ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I attacked her over the cheating and lies. It was ugly and public. I'm ashamed. I really hate myself for it. I didn't want to ever do it again. This is important. Some people never take accountability for their actions, so it's encouraging that you recognize it was unacceptable and are taking steps to change it. And I think with time you'll come to see that while the way you handled everything was awful, she wasn't exactly a great catch. Lying about things like the number of times one has been married is a deal-breaker, in my opinion.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 This is important. Some people never take accountability for their actions, so it's encouraging that you recognize it was unacceptable and are taking steps to change it. And I think with time you'll come to see that while the way you handled everything was awful, she wasn't exactly a great catch. Lying about things like the number of times one has been married is a deal-breaker, in my opinion. Thanks. I am trying. Sadly, I've been trying a while. I always hate myself after. But I won't stop getting help until I have gotten past it. It's just not right. I feel the same way. She always just played it off like no big deal but I think it's pretty damn important.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Nights are rough. Wake up with anxiety and missing her. I tell myself that I'm better off in the long run, that even though I screwed up I was loving and honest and faithful, and that at least I am trying to get help, while she cheated and lied and can never admit when she's wrong. I still love her though.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 The guilt is shredding me. I don't know how to deal with it.
La.Primavera Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Sometimes love just isn't enough to make a relationship work. From what you have described, this relationship is toxic and unhealthy for both of you. Multiple breakups are usually a sign that it isn't working and that pattern tends to repeat itself over and over again. I understand how hard it can be to let go but in this situation it sounds like a necessity because a normal healthy relationships shouldn't be like this. The best thing you could do for yourself is go no contact so you can heal and move on. You have been living in drama for four years, enough is enough. You don't want to be taking this baggage into your next relationship. Instead of focusing on guilt, use it as motivation to improve yourself to become a better person for your own happiness. You deserve to find a woman who treats you with dignity and respect, and visa versa. Hang in there.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Thanks. I know I made mistakes. I am trying to do better. It's sad. There was real potential there, real love. I wish we could have communicated better. I wish she had stayed in therapy with me. The good times were amazing. But I know I blew up every six months or so, and hurt her a lot all at once. She hurt me a little very often, over and over. I don't understand it. It's just pain now. I really miss her. I'm ashamed of what I did, but not sure if I could have lived with the situation she created by moving out like she did. Sometimes it felt like she was biding her time. I'm babbling. Sorry. I'm heartbroken.
La.Primavera Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Sometimes it is helpful to talk, even if it feel like you are babbling. It would be worse to keep it all inside. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
La.Primavera Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Just remember that as hard as it is right now, you will get through this!
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Thanks. I just wish I could handle the guilt. I know what I did was awful.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 She came to get her stuff last night. Very cold and angry. I thought I detected a little sadness, but she'll never show it. Was helping her and the silence was just too much. Asked if she minded if I made small talk and she said she didn't care but didn't want to talk about "us." I asked if we could talk someday and she said about what? Yeah, it was fun. Got a little humanity when talking about my little niece but other than that, machine. Couldn't get everything in the rental car so she'll have to come back. Very abrupt "bye" when leaving. I broke down when she drove off. I can't process it all. I love her, and losing her is killing me, and I know my outburst was totally my fault and just awful and wrong. But I can't judge everything by that incident, or even the fact that something similar has happened a few times. She has cheated and lied and has run whenever things got difficult. She went behind my back to move out without so much as a discussion. I hate that I suppressed my anger and it all boiled over, and that I made her feel unsafe. But I didn't feel safe emotionally either with someone who could leave at any moment and without warning. I just don't know. I have to get help and control my anger, communicate better and not get drunk. The guilt is massive and missing her is shredding me. I don't know if the relationship had a chance to be be good but I do know that I love her with all my heart and losing her is killing me.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) (Posted twice for some reason) Edited August 15, 2015 by BrokenBrooklynMan43 Dupe
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 Don't know how to forgive myself. Wake up with a panic attack every time, tell myself we both messed up, mine was just louder and uglier. But it doesn't bring her back.
aloneinaz Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 You need to start viewing that relationship with your brain and not your heart. Rationally, you have to know that R/S was toxic and dysfunctional and clearly, not healthy. You two simply were not compatible. Whether you blew up at her or not, it still wouldn't of lasted. As I said in another thread, in all likelihood, you don't miss her but rather, you miss being in a R/S. My last ex and I's relationship was horrible. I should of ended it before she did. The first month was horrible but I kept reminding myself how screwed up she was and I needed to get away from her for good. Yup, it hurt the first month but I started casually dating a couple of months later and it was the best thing I could of done. You'll be fine. Stop putting her on a pedestal. What you wrote about her only demonstrated to me that not many guys would of put up with his BS before kicking her butt to the curb.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 Thanks. Sometimes I question my own perception. Was I too needy? Did I ask for too much? And I kmow what I did was awful. Just hard to get a handle on exactky what is was, and loving her just makes it so hard. I'm trying to motivate myself to start hitting the gym hard. I figure it doesn't require a lot of thought - which I'm not great at right now - and will give me a lot of return for the effort.
aloneinaz Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Thanks. Sometimes I question my own perception. Was I too needy? Did I ask for too much? And I kmow what I did was awful. Just hard to get a handle on exactky what is was, and loving her just makes it so hard. I'm trying to motivate myself to start hitting the gym hard. I figure it doesn't require a lot of thought - which I'm not great at right now - and will give me a lot of return for the effort. If you've exchanged each others things now, there should be no reason for any further contact. I can tell you that the ONLY way I was able to break away from my last crazy ex (who I also LOVED) was going hardcore NC, blocking her on everything and letting time pass. After the first month of NC, my brain had the power to override my heart. I was able to FINALLY get that she was toxic, emotionally unstable and not good for me in any fashion. By month 2, I was dating cause I felt that much better. I met my now 2 year GF several months after our break up and I couldn't be happier. I went from a dysfunctional, toxic relationship where I was constantly walking on egg shells, not know what mood she'd be in from hour to hour to a woman who's NORMAL, loving, emotionally healthy and grateful for me in her life as well. Is it ironic that my stress and anxiety levels haven't been this low in years? Hum..
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 Makes a lot of sense, thanks. I'm just having trouble processing the guilt and my role in it all. And I miss her.
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