Jejangles Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I'm slowly getting to know a great guy with a lot of qualities I'm looking for. But there's one thing that is really getting in my head and making me doubt any serious potential for us, and that is his overuse of what I call "filler words" ("you know", "whatever", "like" etc.) I know I sometimes use filler words, as do most people. But the amount he uses them really is excessive - I don't even think I could count how often, it feels like it's every fifth word or so. He uses them so frequently that I have to really focus to actually follow what he is talking about. So what should I do? End it because this is who he is and it won't change? Keep dating and hope I stop noticing it? Keep dating and eventually say something about it? Other option I haven't considered? It feels ridiculous to end something that could be good over this, but on the other hand, we have been dating for over a month now and I'm finding his speech patterns more and more distracting.
LoveRefreshed Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Like, you've been getting to slowly notice it? Did you start dating him cold, or you know, did you know him before? How did you not notice the annoyance before hand is what I am getting at? If it's been only a month and you are already annoyed with it, I would just break up with him, but I probably wouldn't rip on him for that. You know it could be that he is nervous around you too. Whatever the case may be, we all have deal breakers. I'd never date a girl who kept saying 'Like, Like, Like'... I'd shove a stake through my ear if I had to do that, but whatever. 2
Grumpybutfun Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 One month...he may be nervous. Give it a few more weeks if you really like him. If it doesn't change, like, totally dump him. G 3
JC4 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) He's probably not conscious of it. I guess one option is you could playfully joke about it. Maybe if he becomes aware of it and becomes a little more self-conscious it'll start to ease up a bit. That way you make him aware of it but still leave it up to him if he wants to change his speech patterns and you don't end up being critical or forceful or blatantly calling him out. I.e. you can't force somebody to change, but you can certainly enable them to change. Then just cross your fingers and see where it goes. But if that doesn't suit you another option could be to just straight up say "if you say 'like' one more time I'm breaking up with you", in whatever tone you feel is right for the moment. I mean, it's the truth. I've had girls tell me things like that ("I swear to god if you keep drumming on the table every time we go out, I'm going to kill you" [figuratively, I hope]), then I stop, and it's usually just funny. Edited August 13, 2015 by JC4 1
Qboro90 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Do you mind telling us how old the two of you are? I think that it is completely within reason for you to bring this up to him. In a kind way of course. Conservative criticism is something that couples should be able to offer one another. Speaking from experience a gf of mine when I was 22/23 and having just graduated college brought up to me that she was noticing and getting a bit aggravated at how I tended to interrupt her if I asked her something and she was giving me an answer or replying. Sometimes I would just speak if I thought I knew what she was going to say and I thought it showed that I was on the same page as her but in fact I wasn't and when I was interrupting she would have to tell me "no that's not what I was going to say, if you let me finish.....". This was all expressed to me in a calm and non aggressive manner so it showed that she wasn't saying it to be mean, just because she wanted the consideration shown to her that she gave to me. I made the change and she acknowledged that I was doing better at letting her finish after a few weeks. Another example is a friend of mine tended to curse a lot when he was talking to people he felt were friends or was close to. Then it started to slip more and more in front of his gf's family and parents to where she found it rude. Now, like your guy my friend was a great person and incredibly smart and educated however based off the household he grew up in and the neighborhood he was from, cursing was just the norm and not considered to be foul or immature. I actually spoke to him and told him that he should consciously try to remove those words from his speech when he was around his gf and her family. Also because he was interviewing for jobs at the time we discussed how cursing or inappropriate vocabulary, while acceptable amongst your buddies, is not something that should be done in professional settings. Whether he agrees with it or not it gives off the impression that he is uneducated and brash and an employer will most likely move onto the next more polished candidate. Try talking to your guy about his vocabulary. If you have a more humorous relationship then maybe tell him that you've started to feel like you're dating a "valley girl" with all the "likes" and "um yea so's" he uses constantly. 2
ZA Dater Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Poor vocabulary is a total turn off for me, unless she has 99% of what I am looking for but even then I would need to think about it clearly. I like to think probably the most important skill we as humans have, is the ability to talk and often one is judged by how one talks. 1
kenmore Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 You could do what my wife would have done and tell him you hate it and if he doesn't clean up his act and NOW, it's over! That used to actually work on me concerning insignificant stuff. That said, there were some annoying traits I worked out of her in my own way which was more subtle (and she didn't even know it.) The point being is you're right that if he's great in other ways, it's a stupid thing to break up over. Tell him you feel annoyed by it. He's an adult (I hope) and should know it's not the way adults talk. He grew into that because it was considered "cool" where he was raised (guessing Los Angeles) and it's something he will eventually grow out of anyway. I can't think of the last person over 30 who overused those words. If he knows it's not flying, he will work on it. I agree with JC4, he has spoken this way for so long, he just does it and isn't even aware of it normally. He needs a good woman to make him self conscious of it! I say that half jokingly. Really, he needs a reason to be aware of it and stop. It was learned by peers and it can be forgotten by peers (that's you...by the way,...you're his peer...) Best of luck! Ken 1
SammySammy Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I don't think it should be a dealbreaker. Before I joined Toastmasters, I didn't realize I was using filler words. I definitely didn't know they were a problem. Once I became aware, it was an easy problem to fix. 1
casey.lives Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 That is your problem??? Are you kidding me. Are the kind of person who looks for any reason to run? Because ..that is lame! If they're a lovely person and they make you happy .. some people get juvenile like when they are in love... maybe it's part of her love 1
JC4 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 That is your problem??? Are you kidding me. Are the kind of person who looks for any reason to run? Because ..that is lame! If they're a lovely person and they make you happy .. some people get juvenile like when they are in love... maybe it's part of her love Or maybe the OP just has different criteria than you, which should be respected even when not understood.
Toodaloo Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Funny you should bring this up. On Tuesday night I did an impression of someone I know and the way they talk to someone else. I did it in front of them. They were the only one who didn't know it was them. Everyone else knew exactly first time round and laughed because it was so accurate. He probably hasn't noticed. 2
Methodical Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Everyone has preferences and what one person considers a major pet peeve is minor in the eyes of another. His habitual use of filler words may be an indication that you aren't intellectually compatible... 2
Author Jejangles Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Like, you've been getting to slowly notice it? Did you start dating him cold, or you know, did you know him before? How did you not notice the annoyance before hand is what I am getting at? If it's been only a month and you are already annoyed with it, I would just break up with him, but I probably wouldn't rip on him for that. You know it could be that he is nervous around you too. Whatever the case may be, we all have deal breakers. I'd never date a girl who kept saying 'Like, Like, Like'... I'd shove a stake through my ear if I had to do that, but whatever. We met online. I noticed right away that there was something I didn't like about how he spoke, but it took a few dates for me to put my finger on what it was. I also thought it may come down to nerves and that as he got to know me he would feel more comfortable. We've kept dating because I thought either he'd reduce / stop it or I'd get used to it, but neither has happened so far. Now we're at the point where it wouldn't be fair to him to continue if this isn't something I can get used to. I think he uses those words it to fill the space when he's thinking of what to say next. We're both mid to late thirties so I'm thinking this way of speaking is pretty entrenched. And yes, I'm serious, this is likely a dealbreaker for me! I grew up with parents who placed a lot of importance on grammar and speech patterns, so I am hyper aware of it. I just don't find it pleasant to listen to. 2
Penguin_hugs Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I think that would be an issue with me if it was constant. I have a friend who does this too. She'll say things along the lines of "And I'm just like...", "It's just so..." but never fills in the ... just leaves the sentence open. I get the giggles if I actually start listening properly when she's talking like that. But I feel like it would be rude if I interrupted with "Well what are you like? Finish the sentence"! 2
Diezel Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I wonder if the OP texts like "k gud gurl, c u there lol"?
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 That is irritating. But, speech patterns can be changed (see, e.g., Madonna in London ), and since it's not helping him professionally either, you should teach him how to communicate more efficiently. Fewer words, mostly. Silence isn't the enemy. Toastmasters may be a good idea. Perhaps you could join a class and invite him along? 1
RoseVille Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I think that would be an issue with me if it was constant. I have a friend who does this too. She'll say things along the lines of "And I'm just like...", "It's just so..." but never fills in the ... just leaves the sentence open. I get the giggles if I actually start listening properly when she's talking like that. But I feel like it would be rude if I interrupted with "Well what are you like? Finish the sentence"! I knew a girl like that in college! She drove me CRAZY! Last time I saw her, around 35, she was still doing it! 1
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 That's better than him "cursing like a sailor", like half the chicks I've been meeting. God, what a turnoff!
Author Jejangles Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 I know I'm not perfect - I sometimes overuse "um" when I'm presenting in front of clients, which I'm working on. I also catch myself using the dreaded "like" but I try to be hyper aware of that! I wasn't aware of my um usage until someone pointed it out, so I know I could be doing him a favour if I mentioned it. But then part of me thinks it's too early to be mentioning things like that - who am I to come in his life and tell him how to change the way he talks? I think I would need to decide for now that it's not a dealbreaker and then maybe address it down the road if we were to continue dating long term. 1
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I know I'm not perfect - I sometimes overuse "um" when I'm presenting in front of clients, which I'm working on. I also catch myself using the dreaded "like" but I try to be hyper aware of that! I wasn't aware of my um usage until someone pointed it out, so I know I could be doing him a favour if I mentioned it. But then part of me thinks it's too early to be mentioning things like that - who am I to come in his life and tell him how to change the way he talks? I think I would need to decide for now that it's not a dealbreaker and then maybe address it down the road if we were to continue dating long term. It is too early to bring it up. He's probably just nervous still. 1
kenmore Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I know I'm not perfect - I sometimes overuse "um" when I'm presenting in front of clients, which I'm working on. I also catch myself using the dreaded "like" but I try to be hyper aware of that! I wasn't aware of my um usage until someone pointed it out, so I know I could be doing him a favour if I mentioned it. But then part of me thinks it's too early to be mentioning things like that - who am I to come in his life and tell him how to change the way he talks? I think I would need to decide for now that it's not a dealbreaker and then maybe address it down the road if we were to continue dating long term. Since you weren't aware of your "um" use until someone pointed it out so you know how it can be and since you seem to like this guy otherwise, I'd think it would at least make more sense to talk about it than just break up. I don't recommend ignoring it because not only will it grate on you but you will feel embarrassed around your friends or colleagues if he does that in a social setting (and of course he will.) That will slowly take its toll. Just figure out some way of approaching the subject carefully (at first anyway), tell him basically what you told us: You really like him but this bothers you. Hey, if you're ready to break up anyway, what do you have to lose? Upper hand? Ken 1
JC4 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) ... who am I to come in his life and tell him how to change the way he talks? If you ever want to make yourself feel better about criticizing a date, just read this. Just don't tell him to make index cards of his problems and you'll probably be OK. Also, you should take a moment to giggle at how Seinfeld-esque your situation is. Edited August 13, 2015 by JC4 1
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