My Cheating Heart

[Heatherknows]

Recently, I had an online emotional affair with a MM. It was brief and stupid I have a thread describing it if anyone is interested. But I'm moving on from being hooked to figuring out why this was something I played a part in which I will admit started prior to ever meeting this OM. The problem started with me. I will give you my story and I want to hear yours if you'd like to share.

 

I've been married 14 years now. No kids. I'm middle-aged and not quite as pretty or sexy as I once was. I spend a lot of time alone and feel more comfortable interacting with nature than with others. I'm a bit of a hermit I suppose. My life revolves around shopping, cleaning, cooking, gardening, working out and pet care. I've tried working but I'm not able to handle a full time job due to my depression and anxiety. Plus, my earnings are so low that it's actually better if I don't work at all and concentrate on being a housewife. My life is simple and good.

 

I have a bad girl side that I'm rarely able to explore because sex between me and my husband hasn't been passionate. I met a guy online whose hobby is to seduce women for fun. I was a game he played well. However, I wanted to play the game. I was yearning for some passion and excitement and he gave it to me. Unfortunately, I became hooked easily and wanted more of the drug he was supplying but in a safe manner. I didn't want to take it to real life but I wanted the phone calls and emails to continue and to increase and get more graphic as I got to know him. He wanted real life sex and dumped me when he realized that wasn't going to happen. His end game was different than mine.

 

So now I'm left with the question of my own morality. What kind of person am I that l long for such things? And how to I stop longing for them?

Edited August 12, 2015 by Heatherknows

[gettingstronger]

Why can't you explore your bad girl side with your husband? Start off simple- a sexy text here or there- watch some erotica together- ?

[Heatherknows]

Why can't you explore your bad girl side with your husband? Start off simple- a sexy text here or there- watch some erotica together- ?

 

I've been trying to get my husband to be more passionate. I do however, miss being seduced.

[qubist]

Heather, I followed your story since the intial post, this is a good sign that you 1 realize your A was wrong and 2 that you are concerned about your behavior.

It all start by being honest with yourself which you've already achieved now act on it too and be honest with your acts too. I'm assuming that you love your H and want to be with him the rest of your life, if it's not the case just ignore what I'm about to write.

Talk to H about the lack of passion, you know him better so do not offend him just put it in a way that you need his help. There could be things that he can do or learn to do but he is not aware of. Understand that somehow expectations could be set too high , in fact you are lucky the OM was a predator and not some innocent romantic guy it would've confused you a lot more

[autumnnight]

I think one thing that can interfere with a WW's recovery especially is that when the horror at what they did wears off...the find themselves "in withdrawal" from the feelings of being desirable that the OM gave them. THIS is when the temptation to push for too much too soon from their BH can kick in. There is A) no way a long term H can exactly replicate that particular "forbidden excitement" feeling and B) no way a very recently betrayed husband can process instant dramatic improvements to a marriage.

 

My advice is to put the expectations of instant renewed passion on hold and concentrate on working on yourself and helping your H process the betrayal. THAT kind of unselfishness and help for your H is much more likely to result in the possibility of real long term passion and intimacy than trying to work on "passion" so soon after a D-Day.

 

Yes, it is hard to be patient and go without that rush...but the rush was a false high, and it is better to get that out of your system than try to "replace" it.

 

Just my 2 cents

[jenkins95]

Hi Heather

 

Having read many of your other posts, it's fascinating to read this one as it gives more of a full perspective of you.

 

You seem like a lovely person and I think that your bad girl side is not at all a bad thing. Let's face it, we all have fantasies. And I wonder if there is a single marriage in the world where the fantasies don't harmlessly occassionally involve people outside the marriage. How many MM fantasise about the top actors, models, etc. The same for women. We even jokingly admit it to each other.

 

How many married people watch porn, read (well - look at, who ever reads them!) porn magazines, read sexy books - either together, or with friends or alone. I know for a fact that my own uncle - a great faithful man and wonderful father - kept a stash of this stuff under his bed. I discovered it when I was about 8! Whether or not my auntie ever knew or approved, I don't know, but it never made me feel any less for him. It's just inside us and part of what we are.

 

I guess it becomes dodgy when it involves interactions with real other people. You flirted online, but you were 100% sure you didn't want it to go physical, and you maintained that. But there are dangers - you can never be totally sure what the other person wants or feels, whatever they actually say. And feelings can develop. My A was initially very simple chatting, extremely light flirting, not at all sexual, and I was 100% sure that I wanted nothing more. But I was weak and naive and it did develop into an A.

 

I see your difficulty because you want the the fantasies to be about YOU, just like I did. Watching other people in a porn film has never held any interest to me, because it's about other people. You and I want other people to make us feel sexy and wanted, and not to watch other people's fantasies. I daresay there are flirting sites with rules that it is 100% anonymous and online and that members are forbidden to ever meet? But even in this real people and real minds are at work, and it's really best to stay away unless you are really sure you can be strong and treat it 100% as fun.

 

It would be great if you could gently coax your H into being a bit more sexy like this. Perhaps he's shy, inexperienced and naive? Or is it that he has a low libido and not particularly interested in sex? Sorry - very personal questions and I don't expect you to answer. It would be wonderful if you could unlock this in him.

 

If he is really not interested, do you think he would understand if you wanted to do some completely fun, no-strings, harmless flirting on the internet? He could even watch you and post with you possibly - could even awaken something in him?

 

Good luck! You deserve some happiness and excitement in your life.

Edited August 12, 2015 by jenkins95

[Furious]

I've been trying to get my husband to be more passionate. I do however, miss being seduced.

 

There's a difference in being in love and loving. Being in love is a fantastic stage in a relationship, but it's not reality based, being in love is a feeling and loving is a choice.

 

You seem to be in a mid life crisis, as you said in your opening post, it's as though you have placed a great deal of your identity in your looks and aging has crept up on you and you're unhappy with yourself unless you feed your ego with attention.

 

You know your husband loves you, maybe a compliment from him doesn't have the same thrill than a compliment from other men. You husband loves you but you want him to be in love with you, and basically it's your ego that puts more emphasis your appearance than what is in your heart.

 

You are beautiful, and your most beautiful feature is in your heart and soul. We all age, we all are more than what's on the surface. Intead of swimming in a shallow pool, how about connecting with the ocean in ourselves.

[Heatherknows]

Heather, I followed your story since the intial post, this is a good sign that you 1 realize your A was wrong and 2 that you are concerned about your behavior.

It all start by being honest with yourself which you've already achieved now act on it too and be honest with your acts too. I'm assuming that you love your H and want to be with him the rest of your life, if it's not the case just ignore what I'm about to write.

Talk to H about the lack of passion, you know him better so do not offend him just put it in a way that you need his help. There could be things that he can do or learn to do but he is not aware of. Understand that somehow expectations could be set too high , in fact you are lucky the OM was a predator and not some innocent romantic guy it would've confused you a lot more

 

I do love my husband; not only is he a great person, he's my best friend. The passion is the only part of the marriage that isn't good. You're right about the other man being a predator and not an innocent romantic guy: that would have been real trouble. And I have a feeling that the OM might be bisexual but in denial. The bodybuilding forum where he posts excessively has lots of gay men posting. He comes across as someone who "hates" homosexuals which is an indicator that he's probably got some issues in that area. Why else would he post tons of pictures of his body that he KNOWS gay men look at? And why would he spend all kinds of money traveling around the country to meet with these men? The whole thing gets more and more strange. Here is a man who is so into his body yet has a wife who is very out of shape and unattractive. She looks more like his mom than a mate. In the pictures she has posted he has her arm around her in a friendly way. They don't come across as a couple. I already know the guy is a liar and a cheat he's probably lying to himself about lots of stuff.

 

But that's besides the point. My problem is moving away from him to moving to my issue which got me into the mess to begin with. It's hard to recreate that same passion feeling you get when you meet someone new. I want to recreate some of it if I can. I am very romantic and want to feel desire in my marriage.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Heatherknows

[Heatherknows]

 

If he is really not interested, do you think he would understand if you wanted to do some completely fun, no-strings, harmless flirting on the internet? He could even watch you and post with you possibly - could even awaken something in him?

 

 

He would hate me flirting with other men and I know myself. I would only want to flirt with attractive men I felt a connection to and then I'd start bonding with them and the trouble will begin again.

 

I need to find ways to get my husband to want me the way I think other men do.

[autumnnight]

I need to find ways to get my husband to want me the way I think other men do.

 

Before this, you need to do working on yourself to identify - BEYOND what you need from your husband - why you chose to go outside your marriage. Then you need to continue restoring trust with your husband (which cannot be done with any continued lying).

 

THEN it will be time to mutually work on marital issues. I know you think Passionate Husband=immune to an affair. It is rarely that simple.

[Heatherknows]

There's a difference in being in love and loving. Being in love is a fantastic stage in a relationship, but it's not reality based, being in love is a feeling and loving is a choice.

 

You seem to be in a mid life crisis, as you said in your opening post, it's as though you have placed a great deal of your identity in your looks and aging has crept up on you and you're unhappy with yourself unless you feed your ego with attention.

 

You know your husband loves you, maybe a compliment from him doesn't have the same thrill than a compliment from other men. You husband loves you but you want him to be in love with you, and basically it's your ego that puts more emphasis your appearance than what is in your heart.

 

You are beautiful, and your most beautiful feature is in your heart and soul. We all age, we all are more than what's on the surface. Intead of swimming in a shallow pool, how about connecting with the ocean in ourselves.

 

You're very insightful. I do like an ego boost but it's more than that. There are a rush of chemicals infiltrating my head when I'm being seduced. I knew the guy was seducing me from the very start and I liked it. I flirted back. Seduced back. He played games, I tried to win them and spent too much time trying to figure out how to win them and never won crap. LOL.

 

I want to be a better person that doesn't swim in that shallow pool. But do I HAVE to give up passion? I know that's being immature but I still want that feeling. I'm no longer in contact with that OM and don't want any more "affair" partners but I also want passion. This is sad.

[DKT3]

You're very insightful. I do like an ego boost but it's more than that. There are a rush of chemicals infiltrating my head when I'm being seduced. I knew the guy was seducing me from the very start and I liked it. I flirted back. Seduced back. He played games, I tried to win them and spent too much time trying to figure out how to win them and never won crap. LOL.

 

I want to be a better person that doesn't swim in that shallow pool. But do I HAVE to give up passion? I know that's being immature but I still want that feeling. I'm no longer in contact with that OM and don't want any more "affair" partners but I also want passion. This is sad.

 

No you don't have to give up passion. But I fear passion isn't what your looking for. You want NEW. I think what you're searching for is the rush of a new relationship where everything is exciting and different, were you're having someone push your boundries and taking you out of your comfort zone. That isn't passion and its something that you will likely never re-create with your husband.

 

Now your husband can still woe/seduce you, but it appears you're going to have to spark it.

[autumnnight]

Now your husband can still woe/seduce you, but it appears you're going to have to spark it.

 

This is true. Since YOU are the one at this point craving the passion, you have to make the first move toward change. Which may kind of mean wooing and tempting HIM.

 

Then, when he reciprocates, admire and compliment him like crazy. This probably sounds cliche, and no it isn't universal, but it is my experience that the more you make a man feel LIKE A MAN and sexy, the more passionate he in turn becomes.

[Furious]

You're very insightful. I do like an ego boost but it's more than that. There are a rush of chemicals infiltrating my head when I'm being seduced. I knew the guy was seducing me from the very start and I liked it. I flirted back. Seduced back. He played games, I tried to win them and spent too much time trying to figure out how to win them and never won crap. LOL.

 

I want to be a better person that doesn't swim in that shallow pool. But do I HAVE to give up passion? I know that's being immature but I still want that feeling. I'm no longer in contact with that OM and don't want any more "affair" partners but I also want passion. This is sad.

 

Be honest, you're ok with wanting passion with strangers in the comfort of your marriage.

 

If passion is this important to you, why not get divorced and be free to pursue as much passion as you want?

 

Your husband will survive, I doubt he'll have any problem with finding new love too. it's ok to let him go, and maybe that's the best for both of you.

[autumnnight]

You're very insightful. I do like an ego boost but it's more than that. There are a rush of chemicals infiltrating my head when I'm being seduced. I knew the guy was seducing me from the very start and I liked it. I flirted back. Seduced back. He played games, I tried to win them and spent too much time trying to figure out how to win them and never won crap. LOL.

 

I want to be a better person that doesn't swim in that shallow pool. But do I HAVE to give up passion? I know that's being immature but I still want that feeling. I'm no longer in contact with that OM and don't want any more "affair" partners but I also want passion. This is sad.

 

You are very early in this, which is why you see it as an either/or. It really does not have to be. But passion with an established partner isn't going to just "happen." YOU have to work at it. And while it may be "fun," new passion is shallow. It is shared with someone you do not really know and who does not really know you. It is like eating junk food from the snack machine because you don't want to take the time to cook a great meal.

 

That is exactly what an affair is, it's a process, nutritionally empty, preservative-filled, artery-clogging cheap snack from a snack machine. Your marriage can be a gourmet dinner.

[Hope Shimmers]

Sorry, but you are just like every other woman who has been married for a decade or more. Everyone feels that way when they are in a long-term marriage. They want newness and the passion that goes with it.

 

If you want to stay married, then you find a way to get that with your husband. If you don't want to stay married, then you find it outside of your marriage. It's that simple.

[autumnnight]

I'm wondering is every FWS has had the same inner conflict as the OP early in recovery. Everything is so simple years after the fact, but I would bet every FWS probably had some hiccups and less than perfect thinking in the beginning.

[qubist]

No you don't have to give up passion. But I fear passion isn't what your looking for. You want NEW. I think what you're searching for is the rush of a new relationship where everything is exciting and different, were you're having someone push your boundries and taking you out of your comfort zone. That isn't passion and its something that you will likely never re-create with your husband.

 

Now your husband can still woe/seduce you, but it appears you're going to have to spark it.

I agree with some of this. I think she does want passion but deep in her mind she attached passion with NEW relationship. which is wrong

Heather, you are bit confuse, trust me, you can find it within your R if you look for it and if your H is willing to work with you. you just found it easier to see it when other men complement you. you said in one of your replays that you H can never seduce you like other men do, you know why? because other men ore seducing you to " HIT and RUN" your H can never do that he is "stuck" with you for lack of better term. what I'm trying to say is that you are settling for the easiest path when looking for passion rather than the hard work of digging for it in your M. this could be a result of many things that only a professional therapist can help you find out. it could be something temporary like a midlife crisis. but it could be nothing but confusion which I think is the case for you.

Remember you can try by yourself get your H involved start with an honest conversation about you needs, you described him as a "great guy" and great guys help their loved ones. do not waist you energy thinking too much about this it will only depress you more just ACT ON IT

[Heatherknows]

I'm wondering is every FWS has had the same inner conflict as the OP early in recovery. Everything is so simple years after the fact, but I would bet every FWS probably had some hiccups and less than perfect thinking in the beginning.

 

Yes. I think those (myself included) who have engaged in extra martial activities have unrealistic notions about marriage. I did think I'd have a marriage where the couple walks into the house and rips each others clothes off and has sex right in the living room because they can't wait to get upstairs. I never thought I'd hope my husband has sex with me at least once a week. I thought I'd have a husband who'd want it all the time and I'd be pushing him away for some breathing space.

[autumnnight]

Yes. I think those (myself included) who have engaged in extra martial activities have unrealistic notions about marriage. I did think I'd have a marriage where the couple walks into the house and rips each others clothes off and has sex right in the living room because they can't wait to get upstairs. I never thought I'd hope my husband has sex with me at least once a week. I thought I'd have a husband who'd want it all the time and I'd be pushing him away for some breathing space.

 

I mainly meant that it is easy when you have been recovered for years to tell a newbie they ought to be able to snap out of it yesterday or they are hopeless. It takes time to get thinking back on straight again.

[Heatherknows]

No you don't have to give up passion. But I fear passion isn't what your looking for. You want NEW. I think what you're searching for is the rush of a new relationship where everything is exciting and different, were you're having someone push your boundries and taking you out of your comfort zone. That isn't passion and its something that you will likely never re-create with your husband.

 

Now your husband can still woe/seduce you, but it appears you're going to have to spark it.

 

Yep! That's what the guy did! He would ask questions that were inappropriate and it got me excited. I started to think "Hmmm should I answer this question? IDK if I do it's wrong but if I don't answer it then maybe he'll lose interest and stop asking..don't want that...but I should want that...but I don't want that..."

 

I'm trying to spark stuff with my husband. I am doing my part. When we go out I dress nice and he notices other men looking at me and tells me so. In the house I dress cute. He will give me compliments. He does gaze at me and says "you're so pretty" but why isn't he ripping my clothes off???

[Heatherknows]

I agree with some of this. I think she does want passion but deep in her mind she attached passion with NEW relationship. which is wrong

Heather, you are bit confuse, trust me, you can find it within your R if you look for it and if your H is willing to work with you. you just found it easier to see it when other men complement you. you said in one of your replays that you H can never seduce you like other men do, you know why? because other men ore seducing you to " HIT and RUN" your H can never do that he is "stuck" with you for lack of better term. what I'm trying to say is that you are settling for the easiest path when looking for passion rather than the hard work of digging for it in your M. this could be a result of many things that only a professional therapist can help you find out. it could be something temporary like a midlife crisis. but it could be nothing but confusion which I think is the case for you.

Remember you can try by yourself get your H involved start with an honest conversation about you needs, you described him as a "great guy" and great guys help their loved ones. do not waist you energy thinking too much about this it will only depress you more just ACT ON IT

 

I love this post. Thank you. "Hit and Run" is EXACTLY what this guy intended to do to me which is why I was smart enough to say no to meeting him in person. If I met him in person I would have lost everything.

 

I am confused about how to infuse passion in an already established marriage. What does passion with someone you've been with for so long feel like?

[Satu]

I think that Tantric Sex will give you the feeling that you want, with your husband, and more besides.

 

It's not your 'bad girl' that wants to get out, but something deeper; yourself as goddess.

 

Look into courses and workshops in your area, and go with your husband.

[qubist]

I love this post. Thank you. "Hit and Run" is EXACTLY what this guy intended to do to me which is why I was smart enough to say no to meeting him in person. If I met him in person I would have lost everything.

 

I am confused about how to infuse passion in an already established marriage. What does passion with someone you've been with for so long feel like?

you have no idea how fortunate you are you didn't meet with him he would have "hit and Run" over you life. i really think that you have some integrity otherwise you would have fell for it. some people think that the fact you were engage in such an A means that you lack morals and integrity which is not always the case. if you were a bad person you would have been in "hit and run" business already. with that being said I also think you are somehow confused. I can never know how, I can only guess. and I'm guessing you are either depressed or have hormonal changes that are affecting you mental state. I'm not by any way an expert psychologist I just happened to have read a lot about human behavior. if you want trust an honest advise, seek out your H first, don't even have to admit you 'adventure" at lease not yet. just reach out to him in a way that you are desperate for his help. he might not now what you mean or how to help but trust me it will be a start. it would be preferable if you also seek professional counseling too

[Heatherknows]

I think that Tantric Sex will give you the feeling that you want, with your husband, and more besides.

 

It's not your 'bad girl' that wants to get out, but something deeper; yourself as goddess.

 

Look into courses and workshops in your area, and go with your husband.

 

Now this sounds cool!