BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 We have been together on and off for 4 years. She has left me over half a dozen times, usually over something very small. Around twice a year I have too much to drink and get nasty. A few days ago it was very public and she is ending it with me. I don't remember exactly what I said or did, but if what she says is true I deserve it. I have a real problem with drinking and anger and control and I need help. I am sad and broken and will miss her so much. I really love her. But..... Last year my mother got sick and eventually passed. Right after, I found out that my gf - fiancée at the time - was looking for jobs in L.A. where her ex husband (who has money) lives. I confronted her and she tried to deny it but I showed her the email and she had to admit it. We tried to get past it but had a big fight. She then says she's going to L.A. to stay with friends and "think about us" but guess where she really went? She gets back and is moving out, back to him. We have some email contact and for the first two or three months I'm the devil. Then she starts getting nicer, misses me, loves me, wants to come back, and four months after she left she moves back in with me. Can't find a job (except for one making great money but it's too hard so I tell her to quit) then dabbles in some sales thing that goes nowhere. I support her for six months and lend her some money for bills. Around Christmas I have a drunken outburst and we are in separate rooms, barely speaking for almost two months, with her threatening to leave. We get back together. Up and down for the next few months, Then I catch her looking at apartments behind my back. Ask her not to do that and talk to me instead of just running again. About a month later, she tells me she's moving out in four days but we can still be together. I'm upset but deal and for a month it's okay. Then the outburst I described in the beginning. She's lied about how many times she was married, plus the leaving me for her ex husband and the moving out. She's also lied about other things in her past and there are several shady things that don't add up. She's not very affectionate or attentive usually, her job is more important than me, is critical and a bit of a hypocrite (judges people for cheating but went to her ex behind my back, etc). I love her very much and see a lot of good in her but wasn't happy often and always worried about if she was lying or about to leave again. I have anger issues and hang on to things too long and need not to drink so much if at all. I am getting help. I am shattered by her leaving but am trying to tell myself maybe she's just not worth it. Thoughts?
qubist Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Sorry to hear about your pain. it seems like she is trying hard to leave you but just can't. she tried everything even her ex but just can't get out of her way, She loves you man. that's the unfortunate truth. and you are pushing her away by your problems. I hope you are really working on yourself. why don't you reach out to her and let her know that you love her and you are sorry for acting the way you did and let her know that you are working on yourself and might need he help. 1
aloneinaz Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My thoughts are that relationship is toxic, dysfunctional, unhealthy and should of ended a long time ago. How exhausting, drama filled and emotionally draining could a relationship be? Get some help w/your drinking and anger issues so you can be the best you in your next relationship. 4
Satu Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm going to bypass the relationship issues and just comment on your drinking. You need to strongly focus on your drinking, for as long as it takes for you to completely stop. If you don't it will be a blight on your life forever. You need to get to zero alcohol consumption. Don't think that you can deal with it by yourself., because you can't, and you need outside help and support. Don't think that you can 'cut down to a 'reassonable level' of drinking, because you and alcohol aren't compatible at all. Check out every source of help locally, get on a program, and stay on it. You may not fit the profile of a 'typical alcoholic,' but you have a drink problem nontheless. Make recovery from your drink problem your primary goal in life. Take care. Good luck. 1
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks, but let's say I'm aware of the drinking issue. That's not really why I posted here, in a relationship forum.
kdgsupermom Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I am sorry you are going through a break up...it is never easy. I think you are doing the right thing. It's hard to deal with personal issues while in a relationship. I commend you for recognizing you need help and stepping out to get help...that takes a lot of courage. Now you have time to focus on you and your needs. Once things are better it will open the door for a happier relationship! kdgsupermom 1
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks,folks. I appreciate the replies, and, just like me, they are all over the place. I'm getting help for my anger and my drinking. Sadly, she brought it out of me, but that doesn't excuse it. I am ashamed and need to fix it. I think she loved me but she did some awful things herself. I'm wrestling with how much was my fault and how to survive, because she's ending it. I wish we could try, but it's been such a mess and I'm not sure we could. I really love her and am trying to figure out the best way to handle it all. Suggestions appreciated.
GettingOverItDay2Day Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I agree that the drinking needs to stop before you can rationally assess any relationship issues you have as these seems to be clouding things
Gus Grimly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks, but let's say I'm aware of the drinking issue. That's not really why I posted here, in a relationship forum. No healthy relationship could thrive in the scenario you described. The drinking is obviously having a major effect on your behavior. You said yourself that alcohol has fueled your anger and rage. You should definitely get help with that first before trying to sort out your dysfunctional relationship issues. I'd advise hitting 2 AA meetings a week at the minium. 1
Keenly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Let me give you a piece of advice, might not help now but it will help in the future. Never, ever, ever stay with a woman who can so easily leave, especially multiple times. Leaving you should be an incredibly difficult decision. Anything less on her end means she isn't worth it. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 You two clearly don't work as a couple. At all. It's over, and should be, for both of your sakes. You are doing the right thing by addressing your problems with alcohol and anger. That will create a healthier you and in turn, healthier relationships. She isn't a good partner for you. She lied and you accepted her lies, for whatever reason. You listed a lot of negative qualities about her. It's obvious she's not "the one." Time to let go of her.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Some good advice here, but please stop with the AA stuff. I am stopping drinking on my own and it's not a big deal. My issue was not expressing my feelings and bottling them up. I am addressing the anger issues which are really the problem. I didn't express myself enough, and I need to not let it build up, and I need to not drink at all until I've sorted it out. I spoke to my therapist and he agrees. Not everyone needs AA. I agree that her leaving so easily is a bad thing. It really hurt me to feel so disposable. I was alway willing to work on things. It still hurts though. How do folks get through it?
Keenly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Some good advice here, but please stop with the AA stuff. I am stopping drinking on my own and it's not a big deal. My issue was not expressing my feelings and bottling them up. I am addressing the anger issues which are really the problem. I didn't express myself enough, and I need to not let it build up, and I need to not drink at all until I've sorted it out. I spoke to my therapist and he agrees. Not everyone needs AA. I agree that her leaving so easily is a bad thing. It really hurt me to feel so disposable. I was alway willing to work on things. It still hurts though. How do folks get through it? I know it hurts to feel like she could so easily make that decision, and multiple times to. I know that you are rethinking everyone she ever said she loved you if she really meant it. To be honest, there is really nothing you can do to get through it. You just keep waking up and keep getting out of bed. You rediscover your old interests, or find new ones. All the free time that you have needs to be spent doing something that makes you happy. Once you have the activities that make you happ, keep going to bed, keep waking up, keep getting out of bed. One day, you will realize it's almost time for bed and you didn't think of her once that day. It takes a while to get there, but you'll get there. The less you think about the situation, the less you think about her, the better. Whenever you start to think of her, imagine a really loud buzzer, and a circle with a slash through it. Those thoughts are off limits. 1
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 I know it hurts to feel like she could so easily make that decision, and multiple times to. I know that you are rethinking everyone she ever said she loved you if she really meant it. To be honest, there is really nothing you can do to get through it. You just keep waking up and keep getting out of bed. You rediscover your old interests, or find new ones. All the free time that you have needs to be spent doing something that makes you happy. Once you have the activities that make you happ, keep going to bed, keep waking up, keep getting out of bed. One day, you will realize it's almost time for bed and you didn't think of her once that day. It takes a while to get there, but you'll get there. The less you think about the situation, the less you think about her, the better. Whenever you start to think of her, imagine a really loud buzzer, and a circle with a slash through it. Those thoughts are off limits. This is good stuff Keenly thank you.
BlueIris Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 We have been together on and off for 4 years. She has left me over half a dozen times, usually over something very small. ... I have a real problem with drinking and anger and control and I need help. ... Thoughts? I'm guessing that this is the crux of it. Drinking and anger problems are big trouble. But also, when you say someone left often over "something very small," you're disrespecting that other person, what THAT person thinks and feels is a problem in the relationship. Dismissiveness and disrespect are poison to a relationship.
Keenly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm guessing that this is the crux of it. Drinking and anger problems are big trouble. But also, when you say someone left often over "something very small," you're disrespecting that other person, what THAT person thinks and feels is a problem in the relationship. Dismissiveness and disrespect are poison to a relationship. Sometimes it is really small though. I understand what you mean by invalidating some one like that, but what happens when the issue really is small? When she breaks up because you didn't text back fast enough, what else do you call it? Just an example.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Sometimes it is really small though. I understand what you mean by invalidating some one like that, but what happens when the issue really is small? When she breaks up because you didn't text back fast enough, what else do you call it? Just an example. Exactly, or if you don't even get a chance to discuss it. How could I know it was an issue if it's not brought up, but she just leaves?
BlueIris Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 (edited) Sometimes it is really small though. I understand what you mean by invalidating some one like that, but what happens when the issue really is small? Talk about it and see why it was important to him/her. To use your example, if it was about not texting back, I would definitely want to know why that was important enough to break up over because it would seem small to me. But often, it isn't small to the other person and sometimes it's a last straw situation. Exactly, or if you don't even get a chance to discuss it. How could I know it was an issue if it's not brought up, but she just leaves? I've had that happen- had no idea what angered someone and he left. I pretty much took it as a good sign that the two of us were on such different pages it wasn't going to work. When it seems waaaaay out in left field to me, it doesn't necessarily mean it is to him. Another thought- OP says he has problems with anger. That shuts down open communication. Edited August 11, 2015 by BlueIris
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 I actually only have the anger problems when drinking and not even all the time then. And no one should be discussing serious issues when drinking. I am aware that I am to blame for things going badly and have admitted such. I'd like input on how to deal with it all and honestly how not to take all the blame because that isn't fair.
BlueIris Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I actually only have the anger problems when drinking and not even all the time then. And no one should be discussing serious issues when drinking. I am aware that I am to blame for things going badly and have admitted such. I'd like input on how to deal with it all and honestly how not to take all the blame because that isn't fair. Don’t worry about blame. See things in terms of puzzles to figure out rather than fault or blame and it’s easier to find solutions, make corrections and succeed later- just like in sports. OP, I just got my assed kicked so bad and so big. I have to figure out what I did wrong, adjust and get up and go again. I’m in puzzled stage at the moment (decision handed down today, kinda reeling) but success is possible with change. Same for you. Same for anyone.
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Don’t worry about blame. See things in terms of puzzles to figure out rather than fault or blame and it’s easier to find solutions, make corrections and succeed later- just like in sports. OP, I just got my assed kicked so bad and so big. I have to figure out what I did wrong, adjust and get up and go again. I’m in puzzled stage at the moment (decision handed down today, kinda reeling) but success is possible with change. Same for you. Same for anyone. That makes sense, although the emotional component makes it so hard. I really do love her, and I feel awful about what I've done. It's like I became another person. But I am going to look for solutions. Thanks. Sorry. Hope you're okay.
BlueIris Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 That makes sense, although the emotional component makes it so hard. I really do love her, and I feel awful about what I've done. It's like I became another person. But I am going to look for solutions. Thanks. Sorry. Hope you're okay. Yeah, gotta just love that emotional component. Looking for solutions sounds about perfect. Thanks. I'm fine (still breathing!). Looking for solutions. 1
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Right now my biggest problem is forgiving myself. I feel terrible, and hate how I made her feel.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Right now my biggest problem is forgiving myself. I feel terrible, and hate how I made her feel. What did you say and do during this most recent outburst?
Author BrokenBrooklynMan43 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 I attacked her over the cheating and lies. It was ugly and public. I'm ashamed. I really hate myself for it. I didn't want to ever do it again.
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