PeanutButter88 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Dear all, I recently got dumped by my boyfriend of 4 months. Just to add, we were in a long distance relationship and were seeing each other every 2 weeks more or less (except this time where it had been 3 weeks). All this happened during our vacation we had planned together. We just sat at a bar one night and out of the blue my now ex-bf just started 'orienting' the conversation to the point where I would ask him "did you cheat on me?". To which he replied yes. He told me he had hooked up with a girl the week before. The why? He doesn't know. Something he's been doing since one of his exes broke up with him (one of those super long relationship where she dumped him for apparently no reason, his words) and because the opportunity just happened (and also he had been trying to get his friend to hook up for the last week without success and they were always talking about it so it made him want to hook up). I asked him if he was going to redo it: his answer, maybe. At that point for me it was clear that it was over. But I just can't understand how he can say this and say "maybe i'll redo it"... I asked him why he was still with me, why he decided to go on vacation with me... He told me it was not a black or white situation, that he liked me but he thought of breaking up but wasn't sure yet. That he had been thinking about it the last weeks (read last 2 weeks). However (and I've carefully thought about all of it), there were never any signs of him losing interest. Worst, he was keeping me updated on what he was doing everyday, sending me pictures, during our vacation he was his usual self even more telling me "oh next time you come to my place i'll show you this, that, etc.". Taking pictures of us during our vacation, asking me to come and be in the pictures with him. Why would you want the girl you're thinking of dumping in your vacation pictures? In the end, I know I did nothing wrong, I was faithful, I always gave him his space and told him that I trusted him. But what I don't understand, is the paradox of his words (e.g. I cheated on you, will maybe re do it, was thinking of breaking up but I care for you) and his actions during our vacation week (e.g. actions that clearly proved that at least at the time he was doing that he had plans for us). Had he lost interest, cheated and then dumped I would have accepted this with more ease because it makes sense. But here it's just so contradictory that I don't understand. I'm not trying to find an excuse for his behavior. I'm just trying to understand if there is a reasoning behind this that I am missing. Because this lack of reason is clearly not making me understand how we got there... Any input would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for such a big novel... Cheers all!
Satu Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 People do what they do because of who they are; and because the way they are put together. None of this is your fault. Don't spend your looking for something that makes it your fault. That's a red herring. As for *why,* He probably doesn't even know why he did it himself. He did it because of who he is. Cry your tears and lick your wounds. You'll be ok. Take care.
Author PeanutButter88 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Dear Satu, Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I'm not looking for something that makes it my fault. Or at least I don't think I am. I'm just trying to understand how something like this can happen... He has always been extremely caring when with me and even when away by keeping me updated on what he was doing. So how can someone do this and at the same time tell you horrible things like: I cheated and maybe will do it again.... I don't understand... Even the next day he was trying to take care of me make sure I was all right. For me, once you dump someone (especially after what he said) you don't go around checking if the person's ok. Why go through all this trouble? I could think sadism but that's not his type... Breakups are complicated things... I'm quite rational so I could understand if he gave me concrete reasons: I wanted to break up with you for x, y and z reason in the meantime that bimbo came and we hooked up. But here it's all: I care for you I wasn't sure etc. How can you do that.... Anyways, thank you again for your input. No tears have been shed because I don't think he deserves a single tear from me. But the wound is being licked. People do what they do because of who they are; and because the way they are put together. None of this is your fault. Don't spend your looking for something that makes it your fault. That's a red herring. As for *why,* He probably doesn't even know why he did it himself. He did it because of who he is. Cry your tears and lick your wounds. You'll be ok. Take care.
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