Miles85 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I truly need help, and advice. Each day feels as if i am walking in quick sands. It seems impossible to get an advice from close friends or family members. They all say the same thing, "come on! She did No deserved you." However, most of them completely ignore how i am truly feeling. This is my story: I met my ex-wife on march 6, 2011. I felt in love with her immediately. Just like me, she was going to school, came from a good family and was a women of faith. She was never the most affectionate person; however, i never allowed her lack of affection to get in the middle of our relationship. I started going to church every weekend, praying before eating and before going to bed. Everything seemed to be perfect. We decided to get marry on august 2012, i know, many people believe that we got married too quick; however , there is not a guideline on how and when to get marry. I gave my all to her. I swear to god that i gave my all to her. A couple month after our marriage, she started treating me like an animal. She would constantly put me down and criticize me for everything. Literally, she would get upset by just me breathing. One day, after her screaming at me, i went to her and i told her, "you have to be cheating on me, there is no way a human being can mistreat another like you do." She remain quiet, and replied: you crazy. On her birthday i planed a surprised party. I invited close friends a family. I took her to my parent's house right after work for the surprise party. When she saw everyone, she told me: are you an idiot? Why didn't you tell me to change clothes? I breathed deeply and counted until 10. A week after her birthday, labor day, she tells me stay here finishing your paperwork, i have to go to the mall really quick, that was at 10:00 am. At 11:00 am, her sister calls me and asks for her. I called her several times and i became worried. A few days before, we both installed find my phone in our iphones. That is an application that tracks your phone if it gets stolen. Once i turned on the find my phone app, i noticed that she was in a house and not in the mall. I quickly got dressed and went to the house. When i got to the house i saw a guy in boxers without a shirt outside of the house. When i confronted her, she lied to me right in my face. That same day i picked up my clothes. Before leaving, i gave her a kiss on her forehead and told her, "i am not leaving you, i am just leaving this relationship." The next day, i checked my phone bills and i noticed that a number would constantly repeat. I called a friend who is a cop, and my friend told me the name of the person and address. Ironically, the person who she was texting with since October 2013, was the same person who she was with. She would text this guy everyday from 7 am - 5 pm. I started counting and she would approximately text this guy 190 times per day. She would send him videos and pictures. I called her and she denied everything, but when i presented the facts, she told me that he was just a friend. It has been a year already, and i am still hurting. Sometimes i want to call her and just speak to her. Sometimes i just need some closure. Is it normal to be hurting a year after. I met a girl 4 months after i left my house. We been together for 8 months already. I really like her, and honestly i truly believe that i am falling in love with her; however, sometimes i miss my ex-wife. Is it normal? Sometimes i think that if i speak to her i will finally be able to close the chapter. Please help me.
912brian24 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 That's some heavy stuff dude! One thing I've learned through my relationships is that closure is really hard to come by these day's! It's completely normal to still feel this way about your ex wife and It's just one of those things man! I know I'm not dropping some Dr. Phil stuff on you right now but just continue to focus on your new relationship and make sure she gets the same man that your ex wife got just make sure you know your own worth and never settle for nothing less! Going to be hard to forget her but try and stick her in the very back of your mind and just keep moving. My dad always tells me to make sure that I'm looking through the windshield and not the rear-view mirror! Good luck brother!
aloneinaz Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 OP, I think you may need to consider some therapy to address your low self esteem and low self worth. I'm not trying to be mean but... most folks who are confident and possess strong self esteem would of told her to f-off and divorced her when she started being abusive the first few months of that marriage. After they divorced, they would of felt massive relief to be away from a damaged person like her. They would of also moved on in their lives. Dated, maybe got into another relationship while also recognizing that sometimes we get unlucky while dating someone.
learnbyliving Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I commend you for apparently remaining calm in the face of all that. I would argue that you do not miss your abusive ex-wife, but you do want closure. Would you choose to be in that relationship rather than with the new girl? I wouldn't think so, so it's not truly missing the ex. But I feel it is common that long after we accept the breakup, we still (irrationally) think about it. I've come to the conclusion that it is often losing control that we cannot accept. In my opinion, there is a false belief that we can regain some of the control if we have 'that final talk' with the dumper or person who forced us to dump them because they treated us poorly. But closure should come 100% from yourself, because it is dangerous to leave your healing in the hands of bad people who may never give you a chance for a final talk.
Author Miles85 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Thanks guys, i truly appreciate your posts. Aloneinaz: a baseball game looks very different from the benches than from the field. ironically, i am a psychologist. I have helped many people; however, it seems almost impossible to help myself. My parents are always telling me, "you are a psychologist," but its like asking a neurosurgeon to perform brain surgery on him or her self.... She was a women of faith, she would go to church 3 times per week (Bible study, young Friday and sermon). She introduced me to God, and although i thought about leaving her many times, i always trusted that god wanted me with her. It would have been easy to just walk away from an abusive relationship; but i didn't. I believe that people are capable to change, and i waited for her change way too long.
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