mortensorchid Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Last night I went out on an internet date. He seemed like a good guy at first glance, chatty and pleasant to be around for the first few minutes. Then he mentioned his kids. He had a tattoo on his arm with two women's names and dates on them, so naturally I asked about it. These were the names of his first two daughters and their dates of birth next to some symbol that they chose for it. He said the youngest will be filled in after she's 18. Perfect segway, I said "I take it you're divorced?" He said no, he's never been married. He has three kids, with two different mothers. He's actually a grandfather at 43, his oldest daughter just had his first grandchild a few months ago. I deflated after that. I don't mind the fact that he's a grandfather, I do mind the fact that he has three kids with two different mothers that he never married for whatever reason. Not cool. He's a mature screwy. After we parted (nicely), I went home and went to bed immediately after a shower. He has since texted a few times. One came immediately after he got home, another was this morning asking why I have not responded to his other texts, he hoped everything was ok. I have yet to respond to this, I don't know what to think about him at this point, but doesn't that sound a little desperate? I have had some who have called within an hour after our date/encounter and they were only interested in sex and were so blatant about it it was scary desperate. What do you think? 1
kendahke Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 No, it doesn't sound desperate. You're thinking it's such because you're in high dudgeon over his past. 2
Diezel Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Incessant texting? Very misleading. How about you just be honest with him and tell him you weren't feeling the chemistry but thanks for a good time... or something similar? 6
kendahke Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I think I'd be more turned off if he had 3 children by 2 different mothers and didn't take care of them or love them. 6
HereNorThere Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Considering that you don't know all the details, he may just be a guy with bad luck who made the best out of two bad decisions. See, truthfully, men don't have a choice over whether or not a woman gets pregnant. If you're in a long term relationship with a woman, you can wear condoms, but that's about it. I know very people who continue using them in a long term committed situation. Nearly every guy I know has either A) Had a woman lie about being birth control B) lied about being pregnant. Funny part is, most girls I know say they have never known any women to do either thing. I guess women aren't very keen on admitting their "crazy girl" stuff to other women. What does it matter if he was married or not? Would him being divorced really raise his value? Does he have to pay for mistakes he made nearly 20 years ago today? Has he not paid enough? Is he trying to hide something from you? By all accounts, it seems like he cares about his children. Good luck find a single forty something year old without baggage. 4
sunshine2 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I would not call this Incessant texting. I think it was nice of him to text you after the date. Thats normal if you are interested in someone. And in the morning, he was just checking to be sure you were okay. I agree with most replies here. If you are in your 40's or 50's, most people come with some baggage. X's, kids etc. I think it cute that he has two tattoos of his kids and takes care of them. But, if you don't feel anything for him, at least let him know. Don't ghost him or not reply, that sucks.
MissBee Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Last night I went out on an internet date. He seemed like a good guy at first glance, chatty and pleasant to be around for the first few minutes. Then he mentioned his kids. He had a tattoo on his arm with two women's names and dates on them, so naturally I asked about it. These were the names of his first two daughters and their dates of birth next to some symbol that they chose for it. He said the youngest will be filled in after she's 18. Perfect segway, I said "I take it you're divorced?" He said no, he's never been married. He has three kids, with two different mothers. He's actually a grandfather at 43, his oldest daughter just had his first grandchild a few months ago. I deflated after that. I don't mind the fact that he's a grandfather, I do mind the fact that he has three kids with two different mothers that he never married for whatever reason. Not cool. He's a mature screwy. After we parted (nicely), I went home and went to bed immediately after a shower. He has since texted a few times. One came immediately after he got home, another was this morning asking why I have not responded to his other texts, he hoped everything was ok. I have yet to respond to this, I don't know what to think about him at this point, but doesn't that sound a little desperate? I have had some who have called within an hour after our date/encounter and they were only interested in sex and were so blatant about it it was scary desperate. What do you think? You deflated after finding out he has kids with two different women he never married so don't have as much interest in him, hence you haven't responded to his text. It seems a little besides the point to ask if he's desperate, it seems like you're now trying to focus on him texting twice as the "real problem" for your disinterest, when it's perfectly fine to be disinterested by what you originally were turned off from and it would be decent of you to simply let him know gently you aren't interested. But no, I read the title and was expecting a thread on online daters who don't want to meet but want to text you 50 times a day or something, this man texted you at night, then in the morning to make sure you were okay. That is neither desperate nor incessant (do you really think incessant is the correct term for two texts? Incessant is unceasing and that is FAR FAR from it lol). Two texts, one last night and the next the next morning. If I had a decent date and texted the guy and he didn't answer it's possible I might text again in the morning to say I hope he's okay...esp if we parted ways and went home separately (he didn't drop me off) so I didn't know if he actually got home safely or is dead in a ditch. If you don't like him for the reasons you said, go with it, but I think the whole desperate text thing seems to be you finding another fault with him to say why you shouldn't respond, when the first reason was good enough. Edited August 12, 2015 by MissBee
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 That only sounds like two texts to me which I wouldn't call incessant. I have a lot more respect for him than a guy I dated briefly who told me he was divorced and then dropped that his 'ex-wife' wanted to cite me in his divorce (I had only met him twice by then over three weeks and I didn't even think his 'ex-wife' would have known about me - she lived in Germany). He also stated that he didn't want to see his 10 and 13 yr old daughters again and would rather abandon them. I know many couples with children now who are together or not together and were never married, I don't think any less of them for not having got married at all. If two texts and lack of a marriage is too much for you though you don't need to meet him again, just let him know you are not compatible.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 From the title, I thought this was a guy that was blowing up your phone 24-7. However, him double texting asking why you hadn't responded to his first text, could be a warning sign of needy behavior.
xcupid Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 The texting isn't incessant at all. This is a guy who is doing the right thing and showing you he's interested in you. Had he been divorced or single would you have considered this incessant texting? Probably not. The problem you have to wrap your mind around is his fathering two children without being married. It's weird because it's not the conventional way of doing things. Does that make him any less of a father or man because of that? Not in my opinion. If he's there for them and loves them he's doing everything a father would do. He just doesn't have a marriage certificate or the divorce papers. (And let's not forget there are a lot of men who aren't there for their kids and they had marriage certificates.) Consider his qualities and character in this situation - just like you would with any other man. Does he seem irresponsible to you? If it's that big a deal to you then you know what to do.
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 He has three kids, with two different mothers. He's actually a grandfather at 43, his oldest daughter just had his first grandchild a few months ago. When I hear this, I think, "Yep, made some serious bad life choices."
MidwestUSA Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 When I hear this, I think, "Yep, made some serious bad life choices." What? Having three kids and supporting/raising them? Sounds like a 43 year old who is living his life, now starting to enjoy grandchildren. (ps: You don't have to be married to conceive) 7
Author mortensorchid Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 I realize I may have been too hasty when reviewing, and apologize for the misleading title. He seemed like an ok guy, I will give him a try then. 1
writergal Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I realize I may have been too hasty when reviewing, and apologize for the misleading title. He seemed like an ok guy, I will give him a try then. You don't have to give him a chance because people on an internet forum judge you as being too hasty based on what they'd do in your shoes. If his baggage of 3 kids by 2 different moms, whilst unmarried, and being a grandfather doesn't appeal to you -- because it goes against your dating standards which is totally fine -- then you should just be honest with him. You had one date. You don't owe him anything. Just tell him that you're not interested and move on. 4
lino Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 And then some wonder why some guys do the 3 day 'rule'...
Diezel Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 And then some wonder why some guys do the 3 day 'rule'... You can't win either way.
cessna Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 You can't win either way. Agreed. Two texts isn't incessant, it couldn't be further from that. It's fine to not want to take things further with him for whatever reason but at least be decent enough to tell him rather than ignore him. I don't know about other guys but I've had girls ignore me so many times now that it's really put me off dating and finding a girl. Don't be one of those girls.
Author mortensorchid Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Just to review ... He texted me the next morning that he hoped everything was ok as I had not responded to his texts he had sent the same night as the meeting. I responded the next day that I hit the ground running and still running today, chat soon (which was the truth, I had to take my laptop over to my hacker buddy to do some emergency surgery on it and he was also attempting to fix my desktop). He texted back glad to hear, he was thinking I was one of those dine and dash girls. I said we were trying to work on getting rid of this trojan, then that night (Thursday) I had a plan. The next day (Friday) I sent a good morning text, he responded with a good morning. I asked what his weekend plan was - he said he was helping a friend move and going to a birthday dinner for one of his two kids. Sounded like he was busy so I said I also had plans as well (which was the truth, I did do things), and he said he never did ask me, what is it that you're (meaning me) hoping to find with the Tinder app (which is how we met) with us swiping liking each other's pictures? That was on Friday, on Sunday I responded "I am looking for a human connection". That was, quite honestly, what I thought was the best answer. I mean, I don't know this guy, and isn't that why we do most of the things that we do with others? I have not heard from him since. Maybe this is the end of it. If so, no harm no foul.
Qboro90 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Your reply was perfect. No need to say more than that. And no reason to say you're looking for a boyfriend or something like that because that would give him the wrong impression after only being on 1 date. I'd use caution though if I were you with sending good morning texts like you did. If you weren't that interested in this guy but are willing to give it a little longer to tell for sure then texts like that in the AM can send a message that you're more interested than you really might be. That's something a guy would send his crush because he's excited to hang out and wants to talk to her throughout the day. It's nothing major so don't take it that way or think you messed up. Just going forward keep it in mind if this isn't someone your really into. If I'm wrong and you are Into him then disregard all that lol.
candie13 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 hey, OP... dating is so hard. You may have the best of first dates and never hear from the guy again. Or keep LC and still never get asked out. The way I play it is I invest a minimum. I let the guy initiate the texts after the date. I respond in a good positive way, but that's it. I am not suggesting plans or meeting up, nor do I ask what they are up to during the weekend. Some guys are bit more scarier cats and just need the space and the time to do stuff on their own time. I'm happy to roll with it. Maybe this guy felt your lack of enthusiasm. Don't get me wrong, I understand the fact that he is involved in his children's lives, but yes, as a 35 years old single woman, I would be shocked to hear about a guy who had 2 unsuccessful RS and three children on the way and is single. Personally, I have no children so I don't date men with kids. Easier for everyone involved. I am also on the fence when it comes to marriage. I mean... what's next in his life - get new girl and get her pregnant yet again? No, thank you. I mean, yeah, I understand RS end and stuff but.. you don't just father children like that. Stability is most important. Stability, predictability are sexy as hell. Taking your responsibilities as well it's very important. How much is he contributing to the costs of those children? Can he even afford to start a new family? I dunno... to me it's a no no. MAybe I am judgmental. I don't even own a cat, maybe that's making me selfish. Do learn what your dealbreakers are and date according to them. To me, marriage is important. Children are important. I want a partner who not only feels the same but also lives by these values. Other than that, to each their own.
Author mortensorchid Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 It's now noonish the day after I responded to the text, I have not had a reply. I now put him in the "forget about it" pile. Done.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 It's now noonish the day after I responded to the text, I have not had a reply. I now put him in the "forget about it" pile. Done. You came on here saying that you didn't want to see him again because he was unmarried w-kids from two different mom's. So isn't this the outcome you wanted in the first place? It's confusing to me why you started a text dialogue w-him after the date and left things open for a possible second date when you didn't want to see him again anyways. 4
Rejected Rosebud Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I think dating will go alot better if you follow your first impressions, obviously you didn't think this guy is a good match for you (mature screwy you called him!!) so maybe right then you could have told him "no connection" or whatever rather than carrying it further, now it seems like you might be feeling a little rejected by a guy you weren't interested in anyway!! You don't need that!
candie13 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 funny post, ff. I think that is exactly the difference between men and women. Men know where they are with a chick from the beginning - and rather rarely change their mind. Women's thinking about men evolves, it can easily go any direction. And one thing's for sure - the more she thinks / talks about him, the higher the chances she'll give the bloke a chance. Even though, initially he was a no no. That's what I see that sometimes happens to me, anyway .
kendahke Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 funny post, ff. I think that is exactly the difference between men and women. Men know where they are with a chick from the beginning - and rather rarely change their mind. Women's thinking about men evolves, it can easily go any direction. And one thing's for sure - the more she thinks / talks about him, the higher the chances she'll give the bloke a chance. Even though, initially he was a no no. I disagree.. IMO she was looking for a reason to justify her initial impression of dropping him--the time she took was her giving him enough rope to hang himself in her eyes. He really never had a chance.
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