ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I suppose this is another one of those questions which amounts to "how long is a piece of string", nevertheless I genuinely would like to have some feedback on this. Friend of mine says I come off as being too desperate, which in reality I am, when you have on average one date a year then you do tend to grab opportunities and run with them when those opportunities present themselves. I don't feel I come across as desperate but I rather just try be me. Maybe I need to understand the signs of desperation, what are they? By the same token I clearly don't understand the signs of attraction and zero attraction either. This question is just one of many which keeps me awake at night.
joseb Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Relax. Try not to become too attached to the outcome - e.g. I really hope she likes me, I really hope there is another date. What happens, happens. Don't be constantly trying to "do the right thing", or to impress her. Just try to be yourself, and look at it an opportunity to meet someone and find out about her, not as trying to sell yourself to her. Don't be over the top with compliments, especially about her appearance. 3
losangelena Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I'm super curious to know what your friend meant by that. Can they provide some concrete examples of how they think you act desperate? I don't really think real, tried and true desperation comes up very often. What's desperate, begging? Not taking "no" for an answer? In my mind, desperation makes it seem as if the guy (or girl) cannot let you go, or that their life will somehow be ruined if said person does not continue seeing them. Being overly complimentary? Meh, I would chalk that up to nervousness most likely, or even worse a lack of genuineness. I'm trying to think about my own dating life, and ... I guess I only went out on one date with a guy who truly acted desperate. This guy (after one date, I might add) would text, and then when he didn't get an answer right away, he'd call. And if I didn't pick up, he'd call again. Like ... dude, give me some space, yo. I had considered going out with him again, but after a week of that behavior, I had to tell him what was what. So, I dunno OP—do you hound girls? Do you crowd them, or don't give them space? My dating philosophy was always like, don't focus too much on the person in front of you, but on who you ultimately want to end up with. That makes the opinion of whoever you're out with that much less important, since you're not so concerned with holding onto THEM so tightly. It also makes you more objective and able to more easily walk away if said person doesn't fit your criteria. It also makes rejection easier.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I'm super curious to know what your friend meant by that. Can they provide some concrete examples of how they think you act desperate? I don't really think real, tried and true desperation comes up very often. What's desperate, begging? Not taking "no" for an answer? In my mind, desperation makes it seem as if the guy (or girl) cannot let you go, or that their life will somehow be ruined if said person does not continue seeing them. Being overly complimentary? Meh, I would chalk that up to nervousness most likely, or even worse a lack of genuineness. I'm trying to think about my own dating life, and ... I guess I only went out on one date with a guy who truly acted desperate. This guy (after one date, I might add) would text, and then when he didn't get an answer right away, he'd call. And if I didn't pick up, he'd call again. Like ... dude, give me some space, yo. I had considered going out with him again, but after a week of that behavior, I had to tell him what was what. So, I dunno OP—do you hound girls? Do you crowd them, or don't give them space? My dating philosophy was always like, don't focus too much on the person in front of you, but on who you ultimately want to end up with. That makes the opinion of whoever you're out with that much less important, since you're not so concerned with holding onto THEM so tightly. It also makes you more objective and able to more easily walk away if said person doesn't fit your criteria. It also makes rejection easier. Desperate I suppose in the sense I really battle to get dates. I am far from over complimentary, in fact I tend to be the opposite, don't give too many compliments. Honestly I guess in some respects I have tacitly done the "begging" thing mainly because I never got clear "no" from the ones I was interested in. I agree with the last paragraph and its true, unless you meet someone who you do really like.
regine_phalange Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 1) Don't make confession of deep feelings 2) Don't touch inappropriately 3) Don't ogle other women
Author ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 1) Don't make confession of deep feelings 2) Don't touch inappropriately 3) Don't ogle other women Don't do any of those things.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I think the real problem with "desperation" and dating is you're not actually in the moment. That's why the date isn't perceived well by your partner. You don't listen. You don't respond honestly. There is no mystery, because you've already decided. In effect, it's poor boundaries. Because of the "desperate" person's poor boundaries, the date feels no challenge, no strength of character. How to overcome this? Be yourself. Be honest. Don't look at yourself. Don't listen to yourself. Look at your date. Listen to your date.
regine_phalange Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Don't do any of those things. Then no worries You're a lot less desperate than many men.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I think perhaps the desperation is more in how I pursue those I like.
Empyrea Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe try to approach a new person like you're trying to feel them out if they're a good match for you, as opposed to trying to prove that you're a good match for them. Just don't try too hard to impress, don't make it immediately obvious that you're very interested, or too available. Make it seem like you have an awesome life as it is and she would be lucky to become part of it, not vice versa. And of course, just be yourself. Just not too eager.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe try to approach a new person like you're trying to feel them out if they're a good match for you, as opposed to trying to prove that you're a good match for them. Just don't try too hard to impress, don't make it immediately obvious that you're very interested, or too available. Make it seem like you have an awesome life as it is and she would be lucky to become part of it, not vice versa. And of course, just be yourself. Just not too eager. I meet people I like so seldom its difficult not to see eager. As for impressing, not really sure I ever go out to impress. As for the bold, I never really pull that one off.
oberkeat Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 1) Don't make confession of deep feelings 2) Don't touch inappropriately 3) Don't ogle other women Definitely #1.
xcupid Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Sounds like you need to socialize more. And you need to develop skills that help you interact with people. Talk to people. Be involved with things. Join clubs. Volunteer. Play sports. Take classes. Do things where you're around other people - men and women - and where you can talk to them and get to know them a little. Then the dating will come as you get to meet people who you're interested in. If you don't socialize and mingle and interact with people you won't open up opportunities for dating. In other words, you have to put yourself out there. And the skills you create from socializing with people will also carry over to online dating if you use that and meet women from that. Edited August 12, 2015 by xcupid
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Desperate I suppose in the sense I really battle to get dates. I am far from over complimentary, in fact I tend to be the opposite, don't give too many compliments. Honestly I guess in some respects I have tacitly done the "begging" thing mainly because I never got clear "no" from the ones I was interested in. I agree with the last paragraph and its true, unless you meet someone who you do really like. Most friends tend to think you "come off as desperate", but they only base it off of speculation because they hear your complaints about your dating woes, they don't base it off the interactions they've actually SEEN you, at social gatherings, with women. A conversation about your dating woes to your friend does not really determine your level of desperation.
Popsicle Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) I suppose this is another one of those questions which amounts to "how long is a piece of string", nevertheless I genuinely would like to have some feedback on this. Friend of mine says I come off as being too desperate, which in reality I am, when you have on average one date a year then you do tend to grab opportunities and run with them when those opportunities present themselves. I don't feel I come across as desperate but I rather just try be me. Maybe I need to understand the signs of desperation, what are they? By the same token I clearly don't understand the signs of attraction and zero attraction either. This question is just one of many which keeps me awake at night. Your friend must be male. Only males have this irrational and manufactured fear of appearing desperate, and unfortunately they spread it to each other and we get guys like you repeating it. Contrary to popular belief, it's nice when a guy likes you a lot. It's not nice when he doesn't show that he likes you a lot or could take it or leave it. Edited August 12, 2015 by Popsicle
Redhead14 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I suppose this is another one of those questions which amounts to "how long is a piece of string", nevertheless I genuinely would like to have some feedback on this. Friend of mine says I come off as being too desperate, which in reality I am, when you have on average one date a year then you do tend to grab opportunities and run with them when those opportunities present themselves. I don't feel I come across as desperate but I rather just try be me. Maybe I need to understand the signs of desperation, what are they? By the same token I clearly don't understand the signs of attraction and zero attraction either. This question is just one of many which keeps me awake at night. You simply need to relax and take the pressure off yourself and not harbor any expectations with any new dating partner. Be in the moment, be yourself. Desperate Daters are ALWAYS available. Desperate Daters are clingy Desperate Daters need constant relationship status updates Desperate Daters fish for compliments Desperate Daters Drop Their Friends Desperate Daters Drop Their Standards Desperate Daters Rationalize Bad Treatment
TouchedByViolet Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Be attractive. Don't be unattracive. Be good looking. Then you won't be labeled as desperate.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Be attractive. Don't be unattracive. Be good looking. Then you won't be labeled as desperate. Good looking being very subjective..
Author ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Sounds like you need to socialize more. And you need to develop skills that help you interact with people. Talk to people. Be involved with things. Join clubs. Volunteer. Play sports. Take classes. Do things where you're around other people - men and women - and where you can talk to them and get to know them a little. Then the dating will come as you get to meet people who you're interested in. If you don't socialize and mingle and interact with people you won't open up opportunities for dating. In other words, you have to put yourself out there. And the skills you create from socializing with people will also carry over to online dating if you use that and meet women from that. I am involved in clubs just few if any in the club are in my age range and nobody is really single, I actually am the club administrator, I enjoy the challenge of the job. I'd agree my social skills perhaps arent the best, purely because I can't find common ground but every few years some exceptional does appear, I'd like to be able to wow that person.
wb1988 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 You know how the best jobs come when you already have or don't need one, or how the bank suddenly accepts your requests for credit when you already have money or don't need further credit? Yeah it's the same with dating! You act desperate because you are desperate which is understandable as you only get 1 date a year. The obvious solution is to try to get more dates, regardless of quality, and that'll get rid of the desperate vibe. Once you've done that then you'll be good at dating. Also as others said don't focus too much on the outcome. If it turns out to be a dud then remember that you just aren't a match, the last thing you want is to be dating a girl that you constantly have to impress and makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells. Try to imagine yourself in her shoes, would you date a girl that gives off the impression that she has no other options and is overly keen on things working out with you? Of course not.
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Watch a cat & a dog interact with their owners. The dog is happy, bouncing around, wagging it's tail, running circles around the owner & attracting attention. The cat kind of wanders in slowly, looks sideways at the humans & then some times decides to allow itself to be petted; it acts like it's doing you the favor. Be the cat. 3
deadelvis Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I am involved in clubs just few if any in the club are in my age range and nobody is really single, I actually am the club administrator, I enjoy the challenge of the job. I'd agree my social skills perhaps arent the best, purely because I can't find common ground but every few years some exceptional does appear, I'd like to be able to wow that person. Well, you're screwed then as far as not seeming desperate. To be serious. When I really like a girl I always come on way too strong/serious because I actually care about them and really want it to work. Sometimes this comes across as desperate. If I don't really care very much about the girl and just want to have some fun, I show up late, after having a few drinks, don't seem very concerned with the outcome of the date and just take her over to the bar for more drinks. Yet that actually seems to work better than anything else. Not caring is the most powerful aphrodisiac. Those dates where I show up late... guess what? They ended up back at my place two hours later letting me do anything I want to them...
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 When I started dating I was pretty desperate. Then I dated more and it came more naturally where I just enjoyed myself and didn't overthink things too much. If I felt something was right I just did it and didn't think about it. Sometimes you make a move and it pays off, sometimes it doesn't. The worst thing you can do is come across as nervous/awkward.
lino Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Having several available options helps ease desperation. Not everyone can do that though. I suggested to you in another of your topics to befriend men who are successful with women and learn from them. I hope you're doing that as it is what will genuinely help you.
Recommended Posts