Ex back in touch in a weird way...and I'm not into it

August 13, 2015

There was a guy I dated two years ago for about six months. It was pleasant but at a certain point I stopped treating him as a serious prospect because it seemed like he had some drug issues (mostly cocaine) I didn't want to deal with. He also just didn't really inspire me, if that makes sense.

Although I knew he was more into me than I was him, we didn't have a sour breakup. When we called things off I told him I liked/respected him, no hard feelings, and I was sure we'd be friendly. I meant it at the time, but we ended up just fading out of touch and I found that was actually totally fine for me.

About eight months later he reestablished contact and we exchanged a few emails that petered out. Another few months after that, he announced through email that he'd just moved -- to a place much closer to me -- for a job. At some point I half-heartedly said I'd be open to meeting up but we never did. I found myself really numb and disinterested toward the whole thing.

Fast-forward a few months later: I just got another email. He tells me he is now growing weed, he has eight ounces he wants to sell, and he's wondering if me or anyone I know wants to buy some. OK ... but that's followed up by a weirder email where he says if I'd like to help him "trim the harvest" he'll either pay me or give me free weed. I'm not sure, but I think that's him offering to pay me to smoke with him? What the hell??

I didn't respond, but a few hours later get two more emails, I highly suspect drunken ones, apologizing and calling his offer "uncalled for."

All of this is a real turnoff and it makes me all the less eager to be in touch with him. Do I respond in any way, or do I just leave this dangling? I know the latter is cold.

(PS in case you thought we were young, we're not. Both mid-30s.)

August 13, 2015

Hmmm. You could thwart future contact if you just straight up tell him you aren't interested in him or what he has to offer and be very clear about it. If you just ignore him, the silence doesn't make it clear to him that you don't wish to be in contact with him. Eventually he'll get the hint if you don't respond to him at all but he might not figure it out.

My personal opinion is that you should clearly but kindly let him know you just aren't really interested in being friends or hanging out with him and that he should stop contacting you.

August 13, 2015

What's weird about this is we haven't actually seen each other in two years, and our last contact was months ago. That's not someone you should be trying to hawk weed upon. And/or it saddens me if that was what he came up with an excuse to contact me.

It'd be cruel to tell him how I actually feel, which is, "I don't really have any big problems with you, but I feel so 'ehhh' about seeing you again that I'm not sure it's going to happen."

Yet saying something along the lines of "Please don't contact me anymore" also seems more melodramatic and stern than what I'm feeling.

August 13, 2015

There was a guy I dated two years ago for about six months. It was pleasant but at a certain point I stopped treating him as a serious prospect because it seemed like he had some drug issues (mostly cocaine) I didn't want to deal with. He also just didn't really inspire me, if that makes sense.

Although I knew he was more into me than I was him, we didn't have a sour breakup. When we called things off I told him I liked/respected him, no hard feelings, and I was sure we'd be friendly. I meant it at the time, but we ended up just fading out of touch and I found that was actually totally fine for me.

About eight months later he reestablished contact and we exchanged a few emails that petered out. Another few months after that, he announced through email that he'd just moved -- to a place much closer to me -- for a job. At some point I half-heartedly said I'd be open to meeting up but we never did. I found myself really numb and disinterested toward the whole thing.

Fast-forward a few months later: I just got another email. He tells me he is now growing weed, he has eight ounces he wants to sell, and he's wondering if me or anyone I know wants to buy some. OK ... but that's followed up by a weirder email where he says if I'd like to help him "trim the harvest" he'll either pay me or give me free weed. I'm not sure, but I think that's him offering to pay me to smoke with him? What the hell??

I didn't respond, but a few hours later get two more emails, I highly suspect drunken ones, apologizing and calling his offer "uncalled for."

All of this is a real turnoff and it makes me all the less eager to be in touch with him. Do I respond in any way, or do I just leave this dangling? I know the latter is cold.

(PS in case you thought we were young, we're not. Both mid-30s.)

You're not obligated to this guy.

I'd ignore and he'll eventually take the hint.

He already sounds like a mess...drunken emails about harvesting his weed field, I mean, you broke up with him two years ago because of his cocaine habit, he didn't inspire you, and you didn't really care to be friends...I think you should keep it moving. I think friendships with exes need to be organic, i.e. little effort and you just find it easy to be friendly...however, if they are your ex and you have to go all out of your way to maintain a friendship reluctantly there is NO POINT. You dated for 6 months 2 years ago...he's acting like a fool sending you drunk emails and asking you to find customers for his weed...it's not cold IMO to just ignore and move forward.

Edited August 13, 2015 by MissBee

August 13, 2015

Maybe he can start a "pick-your-own" program for his weed farm since he lacks a good labor supply.

Anyway, I would just ignore. It was a short-term relationship two years ago. You clearly are very different people with different values, not to mention, his drug activities, which contributed to the original breakup remain prominent in his life. There's no obligation to engage anymore.

From your silence, he gets that his weed collection proposition was the wrong move. Thus the backpedaling with excuses that he was drunk. Drunk? Stoned? High?Whatever! His business proposition or whatever that drunken "bright" idea was, doesn't need a response. You broke up two years ago.

August 13, 2015

He's talking about a trimming job...you prune the weed and get paid a lot of $$$.

Some sketchy girls i know dream of moving to CA or CO to do this.

August 13, 2015

He's talking about a trimming job...you prune the weed and get paid a lot of $$$.

Some sketchy girls i know dream of moving to CA or CO to do this.

Ah, thanks for clarifying. I was a major pothead back in my day but this is the first I've heard of that, at least in those terms. I don't know why this guy automatically assumed I was hip to that. I don't even remember ever smoking pot with him.

I was thinking of waiting a few days to respond then saying that while I don't mind him being in touch, I find it weird that he chose that way of doing so. And then I need to find a nice way to say "Maybe we'll hang out with each other again at some point but I'm sure as hell not making it a priority."

This guy may be an idiot at times, but he's done nothing to deserve banishment from my life, and I'm not going to let him think that's how I feel about him.

August 13, 2015

He needs to sell his weed so he can buy coke, and you were one one of his last resorts.

Not very flattering...

Don't reply.

Block him.

August 13, 2015

Ah, thanks for clarifying. I was a major pothead back in my day but this is the first I've heard of that, at least in those terms. I don't know why this guy automatically assumed I was hip to that. I don't even remember ever smoking pot with him.

I was thinking of waiting a few days to respond then saying that while I don't mind him being in touch, I find it weird that he chose that way of doing so. And then I need to find a nice way to say "Maybe we'll hang out with each other again at some point but I'm sure as hell not making it a priority."

This guy may be an idiot at times, but he's done nothing to deserve banishment from my life, and I'm not going to let him think that's how I feel about him.

My grandma got me a book once about the Nice Girl's Guide to Negotiation or something like that, it was basically teaching women how to be firm and have boundaries and be able to negotiate as we're often told to feel badly about lots of things that we don't need to feel badly about and we allow people to erode our boundaries all in the name of seeming "nice."

Sounds like you have that problem.

You seem to not be interested in hanging out with this guy yet you seem to still want to make it seem like "maybe you will" because you don't want him to feel bad or that you don't want him to think you've "banished" him, I definitely think that you're suffering from a case of being a "nice girl" who doesn't want to step on people's toes even if it means being in awkward positions. Trust me, it's something I've consciously been working on myself as I found myself giving space and time to all kinds of people because I didn't want them to feel bad or hurt their feelings, when the fact is, I had NO obligation to them and in fact, they didn't care as much as my "nice girl syndrome" made me think. I felt they would be so crushed and upset if I didn't talk to them, hang out or didn't do what they asked...truth is, they got over it or didn't even care all that much. Some of the times they were only interested in using me for my benefit to them and it was a one-sided deal (which is EXACTLY how it seems with this guy, he pops up and already starts asking all kinds of weird favors from you)and once I cut them off, they QUICKLY found someone else to use.

I could understand if you'd had a deeply meaningful years long relationship with this man, but someone I dated for 6 months 2 years ago is not on my priority list and shouldn't be on yours in terms of coddling his feeling esp since you CLEARLY aren't enthused about him, which is the weirdest part. You didn't even keep in contact closer to the break up, so why does it matter now? Trust me, you ignoring him won't make his world end, it will just allow you to avoid these awkward situations that you're not even thrilled about, as chances are if you don't shut it down he will just keep emailing or expecting to hang out. You're putting his feelings first, why? Put your own first. He is annoying and weird and asking you strange things when he is drunk and you dumped him years ago...you are NOT now required to offer your hand in friendship. Not wanting to be friends with someone doesn't mean they are "banished," it just means you don't want to be friends....grown ups should be able to accept this and if he feels banished, oh well, he'll be fine.

Edited August 13, 2015 by MissBee

August 13, 2015

@MissBee: Thanks, those are very helpful, valid points you're making.

I guess in a way I'm battling here with my own self. I don't have the most raging social life and don't feel I'm in any position to turn down potential friendships, which I do think I could have in some form with this guy. I also know that when we broke up I did have every intent of remaining in his life. (I remember telling him something like, "I promise we haven't seen each other for the last time.")

Yet there's this other part of me that can't seem to muster ANY enthusiasm to want to hang out or communicate with him, and I have to admit that that side's been winning for a long time. Mix that with his weird behavior, and my fear that he may still be harboring some lingering romantic or at least sexual goals with me... and you have a bad scene.

I'm not going to respond. If I ever find myself changing my stance with him in the future I guess I could always reach out then.

Thanks for the advice everybody.

August 13, 2015

It takes two to tango. He didn't reach out for long periods of time either. And now that he has, it's because he needs a favor. That's not a potential friend. That's someone who pops into your life when it works for him, to see if you're amenable to being used.

August 13, 2015

It takes two to tango. He didn't reach out for long periods of time either. And now that he has, it's because he needs a favor. That's not a potential friend. That's someone who pops into your life when it works for him, to see if you're amenable to being used.

I should be clear, each and every time our conversations have "fizzled out" in the past, I've been the one responsible for that. I've stopped responding.

I also failed to mention here that he did get in touch a few times through text during the eight months after our breakup before we emailed each other.

He's definitely always been the one initiating/trying with things.

August 13, 2015

@MissBee: Thanks, those are very helpful, valid points you're making.

I guess in a way I'm battling here with my own self. I don't have the most raging social life and don't feel I'm in any position to turn down potential friendships, which I do think I could have in some form with this guy. I also know that when we broke up I did have every intent of remaining in his life. (I remember telling him something like, "I promise we haven't seen each other for the last time.")

Yet there's this other part of me that can't seem to muster ANY enthusiasm to want to hang out or communicate with him, and I have to admit that that side's been winning for a long time. Mix that with his weird behavior, and my fear that he may still be harboring some lingering romantic or at least sexual goals with me... and you have a bad scene.

I'm not going to respond. If I ever find myself changing my stance with him in the future I guess I could always reach out then.

Thanks for the advice everybody.

Good for you!

To the bold I'll just say: this is desperation talking. In the sense that you don't have a raging social life so have resorted to feeling like some halfhearted friendship with a possibly coked up ex is something you shouldn't turn down...girl... No. The choices aren't alone forever with no friends or reluctant friendship with ex you don't like much.

You are in EVERY position to turn down anyone and anything you're not into. That's called self-respect, self-worth and just valuing your own time. Desperation is believing you are "no position" to choose what you want for yourself and should just accept anything that comes your way. The former attitude will get you in a lot of trouble and you will find yourself tied up with a lot of people and things you don't want to be tied up with and feel resentful...BTDT still getting over that tendency but my life is a lot easier when I make choices for me and not for other people (who ironically are making choices for themselves, this dude for example definitely is) or based on feeling like "I'm in no position."

August 13, 2015

It takes two to tango. He didn't reach out for long periods of time either. And now that he has, it's because he needs a favor. That's not a potential friend. That's someone who pops into your life when it works for him, to see if you're amenable to being used.

Ditto.

This isn't a friend. This is a man who wants a favor and I don't care how not raging your social life is, hanging on to a fake friend ex doesn't seem like it's worth it. I'm SURE you can find anyone else who would genuinely be interested in a mutual friendship.

August 13, 2015

I should be clear, each and every time our conversations have "fizzled out" in the past, I've been the one responsible for that. I've stopped responding.

I also failed to mention here that he did get in touch a few times through text during the eight months after our breakup before we emailed each other.

He's definitely always been the one initiating/trying with things.

Thanks for clarifying that you let things drop each time. But that still doesn't address why he contacted you only a handful of times in two years. If I'm interested in developing a friendship with someone, I'm in frequent, regular contact, not once every few months. What prompted him to contact you each time? The weed farm and needing help with his harvest are new, I think.

At any rate, I'll take you back to your OP. You broke up with him, for a few reasons, his drug-related activities, among those. Nothing has changed. He hasn't changed. Why do you still feel obligated to continue some sort of interaction two years later when you really aren't interested in him. Why does moving on with your life to people who are more compatible as friends and dates get defined as "banishing" him? You weren't, and still aren't, a match. The point of dating is to figure out if you're compatible with someone. People go their separate ways when they aren't.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time with my questions. It's more food for thought for you. Basically, why would you behave this way or feel obligated to someone, if you don't really like the person or want to deal with him?

August 13, 2015

Thanks for clarifying that you let things drop each time. But that still doesn't address why he contacted you only a handful of times in two years. If I'm interested in developing a friendship with someone, I'm in frequent, regular contact, not once every few months. What prompted him to contact you each time? The weed farm and needing help with his harvest are new, I think.

As I said, in each and every case, I was the one who dropped out of contact and/or failed to follow through with more meaningful actions like meeting up. I've been totally passive, and he's been wise enough not to push things too hard or become a total nuisance. Yet he's also maintained enough contact over the months and years to ensure I don't forget about him.

Basically, why would you behave this way or feel obligated to someone, if you don't really like the person or want to deal with him?

It's not that I don't like him, but you nailed it with I don't want to deal with him. And I guess I'm feeling some guilt over that, whether it's warranted or not. He's put in an effort, I know he wants me to be part of his life, and I can't seem to return that to him.

And btw, this "favor" he's asking... I do believe he's actually doing this with the weed, but I seriously doubt that he actually needs my help getting rid of it. Drugs sell themselves, and trust me, he has enough spare time to prune the plants or whatever. I think that was a (flimsy) excuse to get in touch under the guise of "this is business, not personal."

August 13, 2015

Isn't there a way you can block him?

August 13, 2015

Don't be crazy. He just moved there, you live close, and he needs a trimmer. What's so mysterious about this? $200 a pound aint a bad way to supplement your income.

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Ex back in touch in a weird way...and I'm not into it

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