vc1990 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 So this is a guy things are developing with. Everything has been great. Then tonight I was joking something about looking nice, and he texts me, "Makeup doesn't make you look worse, but I would ask you to wear less of it than you prefer...I mean, I know it's shallow of me to ask something like that, but it honestly would mean something to me." I'm thinking...Are you kidding me? He goes on to say, "moderate amounts of mascara, eye liner, foundation and powder don't bother me, it's just when women have a lot on, they don't look as good and it kinda looks fake. I'm not telling you not to wear makeup, I'm just saying...subtle makeup is better if people wear it. I liked you with no makeup." On one hand I want to say this is sweet, on the other hand..I want to say this is what the beginning of controlling looks like. It's SUMMER. The part I find hilarious about his comment about what defines moderate makeup--I've worn bbcream (GUYS: this means tinted moisturizer that is not as thick as foundation), eyeliner, mascara and maybe eye shadow around him. That's it. I haven't been painted like a geisha. He has seen me without makeup. And it makes me VERY VERY SELF CONSCOUS. I had pretty bad acne as a teen, and I have scars. Scars I'm CONVINCED everyone sees. So makeup camoflouges those. The last guy I dated, I found out he was complaining I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP ENOUGH! I find it all so hypocritical, because men LIE and say they prefer women with no makeup, but then they find out what NO MAKEUP really looks like, and they most definitely DO prefer makeup. Maybe I'm just trying to get some insight--do his words sound like a clueless guy who got himself in the hot seat, or the beginning of controlling behavior?
almond Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I'm going with controlling. Even his wording creeped me out. "It would mean a lot to me?" Wtf is that?? You are what you are, and you wear what you're comfortable with. If he's outlining in detail the amount of make up you can wear, item by item, this early in...it's only going to get much, much worse. You're in the stage where you get to know each other, and work out whether you're compatible. You put your best foot forward, and enjoy each other's company. And he has the audacity to tell you what kind of make up you can and cannot wear, during the early dating stage? Lol. Nutbag. Run. Don't look back. 7
LostOne1 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 So this is a guy things are developing with. Everything has been great. Then tonight I was joking something about looking nice, and he texts me, "Makeup doesn't make you look worse, but I would ask you to wear less of it than you prefer...I mean, I know it's shallow of me to ask something like that, but it honestly would mean something to me." I'm thinking...Are you kidding me? He goes on to say, "moderate amounts of mascara, eye liner, foundation and powder don't bother me, it's just when women have a lot on, they don't look as good and it kinda looks fake. I'm not telling you not to wear makeup, I'm just saying...subtle makeup is better if people wear it. I liked you with no makeup." On one hand I want to say this is sweet, on the other hand..I want to say this is what the beginning of controlling looks like. It's SUMMER. The part I find hilarious about his comment about what defines moderate makeup--I've worn bbcream (GUYS: this means tinted moisturizer that is not as thick as foundation), eyeliner, mascara and maybe eye shadow around him. That's it. I haven't been painted like a geisha. He has seen me without makeup. And it makes me VERY VERY SELF CONSCOUS. I had pretty bad acne as a teen, and I have scars. Scars I'm CONVINCED everyone sees. So makeup camoflouges those. The last guy I dated, I found out he was complaining I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP ENOUGH! I find it all so hypocritical, because men LIE and say they prefer women with no makeup, but then they find out what NO MAKEUP really looks like, and they most definitely DO prefer makeup. Maybe I'm just trying to get some insight--do his words sound like a clueless guy who got himself in the hot seat, or the beginning of controlling behavior? See.. I think most guys prefer makeup unless it's "caked" on there. For me.. my personal experience is I prefer a woman with no makeup when I'm living with her or seeing her almost with no or very little makeup on a constant basis. Because, then I am used to her "real" look and I have already accepted her for how she is and I'm totally cool with it. You know you're really comfortable with a woman, when you can walk out to any place such as the grocery store with your girl and she has no makeup. And, yet it doesn't bother you a bit.... it shows you love her for her..... 3
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 With this and your last thread it's most definitely another sign. What did you say in return? Right now just wear what you want to wear and don't change a thing. I promise you that if you do that you will get another sign from him over something sooner rather than later. Controlling type behaviour and a potential abuser gives off several signals, never just one. 1
almond Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 You know you're really comfortable with a woman, when you can walk out to any place such as the grocery store with your girl and she has no makeup. And, yet it doesn't bother you a bit.... it shows you love her for her..... You know you're really comfortable with a woman when you can walk alongside her and be happy for her to express herself however she wishes. And it doesn't bother you one bit...it shows you love her when you're happy to let the woman you're with just be herself...as she is, without micromanaging what products she applies to her face. OP wears bb cream (tinted moisturiser), a bit of eyeshadow and some eyeliner. It hardly sounds like she's going overboard. He specifically asked her to wear less that she "prefers," clearly indicating that his preferences regarding her choices come before hers do. Way too early for those sorts of comments. Giant red flag. 9
Author vc1990 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I don't think he meant it to sound creepy. He's very inexperienced, and has a tendancy to get himself in awkward spots. Not just with me. I don't wear makeup that much--but you can bet I wear it every time I'm trying to put my best foot forward. Which has included being around him, for the most part. 1
GemmaUK Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I don't think he meant it to sound creepy. He's very inexperienced, and has a tendancy to get himself in awkward spots. Not just with me. What do you mean by awkward spots with others? What have you seen of them?
Author vc1990 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I responded simply with "Seriously??" And he replied, "There's nothing wrong with makeup. And I'm glad it exists for many women, but you aren't one of them, For you it's a commodity and not a necessity. So it can be nice, but it's not something you should ever feel less pretty without. "
h0000 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Am I the only one thinks this is his nice way of saying" you wear too much make up and you don't look good in it. I'd rather you tune it down and look more nature" 7
casey.lives Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 i learned that when ur dating, men are into u being sexy and happy and vibrant but when they are in a relationship with you they tend to want a subdued version, a less threatening version. The danger in listening to them is that they do cheat on you with the more free spirited carefree girl. I don't recommend listening... :/ 3
SammySammy Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Am I the only one thinks this is his nice way of saying" you wear too much make up and you don't look good in it. I'd rather you tune it down and look more nature" No, you're not the only one. The problem is there's no nice way to say it to women who feel they cannot go without makeup. Or women who don't know how to tone it down. Women who think you're lying when you say you prefer less. Whatever you say is going to be offensive.
regine_phalange Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Don't change a thing. Stand your ground now, as it's early and it's a bad start to limit your preferences and habits according to his wishes. 6
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I find it all so hypocritical, because men LIE and say they prefer women with no makeup, but then they find out what NO MAKEUP really looks like, and they most definitely DO prefer makeup. By even having this discussion you're putting him in an impossible no-win situation. - If he says he prefers you with make-up then you will be upset because he is shallow, and you're not pretty enough for him without it. - If he says he prefers you without make-up then you get this thread: he's either lying, or he doesn't appreciate the effort you go through trying to look nice for him. LOSE-LOSE. It's a conversation that every man should side-step and not even attempt to engage. do his words sound like a clueless guy who got himself in the hot seat, or the beginning of controlling behavior? I'm going with clueless, because he didn't realize it's a lose-lose situation for him. Next time this comes up (whether with you or with his next gf) he will know to side-step the subject rather than express a preference because
Lois_Griffin Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Never allow a man to dictate what you wear or how you wear your makeup. Ever. You're welcome. 9
Lansing Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Well, I dated this one girl for like a year and she would never let me see herself without makeup! Like, she wouldn't wash it off ever which I know is bad for her skin. I know she had skin issues already and maybe had scarring, etc but that is extreme. It felt like it was "caked on" at times too. I can read where this guy is coming from. At the same time, I have dated girls that didn't wear makeup and maybe part of me was less attracted to them because it seemed like they were a little less feminine...Definitely a fine line there.
Gaeta Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I see nothing wrong with a man telling his girlfriend he prefers her with no make-up. All men in my life told me in a way or another they find me prettier with no make-up and I did not take offense. Actually I was flattered they preferred me at my natural. It's the equivalent of telling your boyfriend you prefer that he doesn't wear socks in his beach sandals. That being said, it's not because your boyfriend expressed a preference that you need to obey by it. If you prefer to keep your foundation then tell him and keep it, the decision is yours, but there is nothing wrong in him expressing his preference. 4
yellowhibiscus Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Don't change yourself for any man! Do what makes you feel good...a man who truly cares about you will like you- make up or not. My ex boyfriend told me I couldn't wear skirts to work and would not let me wear a dress to his work christmas party. He was very insecure and this screams that your guy may be the same way. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 He's probably controlling. Controlling is a sign of hate, not love. Why be with a guy that has a deep down hate for women? 2
kendahke Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I know it's shallow of me to ask something like that, but it honestly would mean something to me." I'm not telling you not to wear makeup..." Yes you are. At least be honest about it if that's your truth, dude. On one hand I want to say this is sweet, on the other hand..I want to say this is what the beginning of controlling looks like. This isn't sweet--it is controlling. This is how it starts. Next, he'll be telling you not to cut or color your hair; not to wear jeans; not to get your nails done. When you do, he will call you a $lvt. Maybe I'm just trying to get some insight--do his words sound like a clueless guy who got himself in the hot seat, or the beginning of controlling behavior[/b]? You and he are not a good match if at this stage of things, he's already trying to change you. 1
kendahke Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 All men in my life told me in a way or another they find me prettier with no make-up and I did not take offense. Actually I was flattered they preferred me at my natural. . They all did this at the "getting to know you" stage? Before they'd asked you to be their woman?
OMC Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 It's amazing how many women have no clue how to apply makeup so that their features are accented. But, in their mind they look awesome. Best not to say anything and just decide if being seen in public with a clown is too uncomfortable.
katiegrl Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) I see nothing wrong with a man telling his girlfriend he prefers her with no make-up. All men in my life told me in a way or another they find me prettier with no make-up and I did not take offense. Actually I was flattered they preferred me at my natural. It's the equivalent of telling your boyfriend you prefer that he doesn't wear socks in his beach sandals. ***That being said, it's not because your boyfriend expressed a preference that you need to obey by it. If you prefer to keep your foundation then tell him and keep it, the decision is yours, but there is nothing wrong in him expressing his preference***. I agree with Gaeta. The way I read this, the OP's boyfriend is NOT *demanding* she wear no makeup, he told her he finds he prettier without and gently **ASKED** her to *tone it down*. His exact words were "less than what you prefer.". How is this controlling? Come on. I see nothing wrong with this! I mean, we all want men to be more honest with us about how they feel, but when they do by voicing a PREFERENCE for something ...he gets ripped to shreds, deemed controlling and a potential abuser! WTF. What I find particularly troubling is most of you are beating this guy up, without even seeing a pic or knowing exactly how much she wears! Mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow can all be applied differently from heavy to mild. Most women have no idea how they appear to others, and even though the OP thinks it's not too much, it could very well be too much! At least for her boyfriend's taste, which is OKAY! Most men do not like a lot of makeup, my own bf being one of them. Again, all he did was **ask** her to TONE it down ...to wear LESS than she normally prefers. A couple of years ago, I cut my long hair to a stylish bob (to my chin). My boyfriend told me he *prefers* me with long hair....he did not *demand* I grow it longer again, he simply voiced his preference. Since I like to make him happy, and to me it was not that big a deal, I grew it long again. What's the difference between that and this? That said, I agree with what Gaeta said above (quoted in asterisk) ....if you don't want to tone your makeup down a bit, then don't!!! He only asked, and you cannot fault a guy for simply asking. That is just wrong IMO. Edited August 12, 2015 by katiegrl 4
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 You know you're really comfortable with a woman when you can walk alongside her and be happy for her to express herself however she wishes. And it doesn't bother you one bit...it shows you love her when you're happy to let the woman you're with just be herself...as she is, without micromanaging what products she applies to her face. OP wears bb cream (tinted moisturiser), a bit of eyeshadow and some eyeliner. It hardly sounds like she's going overboard. He specifically asked her to wear less that she "prefers," clearly indicating that his preferences regarding her choices come before hers do. Way too early for those sorts of comments. Giant red flag. Brilliant and thoughtful response. The only thing I'd like to add is that sometimes the tone and how that preference is expressed can make all the difference. It's one thing when your guy catches you without makeup and reminds you how beautiful you look without it and it's another thing when a guy is giving you detailed instructions along with a lecture about women and their reliance on makeup. One makes a woman feel safe and secure while the other feels like criticism. And who enjoys being criticized? 4
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 A couple of years ago, I cut my long hair to a stylish bob (to my chin). My boyfriend told me he *prefers* me with long hair....he did not *demand* I grow it longer again, he simply voiced his preference. Since I like to make him happy, and to me it was not that big a deal, I grew it long again. I've done similar. I had a goatee but my gf said she thinks I look better with a full beard so I have grown it. She would like me to grow it longer but I don't like it too long so whilst I have expanded it for her, I'm not going all the way to wizard style. 3
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