AlurOne Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I've been dating someone for maybe 6 weeks now. She's really sweet and I like spending time together. She tells me how much she likes me, and honestly I get the impression that she is somewhat more into it than I am at this stage. We talk and text very often. However this morning, we were texting and making plans for the weekend, and she starts talking about dating other people. Saying things like she will save her other dates for next week, and I should be going on other dates too. It all had a somewhat tongue-in-cheek tone, but hard to really tell. Now, I honestly don't mind the idea of her going out on other dates, after all we are not in a relationship. I like her quite a bit, but not necessarily trying to tie her down either. But could she have brought that up to get a reaction from me? Up to this point there hasn't been really any game-playing, which is refreshing. I'm not averse to dating others as well, but what do you all think is appropriate? I haven't dated very much since I have been divorced, and maybe I'm just unclear about the protocol? Thanks for any help!
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Yeah sounds like she's putting the feelers out on where you stand. Testing your commitment to her. An invitation for you to open the exclusivity talk. 2
Author AlurOne Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Yeah sounds like she's putting the feelers out on where you stand. Testing your commitment to her. An invitation for you to open the exclusivity talk. Thanks, that was definitely one of my thoughts.
HereNorThere Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I think it's more likely that she's telling you that she only wants to FWB because she can tell you like her more than she likes you. 1
Author AlurOne Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I think it's more likely that she's telling you that she only wants to FWB because she can tell you like her more than she likes you. Thanks! But it's actually the other way around... I like her but I can tell she's more into me than I am into her at this point.
Redhead14 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I've been dating someone for maybe 6 weeks now. She's really sweet and I like spending time together. She tells me how much she likes me, and honestly I get the impression that she is somewhat more into it than I am at this stage. We talk and text very often. However this morning, we were texting and making plans for the weekend, and she starts talking about dating other people. Saying things like she will save her other dates for next week, and I should be going on other dates too. It all had a somewhat tongue-in-cheek tone, but hard to really tell. Now, I honestly don't mind the idea of her going out on other dates, after all we are not in a relationship. I like her quite a bit, but not necessarily trying to tie her down either. But could she have brought that up to get a reaction from me? Up to this point there hasn't been really any game-playing, which is refreshing. I'm not averse to dating others as well, but what do you all think is appropriate? I haven't dated very much since I have been divorced, and maybe I'm just unclear about the protocol? Thanks for any help! I doesn't matter if she was trying to get a reaction from you. And, if she was mentioning dating others as a way of passive-aggressively trying to ferret you out about your feelings toward her, she's not mature enough to open a conversation about it. If you are not prepared to make it an exclusive relationship with her, then accept it and let it be until you do decide and ask her to be exclusive with you. 2
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 It was tongue in cheek. She knows you know she is interested. She is trying to playfully get a gauge for how interested you are in her was all it was. She is looking for just a little bit of reassurance. If you like her arrange that date and tell her you are interested too, if you don't and see this going nowhere then you need to tell her that too. She was being playful, from your post I really think you know this. You need to have a good think and be honest with yourself and her and soon. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 But could she have brought that up to get a reaction from me? Um, YES.>>>>>>>>>> 1
rocketman122 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I would find out if it was true and not let it hang with uncertainty. joke back with her and get the info you need. me personally, im not a multidater and If the person I was dating was, there would be nothing to talk about. I just houdini and disappear. if youre just friends and dont have intentions to be intimately involved thats one thing but otherwise that would be a big hell no for me. Now, I honestly don't mind the idea of her going out on other dates, after all we are not in a relationship. I think you do mind since youre asking. you dont seem set on a direction with her though and that may be the reason she wants to date others. I like her quite a bit, but not necessarily trying to tie her down either. you remind me of the guy who guys on multiple dates but never tries to kiss and it confuses her to whether youre intersted or not and then she will lose interest if youre not giving her a clear signal. you can date with the mindset of taking it seriously but going slow. youre doing a one foot in the door thing. not here nor there. 1
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I would find out if it was true and not let it hang with uncertainty. joke back with her and get the info you need. me personally, im not a multidater and If the person I was dating was, there would be nothing to talk about. I just houdini and disappear. if youre just friends and dont have intentions to be intimately involved thats one thing but otherwise that would be a big hell no for me. Now, I honestly don't mind the idea of her going out on other dates, after all we are not in a relationship. I think you do mind since youre asking. you dont seem set on a direction with her though and that may be the reason she wants to date others. I like her quite a bit, but not necessarily trying to tie her down either. you remind me of the guy who guys on multiple dates but never tries to kiss and it confuses her to whether youre intersted or not and then she will lose interest if youre not giving her a clear signal. you can date with the mindset of taking it seriously but going slow. youre doing a one foot in the door thing. not here nor there. Agreed. OP ,you need to make a decision. I feel it will be a 'nope' as you don't sound interested enough. Don't string her along, step up and say. 2
wb1988 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Yeah sounds like she's putting the feelers out on where you stand. Testing your commitment to her. An invitation for you to open the exclusivity talk. That's absolutely not it. OP think about it and imagine yourself in her shoes, if you like someone why would you tell them to date other people? If she was into you then she wouldn't be seeing other guys, but the fact that she's telling you to also see others means she has zero romantic interest in you. If you think it's a test then you're just rationalizing it and are setting yourself up. She's trying to be a good person so that doesn't happen, don't be dumb and ignore the obvious hint. Edited August 12, 2015 by wb1988 2
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 That's absolutely not it. OP think about it and imagine yourself in her shoes, if you like someone why would you tell them to date other people? If she was into you then she wouldn't be seeing other guys, but the fact that she's telling you to also see others means she have zero romantic interest in you. If you think it's a test then you're just rationalizing it and are setting yourself up. She's trying to be a good person so that doesn't happen but it seems you're too dumb to take the hint. Personally I think you are waaay wrong on this. She was messing to an extent - she wants to know if he is keen or not. She has a lot of romantic interest, that is precisely why she said what she did - she wants to know if it's reciprocated (she asked in a joking manner to make light of it is all). 2
Author AlurOne Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 She was messing to an extent - she wants to know if he is keen or not. She has a lot of romantic interest, that is precisely why she said what she did - she wants to know if it's reciprocated (she asked in a joking manner to make light of it is all). I feel like this might be it. Again, it was texting so it's not always easy to decipher jokes/sarcasm. But I will see her tomorrow night and ask her about it. If she is trying to feel me out, I'll try to get it in the open so we can just have an honest discussion about it. Like I said I havent dated many people since I've been divorced, so I'm out of touch with a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm terrible at taking hints or understanding some nuances, so I don't want to assume something necessarily. Again, thanks for the helpful responses.
Versacehottie Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 That's absolutely not it. OP think about it and imagine yourself in her shoes, if you like someone why would you tell them to date other people? If she was into you then she wouldn't be seeing other guys, but the fact that she's telling you to also see others means she has zero romantic interest in you. If you think it's a test then you're just rationalizing it and are setting yourself up. She's trying to be a good person so that doesn't happen, don't be dumb and ignore the obvious hint. Sorry, au contrarie. Girls do this. We advise our girlfriends to do this when a guy seems on the fence. Good, warm-hearted girls who have lots of romantic interest in the guy they are doing it to (much like the OP described his situation: she's more into him rather than vice versa). Some of us don't mind taking a risk to shake it up a little if the guy's interest does not seem strong enough. It's basically a warning. If you don't step it up, I'm going to start dating other guys and am being asked. That is a typical scenario when you think the guy you DO like is putting his head in the sand like his half-ass efforts are going to be enough because you don't have other options and you know very likely all you need to do is show him you have other options and will use them. Did I miss that she said to see others? I missed that. Sometimes girls will say that rather than say the dreaded: what are we? where is this going? Basically I've been asked out and we are free to date others, right? Assuming if you are a guy you speak much more directly and less obtusely. Girls don't always do that. Games girls play. Or maybe she is truly fed up and considering and not trying to push the OP. Here's the real thing though if she is treating OP like he's awesome but she knows they are not committed, she could date others without saying a word. Speaking up is typically a ploy to get the guy she likes to move in on her. Based on your premise, she can do what she wants without speaking up. So why speak up? Because your premise is likely wrong. The goal is not to open the field up to dating others and be brutally honest with someone she does not have that sort of obligation to anyway. The real goal is to give him a warning. 99% sure. 1
Author AlurOne Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Sorry, au contrarie. Girls do this. We advise our girlfriends to do this when a guy seems on the fence. Good, warm-hearted girls who have lots of romantic interest in the guy they are doing it to (much like the OP described his situation: she's more into him rather than vice versa). Some of us don't mind taking a risk to shake it up a little if the guy's interest does not seem strong enough. It's basically a warning. If you don't step it up, I'm going to start dating other guys and am being asked. That is a typical scenario when you think the guy you DO like is putting his head in the sand like his half-ass efforts are going to be enough because you don't have other options and you know very likely all you need to do is show him you have other options and will use them. Did I miss that she said to see others? I missed that. Sometimes girls will say that rather than say the dreaded: what are we? where is this going? Basically I've been asked out and we are free to date others, right? Assuming if you are a guy you speak much more directly and less obtusely. Girls don't always do that. Games girls play. Or maybe she is truly fed up and considering and not trying to push the OP. Here's the real thing though if she is treating OP like he's awesome but she knows they are not committed, she could date others without saying a word. Speaking up is typically a ploy to get the guy she likes to move in on her. Based on your premise, she can do what she wants without speaking up. So why speak up? Because your premise is likely wrong. The goal is not to open the field up to dating others and be brutally honest with someone she does not have that sort of obligation to anyway. The real goal is to give him a warning. 99% sure. Thank you this is a very helpful perspective! 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 How do you really know she is more into you? This reminds me of all the guys that thought that I was reallh into them than but I was totally on the fence. 2
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I feel like this might be it. Again, it was texting so it's not always easy to decipher jokes/sarcasm. But I will see her tomorrow night and ask her about it. If she is trying to feel me out, I'll try to get it in the open so we can just have an honest discussion about it. Like I said I havent dated many people since I've been divorced, so I'm out of touch with a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm terrible at taking hints or understanding some nuances, so I don't want to assume something necessarily. Again, thanks for the helpful responses. If you like her and see it going somewhere then simply ' you were so mean talking about dating other guys..I would hate that' with a laugh and lots of smiles plus a hug....If you like her something like that would reassure her. Don't be an ar** to her though and not mean it. Be honest if you aren't into it. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I Like I said I havent dated many people since I've been divorced, so I'm out of touch with a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm terrible at taking hints or understanding some nuances, so I don't want to assume something necessarily. This game that I'm sure has been around since the beginning of time. You don't have to assume anything even based on what we have told you. Assess your feelings and give her some feedback. You can't go wrong with that. Be honest. You don't want to miss out on a good girl. But I guess if you're not ready or not feeling it, or open to it, now would be a good time to put it on the table. Oh where is Gary with one of his oneliners about the love of a good woman or whatever he says? Ps I'm saying this because if you do take into account the assumption that based on what happens when you gather your feelings and let's say you decide it's ok to date others because you're not ready to give more. A lot of times what she is really saying is she's given it enough time, she feels like you should know by now and she's kinda fed up/ready to move onto someone who doesn't feel like he's stuck and can't decide about her. So be warned that's a real possibility. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 How do you really know she is more into you? This reminds me of all the guys that thought that I was reallh into them than but I was totally on the fence. Good one. A lot of guys have a tendency to assume this. Another reason to make it known that other guys are asking you out, giving you attention--to correct the balance in the relationship. We do this. Take a risk. Not saying OP has done this but some guys can be cocky as to level of her interest because the girl is very nice, complimentary and available and into it (which doesn't really get the guy to move along). Ahem, some of them shouldn't fool themselves. Some of us make the best of the dates we are on and our interactions but it doesn't mean there aren't other situations going on. 1
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Gary would say something like: If it feels good, go there. If it don't, don't. and it really is that simple. 1
Author AlurOne Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 How do you really know she is more into you? This reminds me of all the guys that thought that I was reallh into them than but I was totally on the fence. I could be completely wrong. It just feels at times like she's trying to push it a little more than me. Thanks again for all the responses. Very helpful.
Versacehottie Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I could be completely wrong. It just feels at times like she's trying to push it a little more than me. Thanks again for all the responses. Very helpful. I'd guess you are right based on what you've written here. Because a lot of girls have a tendency to rush things because that's how we are conditioned which makes it falsely seem like she is more into you. Eternal is talking about actually not being as into certain guys as they believe her to be. Which has happened to me too. I give good date, I guess. Because it's how I'm spending my time; it doesn't always reflect my position on the guy.
wb1988 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Personally I think you are waaay wrong on this. She was messing to an extent - she wants to know if he is keen or not. She has a lot of romantic interest, that is precisely why she said what she did - she wants to know if it's reciprocated (she asked in a joking manner to make light of it is all). Then why would she encourage him to date others as well. If it's a test then it's so stupid. Maybe the OP should just flat out ask if she's testing him and if she says she isn't then he should move on. This type of behaviour is only going to turn a man into a boy. Ladies remember, once you break a guy down you can't build him back up again
Versacehottie Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Then why would she encourage him to date others as well. If it's a test then it's so stupid. Maybe the OP should just flat out ask if she's testing him and if she says she isn't then he should move on. This type of behaviour is only going to turn a man into a boy. Ladies remember, once you break a guy down you can't build him back up again I can vouch for the reasoning and agree with GemmaUK. It's a bluff. She is trying to show that she's cool, she's relaxed, no pressure; while at same time trying to shake him up. There really is no reason to SAY this unless that is the reason as she can do what she wants without saying a word to OP. Listen, it worked to an extent, it shook him enough to come on here and ask about it. And he did have a suspicion that was the reason. It's the way a lot of women communicate due to bad reactions to the "what are we?' conversation. I'm not fully defending it or supporting it, just explaining what it probably is. Regarding the bolded, really? Never thought about this other than basically if a guy makes a commitment or a promise you HAVE to let him live up to it. You can't make him. I'm actually confused by what you mean in regards to how your statement applies to this situation and am curious to know. Could stand to learn something new today. Just on the basics listed here I don't think she is breaking him down. I think she's just going around the problem indirectly rather than directly as most guys are conditioned to do. I don't think it's dishonest. A lot of women don't feel comfortable asking for what they want for fear of scaring the guy away but I do think she's trying to clarify his feelings for her or find out HOW keen he is. There are more ways to doing that than just the way a guy would do it. She's basically starting with the consequence (dating others) and trying to act nonchalant.
usernametaken Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Then why would she encourage him to date others as well. If it's a test then it's so stupid. Maybe the OP should just flat out ask if she's testing him and if she says she isn't then he should move on. This type of behaviour is only going to turn a man into a boy. Ladies remember, once you break a guy down you can't build him back up again Oh come on, are men really so fragile? Pshaw. I think she's just sort of teasing/testing the waters. Who hasn't made the joke about "all my other boyfriends" when asked by a SO "who is texting you now?" 1
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