Can Friendship Bring My Ex Back??

[SwedishJohn10]

Basically my gf broke up with me about 8 weeks ago for her own personal reasons. We have been together 4 years. Now since then we have come to good terms and agreed not to talk for a few months til we've healed and then become friends again. But since that talk she has been messaging me every few days asking how i am or bringing up something she "apparently needed to tell me". I have answered pretty much every time (i know i shouldn't have) waiting a few hours between replies because i was busy. Now idk what to make of all this, if she is just stroking her ego or if she is messaging me only when she misses me and when i reply she gets her satisfaction? Shes always the one that initiates the conversation and i always dont reply when i see the convo dying down. Now ever since we have been talking ive been really down because im starting to miss her a lot, not sure if im going past the denial stage or if its just us talking thats making me miss her again. But anyways today she messaged me again around 2pm (its 9pm now) saying "how are you".

 

Assuming i want her back, do you guys think it would be better to just ignore her so she realizes im not going to be her safety net? Or reply maybe in a few days/hours saying that ive been doing great but ive been really busy. Ive been wanting to get the opportunity to tell her how happy ive been and how greatly ive been improving in several aspects of my life and i feel like this is the opening for that.

 

She also followed me on snapchat a few days ago but i didnt follow her back because how could i expect to move on if i see what shes doing every day. The day after she added me on snapchat she sent me a snap of her at her new work as a bartender where she was wearing a really slutty outfit clearly trying to show that in the video. I wasnt sure how to take that neither, whether she was trying to make me jealous of her or her job idk so i never answered. So now about 2 days later she texts me how are you. I want her to know that im not jealous of her but idk in what way would be the best to show it, in ignoring or telling her that life's been great. Also, a mistake i made today was that i posted a snapchat story of my cat or some **** about 30 min after she texted me. Shes already seen it and can see the time that i posted it and now i almost feel like i cant say i have been busy because my snap was of my cat in my house several minutes after she texted me. I was thinking of since im going to a party tonight, maybe snapping it so she knows im having fun but then again ive been trying to go for a mystery vibe because that will make her wonder all sorts of things. Thing is i usually snap fun things in my life so now that she sees my only snap all week is of my cat in my house i feel like i may have ruined my leverage. Really confused on what to do here guys, I really do love this girl and she clearly does miss me.

[crederer]

Naw, I did the same thing before. I regretted it.

 

If she really wants you back, she's gunna have to try harder than that, no?

[Gloria25]

Well, whether or not you respond depends on a lot of things...

 

-For one, who broke up with whom? This would be an indicator of who/why is holding on. I mean, let's say you broke up with her cuz she's X. Well, while you made the right decision, there probably were still good things about the RL and 4 years together is a long time to just rip off the RL (break it up) as if it's a Bandaid and move on.

 

-Moving on takes time, period. Like I just mentioned, four years is a long time together. And, it does take a period of adjustment in being w/o them. One guy, when we broke up, it was hard for me cuz he already was "part" of my life. I mean, you have to get used to sleeping alone, not awaiting their call, making plans w/o them...That's hard to do.

 

And, maybe that's why you two are relapsing. Cuz yea, it's easier to return to what's familiar. I don't know how long you two will be relapsing...but, hopefully in time it will fade and you two can move on.

 

If you wanna sincerely move on, don't respond to her texts and stuff. I know it may come off as rude, but sometimes it takes that. If you don't wanna be rude, respond like a few days later and just be like "Hi, saw your message, I've just been busy. Take care" and that's it....Don't address in any way the content of her message. In time she'll get bored and move on.

[SwedishJohn10]

She broke it off with me and i understood her reasons its bc she wanted to find happiness on her own but i feel like we can still be together but physically be apart and she can find happiness that way. It seems she wants to be friends cuz she doesnt wanna lose me but she knows she needs to try to find her own happiness. I know it sounds selfish to say i still want her back but i feel like we can work thru those things, there has to be another way.

[SwedishJohn10]

My ex broke it off with me about 7 weeks ago, but we are on good terms now. I still love her. She texted me yesterday saying how are you. I hear about all this nc thing but wil it work for me or will it just come off as rude. I was thinking of replying a few days later saying "Hey sorry i saw your message but ive been incredibly busy lately. Everything is good, hope all is well with you too". Maybe this will have her realize ive been working hard on improving my lifestyle but am not immediately available to be her safety net or to stroke her ego. So what do you think, should i reply? and if, what should i reply to make her miss me.

[Chi townD]

If you're on good terms then I would respond with, "Look, I know we're not together anymore. But I have to cut contact with you because I'm still really having a hard time with this break up and I need time to heal. I hope you can understand." And then, strict NC. THIS ALSO INCLUDES ALL SOCIAL MEDIA!!!

 

 

If she messages you AFTER that and you don't respond, she now knows exactly why.

[mightycpa]

If you're on good terms, what's the problem? Why is this particular greeting any different than others?

 

By "we're on good terms now" do you mean it was tense, but now you're civil with each other? That's a long damn way from being on good terms.

 

Your post reeks of hope for a rekindling.

 

So here's my advice. If you can stand being around her, watching her stick her tongue down other guys' throats and grind them to a pulp out on the dance floor, by all means, follow up. Why not?

 

But if that kind of stuff would get to you, then you need to protect yourself by walling off all communication for a while. Who cares if she thinks it's rude or childish or mean or whatever? You're no longer in the business of caring about what she thinks, and you probably have some trouble getting your head wrapped around that.

 

So that's really the issue. Does it hurt you to hear from her, see her, talk to her, whatever? If it doesn't, you're golden. If it does, you should be a ghost.

[aloneinaz]

What she's doing is called "breadcrumbs" here on this site. She's just checking to see if you're still wanting her and to stroke her ego like you said.

 

 

I'd ignore her text. If she has something to say, MAKE HER SAY IT. You need to worry about you and getting over her. You can't do that if you continue to have contact with her. You'll keep pulling the scab off the wound.

 

 

My last ex dumped me. I VANISHED from her life. 5-6 months later, she reappeared. She first stopped by my home. I was napping. The next night, she sent a long text apologizing for what a douche she was when we were together, hoped I'd forgive her, etc.. I ignored that too. Two weeks later, she sent an epically long email falling all over herself, pleading for another chance, blah, blah.. I ignored it for a few days until my new GF asked me to send a short reply that I was happily in a new relationship and good luck.

 

 

My point is, unless a dumper has something compelling to say to you (and you still care), ignore them. If she's feeling like she made a mistake and she wants another chance, trust me, she will track you down to tell you this. In the mean time, don't engage with stupid contact from her. Sometimes silence speaks volumes.

[Thegreatfrazzle]

I was in your shoes a while back, look at my post for some great help I received. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538797-she-messaged-me-asking-how-i-am

 

My advice would be that it doesn't matter what terms you are on, she decided to kick you out of her life. You owe her nothing, not even simple pleasantries like a text to tell her how you are. All you would be doing is lying about how you feel, which will only make her feel better about her choice to ditch you because she thinks your not suffering from her actions anymore. It would also signify to her that you are available if she changes her mind, which gives her all the power and makes you look, quite frankly, pathetic.

 

Also remember that love is like a drug, and by messaging her you would just be feeding your addiction. You gotta cut that bit@h out of your life because as I and many other LS users will tell you it is the only way to get over your feelings.

 

I cannot stress enough, she dumped you. She doesn't care if you don't respond, it's only a text, she doesn't care about you, why the hell would she care about a text message?! She isn't thinking about it anywhere near as much as you are , so chill out, have a beer, delete the message if you want, and look forward to the day where you find someone better who texts you because they actually care about your feelings, not because they want their ego stroked.

[TaraMaiden2]

.... should i reply? and if, what should i reply to make her miss me.

 

This last remark, more than anything you could say, is a clear and present signal as to why it is absolutely imperative that you do NOT respond at all.

 

You are in no fit mental, psychological state to be able to cope with the rejection. Her comment was not an open invitation to re-kindle feelings.

 

Her comment was one designed, singularly, to ensure she could feel better about dumping you.

[aloneinaz]

I was in your shoes a while back, look at my post for some great help I received. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538797-she-messaged-me-asking-how-i-am

 

My advice would be that it doesn't matter what terms you are on, she decided to kick you out of her life. You owe her nothing, not even simple pleasantries like a text to tell her how you are. All you would be doing is lying about how you feel, which will only make her feel better about her choice to ditch you because she thinks your not suffering from her actions anymore. It would also signify to her that you are available if she changes her mind, which gives her all the power and makes you look, quite frankly, pathetic.

 

Also remember that love is like a drug, and by messaging her you would just be feeding your addiction. You gotta cut that bit@h out of your life because as I and many other LS users will tell you it is the only way to get over your feelings.

 

I cannot stress enough, she dumped you. She doesn't care if you don't respond, it's only a text, she doesn't care about you, why the hell would she care about a text message?! She isn't thinking about it anywhere near as much as you are , so chill out, have a beer, delete the message if you want, and look forward to the day where you find someone better who texts you because they actually care about your feelings, not because they want their ego stroked.

 

 

Right on point and nicely stated!

[SwedishJohn10]

This last remark, more than anything you could say, is a clear and present signal as to why it is absolutely imperative that you do NOT respond at all.

 

You are in no fit mental, psychological state to be able to cope with the rejection. Her comment was not an open invitation to re-kindle feelings.

 

Her comment was one designed, singularly, to ensure she could feel better about dumping you.

 

I would agree with you, but she has asked me how i am numerous times throughout our break, pretty much like twice a week. This is what i meant by we ended on good terms, we talked thru it all and i fully understand her reason for breaking it off, she wants to be single for the next year so she can find an independent happiness. She has been jumping from relationship to relationship for years. Mine was a 4 year relationship so if it started out as a rebound it became real later on. She wants to remain friends with me and said we should barely talk for a few months until we heal. But it seems after that that she just keeps messaging me. In this case idk if its rude to just ignore? My emotions are all over the place with this. She did do one mistake which initially ended our relationship which was that she flew states away to see her ex for "closure" while me and her were in a fight and not talking. I found out and ended it but days later i didnt want to throw 4 years down the drain for one mistake where she promises she didnt do anything with the guy, just needed closure. I tried to forgive her and work through it but she was "confused" and acted completely emotionally cold after and wanted a few weeks break to figure things out. This is where we are now but it has turned to a year that she wants to be single which i was expecting. I have found out that she keeps going back up to see the guy while we are broken up which i had to confront her about and she said that they are purely just friends, our break up had nothing to do with him and she had to do this for herself. She is starting school now and working like crazy so i know she wont go see him anymore at least til the semester is up. I dont want to be rude to her where it just pushes her more into another man's arms. I love her too much for that. Is it possible for us to get back together a year from now or will we end just up looking at each other again with no feelings? That to me is the saddest part.

[Her Bridges]

Not even going to get into the trips to see the ex, but...

 

I think the point everyone is trying to make is that you need to focus on YOURSELF for a while. Right now you're focused on her, focused on waiting. QUIT WAITING FOR HER. If she comes back, she'll do it in her own time. Meanwhile you torturing yourself isn't going to change the situation.

 

You are your own top priority. NC is for you, not for her. Don't worry about how she'll feel by you going NC - if she cares even as a friend, she will understand. If she doesn't, then her lack of respect isn't something you want anyways. So don't fret about being rude or hurting *her* feelings, you do what you need to in order to heal.

[TaraMaiden2]

I would agree with you, but she has asked me how i am numerous times throughout our break, pretty much like twice a week.

 

Woah... the 'guilt' is strong in that one....

 

This is what i meant by we ended on good terms, we talked thru it all and i fully understand her reason for breaking it off, she wants to be single for the next year so she can find an independent happiness.

In other words she believes she will be happier without you, and doesn't want you as a BF. Neat...

 

She has been jumping from relationship to relationship for years. Mine was a 4 year relationship so if it started out as a rebound it became real later on. She wants to remain friends with me and said we should barely talk for a few months until we heal. But it seems after that that she just keeps messaging me.

So, stop and think why this actually might be.

It MIGHT be because she wants you as a 'soft place to fall'. Her 'option' guy. The one she can confidently count on to be a shoulder to lean on, and a chest to cry on - when her own dating programme goes belly-up. Again. She's lining you up to be her BMF... so she can come crying to you, knowing you'll always be there open-armed to pick her up.

 

Always be wary of someone who makes a rule then promptly breaks it. For their own convenience....

 

In this case idk if its rude to just ignore?

On the basis of what you say in the following paragraph? Hell, no!

 

My emotions are all over the place with this. She did do one mistake which initially ended our relationship which was that she flew states away to see her ex for "closure" while me and her were in a fight and not talking. I found out and ended it but days later i didnt want to throw 4 years down the drain for one mistake where she promises she didnt do anything with the guy, just needed closure. I tried to forgive her and work through it but she was "confused" and acted completely emotionally cold after and wanted a few weeks break to figure things out. This is where we are now but it has turned to a year that she wants to be single which i was expecting. I have found out that she keeps going back up to see the guy while we are broken up which i had to confront her about and she said that they are purely just friends, our break up had nothing to do with him and she had to do this for herself.

 

You believe her?

Why is she clinging to this ex? Didn't she get her 'closure' last time?

By the way, if you read the NC Guide, it tells you quite emphatically that you CANNOT get closure from an ex. This applies to you.

And it absolutely totally applies to her too.

 

So - why is she still hanging on to this guy?

This is so disrespectful of her, towards you. She's dragging you around by the nose, and you're a willing victim....

 

She is starting school now and working like crazy so i know she wont go see him anymore at least til the semester is up. I dont want to be rude to her where it just pushes her more into another man's arms.

You have done nothing to push her into another man's arms. She did that herself - with more than one 'mistake' and keeps doing it. She sees him because she wants to. And it seems you have her seeing him to look forward to... Guaranteed, without a shadow of a doubt, no matter how many times she may deny it - they are screwing around.

And she wants to reassure herself that you will still be there as a buffer.... Jeesh, man, can't you see how she's working you over - ?!

 

 

I love her too much for that. Is it possible for us to get back together a year from now or will we end just up looking at each other again with no feelings?

 

Sure, if you really want to look forward to living your life as her whipping post and doormat...

She doesn't deserve your 'feelings'....

 

That to me is the saddest part

To me, the saddest part is that you can't see how manipulative and selfish she is being, and how she is setting you up as the fall guy....

 

Now that IS sad.

Edited August 7, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[theredpill]

Everybody is an option, it's a mans job to be the best option and to walk away if there's nothing happening. There is nothing wrong with losing yourself, bettering yourself to become the first option once again.

 

Jesus Christ, this world would be a f'kin miserable place if every single breakup reconciliation was crucified like this.

 

Dude, grow a pair of balls, she's either in or she's out, if she's out, block her ass and never talk to her again.

[lolablue17]

I would recommend NC, don't respond at all.

 

If you don't, reply with the same language: Her language is "I will spread meaningless texts, and let him exposing his guts towards me".

 

Did she ask "How are you"? - You can answer "OK".

 

Always answer the short and meaningless reply you can. Although i still recommend NC.

[SwedishJohn10]

My ex broke it off with me about 2 months ago after a 4 yr relationship. After fighting for the relationship for about a week i stopped and went NC. After about a month later she starts texting me and apologizes and hopes to be friends. I told her its too soon for that and she agreed and said maybe we should barely talk for the next few months til we've healed and then work on our friendship. But then after shes been in constant contact with me. Shes always initiating conversation with me if i dont talk to her for a few days or even a few hours. She'll find something to ask or talk about again. Her reason for breaking it off was that she felt we were so young and grew up she never would get the chance to be independent and that she was always invested in me to give her happiness and needed to be on her own so that she can find her own happiness and love herself. Now i dont know what to do here. We have been having light fun convos and when she vents to me i try to cheer her up. I know some ppl on this site would call this breadcrumbs as in its her way of letting go easier. But maybe she wants to remain in contact so that we can get back together after shes been independent for a year or so. Should i bring it up and ask her or just keep going with the convo and maybe move on to flirting? I dont want to pressure her and push her away further. Should i tell her that i cant be friends with her so that i can move on? Does breadcrumbs work both ways? As in we both keep talking but never see each other til we've both moved on.

 

I feel like if i talk to her about this it will ruin the lightheartedness of our convos. It seems like shes been gaining interest at how sweet ive been lately to her family and how ive been improving my lifestlye. To be clear i do want her back, but in which direction increases those chaces? If I tell her i need time to be able to move on and do NC i feel it would force her to move on ruin all my chances and ill always wonder "what if?"

 

I know its a lot of questions but my head has been running and spinning and anyone i talk to gives me mixed advice. I know people here have good advice and experience. Any answer is greatly appreciated!!

[casey.lives]

what's the reason you broke up??

[Gus Grimly]

No way. You are not gonna waste your life waiting for someone who doesn't know what they want. Trust me, her "independence" also means dating other people. If I were you I'd just tell her you need to move on and that you can no longer have a relationship.

 

There's a number of reasons she's contacting you:

• Breadcrumbs to see if you still care and lover her.
  
• She's feeling guilty about the breakup and doesn't want you to hate her so she wants to be friends.
  
• Using you to aid her "loneliness" until someone better comes along.
  
• Keeping you as a backup plan if her plans don't work out.
  

Just a few possibilities. But stop being a victim. Did you always let her get her own way during the relationship? Stand up for yourself. I know you want her back, but you're in denial if you think being friends will eventually lead back to dating. If she wanted you she'd be banging down your door begging for forgiveness. Go NC and stick to it. Move on with your life. Don't be someone's second best.

[quattrob]

What Gus said is true, don't be stupid, staying friends with your ex would only eliminate any possibilities of getting back together. And if you guys did get back together it would only be because she has dated/slept with other guys and realized her backup (you) is the only one left available to her. You'll always be a doormat and she will know this. This isn't really about who has control or power, it's more about treating yourself fair and right. If someone doesn't want to be with you, you should never wait for someone like that. That is one of the most foolish things to do in life. You don't ever wait for "maybes".

[Satu]

Don't waste your time. As soon as she meets someone interesting, she'll forget you exist.

 

And she will meet someone interesting.

[aloneinaz]

When she ended the R/S, she lost all her opportunities to have you in her life. Now, she's simply being selfish and is using you as a "filler" to keep her occupied until something shiny and new enters her life.

 

 

Dude, seriously. Stand up for yourself and say "oh HELL NO!" Since you've been allowing this, next time she contacts you, reply in a short fashion "I'm going another direction which includes no further contact with you. I wish you good luck".

 

 

Then, don't reply to her anymore. VANISH from her life. You'll never get over it if you stay in any contact. Block her on social media as well. She didn't want you in her life as her lover/partner anymore. Let her experience life w/out you now.

[seasickpeeve]

At this point, for your sanity, I would speak the truth and say 'friendship is much too soon. You are either working things out to be together or you are going no contact' and ask for her honest answer and take the first answer she gives.

 

This way there will be no 'what if' and there will be no dragging out his painful process.

[William]

Folks, I merged in three threads on a similar topic so be aware there may be some duplicated content as it appears two of the threads were duplicates cross-posted. Please continue the discussion here. Thanks!