That gut feeling

[fight_or_flight]

Firstly, thanks to all the members for the advice and support provided in the community. I have always been a lurker, but it has always been a great help.

 

Now to my story. I'm a 27 year old male with a stable career looking for someone to settle down with. I have been dating for 2 months a 26 year old girl who recently lost her job. We met on a dating website, and after slowly getting to know each other over a month (she specifically wanted to move slow initially), we fell hard for each other. We both agreed we are a great fit for each other and decided we wanted to be in each other's future. 2 months isn't a long time by any means, but we discussed everything we want in a relationship, both present and future, and nothing seemed to come between us.

 

The attraction and seeming compatibility really sparked us, and we began spending a lot of time together (most weekends and some weekdays). We had the exclusivity talk, and "officially" started a relationship. We also started sleeping together a few weeks ago. We both aren't the type of people to sleep with someone so quickly in a relationship (as we both claimed, that is). And I love yous were exchanged.

 

3 days ago, she left to visit her hometown a few hours away to visit some friends (partially my idea), and she seems to have changed. Her texts are a lot more infrequent and good night calls, that used to be a few hours have turned into minutes. I lightly asked her if everything is OK considering the change in her tone. She mentioned meeting with some friends that really made her think a lot about her career, but otherwise things are fine. She is a very career driven person, and as mentioned earlier, has been without a job for a couple of months, which has been very frustrating.

 

I dont have any particular reason not to believe her. Except, of course, my gut feelings. She mentioned a couple of times that she's scared we are moving so fast (though she's very happy), and this has been giving me a nagging feeling that maybe she's pulling away or the spark has been burnt out.

 

So my question is really twofold. I have usually trusted my gut feelings when it comes to relationships as more often than not, it was right. But am I overreacting completely here? Secondly, I understand it may be best to just ignore these feelings, but how do you really accomplish this? Any input, good or bad, is appreciated.

Edited August 13, 2015 by fight_or_flight

[Oregon_Dude]

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Met a girl online, we slept together after about a month of talking, I love you's were exchanged. She recently moved to my town, with my help, but was acting distant. She broke up with me in a vague, indirect, dishonest way over a week ago.

 

Always, always pay attention to your gut feeling. It's correct. When the texts get less frequent colder, when they're acting weird but deny it.. they are reconsidering things to some degree. She's been talking with her friends, with whom she has likely been discussion YOU and her relationship with you. They may or not be advising her.

 

Of course, maybe she's just being weird or having an off day or two for no reason. But the fact that you just joined here and were concerned enough to post this, makes me think you see a potential problem.

 

In my experience, women will often say things are OK, even when they know they aren't. They aren't quite sure how they feel at the moment, and don't want to hurt your feelings. As guys, we KNOW when they're being different, since we know their "lovey" behavior so well. For your sake, I hope she's just having an off day.. but there is validity in your concern.

 

My relationship also progressed quickly, as it sounds like yours did. It crashed and burned. I never knew the real her. She knew when I was helping her move that she was going to break up with me. Which she did, after she had used me to move all her stuff into her new apartment.

 

Anyway, good luck. Don't freak out yet, but heed that gut feeling. It's almost always correct.

[SammySammy]

Always pay attention to your gut. Always pay attention to changes in behavior - even when the change is subtle and they verbally tell you everything is okay. Actions speak louder than words.

 

That doesn't mean you have to react in an extreme or irrational manner. You can be respectful of the relationship and give her the benefit of the doubt while honoring your internal alarm.

[fight_or_flight]

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Met a girl online, we slept together after about a month of talking, I love you's were exchanged. She recently moved to my town, with my help, but was acting distant. She broke up with me in a vague, indirect, dishonest way over a week ago.

 

Always, always pay attention to your gut feeling. It's correct. When the texts get less frequent colder, when they're acting weird but deny it.. they are reconsidering things to some degree. She's been talking with her friends, with whom she has likely been discussion YOU and her relationship with you. They may or not be advising her.

 

Of course, maybe she's just being weird or having an off day or two for no reason. But the fact that you just joined here and were concerned enough to post this, makes me think you see a potential problem.

 

In my experience, women will often say things are OK, even when they know they aren't. They aren't quite sure how they feel at the moment, and don't want to hurt your feelings. As guys, we KNOW when they're being different, since we know their "lovey" behavior so well. For your sake, I hope she's just having an off day.. but there is validity in your concern.

 

My relationship also progressed quickly, as it sounds like yours did. It crashed and burned. I never knew the real her. She knew when I was helping her move that she was going to break up with me. Which she did, after she had used me to move all her stuff into her new apartment.

 

Anyway, good luck. Don't freak out yet, but heed that gut feeling. It's almost always correct.

 

Thanks for the input. It's oddly assuring to know I might be right, although I'm really hoping I'm wrong.

 

It's amazing how much of a roller coaster of feelings can be involved even though I consider myself a pretty stable/calm person.

[fight_or_flight]

I entirely agree with you on that and thank for reminding me. I always thought giving the other person of the benefit of the doubt when something like this happens is important. Except of course, when you're really in the middle of it, it's so easy to forget that.

 

Always pay attention to your gut. Always pay attention to changes in behavior - even when the change is subtle and they verbally tell you everything is okay. Actions speak louder than words.

 

That doesn't mean you have to react in an extreme or irrational manner. You can be respectful of the relationship and give her the benefit of the doubt while honoring your internal alarm.

[GemmaUK]

She is away with family and spending time with them and her friends, give her some space, give her a chance to miss you.

Since you have been dating she has had more free time, right now she doesn't have much.

If she is going cold on you then there's nothing you can do about that, maybe she already feels a bit smothered going by her 'going to fast' comment?

It's possible she has been focusing too much on the RS instead of finding a new job - if she has then she needs to shift gears and focus on her work situation.

 

Should this last you'll need to prepare for when she gets a new job and has less time for you.

[fight_or_flight]

Thanks and you may very well be right. And I hope that you're right, but I was caught a little off guard by how quickly things changed. But despite my gut feelings, part of me and may be most rationally, think it's just temporary.

 

She is away with family and spending time with them and her friends, give her some space, give her a chance to miss you.

Since you have been dating she has had more free time, right now she doesn't have much.

If she is going cold on you then there's nothing you can do about that, maybe she already feels a bit smothered going by her 'going to fast' comment?

It's possible she has been focusing too much on the RS instead of finding a new job - if she has then she needs to shift gears and focus on her work situation.

 

Should this last you'll need to prepare for when she gets a new job and has less time for you.

[Qboro90]

If she's still away at her hometown then I think you're overanalyzing it a bit. Think of it as if you were on vacation. You might call just to check in here and there to make sure everything's ok and to check how your day was but for the most part it's a few days where you get to take off from the normal routine. The hour long phone calls changed into minutes isn't a big deal in my mind. She's with her friends and family. You encouraged this trip apparently so don't get all clingy and worrisome now that she's on it. Let her do her thing and enjoy her time there without hounding her about "is everything ok? Are you sure? You're saying you're fine but are you really fine?". That'll just annoy her.

 

Either way there's nothing you can do or say while she's still there so might as well let her be until she comes back and you're with her. Then you can tell by her body language and behavior if your gut was right or if it was just the separation anxiety that got to you.

[Oregon_Dude]

It's a huge bummer, this situation, especially when things seem to be going so well. Unfortunately, people change, or get scared. At that point, all you can do it back off. Though I wish you nothing but the best and for your relationship to succeed, it's oddly reassuring to see a story so similar to mine. My gut was off the f*cking charts, telling me things, man. I tried to ignore it but the end result was what I knew it would be.

 

I tried to save my relationship as best I could by giving her space. She came to a concert I played and acted totally weird and uninterested. I got the "I'm not really sure if I want to be in a relationship right now" text a couple days later. I didn't respond, blocked her on FB, and won't ever respond to anything she sends.

 

Love is war sometimes, and you have to protect your heart.

 

Wishing you all the luck, man. You sound like a great guy. Unfortunately, women and how they feel are out of our control, assuming we treat them well.

 

Again: I may be wrong, or just projecting, because I saw so much of my story in yours. It could be a number of things, but that gut doesn't lie often.

Edited August 13, 2015 by Oregon_Dude

[fight_or_flight]

I guess it's separation anxiety combined with a sudden change in the tone is what's really getting to me. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll be able to control myself with her on this, but I just wanted to hear outsider's opinion. Things have been going so well and I want it to continue.

 

If she's still away at her hometown then I think you're overanalyzing it a bit. Think of it as if you were on vacation. You might call just to check in here and there to make sure everything's ok and to check how your day was but for the most part it's a few days where you get to take off from the normal routine. The hour long phone calls changed into minutes isn't a big deal in my mind. She's with her friends and family. You encouraged this trip apparently so don't get all clingy and worrisome now that she's on it. Let her do her thing and enjoy her time there without hounding her about "is everything ok? Are you sure? You're saying you're fine but are you really fine?". That'll just annoy her.

 

Either way there's nothing you can do or say while she's still there so might as well let her be until she comes back and you're with her. Then you can tell by her body language and behavior if your gut was right or if it was just the separation anxiety that got to you.

[fight_or_flight]

I have always found in my experience that the gut feelings deserve attention. In this case though, I'm hoping both of us are wrong for our sakes!

 

It's a huge bummer, this situation, especially when things seem to be going so well. Unfortunately, people change, or get scared. At that point, all you can do it back off. Though I wish you nothing but the best and for your relationship to succeed, it's oddly reassuring to see a story so similar to mine. My gut was off the f*cking charts, telling me things, man. I tried to ignore it but the end result was what I knew it would be.

 

I tried to save my relationship as best I could by giving her space. She came to a concert I played and acted totally weird and uninterested. I got the "I'm not really sure if I want to be in a relationship right now" text a couple days later. I didn't respond, blocked her on FB, and won't ever respond to anything she sends.

 

Love is war sometimes, and you have to protect your heart.

 

Wishing you all the luck, man. You sound like a great guy. Unfortunately, women and how they feel are out of our control, assuming we treat them well.

 

Again: I may be wrong, or just projecting, because I saw so much of my story in yours. It could be a number of things, but that gut doesn't lie often.

[Oregon_Dude]

Pay attention to if she still calls you "babe" or honey or whatever, or does she call you by your name now? Does she say "I love you" or just "love you"? I know, it sounds crazy, but these things mean a lot and are signs of someone detaching, slowly.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm hoping both of us are wrong for our sakes!

My ship has already sailed, bro. I got DUMPED. Thanks for the thought, though. I'll stop posting so much in your thread!

[fight_or_flight]

Wow never thought about things in that much detail, and to be frank, I'm not sure I wanna pay that much attention to little things, but thanks for the heads up.

 

Thanks for all your input. It really helped.

 

 

Pay attention to if she still calls you "babe" or honey or whatever, or does she call you by your name now? Does she say "I love you" or just "love you"? I know, it sounds crazy, but these things mean a lot and are signs of someone detaching, slowly.

 

My ship has already sailed, bro. I got DUMPED. Thanks for the thought, though. I'll stop posting so much in your thread!