in contact with each other? How can I expect him to come crawling and asking for me back if he doesn't know I've fixed the things that caused the breakup??? I'm very confused and wish I just never acted that way to begin with.

[Gus Grimly]

I think he said he needed to fix himself to minimalize the hurt caused from telling you to work on your problems. I'd take his advice and make a fearless and searching moral inventory and work on all your character flaws that have led to this heartbreak. He could be telling you the truth about working things out, but most likely he said it to ease the pain of breaking up.

 

Change does take time, and perhaps one day you will be reunited. I'd stay no contact for now. Focus on yourself and work to improve yourself. Be the best version you can be. Show him you have changed. Once you feel like you've made progress you could try reaching out to him. Grab some coffee and catch up. I wouldn't keep my hopes up. As it stands now, it's over. You need to consider moving on and putting him behind you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's being dishonest about his reason for breaking up with you, and he may indeed be open to reconciliation in the future.

 

Considering that, I wouldn't ignore him if he sends a friendly message. If you would like the chance to work on getting back together down the road, I don't think ignoring him would be wise. However, I would still keep contact very limited thereafter. He knows how you feel, and that you didn't want this break-up. But unless and until he reaches out, I would stay no contact.

 

What you need to do now is to figure out what you will do to make positive changes in your own life. It's good that you acknowledge you've got some emotional struggles - now what are you going to do to address them? Make a plan for yourself. Not with the intention of winning him back, but with the goal of bettering you and getting to a healthier place. If you don't, these issues will continue to cause problems in future relationships.

 

As you've said, being on the receiving end of a bad temper and frigid disposition is very difficult. I know what it feels like, and similar to your ex-boyfriend, I'd finally had enough. I didn't want to hurt my ex, but I couldn't take it anymore either. I felt unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. It's painful and not fun to be around. You're still in a position now to rectify some of this and move on. Take this opportunity to do so.

[An0nymiss666]

1. Nobody knows except him. If he's fed up, then he's fed up. He might be open to the idea since you guys do love each other, but if he's truly unhappy, then he's not going to stay in the current situation or let it get worse...know what I mean? But it could also be an excuse to get away without hurting you for the same reasons.

 

2. I would say that's not a great sign that he'd want to "remain friends." That's like wanting to keep you around no strings attached in my opinion so I would opt out of that for no contact.

 

3. Even if it seems harsh to ignore him, it's your best bet unless it's exactly what you want to hear. You really have to be strong and set the bar and accept no less than 110% what you want. If what you want is to reconcile then don't bother with this "being friends" business. No matter how nice he is, he hurt you by leaving and I wouldn't take that lightly.

 

4. Honestly just go no contact. I know it's hard but I really wish I had in my situation. There isn't anything you can do and unfortunately that ball has to be in his court.

 

This almost sounds like my breakup in January. I know I can have attitude at times and I've been wrong but I didn't think that was any reason to end it. He blocked me then he came back a month later. Instead of ignoring him I didn't. We talked and talked and sometimes we still didn't get along. He moved away shortly before we broke up and I even went to see him, and we saw each other when he was in town. Despite how he was making me feel, I wasn't GETTING "what I wanted" and we never got back together. But I was still feeding into it and it ate me up inside and now here I am, almost a year later and I still don't know what to do with myself. Even when he made me feel wanted he still never actually wanted to get back together. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

 

I'm not advocating playing mind games, because that's not what it is. You absolutely have to ignore him unless he tells you exactly what you want to hear, whether it's an apology or whatever it is. Because I didn't and I ended up worse than when we first broke up 8 months ago....

 

Sometimes people just aren't meant to be together and you have to ask yourself if there's something about him that makes you react that way, or if you just rub each other the wrong way. As much as I love my ex and can't believe how I acted sometimes, I often wonder now if we are even that compatible to begin with even though we had a great relationship and thought we'd get married. Even some good things come to an end.

[aloneinaz]

I'd have to agree with the others. He's gone and will not come back. There are not many people would tolerate being treated like described by you towards him. You have to be proud of him to pull the plug and end it.

 

 

Honestly, you should leave the poor guy alone forever. You've accepted responsibility for your actions and the ending of this relationship. Now, DO SOMETHING about addressing your issues so you don't repeat them with the next guy.

 

 

We've all made mistakes and learned from them. You have a fresh reminder of mistakes not to make next time.