How to not appear desperate on a date?

[ZA Dater]

You know how the best jobs come when you already have or don't need one, or how the bank suddenly accepts your requests for credit when you already have money or don't need further credit? Yeah it's the same with dating!

 

You act desperate because you are desperate which is understandable as you only get 1 date a year. The obvious solution is to try to get more dates, regardless of quality, and that'll get rid of the desperate vibe. Once you've done that then you'll be good at dating.

 

Also as others said don't focus too much on the outcome. If it turns out to be a dud then remember that you just aren't a match, the last thing you want is to be dating a girl that you constantly have to impress and makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells.

 

Try to imagine yourself in her shoes, would you date a girl that gives off the impression that she has no other options and is overly keen on things working out with you? Of course not.

 

There is a huge amount of merit in this advice and I did actually try this before, meeting up with anyone who would meet up with me, sure I wasted quite a lot of money but in retrospect it was also a mistake because I just wasn't taken with any of these people, all were from OLD.

 

Truthfully I never have many options so when I do find someone, which is extremely rarely that I like I do tend to try and make that work, the flip side is I am never really given much of a chance with these people I end up liking.

[Qboro90]

I meet people I like so seldom its difficult not to see eager. As for impressing, not really sure I ever go out to impress.

 

As for the bold, I never really pull that one off.

 

 

Are you saying that you rarely meet people you like in general or just regarding women you'd date? If it's the former then perhaps it's a personality issue you harbor because if you're having difficulty finding likable qualities in the general public/interactions you have day by day then that is something a bit unusual.

 

I know I've delved into this in depth with you on you're earlier threads but want to ask if you would eliminate someone from being so called "dateable" if they don't appear to have the qualities you're interested in or find like able? Rather than actually conversing with them or interacting directly in order to find out if your perception of them was true or in fact you were way off and they're actually very interesting well rounded women.

 

You say you seldom meet anyone you like and only go out on avg 1 date per year. How could you know if you like or dislike someone simply based off 1.what your observing from a distance 2. Their online profile (I recall you used OLD a bunch of times on and off). Would someone be able to determine what kind of person you are if they overheard you having a brief conversation with a co worker or member of one of your clubs? Would you say your online profile and details are able to convey exactly who you are as a man and everything that's important to you as well as what your like able qualities are? It's also very possible especially with online dating that the qualities one sees themselves having as positive are not what others might agree with. Also little things that a woman might not ever consider could be something that a man finds incredibly attractive or alluring. I've found that the little things like that such as how a girl interacts around my friends or family, or if I observe her in an environment where I never expected her to be in yet she thrives in it or handles herself we'll have changed my perception of some girls I've dated and been with. I dated a girl who was a dancer and when I went to one of her performances and saw her perform I found it incredibly attractive and intriguing simply because she had mastered this craft in a way I'd never seen before. Just Food for thought

[ZA Dater]

 

I suggested to you in another of your topics to befriend men who are successful with women and learn from them. I hope you're doing that as it is what will genuinely help you.

 

Friends I can count on one hand, of those 4 are married, the one who is single is a mirror image of me.

 

One I have known the longest has had success with females(now married), purely because he has an outgoing fun, charming personality and quite large "economic resources".

 

Its difficult to learn from someone like that because his personality is completely different to mine.

 

My assets are, honesty, dedication, caring and a giving attitude. My weaknesses are charm and a certain degree of shyness, not to mention inexperience and the fact for whatever reason I either don't impress female or I don't sell my attributes enough.

 

On paper one would think my good attributes would be marketable enough but honestly I don't think I am a particularly "fun" or humorous guy which I guess is where everything good is totally cancelled out.

 

I could probably be both fun and humorous but charming may be stretching it a bit!

 

Basically not realty sure what I can learn, I am never going to approach someone I don't know so that's out, the only way would be if I was actually introduced to people but even then.

[ZA Dater]

Are you saying that you rarely meet people you like in general or just regarding women you'd date? If it's the former then perhaps it's a personality issue you harbor because if you're having difficulty finding likable qualities in the general public/interactions you have day by day then that is something a bit unusual.

 

I know I've delved into this in depth with you on you're earlier threads but want to ask if you would eliminate someone from being so called "dateable" if they don't appear to have the qualities you're interested in or find like able? Rather than actually conversing with them or interacting directly in order to find out if your perception of them was true or in fact you were way off and they're actually very interesting well rounded women.

 

You say you seldom meet anyone you like and only go out on avg 1 date per year. How could you know if you like or dislike someone simply based off 1.what your observing from a distance 2. Their online profile (I recall you used OLD a bunch of times on and off). Would someone be able to determine what kind of person you are if they overheard you having a brief conversation with a co worker or member of one of your clubs? Would you say your online profile and details are able to convey exactly who you are as a man and everything that's important to you as well as what your like able qualities are? It's also very possible especially with online dating that the qualities one sees themselves having as positive are not what others might agree with. Also little things that a woman might not ever consider could be something that a man finds incredibly attractive or alluring. I've found that the little things like that such as how a girl interacts around my friends or family, or if I observe her in an environment where I never expected her to be in yet she thrives in it or handles herself we'll have changed my perception of some girls I've dated and been with. I dated a girl who was a dancer and when I went to one of her performances and saw her perform I found it incredibly attractive and intriguing simply because she had mastered this craft in a way I'd never seen before. Just Food for thought

 

The answer to that complex question is...complex!

 

The people I generally meet are met through common interests so its quite easy to get along with them as there is that common interest. I'd say most people are likeable to varying degrees.

 

I very rarely have any opportunity to date, all but one were from OLD and the irony is the one that wasn't from OLD was the one I like the most.

 

I went through a phase about 2 years ago where I met about 25 people from OLD sites in a year, 3 I liked, none were interested in a second date, from that I took it there is something off about me. The other 22 didn't interest me at all, either they weren't attractive, they lack knowledge, they spoke badly, they lacked ambition, they lived too far, they had kids, all of those individually rule them out as dateable. Thus I did try actually give people the benefit of the doubt BUT I am never given the benefit of the doubt by the ones I like.

 

The non OLD one I liked because she had everything I liked, each and every quality and she didn't come with the ton of baggage everyone from OLD had.

 

I agree with you the small things matter and if I am honest I got propositioned by 2 of the OLD ones, wasn't interested at all in that. Morally I cant go there, especially if its someone I am not really keen on to begin with.

 

Bottom line, the rare opportunities I do get where she is someone I like, they are extremely rare, rare in the sense I need to actually feel I have a chance with the person, which further reduces the potential pool.

[Qboro90]

"Selling my attributes", "marketing myself" "on paper I'm a catch" "my assets are". Are you looking to date a woman or get hired for an accounting position? Making it way to much of a sales process rather than a personal experience of getting to know someone. Saying that approaching someone you don't know is "out of the question and something you'll Never do" is pretty much eliminating any suggestions or help anyone can offer you. If you're not talking to your friends and at least seeing if their wives/gf's have any friends/colleagues that they can set you up with or double date, and you're not open to meeting anyone that doesn't qualify via online dating, and you'll never try to approach someone on your own then what's the point of posting these threads for advice or answers?

[Qboro90]

Bottom line, the rare opportunities I do get where she is someone I like, they are extremely rare, rare in the sense I need to actually feel I have a chance with the person, which further reduces the potential pool

 

 

Again... How do you know you like/dislike someone before ever meeting them or interacting directly with them? Do you talk to any of the "on the fence" girls via telephone so you can have a better idea of who they are? The only way you can say you like someone before ever meeting or going on a date with, is going to be purely based on physical attraction. So if that's the way you decide if you like/dislike someone then it's fine to say it. Just having trouble understanding how you can decide you like someone beforehand.

 

And also I think you gave up WAYY too soon just from reading your history 3 years ago with dating. You can go on 100 dates before you find someone that you like and who likes you at the level you both want. It's trial and error. Just because there were only 3 that you liked out of 25 or 1 that you really liked who didn't feel the same way doesn't mean that all hope is lost. What if THE girl is in the next group of 25 women/dates? What if she's the girl you approach at the supermarket and strike a convo with? What if she's the 10th girl you meet randomly after the first 9 turned you down and rejected you. Dating is a majority rejection and let down. The reason people do it is because when they find that 1 person who says yes or reciprocates your emotion then you're able to look back and say "wow... It really was hell getting here but she's worth it".

[ZA Dater]

Bottom line, the rare opportunities I do get where she is someone I like, they are extremely rare, rare in the sense I need to actually feel I have a chance with the person, which further reduces the potential pool

 

 

Again... How do you know you like/dislike someone before ever meeting them or interacting directly with them? Do you talk to any of the "on the fence" girls via telephone so you can have a better idea of who they are? The only way you can say you like someone before ever meeting or going on a date with, is going to be purely based on physical attraction. So if that's the way you decide if you like/dislike someone then it's fine to say it. Just having trouble understanding how you can decide you like someone beforehand.

 

And also I think you gave up WAYY too soon just from reading your history 3 years ago with dating. You can go on 100 dates before you find someone that you like and who likes you at the level you both want. It's trial and error. Just because there were only 3 that you liked out of 25 or 1 that you really liked who didn't feel the same way doesn't mean that all hope is lost. What if THE girl is in the next group of 25 women/dates? What if she's the girl you approach at the supermarket and strike a convo with? What if she's the 10th girl you meet randomly after the first 9 turned you down and rejected you. Dating is a majority rejection and let down. The reason people do it is because when they find that 1 person who says yes or reciprocates your emotion then you're able to look back and say "wow... It really was hell getting here but she's worth it".

 

OLD doesn't work for me at all, met up with enough from there to determine that, not interested in going that route again ever, its far too disappointing.

 

I get its trial and error but surely along the way one should have some success, its a total lack of positive good success which has me in the "why bother" frame of mind because no matter how I try and not come off as desperate I never get a second date anyway.

 

If there was some positive then sure I'd continue but seeing as I don't approach random people, my friends are married, OLD doesn't work there aren't ways to meet people and please don't tell me to go to a hiking club, feign interest in something I am not interested in for the sake of meeting someone.

 

I don't agree constant rejection is part of how its supposed to work.

 

Ultimately I can get more joy out of sitting down and actually working than going on dates where I just find absolutely nothing 'wow' about these people at all.

 

Jaded I suppose describes me view, for example I will see someone nice looking but logic says she isn't single and usually without fail bf will walk up. Same friend says I lack confidence, which isn't surprising when you spent your entire dating life being rejected.

 

The problem really is I just don't meet enough quality available people and the fact I don't really from a social point of view like what most people do which further alienates me.

 

When I do meet someone of quality I just cant make it work and I end up spending weeks feeling totally worthless.

 

The question really in this thread was maybe my desperation is radiated and this puts these rare people off? I don't feel I come across as that but I am not sure. I just try and be me, which clearly isn't what most people want.

 

I'd feel better about myself if ABC simply said "I wont date you because you are ugly, or your face is ugly or your are too serious or you are too skinny", then at least I know.

[ZA Dater]

And also I think you gave up WAYY too soon .

 

Gave up in what sense?

[Qboro90]

Gave up in what sense?

 

I mean have you read your precious reply. You've explained your reasons why you won't go back to OLD pretty definitively. I'm saying you gave up too soon in the sense that: if you began online dating in 2012 (just using a random year as I forget when you started) and were able to get 25 dates lined up in a 1 year span... That's 2 dates a month avg. Just by that alone you can see that you are capable of attracting a woman. In fact, 25 in a year is pretty damn good so I don't know why you don't focus on that whatsoever. Out of those 25, you say that 3 you were interested in or liked. And in that time frame there was 1 girl outside of OLD that you really liked. So if in 1 year you "liked" 4 out of the 26 women you went on a date with or were attracted to enough to pursue then by that math : there was potential in around 15% of the girls you met/dated/were exposed to. Can you agree with that?

[Qboro90]

(*previous reply btw, spelling error, didn't want to misinterpret as being sarcastic )

 

 

Also ill further my above reply once you let me know if that's accurate. But I'd also like to know where exactly you are meeting women. You talk about "seeing someone nice" and "when you do meet someone"... Where exactly are these interactions or opportunities taking place? If you've eliminated OLD and your friends aren't setting you up and you don't approach women on your own then where and how are you meeting them at all, or met them in the past?

[ZA Dater]

I mean have you read your precious reply. You've explained your reasons why you won't go back to OLD pretty definitively. I'm saying you gave up too soon in the sense that: if you began online dating in 2012 (just using a random year as I forget when you started) and were able to get 25 dates lined up in a 1 year span... That's 2 dates a month avg. Just by that alone you can see that you are capable of attracting a woman. In fact, 25 in a year is pretty damn good so I don't know why you don't focus on that whatsoever. Out of those 25, you say that 3 you were interested in or liked. And in that time frame there was 1 girl outside of OLD that you really liked. So if in 1 year you "liked" 4 out of the 26 women you went on a date with or were attracted to enough to pursue then by that math : there was potential in around 15% of the girls you met/dated/were exposed to. Can you agree with that?

 

Of the 25, 22 of them I had no interest in whatsoever, I met them simply because I thought I would try like something I clearly didn't, much like eating food you don't like in the hope you may like it.

 

Pathetic logic I know.

 

As mentioned I am not interested in OLD anymore, everyone there seemingly comes with tons of baggage and the physical attraction isn't there either. I will be honest, 90% of the people on OLD here are overweight.

 

Point being only 1 of the 3 I liked on OLD had the requisite for want of a better word "class", I'd have been quite happy to take her to fancy events and suchlike. Unfortunately that quality is fairly important to me.

 

Basically the ones I met up with had no real potential whatsoever.

[Philosopher]

OLD doesn't work for me at all, met up with enough from there to determine that, not interested in going that route again ever, its far too disappointing.

 

I get its trial and error but surely along the way one should have some success, its a total lack of positive good success which has me in the "why bother" frame of mind because no matter how I try and not come off as desperate I never get a second date anyway.

 

If there was some positive then sure I'd continue but seeing as I don't approach random people, my friends are married, OLD doesn't work there aren't ways to meet people and please don't tell me to go to a hiking club, feign interest in something I am not interested in for the sake of meeting someone.

 

If OLD does not work for you, then I would recommend meeting women through some other means. You could try meetup groups. There are plenty of meetup groups which are geared more around meeting people in general, rather than being focused on a specific hobby. So you don't need to pretend you are interested in something. Just go to the meetups with the mindset of meeting new people, rather than trying to get dates. That way you will not be under pressure during the meetup to try and find someone to date. Even if you don't meet women you would like to date, you could well make a new friend instead.

 

With regards to not appearing desperate on dates, I would stick to fairly low key first dates, that do not cost too much, such as in a coffeeshop or for a drink and make sure they do not last too long. That way you will not appear as trying too hard.

[jay1983]

Act like you'll be fine if she's not into you.