swanny55 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Hi I have a facebook friend ( i am 60 she is 31 )who I met before we were f/b friends we went skiing,horse riding,mountain bike riding,the last trip was for 10 hours.My wife knows about her as she was her friend first.when I met her she was having an english lesson ( we are english but live in poland ) the quiz was who would you take to dinner it was your last night my wife said tom cruise her friend give me a kiss and said me.Hmmm this was the start of a very strange friendship,As I said skiing etc .My wife can but not do these things and understands I need to.But what started as hi how are you 2 or 3 times a week turned into good morning vincent then 200 msg good night vincent 30,000 msg in 8 months we/I got too involved and it became an addiction we had to talk.The next thing she is going on holiday and will not contact me so the friendship ended I did not take it very good not any of my 3 wives ever got as close as this girl there would never have been any sex or kissing as when we were out for the first time she said mmmm I only like married men/older men so I told her do not cross the line its only friendship later I found out she is gay never had sex with a man but now she has a partner and I am history the problem is she is coming back of holiday and wants to talk I have said 1 or 2 times a week is the best as she hurt me so badly or do I block her and move on please help and understand
cerridwen Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Block her, Swanny. Block her then block her again. Clearly, you've become emotionally invested with this woman which renders this friendship inappropriate. You're a married man. You couldn't possibly share everything you have written here with your wife, so that should tell you this has to stop. Do I think you have a lot to lose should you continue to entertain this other woman? Definitely. Do I think this friend is all over the place and wants attention and validation from you first and foremost? MOST definitely. She sounds flighty and still in search of herself. Block her. Block her hard and refocus on the friendship between you and your wife.
cerridwen Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Double post. But ETA : Have you considered where this is all leading? Have you thought about the end result of keeping this woman around? Not just the immediate gratification. I encourage you to play it all out in your head using the facts as they are Resist idealizing. Think about if you begin talking to her again, getting re-attached, how this impacts you personally, and your marriage as a whole. Do you envision the friend reverting back to heterosexuality. Are you happy to be the on-again, off-again older male orbiter? Sometimes it helps to imagine pulling the string to envision exactly how it's all going to unravel. Edited August 12, 2015 by cerridwen
Author swanny55 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 It was only ever going to be friendship nothing more,I am not a fool to think a 31y woman would be interested in a 60y fool.When she told me no more msg I took it so badly I was swinging from a tree almost too late but I got down why would a friendship only a friendship do this to me
cerridwen Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Please don't call yourself a fool. You sound like you're in pain, that's all. If there isn't a romantic allure, is it that you're lonely? Is it that this friendship offered companionship and company and some sense of importance? I've been in a marriage in which I was very lonely. I can relate if those are the reasons her disappearance affected you so.
Author swanny55 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 My Wife and I moved to Poland from england in 2010 from then until 2015 I had no friends this girl became my best friend,when I went out which I never did until I met her she would always ask if I was safe had I got there was I back and I started to ask her the and she liked me asking.So when she went on holiday I asked her to keep in touch and she said no after 30,000 msg and good morning everyday for 8 months she she I dont want to open my laptop and speak to you go away.How was I supposed to react when we have been in each others lives every day
craw Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I think the term is called ghosting. This woman isn't worth your time. I know it hurts, i felt that pain too, but I find when people behave like that me, I cut them off so they can't hurt me again. You know what ends up happening? They all come running back desperate for friendship. This is the part you're suppose to forgive them. I'm stubborn, so I don't. Anyway, cut her out. 1
cerridwen Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 My Wife and I moved to Poland from england in 2010 from then until 2015 I had no friends this girl became my best friend,when I went out which I never did until I met her she would always ask if I was safe had I got there was I back and I started to ask her the and she liked me asking.So when she went on holiday I asked her to keep in touch and she said no after 30,000 msg and good morning everyday for 8 months she she I dont want to open my laptop and speak to you go away.How was I supposed to react when we have been in each others lives every day I understand. You're in a new country, no social network, she befriended you, then rejected your friendship cruelly. In your opening post, you asked what you should do. I stand by the idea that you block her and give time a chance to heal your wounds. She's a silly, insensitive woman. Don't invite her back in. If there are any social clubs for ex-pats there, I encourage you to start engaging. Everyone needs friends. Finding more stable, age-appropriate persons will help take the sting out of this crappy time. Sorry this happened.
craw Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Please let me know if you and the wife ever visit Budapest, I have a wonderful friend there who would be the perfect companion for you two! I wish I could live in Europe..
Author swanny55 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Its not that easy to find friends when the next englishman is 200 miles away,polish men of 50+ do not mix with others they all think I am strange because I ski horse ride mtb bike. This year with my female friend I have done 5000 miles riding thats how we became so close we have the same interests the problem is not in blocking her its going back to not having a friend I have tried to make friends, polish men are just interested in drinking they are not very active.There is no clubs no bars no where you can meet people my age who will do anything so do I become a loner and just do my own thing and hope to meet someone.This is not the first place I have lived --USA Costa Rica Africa Japan to name but a few this is the hardest place to live but I have to stay hear for my wife we moved hear because she can not walk and its cheaper to live hear than in the UK for the next 6 years as we british say life is a bitch with no friends
angel.eyes Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 You aren't limited to two choices--loner or increasingly inappropriate friendship. Or to Englishmen. Canadians, Americans, etc. are all trying to adapt to the environment too. Why don't you start an outdoors club or a ski club? There are probably other men in your shoes who are eager to do something besides drink. Chat up the owners of the stables you use. I'm sure there are other riders there. See if the stable owners might be open to hosting a social gathering for all of you. Ditto for the ski lodges you visit. Socialize with others in those settings. Use the venues you're in to find activity buddies. Finally, most embassies have social gatherings periodically for their expats, etc. Socialize there and try to find other men who might share some of the same interests you have. Work on building your social circle. Eventually, among those in it will be people who share one or more of your interests.
Author swanny55 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) Well there is no english or any other native speakers Englishmen. Canadians, Americans for at least 200 miles there is no expat clubs where I live we have only 50 people in our village.Horse riding stable ask for anything its $$$$$$ ski slopes the same polish will not talk to an englishman even shopping if they can speak they will blank you out been here 5 years still no one speaks.What also makes it hard it is illegal for me to own a car or a motorcycle electric gas phone in poland you have to have an ID number,yes I know its the "EU" but they will not give us papers,but polish can go to england and get everything.In my garage I have a 2008 Harley Davidson with 700 miles on it 2 honda goldwings 1100 kawasaki a jeep all of which I am not allowed to use so how can I go anywhere my facebook friend did everything for me thats why its so hard Edited August 14, 2015 by swanny55
Author swanny55 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 The female friend has been in contact with my wife,now my head is mixed up the female friend asked my wife what should she do,my wife said forgive and be my husbands friend continue your friendship but do not talk every day my wife is acting as a go between and has invited the friend to our house and we are having tea before we go on a bike ride WTF is going on
cerridwen Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 The female friend has been in contact with my wife,now my head is mixed up the female friend asked my wife what should she do,my wife said forgive and be my husbands friend continue your friendship but do not talk every day my wife is acting as a go between and has invited the friend to our house and we are having tea before we go on a bike ride WTF is going on Indeed. Does your wife know how deep your feelings are for this woman? How hard you took the end of the friendship? It's hard to imagine a wife being okay with it but... The other woman is just back for more attention/companionship. I know it's a hard thing to do but I still think you should end the friendship. It's going to be a rollercoaster for you otherwise. The girl is flaky. And insensitive. There's nothing to say she wont pull the rug out from underneath you again. Just make it clear to your wife you'd rather not have the woman in your life.
Author swanny55 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 My wife knows how much I love my friend but only as a friend,what will happen when they meet who knows the girl must be very hard to face my wife they have talked on facebook and the phone.If it was not for my friend I would not have been in the forest with a rope but also it was my friend who talked me down from the tree if it was not for her I would not be here.Now my wife is acting as a go between ?? my wife wants me to keep my friend but not to talk every day as we were she wants to meet her to set some rules,my friend is so butch she could be a man but she is very good looking woman how can a friendship hurt so much when there can never be a kiss or sex and I do not want the sex just a friend
cerridwen Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 ... how can a friendship hurt so much when there can never be a kiss or sex and I do not want the sex just a friend The loss of this friendship can hurt so much because if I understand correctly: -You're isolated in a tiny, tiny village with no English-speaking people -Your wife is disabled and unable to participate in the things you enjoy -You have no friends there -You're unable to even take your recreational vehicles out for a spin -You will likely be in that village for 6 years which can feel depressing and daunting This woman afforded you fun and companionship. She helped open up your world. It makes perfect sense that losing those things would leave you despondent. Please look into moving to a less remote area--somewhere that offers more activities and companionship. Your mental health depends on it. You are there for the good of your wife but how does it help her if you're dangling from a tree? Brits are wonderful travelers. Wherever I've gone in the world (and there have been some far flung places), I always encounter little enclaves of Brits. Please commit to doing more research about other places to live, where there are pockets of English speakers. Areas of Spain and Greece may not be out of your financial reach. Both have their issues but that may even work to your advantage. 1
Author swanny55 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 I have lived in usa,costa rica,south africa,japan and many more,this friend has been to my house this week and we went on a trip to a very remote part of poland were we took part in a mtb race and won!!.But for her to come to my house after my wife was so angry with her on the phone she must be very very cold woman.I wanted her to come so that I could have my say on what happened.I told her that it was a very intense relationship over 8 months and 60 day trips to talk every day all day then just stop was very cruel and heartless but I also told her 4 times over the last 8 months that when she will get a friend thats also a partner I would be history,all she said was that I was right so I said why did you msg me every day then what were you after,a friend who would listen she who wanted nothing in return but friendship,I said why stop then,it had become an obsession on her part and now its as if nothing happened but we only talk 1 or 2 times a week.She has even made plans for our winter trips/summer trips next year,but the problem is that I am still very bitter about the way she did it ,to her everything is ok,I have to fight every day with myself just to get up and go out
Author swanny55 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 Well got the ball to dump my friend no facebook all gone left a big hole in my life but it had to be done thank you all for the help 1
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