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Just out of Curiousity, Do you think it's possible for cheaters and liars to change?


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Posted

Now, I HAVE NOT contacted my ex at all since I decided to do NC. Since then I've gotten the usual txt messages asking me where i am and how come I stood her up. I didn't want her to think that I was like missing or anything, so I just sent a message saying "I am fine, don't worry".

 

Anyways, I am really wondering if it is possible for people who lie and cheat to ever change. If they show that they really do want to change who they are, is it ever possible for them to change? In my experience, I'd have to say that the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" pretty much applies across the board.

Posted

It's possible in the way that winning the lottery is possible, but I wouldn't count on it.

Posted

i think it all depends on the situation leading to the cheating. Not that it is ever the ok thing to do, but i would think, the girl that f*cked some random dude when she was drunk off her arss, would have less chance of re-cheating than the Girl that gets bored and rather than break it off, starts dating with a bf.

Posted

1. Anyways, I am really wondering if it is possible for people who lie and cheat to ever change.

2. If they show that they really do want to change who they are, is it ever possible for them to change?

3. In my experience, I'd have to say that the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" pretty much applies across the board.

 

For the serial cheater:

 

1. Yes it is. It requires a goal-directed conscious choice to stop trying to excuse or question their behavior, and to take the steps necessary to readjust whatever it is inside themselves that drives them to make the choice to cheat. It takes a long time, and a lot of 'retraining' the mind to make those adjustments, and the person has to be fully committed to the process. It is best done outside the context of any relationship, as to not bias the reasons for wanting to change. If they want to change, they will. Otherwise they'll try to convince you that they can change, but not take any real steps to actually do so. If cheating has become a learned behavior in relationships, it can be very very hard to unlearn. Not impossible, though.

2. Yes, if they want to change they will take the necessary measures to do so. They HAVE to want to do it for themselves though. If they are doing it for anyone else, or purely for anyone else's benefit - it is pretty much guaranteed not to actually 'stick'.

3. It usually does, because very few cheaters who say they can change ever take the necessary steps to do so, or do so only under false pretense, and then subsequently revert.

 

There are 'situational' cheaters as well. People who only cheat in the context of certain relationships. One woman's cheating "dog" might turn out to be another woman's faithful "Prince Charming". It is entirely determined by the emotional dynamics of the partners. For 'situational cheaters' - they will cheat when the see a motive, means and opportunity to do so without getting caught. Spur-of-the-moment impulsive bad decision making. They take advantage of problems in the relationship as a reason to step out of it. If the relationship continues to not work for them, and their partner isn't meeting their needs - then the cheating will become chronic in the context of that particular relationship. For serial cheaters, they will cheat or want to cheat regardless of the relationship dynamics. They don't need a reason.

 

Will a person who cheated always cheat again? It depends on the person and the relationship.

Posted

Well...I can sort of answer that from personal experience, as much as I am ashamed to admit that on this particular board.

 

Just because a person cheats once doesn't mean they will do it again. Also, just because a person lies once doesn't mean they will do it again.

 

I have cheated and I have lied, and I will not do it again. For me, it was situational. I really hurt the person I was with (and I'm still with, actually) and I've tried very hard to make up for what I did.

 

I've probably stayed with him through things I shouldn't have just because of the guilt I've had, but things are looking much better now then in the past.

 

So, no, it's not true across the board. People can be reformed, BUT it has to be a personal choice. Guilt tactics and smothering someone will not make them a reformed cheater. It has to come from a genuine place with in them.

Posted

yep...it's all personal choices. and the people with higher ethics and morals will Probably be your best bets.

Posted

Probably, dear. Probably. ;-)

Posted

ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER!!

 

Everyone gets tempted but when you care and love someone those things shouldn't even come to mind. If you eel you need to cheat or lie...just leave that person, let them go...No one deserves to be cheated on or lied to...

 

Theirs only so many mistakes you can make you know what I mean jelly bean... :p

Posted

I've cheated before. I'd never cheat again.

 

Once a cheater, not always a cheater.

Once a faithful mate, not always a faithful mate.

 

It'd be ludicrous to think people never change. Sheesh, we'd all be ate up with it just about.

Posted

Yeah people can change but the odds are high. Once they have gotten a habit it's hard to let go but it's not impossible.

Posted

I think it's possible, but they have to want to change. Not only that, they have to make big, impressive, verifiable changes. Talk is cheap. It also requires a lot of self-exploration on the part of the former lying cheat.

 

My almost-ex-wife was/is a serial cheat and a fairly skillful liar. She didn't want to be married anymore but also wanted to change her ways (too late for me to benefit, but oh well...). For some reason -- as she freely admits -- it's very important to her that I see her changes and acknowledge them. I'm not sure why this is, but it's probably so that I don't forever regard her as a lying cheat.

 

Anyway, the difficulty in this situation is that, even if I was comfortable spending more time with her than necessary (which I'm not), I'm not sure how I would know if she'd changed or not. For all I know, she's cheating on her BF. The only way for me to verify that she's NOT would be to hire a PI. And for obvious reasons, I'm not inclined to simply accept her word that she's "changed." I take most things she says with a grain of salt unless they're independently verifiable or not important in the grand scheme. Investigating for truth would take more effort than I want to expend on an ex-spouse.

 

These are just the difficulties that I'd encounter if I were actually trying to assess her changes from OUTSIDE a relationship. I can only imagine that it's much harder to do if you're actually trying to reconcile or rebuild with a supposedly former lying cheat -- since you can't follow them around 24/7, I guess you kind of have to take them at their word on some things. And that would be very hard to do, when they've demonstrated through their words and actions in the past that their word is worthless.

Posted

I think it's possible. I don't think, Sanne, that your ex will ever change. The s*** she pulled was way too pathological.

 

My ex cheated, and I'm cutting her off forever - part because, from my POV, there is no remedy for how she treated me, and partly because I feel that in order for her to change, she has to suffer the dire consequences of her actions. If I take her back, that will tell her that she can cheat and it will be ok in the long run. It's not ok, and sometimes consequences are harsh. I hope she learns not to cheat (except on the guy she cheated on me with. She needs to break that sonofabitch's heart.)

 

I think that people will only change when they see the damage that their choices cause.

Posted

I certainly wouldn't count on it. Just yesterday I was out at a restaurant and saw an old friend. She said she had seen an ex of mine from a long time ago who had cheated on me. Apparently, she was dating one of the managers at the restaurant for 8 months and cheated on him FOUR TIMES before he found out. He was brokenhearted. I gave him some LS advice. "She's a slut. Let her go and move on. Far far away."

Posted

My personal experience says that a cheater and liar will never change. This actually transcends relationships, for example if your Gf in her previous relationship was cheating her bf(even for you?), then 100 % be sure that she will cheat on you too.

 

We give them a chance out of love or due to our emotinal weakness but when they do it again it is more of blow, so cut it at the first time.

Posted

It depends on who you consider a cheater. I would never cheat and have never cheated on anyone I've been in love with while I've been in love and felt loved by them also. It was either because I didn't care enough or because they din't care enough. So for some people I was a cheater, but I can look at it from another point of view as well.

I was young (17 and 19), the guy was not the right one, I was thinking about leaving him, but changed my mind later. I also cheated once on a person I didn't love.

I felt like I cheated on my ex-husband, but it wasn't really cheating. He left me the first time when our twins were only two weeks old. I kept bringing him back and he kept leaving until he finally left when the kids were 2 y.o. So during one of these times, when he packed his bags and left, I was with another man (once and I didn't even like this man, it was a revenge). We were separated for weeks, maybe even months, I really don't remember (and don't want to).

I'm not a cheater and I don't want to cheat on my future husband. I don't look at other guys nor have I any interest in them. I would feel terrible to cheat on someone I'm in love with and who loves me and my children so much.

So the term "cheater" should be clearly defined individually. If someone is a dog or a slut then it's a matter of personality and not a matter of a relationship.

My ex-BF is the kind of person who would never ever cheat under any circumstances. But he is kinda anti-sexual. Who needs a guy like that?

But don't get me wrong! I'm not saying you should risk anything. I believe in promises if they come from a reliable person.

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