Islander19 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I've been in a relationship with a woman 11 years older than me (I'm 27 and she's 38) for about a month and a half now. At first the age difference didn't bother me at all, as I figured this would just be something casual. However, I quickly realized that I was interested in her being more than just a casual fling. We clicked instantly and honestly, I've never felt this kind of connection with someone before. She's told me she feels the same way and wants this to be something more. So as of now we're just seeing where things and enjoying each other's company. At the moment the age difference isn't a problem. I usually forget she's so much older because we get a long so well and she looks younger than she is. However, I can't help but think that if we stay together it may eventually cause some problems. I know with these kind of relationships children are usually the biggest problem. However, neither of us have kids but both of us want them some day. Obviously her biological clock might be a bit of a problem, but there are a number of ways to have kids these days so I don't think this is going to be a problem. Is there anything else that could cause trouble down the road? I'm also curious what people's thoughts are on the younger man/older woman relationship. I'd also love to hear from other people who are in a similar relationship and if you have any advice. Thanks for reading!
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I think younger men dating older women is not frown upon like it use to. Also 10 years isn't that much of a big deal. If she were 20 years older then we'd talk. I know plenty of couples like you who got married and got children and are perfectly happy. Women in general stay healthy and active longer than men.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 As a guy that's dated many older women, I'll share some insight. Even though communication is easier and the sex is great, it's usually more trouble than it's worth. You have to deal with a lot of insecurity and commitment phobia on their part. 1) Physical attraction - They'd need constant reassurance of how attracted I was. Go on and on about how they worried I'd eventually leave for a more attractive woman, etc.. It gets REALLY old after awhile. 2) Kids - They'd always be nervous that I'd leave them for a woman that actually wants kids (all of them were at a point where they didn't anymore). Even though I told them over and over I was fine w-never having kids, they just didn't believe me. So in every case, they were fine while things were casual. Then after months of dating/sex, I'd want something more. That's when they'd want to bolt because of the issues that I mentioned. Also, none of the older women I dated were "cougars" w-younger guy experience. They just happened to make exceptions for me because of how mature I was and how we got along. In many ways this was part of the appeal for me because it was very flattering knowing I got what other younger guys didn't. However, I also think this was part of the problem. If they had more younger guy experience and knew what it entailed, I think they wouldn't have been quite as nervous about commitment. 1
Author Islander19 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 As a guy that's dated many older women, I'll share some insight. Even though communication is easier and the sex is great, it's usually more trouble than it's worth. You have to deal with a lot of insecurity and commitment phobia on their part. 1) Physical attraction - They'd need constant reassurance of how attracted I was. Go on and on about how they worried I'd eventually leave for a more attractive woman, etc.. It gets REALLY old after awhile. 2) Kids - They'd always be nervous that I'd leave them for a woman that actually wants kids (all of them were at a point where they didn't anymore). Even though I told them over and over I was fine w-never having kids, they just didn't believe me. So in every case, they were fine while things were casual. Then after months of dating/sex, I'd want something more. That's when they'd want to bolt because of the issues that I mentioned. Also, none of the older women I dated were "cougars" w-younger guy experience. They just happened to make exceptions for me because of how mature I was and how we got along. In many ways this was part of the appeal for me because it was very flattering knowing I got what other younger guys didn't. However, I also think this was part of the problem. If they had more younger guy experience and knew what it entailed, I think they wouldn't have been quite as nervous about commitment. Thanks for the advice. She definitely has some self confidence issues, especially when it comes to her looks. I find her extremely attractive but she's always talking down about herself. She's currently separated and according to her it was a sexless marriage. It was her husband that wasn't interested in sex which seems to have really taken a toll on her self confidence. So I can see your first point potentially being a problem down the road. As for your second point, we're both on the same page when it comes to kids, so I don't think this is going to cause a huge problem. Also, another interesting point is that her husband was 8 years younger than her, so this isn't her first time with a younger guy.
Gloria25 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I agree in part with fitnessfan365, but instead of labeling it as a "negative", I call it "facts" and/or "practicalities"... For one, IMO, only fools like Demi Moore and "cougars" who "prey" on younger guys are just like those insecure older guys chasing chicks half their age or less....Cuz, they are seeking the fountain of youth through cubs. So yea, they are insecure about their looks, age, and are gonna never stop seeking reassurance. Shoot, they'll pretty much dump you once you get "too old" for them (like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins). Having kids? Well yeah, fact is you and other guys your age - while having fun is cool and all that, you're too young to know if you see yourself as a childless guy. So, an older woman knows that. So, how is her recognizing a "fact" something negative? About commitment? Ok, again, some of us are in a point in our lives (male or female) where either we had kids and done raised them and just want "company" and/or, we didn't have kids for whatever reasons (career, not into it) and just want "company". That does not equate insecurities, sleeping around, and/or a lack of commitment. I would marry right now if I met the right guy...but marriage usually has kids and comingling finances attached with it and I don't want kids and/or some guy touching my money - that does not mean I ain't a "one-man-woman". So, if you want company and good times, and older woman is gonna be an interesting experience ...just be realistic about what you want long term relationship-wise.
WomenWubber Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 As a guy that's dated many older women, I'll share some insight. Even though communication is easier and the sex is great, it's usually more trouble than it's worth. You have to deal with a lot of insecurity and commitment phobia on their part. 1) Physical attraction - They'd need constant reassurance of how attracted I was. Go on and on about how they worried I'd eventually leave for a more attractive woman, etc.. It gets REALLY old after awhile. 2) Kids - They'd always be nervous that I'd leave them for a woman that actually wants kids (all of them were at a point where they didn't anymore). Even though I told them over and over I was fine w-never having kids, they just didn't believe me. So in every case, they were fine while things were casual. Then after months of dating/sex, I'd want something more. That's when they'd want to bolt because of the issues that I mentioned. Also, none of the older women I dated were "cougars" w-younger guy experience. They just happened to make exceptions for me because of how mature I was and how we got along. In many ways this was part of the appeal for me because it was very flattering knowing I got what other younger guys didn't. However, I also think this was part of the problem. If they had more younger guy experience and knew what it entailed, I think they wouldn't have been quite as nervous about commitment. This. Pretty much my experience as well.
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 1) Physical attraction - They'd need constant reassurance of how attracted I was. Go on and on about how they worried I'd eventually leave for a more attractive woman, etc.. It gets REALLY old after awhile. A woman that does that will do it with any man she dates no matter his age. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) A woman that does that will do it with any man she dates no matter his age. But it was always based around the age difference. "You'll probably want someone younger and more attractive than me eventually". So it always came off like they'd be comfortable more w-a guy their own age. In general though the story was pretty similar w-all of them. Out of a boring passionless marriage. Liked the rough hot sex and a younger guy making them feel more alive. But then after the initial appeal wore off and they were faced w-the age difference, it brought out insecurity on their part. I know that men are usually thought of as the commitment phobic gender. However, I really grew to care about some of the older women I dated and would have wanted a serious LTR. But when none of them would hint at it, and I'd be forced to eventually bring it up (usually after 3-4 months), they'd all wind up ending it w-me blaming it on the age difference. This always bugged me because they knew my age going in and it's something I have no control over. So they should have just not gotten involved w-a younger guy in the first place. Edited August 13, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Timshel Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 A woman that does that will do it with any man she dates no matter his age. Agree Gaeta. Also, women of any age can be insecure about her looks. Some women are, some aren't. It's not an age thing. Growing older is not an automatic go directly to freak out/insecure pass. It just ain't. 4
xcupid Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Seems to me "age difference" is an easy cop out. If the compatibility is there and the chemistry is there then age difference - especially 11 years on the guy's side - shouldn't be a problem. It still boils down to the person you're with and how you get along with that person. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Seems to me "age difference" is an easy cop out. If the compatibility is there and the chemistry is there then age difference - especially 11 years on the guy's side - shouldn't be a problem. It still boils down to the person you're with and how you get along with that person. Well everyone's experiences are different. I can only comment on the older women I've been with. But from the get go with over 20 women (ranging from 10-20 years older), they needed constant reassurance on their looks and bringing up if I'd meet a younger woman I was more attracted to, if I'd eventually want kids, etc.. So after 3-4 months of this, it does seem plausible at least when a woman says the age difference finally got to her. I mean I could see it being a cop out if they never brought up anything associated w-the age difference and they were fully confident the whole time. But for me personally, it was the same in each case w-insecurity and commitment phobia over age difference issues. As I said before though, none of them were the "cougar" type. So I think their lack of experience dating someone younger was part of the problem. But I never wanted a "cougar". I was attracted to seducing women who claimed they'd never date a younger man.
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 But it was always based around the age difference. "You'll probably want someone younger and more attractive than me eventually". So it always came off like they'd be comfortable more w-a guy their own age. And when she is with men her age her speech was *You'll probably want someone thinner, more attractive, more active than me* I know, I got a girl friend like that. No matter who she dates she is always afraid she won't be enough.
Timshel Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 As I said before though, none of them were the "cougar" type. So I think their lack of experience dating someone younger was part of the problem. But I never wanted a "cougar". I was attracted to seducing women who claimed they'd never date a younger man. Nah, that's not it. I've never dated a younger man before. I get what you're saying FF. It's just that I know so many women, from 20's to 50's that are just plain insecure. Weight, hair, skin, boobs.....it never ends. Always worried about their men not finding them attractive, that their heads are turned by hotter/prettier women. I know as many women who are just plain comfortable in their skin and who build their relationships on compatibility, common values and interests. Some are beautiful and some not. They are just confident, that's all. OP, I would say that like any other relationship, take it slow, let it unfold and that time will tell. No pun
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I've been in a relationship with a woman 11 years older than me (I'm 27 and she's 38) for about a month and a half now. At first the age difference didn't bother me at all, as I figured this would just be something casual. However, I quickly realized that I was interested in her being more than just a casual fling. We clicked instantly and honestly, I've never felt this kind of connection with someone before. She's told me she feels the same way and wants this to be something more. So as of now we're just seeing where things and enjoying each other's company. At the moment the age difference isn't a problem. I usually forget she's so much older because we get a long so well and she looks younger than she is. However, I can't help but think that if we stay together it may eventually cause some problems. I know with these kind of relationships children are usually the biggest problem. However, neither of us have kids but both of us want them some day. Obviously her biological clock might be a bit of a problem, but there are a number of ways to have kids these days so I don't think this is going to be a problem. Is there anything else that could cause trouble down the road? I'm also curious what people's thoughts are on the younger man/older woman relationship. I'd also love to hear from other people who are in a similar relationship and if you have any advice. Thanks for reading! Sure, you hear about older women having kids, but the biological reality is that if you two stay together, you're going to need to get on having kids, and soon - and it will likely take help. It's very rare for women to conceive after age 40 without assistance, and it's not cakewalk even after 35... It may create pressure that you're not ready for to accelerate the relationship. That's something to think about. Otherwise, I don't think the age difference is a huge thing.
PogoStick Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I agree about the kids issue. Either you accept adoption or plan to start making babies ASAP. Would she be happy with adoption? If not, you need to make your mind up fast about her because she doesn't have any time left being strung along by a half-committed man.
Author Islander19 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Sure, you hear about older women having kids, but the biological reality is that if you two stay together, you're going to need to get on having kids, and soon - and it will likely take help. It's very rare for women to conceive after age 40 without assistance, and it's not cakewalk even after 35... It may create pressure that you're not ready for to accelerate the relationship. That's something to think about. Otherwise, I don't think the age difference is a huge thing. Thanks for the advice usernametaken. She doesn't seem to be in any rush to have kids, although we've only touched on the subject briefly (it's pretty early to be talking about kids). Obviously her biological clock is ticking though. I'm aware of the difficulties of women having kids after the age of 35. We're obviously a long way off from this discussion at this point, but if we do get to a point where we want to start a family together I would probably suggest adoption, which I would be perfectly fine with. But anyways, as I said, that's a long ways off. I've talked to a few people about it and everyone has told me to just go for it. I mean, we're both really happy right now and enjoying each other's company. I know it's early but I've never built a connection this strong with someone so fast, so I should probably just stop letting the age thing bother me.
Author Islander19 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 I agree about the kids issue. Either you accept adoption or plan to start making babies ASAP. Would she be happy with adoption? If not, you need to make your mind up fast about her because she doesn't have any time left being strung along by a half-committed man. Yeah, as I said I would be fine with adoption. As for her, she's told me that she would like kids one day but I'm not sure if she would be willing to adopt or not. If she does want to have kids biologically though you're right, it's pretty much now or never. It just seems really early to have this sort of talk after a month and a half and I wouldn't want to scare her off by having a serious talk about kids so early in the relationship.
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Yeah, as I said I would be fine with adoption. As for her, she's told me that she would like kids one day but I'm not sure if she would be willing to adopt or not. If she does want to have kids biologically though you're right, it's pretty much now or never. It just seems really early to have this sort of talk after a month and a half and I wouldn't want to scare her off by having a serious talk about kids so early in the relationship. You might just want to get a sense of what her timetable is - let her know that if the relationship progresses well, it'll still be a few years before kids are an option for you, best case scenario. That way, she can make an informed decision. You can couch this casually - as in "listen, I know this is putting the cart before the horse, but I care about you and want to be sure we are on the same page about this, because I know biology is a real thing, etc." It shouldn't freak her out. It's certainly on her mind... It's on every 38 year old single woman's mind who wants kids. Biology is a cruel mistress. 1
Author Islander19 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 You might just want to get a sense of what her timetable is - let her know that if the relationship progresses well, it'll still be a few years before kids are an option for you, best case scenario. That way, she can make an informed decision. You can couch this casually - as in "listen, I know this is putting the cart before the horse, but I care about you and want to be sure we are on the same page about this, because I know biology is a real thing, etc." It shouldn't freak her out. It's certainly on her mind... It's on every 38 year old single woman's mind who wants kids. Biology is a cruel mistress. Thanks for the advice. Yeah, it might be a good thing to bring up just to see where she's at with it. I definitely want to have kids some day, but I'd like to wait a little while longer. If our relationship were continue to go really well and we were still together in couple years I would definitely be open to it, but that might be too long for her.
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Thanks for the advice. Yeah, it might be a good thing to bring up just to see where she's at with it. I definitely want to have kids some day, but I'd like to wait a little while longer. If our relationship were continue to go really well and we were still together in couple years I would definitely be open to it, but that might be too long for her. Good. You sound like a decent, caring guy. I hope it works out for the two of you!
wb1988 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) Women in general stay healthy and active longer than men. You say that but I've seen so many couples where despite the man being older the guy is in great shape and the woman is just old. Best example would actually be my own parents, mom is 17 years younger but my dad's the one that takes care of everything even all the heavy lifting. The most recent statistics show that in most countries the lifespan of women is only 1-3 years longer than men, and bear in mind men are more likely to die 'all of a sudden' whereas women it's more of a downward spiral. But OP I don't think the age gap is a huge deal, I'm assume she's a hottie . I'm 26 and there are many women that are 10+ years older than me that I consider hot as ****. Edited August 13, 2015 by wb1988
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 You say that but I've seen so many couples where despite the man being older the guy is in great shape and the woman is just old. Best example would actually be my own parents, mom is 17 years younger but my dad's the one that takes care of everything even all the heavy lifting. The most recent statistics show that in most countries the lifespan of women is only 1-3 years longer than men, and bear in mind men are more likely to die 'all of a sudden' whereas women it's more of a downward spiral. You say that, but the vast majority of couples I know (successful professionals in their 30s-50s) the woman has taken great pains to stay in shape while the man has let himself go. I think at 38, if she's still holding up, there's little risk of her letting herself go now. It's more a risk when people get together in their 20s, IMHO. Jeez. Just tying that all out sounded so icky and reinforced how image-conscious our society is for women. But, it is. So be it.
wb1988 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Jeez. Just tying that all out sounded so icky and reinforced how image-conscious our society is for women. But, it is. So be it. Have you noticed all the ads and expectations for us guys to have abs, and pecs that are almost as big as your boobs. Actually these days it's almost expected for all guys my age to look almost like Mens fitness models. At least for girls you just have to do those light cardio workouts rather than basically lifting cars up and down.
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Have you noticed all the ads and expectations for us guys to have abs. Actually these days it's almost expected for all guys my age to look almost like Mens fitness models. At least for girls you just have to do those light cardio workouts rather than basically lifting cars up and down. One word: dadbod. You've never heard of mombod becoming a thing, and it never will be because the expectations for women are different. (and this from a guy who thinks gender discrimination is dead...)
No_Go Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 My first bf was 18 years older, and honestly, after the high of the first 3-4 months, the age difference start feeling strongly: e.g. the different stages of life of his and my friends (he was 45, I was 27, his siblings had GRANDkids, and my friends were mostly in school). He was also super sensitive that I'll leave him for a younger man, he was insanely jealous because of this insecurity... Now, your difference of 11 years is more tolerable, so these may not be issue for two of you. But is still something to keep in mind if you stay for the long term (btw I'll say go for it if it is just for the casual, I think in a relationship with a big age difference the young one always learns a lot, not even talking sexual but life experiences). Another thing: you are still 27, so your attitude towards kids may evolve (for me personally at 27 kids were not remotely interesting, now at almost 31 I feel my instincts are kicking in). If she wants her biological kids she IS in a rush and will pressure you, it is an instinct. If you are not ready for it and she is this will be a major issue, so you need to discuss it carefully. Of course if you are both cool with adoption that's not a topic, but make sure you BOTH are . And last but not least, are you ok with the peer-pressure? There may be comments about it if you stay with this woman. Yes it is superficial and stupid, but only you know how you (and her) may feel about it. If the above points are not concerns for both of you - best of luck, and enjoy the budding relationship P.S. Two of my best friends have 28(!) years of age difference (she is the older one), and are happy together for over 20 years now... So sometimes age is just a number Thanks for the advice usernametaken. She doesn't seem to be in any rush to have kids, although we've only touched on the subject briefly (it's pretty early to be talking about kids). Obviously her biological clock is ticking though. I'm aware of the difficulties of women having kids after the age of 35. We're obviously a long way off from this discussion at this point, but if we do get to a point where we want to start a family together I would probably suggest adoption, which I would be perfectly fine with. But anyways, as I said, that's a long ways off. I've talked to a few people about it and everyone has told me to just go for it. I mean, we're both really happy right now and enjoying each other's company. I know it's early but I've never built a connection this strong with someone so fast, so I should probably just stop letting the age thing bother me.
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