Slipping back into depression...

[JewelD]

I've been depressed before, when I was a teenager due to bullying. For awhile, I was in therapy and on medication, but I went away to college and things got better. I stopped taking the medication and I realized I no longer needed it.

 

Now, this past year I've been trying to stop myself from sliding back down that slippery slope. I started graduate school, moved 2hrs from home and ended a 3yr relationship (badly). I've made a few friends at school and had visits from my mother, but I spent the majority of the summer alone with my dog. I was bored. Lonely. but over my ex.

 

I tried online dating bc I live in the middle of nowhere. I was interested in one girl but she blew me off after a few days and even though I don't know anything about her, the rejection hurts. To the point where I hate putting myself out there bc i can't handle it on an emotional level.

 

My mother is visiting again this weekend, school starts in about a week. I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding this fall. and I honestly don't want to get out bed most of the time. Idk how to train myself to not care so much and to cope with these feelings of loneliness and sadness.

 

right now, it's like NOTHING makes me happy. I was all excited about shopping for clothes and my apartment, but now I just don't care. I think I will feel the same even after doing things I love. Fatty foods help, but I don't want to eat my feelings.

 

and my dog suffers. He's so sweet and I love him, but he's incredibly needy (even for a dog), and most of the time I'm not in the mood to play. I take him for walks, but they are short bc I hate being outside now. idk what to do...

[La.Primavera]

It might be wise to go back to your doctor and talk about your options. If medication has helped in the past then don't put it off another moment, ask for help. You don't need to suffer in silence.

 

As for dating, there is nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that you just aren't feeling strong enough to deal with that right now. Take care of yourself and find a way to manage your depression first. When you are ready, you'll know. Perhaps as an alternative to looking for a relationship you could look at making friends instead to help you feel less lonely and isolated.

 

I know it is tough but you will get through this, don't give up.

[kenmore]

I can relate. While I have never been a strong proponent of antidepressant drugs, sometimes they are necessary. Obviously we can't know, that's for yourself and a Dr to decide, but I have always felt true healing comes from within.

 

You have been through some difficult things lately. Breaking up with your ex, though you make light of it, most likely hurts the most. If you are going to put yourself out there in the dating world though, you will need a thick enough skin that if an online girl rejects you from afar, you can let it go! Believe me, I can relate to that too and that's one of the big reasons I stopped looking for now. I know I just don't need more rejection at this point in my life even if it's insignificant and if they don't even know they are doing it.

 

I am no stranger to rejection lately. First all the jobs I applied to, then my wife, then more jobs applied to, then I started selling insurance... Not only rejected by customers right and left, but my own company turned their backs on me, the dickheads!

 

But we'll be okay! You have a new semester starting in school and you're probably young so have so much to look forward to. Hey, you're in graduate school, congratulations! That's something to be proud of! So many of these feelings come over us because we want more than we have. Because we want love, a family, a house with a dog and a Ferrari (okay, that's me) but the real key is in acceptance of ourselves and our lives. I know, easy to say. We all have things in our lives we don't like. I'm not as neat or as organized as I'd like. If a stranger were to look at my life in detail they would say WTF? My success in the work world has been dismal but the world is still beautiful nonetheless.

 

Okay, pep talk over. The reality is life can suck but we all suffer and have our ups and downs. You and I are on a down and I'm hoping for an up soon, maybe several! I hope you get some too! Hugs!

 

Ken

[JewelD]

I can relate. While I have never been a strong proponent of antidepressant drugs, sometimes they are necessary. Obviously we can't know, that's for yourself and a Dr to decide, but I have always felt true healing comes from within.

 

You have been through some difficult things lately. Breaking up with your ex, though you make light of it, most likely hurts the most. If you are going to put yourself out there in the dating world though, you will need a thick enough skin that if an online girl rejects you from afar, you can let it go! Believe me, I can relate to that too and that's one of the big reasons I stopped looking for now. I know I just don't need more rejection at this point in my life even if it's insignificant and if they don't even know they are doing it.

 

I am no stranger to rejection lately. First all the jobs I applied to, then my wife, then more jobs applied to, then I started selling insurance... Not only rejected by customers right and left, but my own company turned their backs on me, the dickheads!

 

But we'll be okay! You have a new semester starting in school and you're probably young so have so much to look forward to. Hey, you're in graduate school, congratulations! That's something to be proud of! So many of these feelings come over us because we want more than we have. Because we want love, a family, a house with a dog and a Ferrari (okay, that's me) but the real key is in acceptance of ourselves and our lives. I know, easy to say. We all have things in our lives we don't like. I'm not as neat or as organized as I'd like. If a stranger were to look at my life in detail they would say WTF? My success in the work world has been dismal but the world is still beautiful nonetheless.

 

Okay, pep talk over. The reality is life can suck but we all suffer and have our ups and downs. You and I are on a down and I'm hoping for an up soon, maybe several! I hope you get some too! Hugs!

 

Ken

 

It's just so hard to feel like I'm not doing something wrong that's turning people off. My brain knows that this girl wasn't right for me from the jump because she was putting forth minimal effort to talk to me. I don't like people who don't text me for days at a time and then act like it never happened. But then the judgmental part of me thinks that had I not come on so strongly or just not said anything about her bad texting habits and acted 'normal' that maybe we would have met and we would have liked each other and had a relationship. (which I know is completely delusional bc there are a million and one other reasons it may not have worked out regardless of what I said).

 

I know I'm a great person with a lot of love to give, but it's hard not to feel like crap when people blow me off without really taking the time to find out who I really am. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I can be impatient and pushy at times.

 

Idk how to change it or fix it. I'm always like "if you had just not done X or not said Y, that person wouldn't have treated you that way". Sometimes I would think like that even when it was something entirely the other person's fault.

 

And that's when I get really down and just want to withdraw even more. If I don't put myself out there, for new relationships of any kind, then I won't invest any feelings into them and I won't be hurt if it doesn't work out.

 

I'm hoping time will put things into perspective. I have a least a little bit of faith. I thought I was gonna die when my ex first broke up with me, but now the thought of him just repulses me. The absence of love and intimacy is what hurts. I don't know if that's something I will get over not having...

[La.Primavera]

It sounds like you both need a hug! *Hugs*

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You will find the right person one day!

[lana-banana]

Time heals if you let it. If you are as distant as you can possibly be---no contact, no social media stalking, no clinging to friends for updates---then time will do the rest. You seem to be doing all the right things, which is great. You just have to wait it out.

 

You know the saying about treating other people the way you'd like to be treated? With depression we often don't treat ourselves the way we'd like to be treated. Think about how you would treat someone you love very much: wouldn't you be kind to her? Go apartment shopping with her? Suggest she get a massage when she's stressed? You need to prioritize your well-being, because you are the only person who can always take care of you.

 

In this stage it's useful to make goals, no matter how small, and celebrate them. If your anhedonia is too intense, you won't be able to enjoy many activities, so find something that will give you a sense of accomplishment if not enjoyment, like volunteering or even putting away a certain amount of money into savings. I ramped up my Olympic lifting during my worst depression if only because it provided proof that the voice inside my head was a liar. "I can't do anything", I'd say, and then I'd break a deadlifting record.

 

Please consider also cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a therapeutic framework that is demonstrably as or more effective than antidepressants. It takes a lot of work, but it sounds like you're doing well enough that you should give it a try. (If you're so severely depressed you can't work, exercise or eat, it will probably be too difficult.) There are CBT workbooks available online and you may be able to find a CBT specialist in your area.

 

You got this.

 

Signed,

 

Someone who was there for longer than she'd like to admit

[kenmore]

It's just so hard to feel like I'm not doing something wrong that's turning people off. My brain knows that this girl wasn't right for me from the jump because she was putting forth minimal effort to talk to me. I don't like people who don't text me for days at a time and then act like it never happened. But then the judgmental part of me thinks that had I not come on so strongly or just not said anything about her bad texting habits and acted 'normal' that maybe we would have met and we would have liked each other and had a relationship. (which I know is completely delusional bc there are a million and one other reasons it may not have worked out regardless of what I said).

 

I know I'm a great person with a lot of love to give, but it's hard not to feel like crap when people blow me off without really taking the time to find out who I really am. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I can be impatient and pushy at times.

 

Idk how to change it or fix it. I'm always like "if you had just not done X or not said Y, that person wouldn't have treated you that way". Sometimes I would think like that even when it was something entirely the other person's fault.

 

And that's when I get really down and just want to withdraw even more. If I don't put myself out there, for new relationships of any kind, then I won't invest any feelings into them and I won't be hurt if it doesn't work out.

 

I'm hoping time will put things into perspective. I have a least a little bit of faith. I thought I was gonna die when my ex first broke up with me, but now the thought of him just repulses me. The absence of love and intimacy is what hurts. I don't know if that's something I will get over not having...

 

Hey Jewel, I hear you about the texting thing. I have actually posted about four threads here over the last six months or so about that either directly or indirectly (sometimes I talk about communication in general or emails), it all comes out the same, it's a bit of a pet peeve. I'm realizing that comprises most people though, and of course nobody can expect anyone to be able to respond quickly all the time. That is one positive thing my ex and her daughter both share (as well as my daughter and myself), they get right back to me if they can. My ex will respond with total poison, but it's quickly delivered. Almost everyone else I talk to lags for hours...days...weeks? It's something you need to accept going in, unfortunately.

 

I agree with your assessment that if you got in her face about that, it was most likely a relationship killer. You really can't do that. People are real sensitive about that so even though text is considered to be an "instant" medium, we need to consider it as slow as email. I have been "dating" my gf (who is the closest woman to me at the moment but we both know in the long run it won't last because we both have plans which are mutually exclusive) for about five months now, and we have been texting longer than that. Still, if I text her something, I know it may be a day or two before she responds. She WILL respond, but it won't be for awhile. Sometimes if nothing is pressing, we go longer than a week between communications.

 

You should leave second guessing out of the dating process though. For the most part, if we find someone who really likes us and wants to move things forward, it will just build and move in a good direction. While you do need to take it easy regarding the texting and how long it takes someone to respond, don't second guess everything you do or say. Most of what you do and say comes from the gut which means it's the truth. If they don't care for it, then it's probably not meant to be.

 

You do seem like a genuinely nice person and someone who most people would like to get to know. Don't doubt yourself too much. I agree, don't be too pushy, nobody likes to be pushed, but everybody likes someone who is understanding and is into them. My best!! Hugs!

 

Ken

[JewelD]

Hey Jewel, I hear you about the texting thing. I have actually posted about four threads here over the last six months or so about that either directly or indirectly (sometimes I talk about communication in general or emails), it all comes out the same, it's a bit of a pet peeve. I'm realizing that comprises most people though, and of course nobody can expect anyone to be able to respond quickly all the time. That is one positive thing my ex and her daughter both share (as well as my daughter and myself), they get right back to me if they can. My ex will respond with total poison, but it's quickly delivered. Almost everyone else I talk to lags for hours...days...weeks? It's something you need to accept going in, unfortunately.

 

I agree with your assessment that if you got in her face about that, it was most likely a relationship killer. You really can't do that. People are real sensitive about that so even though text is considered to be an "instant" medium, we need to consider it as slow as email. I have been "dating" my gf (who is the closest woman to me at the moment but we both know in the long run it won't last because we both have plans which are mutually exclusive) for about five months now, and we have been texting longer than that. Still, if I text her something, I know it may be a day or two before she responds. She WILL respond, but it won't be for awhile. Sometimes if nothing is pressing, we go longer than a week between communications.

 

You should leave second guessing out of the dating process though. For the most part, if we find someone who really likes us and wants to move things forward, it will just build and move in a good direction. While you do need to take it easy regarding the texting and how long it takes someone to respond, don't second guess everything you do or say. Most of what you do and say comes from the gut which means it's the truth. If they don't care for it, then it's probably not meant to be.

 

You do seem like a genuinely nice person and someone who most people would like to get to know. Don't doubt yourself too much. I agree, don't be too pushy, nobody likes to be pushed, but everybody likes someone who is understanding and is into them. My best!! Hugs!

 

Ken

 

Thanks. I wish I had a redo button. Even if we had never amounted to anything, it was nice having someone to text. It was exciting, something I haven't felt since my breakup. Wish I hadn't screwed it up so quickly, but maybe something better will come along.

[kenmore]

Thanks. I wish I had a redo button. Even if we had never amounted to anything, it was nice having someone to text. It was exciting, something I haven't felt since my breakup. Wish I hadn't screwed it up so quickly, but maybe something better will come along.

 

Oh, it will! I wish for the redo button too but having one would suck, we'd just keep redoing things. I don't know about you, but that's one thing I don't wish to redo!

 

Ken

[JewelD]

Oh, it will! I wish for the redo button too but having one would suck, we'd just keep redoing things. I don't know about you, but that's one thing I don't wish to redo!

 

Ken

 

I suppose that's true. but there's this nagging deep remorse I can't seem to get rid of. My mom came to visit and we were out shopping and doing all this fun stuff I'd been looking forward to, but it was on my mind the entire time dragging me down.

 

I only told one of my really close friends about it bc most people would look at me like I'm crazy. Even she said it didn't make sense because I didn't even know the girl. Now I kind of DO feel crazy.

 

It's crazy to think it went all downhill within a few hours bc of texts that I sent when I should have just been patient. Like a week ago today, everything was fine. It's like when you have a glass of water in your hand and the split second before it crashes to the floor and your mind is like "wtf, I could have stopped that" because it happened so fast.

 

The other day I was feeling like wth and just sent her a message on OKCupid about how I was sorry for acting that way and that that's not really who I am. It was totally unnecessary and stupid but I figured I can't make it any worse than it already is. So I'm pretty sure she read it this morning but chose not to respond. I don't plan on saying anything else.

 

I just cannot understand why the universe would allow me to have such a great conversation with somebody and have so much in common only for it to not work out. I didn't even really want to do online dating because I was having trouble finding someone I was attracted to.

 

But before this, I was doing so well! It took me a looooong time to get over my ex and I was finally in a place where I was living my life and I was alright with being single. Now it's like this incident ripped the scab off those old scars and I feel an incredible amount of pain again. It's like I'm back to square one. I wish I had just trusted my instinct and stayed away from online dating.

[NopeNah]

Oh, it will! I wish for the redo button too but having one would suck, we'd just keep redoing things. I don't know about you, but that's one thing I don't wish to redo!

 

Ken

 

Yes...with constant redoing there is no growth or change of habit. If I didn't put that red shirt in with my whites the first time doing laundry, turning everything pink, I wouldn't have changed my laundry habit.

[kenmore]

I suppose that's true. but there's this nagging deep remorse I can't seem to get rid of. My mom came to visit and we were out shopping and doing all this fun stuff I'd been looking forward to, but it was on my mind the entire time dragging me down.

 

I only told one of my really close friends about it bc most people would look at me like I'm crazy. Even she said it didn't make sense because I didn't even know the girl. Now I kind of DO feel crazy.

 

Don't let your friend or anyone else make you feel like you're crazy. I fell for a woman back in 2007 who I never physically met. We met originally on a forum like this one but for widow(er)s. She lives across the country from me but we spoke frequently, did the IM thing a lot of every day, had laughs, played online games etc and as the months went by I was falling more and more for her until one night we spoke all night! 6pm-6am. We told each other our deepest secrets because we just went along with the moment. I still remember her talking the next day and joking around, then the sudden progression into her remembering, growing resentful and getting angry. Within a minute, she never wanted to talk to me again. I was heartbroken! It ended just like that!

 

It bothered me for a long time. I still think about her sometimes. There's still some pain there, so I can completely relate to what you did. No, you're not crazy, it's just that many people won't ever get it. They can't understand how you can fall for someone you never met, but it happens. You're free to think what you want about your actions and what went wrong (obviously), but don't think you're crazy, because if you're crazy, then I am too and I'm not ready to admit that yet!

 

Ken

[JewelD]

It would be so much easier to get over this if she was a bad person or had done something bad to me. For a little bit I thought she was kinda ****ty because she was making very little effort to text me. But now I think that's reasonable since she probably wasn't having fantasy relationships about me in her mind like I was.

 

I can't say that she really did anything bad or disrespectful, besides the ignoring me part, which again, I can understand why. Although I def don't think what I did was really that bad to completely give up on me.

 

I shouldn't be looking, but shes changing her profile around, shes been on a few times. It kills me to think someone else is probably going to get the opportunity that should have been mine. If I had just gone home this summer, we could have hung out when she asked and I don't think any of this would have happened. and maybe she's talking to other people and mentioned that she met some crazy girl on there.

 

I'm def losing my grip.

[kenmore]

No, you shouldn't be looking. At this point, you're tormenting yourself, but I get it, I did the same and still toy with the idea of doing so. My ex made it easy, she defriended me, blocked me and told me to lose her number (which I did, I completely deleted it from all of my phones, but it's etched into my memory. I used to call her from memory when we were dating.) Still, I have "lost" her number because I won't call it. This woman isn't making it so easy, but you need to stop looking, don't message her again, and try to get your mind away from her.

 

...But before this, I was doing so well! It took me a looooong time to get over my ex and I was finally in a place where I was living my life and I was alright with being single. Now it's like this incident ripped the scab off those old scars and I feel an incredible amount of pain again. It's like I'm back to square one. I wish I had just trusted my instinct and stayed away from online dating.

 

This paragraph tells me you are probably not ready to be dating now. I had that realization about myself a month or so ago. I have one woman in my life I call my "GF" because she is the closest thing I have to one. We go out sometimes, we talk, we're there for each other and I won't just stop talking to her or doing things with her because I like her and enjoy spending time with her, but we both know there's no future in it. Aside from her though, I am not looking nor trying. In addition to the fact that I may be leaving the area for good soon, I'm just not ready yet. The slightest rejection was cutting me to the core, and you may be going through some of that now. People like us who took a long time getting over an ex but still feel the scars are too vulnerable.

 

I hope you can let this pass soon and get that feeling back you had before you met her. The good news is you probably didn't set yourself back to square one, it just feels that way now. It should be much faster getting over her than your ex. Hang in there my friend and don't torment yourself with her any longer. Mostly, be kind to yourself!

 

Hugs! Ken

[JewelD]

UPDATE**

 

I know how I got over my ex, so I've been trying to do the same things, writing, exercising, talking to friends, being hopeful and optimistic. But I keep htting these ruts and saying "screw it, im gonna do whatever i want to".

 

I know it's wrong and a waste of time, but I really wanted to talk to this girl. so I basically started catfishing her. at first, I was thinking delusional and that maybe I could convince her to meet the real me since I knew she was already physically attracted. Then I figured that would be sloppy and messy and would probably piss her off about the lying part, so then I decided to do it just to mess with her and to find out some things about her. Maybe something that would completely make me dislike her and say fck it. (I know how wrong this is and that I need to stop)

 

Then yesterday I had an epiphany and realized NC is the best option. That what I was doing was wrong and wouldn't make me happy or help me get over it. So I disabled my real account and deleted the fake one I had been talking to her on.

 

I've been doing everything that helped me get over my ex of three yrs, but its a struggle. It's so hard to not give in to these negative thoughts sometimes. So remade the fake account. idk, maybe im just bored.

[kenmore]

Hey Jewel, IDK what catfishing is but I'm assuming from your post that it's making a fake account to learn more info from her. I then guess you closed that account then opened it again, closed your regular account (not in that order) and are currently f*cking with her.

 

Bad idea if you want anything with her!

 

Focus your attention on someone else. Focus it here on me! F*ck with me here, I'll give you crap if that will divert your attention, so will plenty of other people!

 

You may PM me too. Whatever makes you feel fulfilled.

 

Just forget her!

 

Seriously, just forget her! I'm here to help you. Just let me know what you need.

 

Ken

[JewelD]

Hey Jewel, IDK what catfishing is but I'm assuming from your post that it's making a fake account to learn more info from her. I then guess you closed that account then opened it again, closed your regular account (not in that order) and are currently f*cking with her.

 

Bad idea if you want anything with her!

 

Focus your attention on someone else. Focus it here on me! F*ck with me here, I'll give you crap if that will divert your attention, so will plenty of other people!

 

You may PM me too. Whatever makes you feel fulfilled.

 

Just forget her!

 

Seriously, just forget her! I'm here to help you. Just let me know what you need.

 

Ken

 

I know, it was such a dumb idea. A few hours after I remade the account, I called one of my friends and we laughed about old times and felt okay enough to just delete it again.

 

I think the problem is that I'm only attracted to a very specific type of woman. Physical wise anyway. and this specific type is not very easy to come by. and it's so shallow, but I can't really control it. Besides here, there are 3 other similar looking women I was attracted to, my ex, and then two miscellaneous girls who are already in relationships.

 

I tried looking at other women online but I was on there for hours for the first time just clicking until I found the one girl. and then I tried again with absolutely no luck. So I jst gave up because the entire site reminds me of her and my royal fck up (which ig wasn't really a fckup, she was just rude).

 

I haven't looked at her profile since early yesterday when I deleted the account, but my brain keeps going back to thoughts of her. Like I wake up at night and find myself thinking of different things I could have said to her that would have impressed her or made her like me.

 

and then i think, maybe its better this way? I had answered a few of her questions and we're pretty much opposite. Her answers made her seem like the type of woman who likes to play the field and likes sex more than feelings, just immature and materialistic. so with me two hours away, we probably couldn't have built a strong enough relationship where she wouldn't be dating and sleeping with ppl in Chicago. and that would have hurt like my last breakup.

 

I just liked having someone to fantasize about. Before that, I didn't think I would be attracted to anyone but my exes, so I couldn't fantasize because I had no face to put there. Now, it's like I enjoy those fantasies of a great relationship, but I keep putting her face in it. I tried just thinking of black shadow instead, but it was kinda strange and didn't have the same effect as thinking of an actual person.

 

I just don't get why I'm still lingering on this an entire week later. We only talked for like 4 days. I've gotten rejected before (b4 my last relationship), but it never took me this long to get over it. idk, I guess I'm just worried I won't find anyone I'm attracted to since I live in Bumblecrack Indiana for school and my type is ridiculously specific.

 

Thanks for listening to me btw, i honestly feel like im repeating the same things but it does help to get it out!

[kenmore]

Yes it does help to get it out and I'll listen to you all day. I know exactly how you feel because I have been there as I said before.

 

I also know how laughing and talking with friends is like a band-aid. It's a temporary fix but those feelings will resurface just like blood does through the band-aid.

 

Talk it out, cry it out, do anything that helps, then stop. Just f*cking stop one day. You will know when you are ready. It may be because you met someone else, it may be because you have cried it all out. It doesn't matter. What matters is you're ready to move on. That's all that's important. YOU are ready to move on and don't try to move on until that day comes despite what I said last night.

 

That advice comes from personal experience in things not even relating to relationships. It's all the same though! When you WANT it, you can do it. That's the key!

 

Meanwhile, I'm here for you. Lots of people are. That's the beauty of this place. Some *ssholes who get all excited, drink and swear too much and give rash advice, lots of wonderful people.