Hope Shimmers Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Nothing you have said is new or novel. EVERY person who has been in a long-term marriage goes through this. Wanting the "passion" and "rush" of a new relationship. People have written paragraphs to you, analyzing your situation, but your situation is just like everyone's. It's just that most of us don't choose to cheat. 2
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Nothing you have said is new or novel. EVERY person who has been in a long-term marriage goes through this. Wanting the "passion" and "rush" of a new relationship. People have written paragraphs to you, analyzing your situation, but your situation is just like everyone's. It's just that most of us don't choose to cheat. It would depend on how we define cheating or being a part of cheating. That said, there is typically a common thread running through affair situations: WS: wanting something new, different, to "fill" a perceived "void" AP: willing to believe what the WS says and be a party to betrayal BS: perhaps not perfect, but clueless as to the truth of their life and a victim of the devastation 1
qubist Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Nothing you have said is new or novel. EVERY person who has been in a long-term marriage goes through this. Wanting the "passion" and "rush" of a new relationship. I agree with your point, but I think the reason this is a big deal for her has to do with her mind. I think if you just accept it and do nothing other that control it to not cheat is not giving you any satisfaction, of course it is better than cheating, but the problem is relying on that new R spark for passion and happiness is what's wrong whether you are cheat or not. I really think is overrated and fact you will never find that spark again in marriage however there are other satisfying "sparks" that could bring you passion and happiness in married life too 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Nothing you have said is new or novel. EVERY person who has been in a long-term marriage goes through this. Wanting the "passion" and "rush" of a new relationship. People have written paragraphs to you, analyzing your situation, but your situation is just like everyone's. It's just that most of us don't choose to cheat. I understand what I did was wrong. You did the same thing I did but "worse" as you put it. So what do you do now to get that passion fix?
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I agree with your point, but I think the reason this is a big deal for her has to do with her mind. I think if you just accept it and do nothing other that control it to not cheat is not giving you any satisfaction, of course it is better than cheating, but the problem is relying on that new R spark for passion and happiness is what's wrong whether you are cheat or not. I really think is overrated and fact you will never find that spark again in marriage however there are other satisfying "sparks" that could bring you passion and happiness in married life too Exactly. My cheating was verbal, emotional more than sexual, short lived and over. I did get my passion fix. OK. Now looking ahead to the future. I want to stay faithful but still want that spicy something. I think the first I need to know is what does long term relationship passion feel like. Does anyone know??
drifter777 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I think that Tantric Sex will give you the feeling that you want, with your husband, and more besides. It's not your 'bad girl' that wants to get out, but something deeper; yourself as goddess. Look into courses and workshops in your area, and go with your husband. Now this sounds cool! Huh? Where did this come from? This is something that is pursued by very passionate, sexual people who want more than typical sex. OP's husband seems to have a much lower libido than she does so trying to get him fired up to take Tantric classes seems like a non-starter. OP: have you considered erotica? Like really opening up to the fantasies in your head and putting them in writing? You could share them with your husband and it might set off some new sparks in him. If he's not interested or you don't want to share with him then just post them in an Internet forum. Maybe you will find a few other author's to trade naughty stories with and get some sexual satisfaction in this manner. Be sure to keep your husband aware of what you are doing and maybe the two of you can start creating some stories together. I bring this up because you seem to be much more romantic and sensual than simply horny and desperate for a man's sexual attention. If you wanted the whole "sweep you off your feet and make sweet love" with some guy you had the perfect chance and passed it up. You were trading erotica with him and enjoyed it. The problem is you weren't open about it with your husband and you crossed some boundaries with the whole phone call thing. Do it WITH your husband - or at least his blessing - and it might be the outlet you are looking for. 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Huh? Where did this come from? This is something that is pursued by very passionate, sexual people who want more than typical sex. OP's husband seems to have a much lower libido than she does so trying to get him fired up to take Tantric classes seems like a non-starter. OP: have you considered erotica? Like really opening up to the fantasies in your head and putting them in writing? You could share them with your husband and it might set off some new sparks in him. If he's not interested or you don't want to share with him then just post them in an Internet forum. Maybe you will find a few other author's to trade naughty stories with and get some sexual satisfaction in this manner. Be sure to keep your husband aware of what you are doing and maybe the two of you can start creating some stories together. I bring this up because you seem to be much more romantic and sensual than simply horny and desperate for a man's sexual attention. If you wanted the whole "sweep you off your feet and make sweet love" with some guy you had the perfect chance and passed it up. You were trading erotica with him and enjoyed it. The problem is you weren't open about it with your husband and you crossed some boundaries with the whole phone call thing. Do it WITH your husband - or at least his blessing - and it might be the outlet you are looking for. I hear what you're saying. The funny thing about my affair is that the OM kept trying to make it sexual and I kept trying to make it romantic. The truth is I like being romantically seduced much more than I like the actual act of sex. Don't get me wrong I want to have wild passionate sex but I like a nice long seduction leading up to that which is why I'm frustrated. My husband who doesn't really want sex is not going to seduce me.
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 The true practice of tantric arts is not just about sex. In fact, you do not actually have to "have sex" in the traditional sense at all. It is about intimacy and connectedness in a erotic manner.
drifter777 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I hear what you're saying. The funny thing about my affair is that the OM kept trying to make it sexual and I kept trying to make it romantic. The truth is I like being romantically seduced much more than I like the actual act of sex. Don't get me wrong I want to have wild passionate sex but I like a nice long seduction leading up to that which is why I'm frustrated. My husband who doesn't really want sex is not going to seduce me. Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm suggesting that you write erotica and share it with your husband. Tell him you need to express your feelings of romance and sexual fantasy and that writing is one outlet. Tell him you want to post it, anonymously, on an internet Erotica forum and interact - playfully - with other members on that forum. Tell him you want him to be part of this either by helping you with stories or just understanding that it is a non-threatening way to express yourself. If it leads to his libido getting stoked - great. But either way you get to express your romantic fantasies without cheating.
DKT3 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm suggesting that you write erotica and share it with your husband. Tell him you need to express your feelings of romance and sexual fantasy and that writing is one outlet. Tell him you want to post it, anonymously, on an internet Erotica forum and interact - playfully - with other members on that forum. Tell him you want him to be part of this either by helping you with stories or just understanding that it is a non-threatening way to express yourself. If it leads to his libido getting stoked - great. But either way you get to express your romantic fantasies without cheating. Sounds to me like she fears rejection. Heather you have to put it out there in some manner. Sometimes we (men) are, well dumb when it comes to taking hints. Its important that he understands how dire the situation is, and that your mind has turned to other men. If you don't tak control your body and heart will soon follow. You've already crossed some boundaries with this FIRST guy, next time (and there will be a next time if you don't include him in the problem) you will already be closer to a guys bed. 2
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I think writing FOR YOUR HUSBAND is a great idea. I do not think sharing it with strangers - with hubby's approval or not - is a good idea, The EA you just had was online. That is like telling an alcoholic to soothe his addiction with a few drinks now and then. Yes, DKT is right. You have to take the risk. That is one reason I say work on you and make him feel safe first. Those things will make rejection less likely AND help you not to freak if he is hesitant. 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm suggesting that you write erotica and share it with your husband. Tell him you need to express your feelings of romance and sexual fantasy and that writing is one outlet. Tell him you want to post it, anonymously, on an internet Erotica forum and interact - playfully - with other members on that forum. Tell him you want him to be part of this either by helping you with stories or just understanding that it is a non-threatening way to express yourself. If it leads to his libido getting stoked - great. But either way you get to express your romantic fantasies without cheating. I did hear what you said. I will ask him and see what he thinks.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Sounds to me like she fears rejection. Heather you have to put it out there in some manner. Sometimes we (men) are, well dumb when it comes to taking hints. Its important that he understands how dire the situation is, and that your mind has turned to other men. If you don't tak control your body and heart will soon follow. You've already crossed some boundaries with this FIRST guy, next time (and there will be a next time if you don't include him in the problem) you will already be closer to a guys bed. When I told him I flirted with the guy I was pretty honest about letting him know that I don't feel sexually satisfied. And this past weekend when sex when bad because he didn't want to take the blue pill "because it gives him a headache" I said again I really think having sex once a week is important. He said "yeah I know next weekend will be different." I gotta tell you his attitude isn't exactly charming the pants off me.
Satu Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Huh? Where did this come from? This is something that is pursued by very passionate, sexual people who want more than typical sex. OP's husband seems to have a much lower libido than she does so trying to get him fired up to take Tantric classes seems like a non-starter. OP: have you considered erotica? Like really opening up to the fantasies in your head and putting them in writing? You could share them with your husband and it might set off some new sparks in him. If he's not interested or you don't want to share with him then just post them in an Internet forum. Maybe you will find a few other author's to trade naughty stories with and get some sexual satisfaction in this manner. Be sure to keep your husband aware of what you are doing and maybe the two of you can start creating some stories together. I bring this up because you seem to be much more romantic and sensual than simply horny and desperate for a man's sexual attention. If you wanted the whole "sweep you off your feet and make sweet love" with some guy you had the perfect chance and passed it up. You were trading erotica with him and enjoyed it. The problem is you weren't open about it with your husband and you crossed some boundaries with the whole phone call thing. Do it WITH your husband - or at least his blessing - and it might be the outlet you are looking for. Tantra is one of the best ways there are for unlocking a person's passion and allowing it to be fully felt and expressed. 1
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Tantra is one of the best ways there are for unlocking a person's passion and allowing it to be fully felt and expressed. True. It is simultaneously soothing and spiritual and erotic and intimate. Whoever said "goddess" upthread was right. 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Tantra is one of the best ways there are for unlocking a person's passion and allowing it to be fully felt and expressed. Sounds fantastic...LOL! I'm going to google it. 1
DKT3 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 True. It is simultaneously soothing and spiritual and erotic and intimate. Whoever said "goddess" upthread was right. He would have to be open to it. The more Heather posts, the more I think this guy is hopeless. Maybe her conversation she be about how he doesn't get to decide the marriage will be sexless on his own. Maybe its time to explore more difficult decisions. 2
drifter777 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 He would have to be open to it. The more Heather posts, the more I think this guy is hopeless. Maybe her conversation she be about how he doesn't get to decide the marriage will be sexless on his own. Maybe its time to explore more difficult decisions. Not necessarily hopeless. She needs to tell him how dissatisfied in the bedroom she is and that he needs to give her more. And I mean forceful enough to scare him a bit. If a man is satisfied with the sex he is getting he won't change anything until he has to. She has to hit him over the head for him to realize he needs to put out more or he's going to lose the nookie he has. My suggestion of writing erotica and sharing it with hubby is more for scratching her itch for romance and fantasy. Maybe her sharing erotica on some forum is not a great idea, but I think the two of them writing a story together and then posting it for some naughty fun would be great. I don't care what some other poster's say - tantrum is a big leap for a guy who has a low libido. Once you two crank it up a couple notches you could try it but by then you could be getting all you want. 1
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Heather, I was married for a long time to an almost asexual man. When you cheat due to the starvation, it gets complicated. I think it is fine to say how much you desire and need him to step up to the plate. Alongside really working on yourself. My initial stranger advice would be to really work on yourself and trust for 6 months. At that point, I would begin being very open and firm, but kind about your needs. Frame it as positively as possible. If there is no consistent change, I would say you want counseling with a therapist that deals with sexual issues in marriage. If he refuses or it does not help, then I would make it clear (if this is how you feel) that a sexless/passionless/onefleshless marriage is NOT an option for you. My very personal opinion is that getting your needs met by including someone else (like chatting or flirting or trading sex stories with a stranger) not only jeopardizes your marriage but, quite frankly, lets your H off easy. HE NEEDS to be the one to step up and make love to his wife. Farming it out to someone else because he can't be bothered really shouldn't be an option. That to me is a sign of a man who doesn't think his wife is important enough to try. 1
Satu Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) True. It is simultaneously soothing and spiritual and erotic and intimate. Whoever said "goddess" upthread was right. Yes, it is just what you said. It was me who mentioned goddess. It's about removing all the barriers and limitations. When you do that, you become the pure essence of femininity/masculinity. Edited August 12, 2015 by Satu 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Yes, it is just what you said. It was me who mentioned goddess. It's about removing all the barriers and limitations. When you do that, you become the pure essence of femininity/masculinity. I'm a really sexual/sensual woman. I take amazing care of myself and love to do so. The feedback everyone gives me is very helpful. I want to be able to be as sexual as I can with my husband but he's going to have to kick it up a notch. Truth is, even if he doesn't I won't divorce him. I'm a SAHW and I WILL put up with a sex starved marriage if needed. I'm going to completely dedicate myself to being the perfect wife that any man would be proud to call their own. I'm going to keep the house cleaner, improve my cooking skills and continue to keep up my looks (which I like doing anyway.) I'm going to be less critical and kinder to my husband and never disrespect him again by flirting so much with another man online or in real life (never did so IRL.) I'm going to hope for the best and maybe it will all work out. (And if it doesn't I'll just take more naps ) 1
Satu Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I'm a really sexual/sensual woman. I take amazing care of myself and love to do so. The feedback everyone gives me is very helpful. I want to be able to be as sexual as I can with my husband but he's going to have to kick it up a notch. Truth is, even if he doesn't I won't divorce him. I'm a SAHW and I WILL put up with a sex starved marriage if needed. I'm going to completely dedicate myself to being the perfect wife that any man would be proud to call their own. I'm going to keep the house cleaner, improve my cooking skills and continue to keep up my looks (which I like doing anyway.) I'm going to be less critical and kinder to my husband and never disrespect him again by flirting so much with another man online or in real life (never did so IRL.) I'm going to hope for the best and maybe it will all work out. (And if it doesn't I'll just take more naps ) He's a lucky man Try to encourage him to open up sexually, and get a bit crazy with lust. It's there inside him - it just needs to be activated. 1
Popsicle Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Beware... once you've had an A, you'll mysteriously start attracting more and more married men. It's annoying.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Beware... once you've had an A, you'll mysteriously start attracting more and more married men. It's annoying. Popsicle why do you say that???
autumnnight Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Popsicle why do you say that??? It's bull. You change, turn from this, get really strong boundaries, and this won't happen. 3
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