maleene Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 My ex-bf broke up with me kind of suddenly about 4 months ago. I tried to maintain a friendship with him (because I didn't want to lose him and was very upset but I kept a brave face and didn't show it to him that i was hurt) but in all honesty, it was killing me on the inside. About a month or so ago, I decided to do no contact and ignored his messages (I know I should've blocked him but I guess wasn't ready to do that). He did hurt me just after we ended too (he didn't do anything super bad, but wasn't super gentlemanly either). So after that, i decided i needed to stop talking to him. I then reached a point where i felt like I couldn't be friends with him and last week, abruptly sent him a message to say he and I aren't friends anymore. He was confused and when I gave my reasoning, I don't think I did it so well (yeah, I shouldn't have given one i guess), he didn't take it too well. We talked a little bit and came to a hurt but not overly angry end (maybe a bit on his end though). My questions to you all are... Did I owe him an explanation as to why I ended the friendship? He thought things were fine (I did not speak to him for several weeks but that didn't seem to register to him). And now, I feel horrendously guilty. At the end of the day, he's a good person but he maybe didn't do things perfectly either. I know he hurt me but I don't want to live by a "he did this so I'm entitled to do that" kind of thinking. I really believe 2 wrongs don't make a right and I'd rather know that I did the right thing. Should i apologize for breaking up our friendship so suddenly and hurting him? If so, should I wait to do it (I only ended the friendship late last week)? I never did this to hurt him but rather, to set myself free, so to speak. But I can't help but feel like I did the wrong thing. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you for your time. 1
casey.lives Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 No, talking about leaving a person after it's been done ... is more hurtful. swallow your decision and move on. 1
Jay13094 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 girl. let me first start off by telling you i know exactly how you feel with the whole friend thing. I was in this position before and he's not worth it. He ended it with you for a reason. WHY should he be able to have ANY piece of you???? he shouldn't be able to have you at all. He lost you, the moment he broke up with you. For him to be upset as to why you don't want to be friends is not his problem. He broke up with you didn't he? He chose to, and you chose to not be friends anymore and thats how it is. Him having you as a friend is a outlet of getting back with you in the chance that he can't find anything better. Him having you as a friend is him not feeling as guilty. "well it didn't end that bad, like we're still friends!" You don't owe him ****. Don't feel bad. YOU ARENT THE BAD GUY HERE. You did nothing wrong. Don't forget that. But once you pick what you wanna do... stick with it. Nothing is harder and more confusing for you then going back and forth changing your mind. SO much easier said than done.. but in a couple months you'll get over him (you really will) and you'll feel so free.. til then good luck<3 1
aloneinaz Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 This is a GREAT learning experience for you and the others reading this thread. You learned that you can never be friends w/a fresh ex, when you're the dumpee. You have to accept their decision to kick you out of their lives and move on. Like the above poster stated, they ended the R/S. You owe them NOTHING after that. As a guy, trust me when I say, you didn't "hurt" him by letting him know you no longer wanted contact with him. He'll only be bummed that you're not around, pining for him and stroking his ego and self esteem. You screwed up the first time in not vanishing from his life when he dumped you. Don't screw up again and break contact when he starts screwing with you to get you to engage with him. It will be a game to him, nothing more. Mean while, heal and move on w/your life. There's plenty of fish in the sea. 2
foolinlove79 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Ive just done the same thing. My ex did treat me like crap at the end and dragged it out for months too. Within a month he wants to be friends. I didnt acrually agree to being friends but he assumed we were and would randomly text me every few weeks. It was too hard. Its like a connection to them still and i dont think we can ever truly move forward while that is going on. So i stopped replying. I felt guilty at first. But then again they did leave us so we dont owe them anything do we. They bu with us because they wanted to and were putting themselves first. Why should we now not put ourselves first and do what is right for us?
Tayla Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 apologies are to aid in resetting our values on the right path. There really are times where when our values become askewed (disjointed) , a brief and sincere apology can aide. Do it if you would expect the same in correlation. I found that whether I was the cause or the effect, a discussion and amends placed things in balance. And yes some adults can end things, be friends, and forgive all in due time. 1
qubist Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I don't think you should apologize like going crying to him but IMO you should explain yourself. he probably doesn't understand the importance of a NO Contact to you. this is one of the reason that a NC should be declared first. I would just text him or email him ( do not face him) to explain you decission to stop the friendship
Gus Grimly Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 You don't owe him any explanations. You said yourself you've been dying inside for months. Sometimes, in rare circumstances friendship after the romance ends can happen. I've never seen it and know myself how horrible it is to have the one you still love move on and find someone else. It got so bad that my Ex was even calling me up for advice on what to wear on her date with the guy she met on OKCupid or she'd tell me "tonight's the big night" referring to them going to have sex for the first time. It's pretty brutal, no one deserves that. I wouldn't feel bad, he broke up with you. He doesn't deserve your empathy or guilt. You were kind to want to remain friends but it's almost never a good idea when you are trying to heal from a breakup. 1
candie13 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 this is not about him, it's all about you. You need to live with your decisions. If you think your conscience will be clearer, give him an explanation. I am absolutely not into the ego trips. I know what I want and I know what's fair. Who's done me wrong and whom I have done wrong. I think ego is only a form of protection from the real hurt that it's inside. The real issue is not your being rude or your friendship. The real issue is that you need peace, and finding peace is hard, after a break up, especially if you try to keep him in your life. Before doing anything, take the time to reach out inside of you and ask yourself what do you really need. Do you need peace? Do you need calm? Do you need closure? Are you still inlove? Are you pining after him? Understand what you need and give yourself that. Second point is boundaries. Keep healthy boundaries. If you let him treat you like shyte, that's all your wrong doing. Friends don't do this to eachother. Step up and set clear limits to his behavior - invasive or not. Basically, if you understand what you need and you stand up for yourself, you'll understand what you need to do next. I've left my ex really abruptly - for a good reason, in my humble opinion. I was really hurt and irrational and just vanished from a perfectly healthy RS - or so I thought. After the anger and hurt melted away, I've experienced massive massive guilt. Really. To the point where I couldn't date or see any other guy. So I took my time and really looked inside to understand what I needed. I needed to talk to him, I needed to share how he made me feel. I needed to explain to him why I've left - other than the logical, primary reason. Of course the guy owed me nothing and never responded to my invitation to meet up. So I took all my courage and wrote him a really long letter sharing everything. Like saying it all - sharing my unrequited love, my feelings of loss, my disappointment, my sadness, my anger, my deep shame and deep feeling of guilt for having disappeared like that. Sharing it with him, God and the Universe. Not only did I write it, i've sent it too. Of course I got no answer and that's fine. I didn't do that to get him back or to persuade him to meet me. I've done it for myself. And it got me closure. It is impressive the amount of good that did to me. However, I did keep 3 months of strict NC everywhere, before contacting him again. I don't care about my ego or how badly or poorly I looked. Or how the guy maybe thought: "ha, I knew it, she dumped me like an old pair of socks and now she regrets and wants me back. Well screw you!". What he thinks is his own responsibility. His answer - lack of answer - is a form of communication in itself which only shows I was correct in breaking up with him in the first place. Anyway, all that to say, when it comes to love, there is no ego. Be really focused on yourself. Think about what you really really need and go after that only. If you need to screw his arse and disappear on him, listen to yourself and do it. You'll deal with guilt and anger later. Just... listen to yourself. Do what you think it's right. What you think makes you a good, decent, kind human being. Don't cheat, ok ? 1
Jay13094 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 You screwed up the first time in not vanishing from his life when he dumped you. Don't screw up again and break contact when he starts screwing with you to get you to engage with him. It will be a game to him, nothing more. So true, I can relate. Initially I ended things with him, but thats cz he wasn't being faithful to me so i a sense- he ended the relationship first. Instead of me walking away I thought that after some time he would realize he wanted me back... nope... spent 5 months dealing with his ass of him wanting to hang out all the time and not blocking him. It really drained me out for no reason- i definitely have learned that once they make their decision.... ghost on them and it will kill them inside b/c thats all their pride and ego talking. 1
Jay13094 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Ive just done the same thing. My ex did treat me like crap at the end and dragged it out for months too. Within a month he wants to be friends. I didnt acrually agree to being friends but he assumed we were and would randomly text me every few weeks. It was too hard. Its like a connection to them still and i dont think we can ever truly move forward while that is going on. So i stopped replying. I felt guilty at first. But then again they did leave us so we dont owe them anything do we. They bu with us because they wanted to and were putting themselves first. Why should we now not put ourselves first and do what is right for us? lesson learned the hard way, but thats the only way to learn right! Isn't it interesting how the ones that broke our hearts make us feel bad about reacting in a complete normal matter
Jay13094 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I don't think you should apologize like going crying to him but IMO you should explain yourself. he probably doesn't understand the importance of a NO Contact to you. this is one of the reason that a NC should be declared first. I would just text him or email him ( do not face him) to explain you decission to stop the friendship ^ honestly op, if you do not care to be in his life just don't even bother. Let him be confused if he doesn't understand cz he doesn't have to understand. Whats an explanation going to do? if anything it will make it more complicated just leave it and go
Author maleene Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Wow, thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. It's been really encouraging, useful and insightful, I've learnt a lot today. Thank you so much!
candie13 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) it's people, not salads, we're talking about. If you have reasons to believe he is toying with you, yeah, be harsh and cold. If you trust he is a decent human being, treat him like one and ask to be treated like one. only because he decided to leave the RS doesn't automatically make him a horrible person - unless he mistreated you during the RS or during the break up. Did he have a reason to leave or did he just fall out of love? Anyways, don't feel bad for doing NC if you feel that's what will give you peace and closure. You two are broken up. He'll always be there, later, if you feel like talking to him, because you've managed the break up bravely - kudos to you for that! Be selfish and focus on yourself, focus on healing. But please please don't hang onto the anger and bitterness, it will only end up poisoning you, in the end. Guilt is a b*tch, I know her very well. Say to yourself you can always pop up and say hi, when you're well. If you're well. You have it all going, you are on speaking terms. Take the time to focus on yourself and make yourself feel better. It sounds like you've jumped directly to "friendship" and didn't mourn the loss of his affection... you're entitled to your privacy and he doesn't necessarily need to know it. As a dumper, I keep reading a lot of threads and I know that there are a lot of people hurting from break ups. The general trend on this forum is to demonize the dumper and treat him like a horrible human being, because he left. Of course, it doesn't make your pain and suffering any little nor does it justify his walking away. I guess what I'm saying is... you are the only one who knows what happened in that RS. You are the only one who knows how he really is like, the good and the bad... Don't let yourself get blinded by your ego or hold on to the hurt, pain and anger, it'll only make you heavier and slow your path to healing, ok? Work on acceptance, work on forgiveness, for no one's perfect, not even you. Edited August 13, 2015 by candie13 1
LeslieKnope Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I agree with candie. There is a tendency, I think as a coping mechanism, to portray the dumper in a negative light. Now, I've read enough horror stories on here to know that it is sometimes justified - cheating, abuse, lying, anger issues, etc. Believe me, there are more than a few LS exes of what are otherwise perfect strangers that I've wanted to reach behind the virtual wall of the internet and smack for the poor dumpees. People are perfectly entitled to feel what they like, but it doesn't mean that all dumpers are terrible people. Mine actually was very nice but not ready. As devastated as I was by it, I don't wish him ill. I've only used NC for my own well-being, not to manipulate or hurt him. Because, really, what's the point? Why prolong the sad ending? Anyway, I really think most people on here do approach NC as just that - a way to heal. There's no malice involved, just hurt feelings they're trying to process. As for you ms. maleene, you do what's best to you, but I don't think you should feel the need to apologize. It invalidates your feelings and that's not fair to you.
aloneinaz Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I've ended most of my LTR's in a kind and respectful way because they where great people who I just feel out of love with or didn't see it developing to where I'd consider marriage to them. I totally agree that everyone has the right to end a relationship in a respectful manner and NOT be viewed as the devil. The dumpee has to navigate thru the heart break and rejection. Some have strong pride and self esteem and recognize not everyone is a good fit. They accept the news and vanish. Others, continue to call, cry, beg and try and stay in contact with the dumper which only validates the dumpers decision to end the R/S in the first place. I always would talk to the person I ended it with if they called and most did. But they knew my decision was final and would give up. One struggled to let go and I had to eventually ignore her so she would move on. It was hard but she did heal, move on and find a great guy. We're on friendly terms now. 1
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