cluelessk Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I've been dating a great guy for the past three months and so far have thought things are going well. We met online and had emailed for about two months before meeting in person. We spend a lot of time together (usually the whole weekend) and one night during the week. As we're both in our mid to late 30s, we've also discussed some more serious topics like our values and views on having kids, etc. We also discussed how we were both looking for a relationship and not just a casual FWB kind of thing. There have been a couple of unique considerations for us while dating because he is a cancer survivor and now lives with chronic pain plus a residual cancer-related medical condition that limits his mobility. This hasn't bothered me, it just means that we haven't been able to get out as much as a newer couple normally would. Despite this, I feel we've made a lot of great memories together, having a great time cooking and spending most of our time at his home (I live 40 minutes away and the drive for him would be difficult). I'm more of a homebody myself so this has worked out well. Because of his illness, his family renovated their home so that he has an apartment on the second floor while his mother lives in her own apartment on the first floor. Meanwhile, when we first met, his mother's long-term boyfriend had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. From what my guy was telling me, his mother had taken on most of the responsibility for her boyfriend's care. Over the past few months, he's shared a lot with me about his mom, her boyfriend, and how she was coping in general. Well, his mom's boyfriend passed away last week and though he had been sick, it was still unexpected as he seemed to be somewhat responding to treatment. I hadn't met his mother, a fact that most of my friends thought was odd only because she lives downstairs from him and we spend the majority of our time at his home. Being a private person myself, I would never introduce anyone to my family before the 6 month mark, and given what she was going through, I didn't want to press the issue. But again, a lot of my friends pointed out that even though it's short term now, she was always right there, so why not drop in for a five minute intro? Even more awkward, I felt like I had gotten to vicariously know this woman as I'd heard so many stories about her. I felt genuinely bad when her boyfriend passed and asked my guy how he felt about me attending the wake and funeral. He told me to skip both as he wouldn't even be at the funeral (the chronic pain issues prevent him from sitting through a mass) and that he would only be at the wake sporadically (an all afternoon into evening type of wake and again, because of the pain). To be honest, I didn't feel it was appropriate to meet her at such a sad time, but I grew up in a family where you attend just about anyone and everyone's wakes/funerals! So instead, I baked her some cookies and bought a card; I brought them over to my boyfriend's and mentioned he'd want to get the cookies to her sooner rather than later as I had stored them in a bakery box and was afraid they'd go stale if they sat for too long. That night, I ended up staying later than I had intended and ended up needing to move my car off the street and into their driveway as there is an onstreet parking ban for non-residents in the town past a certain hour. As I was moving my car, my boyfriend brought the cookies and card down to his mom... without even telling me until I had come back up! I thought this was kind of weird... I finally asked him the other night (over the phone) if there was a reason why he hadn't introduced me to his mom yet, kind of in a casual non-accusatory way. He just said, "no, no reason, I guess I just didn't get around to it." I feel like considering how much time we spend together and at his house... it's just starting to feel weird to me. I was caught off guard by his answer and told him I had to go. He then asked if I was mad and I confessed that I was still a little confused about why we hadn't met considering she's always been right there. I explained it didn't have to be a big thing but more of a casual, quick, "This is cluelessk, cluelessk, this is my mom." Random chitchat for five minutes and then moving on... He still didn't offer to introduce me. Am I overreacting? Should I have met her already? Do I need to just calm down? LOL
No_Go Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Calm down. It is just 3 months. It depends on the person. My bf who I also met online introduced me to all his family on month 2. It felt right for him, I attended a funeral of his relative with him at the same time. On the other side, we are at month 5, and I still don't feel like him meeting my family. I want to be 100% sure that we are compatible for the long run first, and second (MORE important), I am just not close with my family. I'm also in my 30s, but never ever introduced a guy to them (I even lived with one and they didn't know about him). I've also broken relationships before because guys were pressuring me to meet my family (and I was really really not ready for it). So my advice: just give him the time to get ready for it. If it doesn't happen within 6-9 months from now, you'd have the right to be worried. But for now... just let it be, and enjoy your relationship. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I'd like you to clarify something for me. You say that you've been dating this guy for three months. But you also say that you emailed online for two months before meeting in person. So are you including those two months of emailing as part of the "dating" process? Or did you email for two months, and then it's been three months of actual dating after that? If it's the first where it's only been three months total - two email and one actual dating, then it's too soon to meet his mom. The emailing has nothing to do w-actual dating. However, if you've known him for five months - two email and three actual dating, that's a different story. 1
Author cluelessk Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Sorry, I wasn't clear. Yes, we had emailed for two months. In person dating for three months for a total of five communicating with each other. Edited August 12, 2015 by cluelessk
No_Go Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Also since you've heard stories about his mom: is she old-fashioned, do you think she's cool with online dating? It could be hard for him to explain your online romance to an elderly person. (haha, I'm almost asking for advice here, since it is something that I'll need to deal with soon) Sorry, I wasn't clear. Yes, we had emailed for two months. In person dating for three months for a total of five communicating with each other. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 It's a bit odd given the living proximity that you haven't met the mom but it's not a deal breaker. The cookies sound like a natural point to introduce you to her even with her grief. So that's odd but maybe he knew she couldn't handle seeing his budding relationship in the throws of her grief. Who knows? Don't freak out but do pay attention. There seem like many natural organic ways to orchestrate this introduction so it should happen seamlessly. 2
Author cluelessk Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) To No_Go : No, I think she's completely fine with the online dating thing from what he's said. His family and friends actually encouraged him to go online especially because it's so physically difficult for him to get out and meet new people face to face. She is very traditional and into her ethnicity, to which I don't belong. However, her daughter in law is the same ethnicity as me and from what I've heard it has not been an issue So I think she is open minded and accepting of others. In your case though, take heart My very traditional parents were a little leery when I told them I was trying this online thing but after awhile they realized that it was probably safer than me meeting some random guy at a bar and not knowing ANYTHING about him before meeting up again.... Hope that helps! Edited August 12, 2015 by cluelessk wanted to address the poster I was responding to :) 1
menyou Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 you are dating him, not her. why complicate things? he will introduce you when he feels appropriate. It really doesn't change anything.
Recommended Posts