aloneinaz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Chi. Just one stupid question. Do you consider "I'm not really sure if I want a relationship right now" to be breaking up with me? Yes! You would NEVER tell someone that unless you wanted to end it. 2
ChiTessa Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I have a friend that does that. She will keep a helpful boyfriend around until some hard chore is over. It's terrible! Take comfort in knowing a very shallow person does that and you are better than her. No contact is the best option. Fighting via text only shows you care and are hurt.
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) First comes raging about never contacting her and how she never deserved you....then comes the debate about whether things can resume...then, YUP, next stop on the track will be reaching out, after that disappointment and more hurt, then feeling really bad about the way she responded when you did reach out (aka a setback), then a reiteration that you'll never contact her again...EVER EVER! Lather, rinse, repeat...until you finally delete her contact info. If you want to avoid the rollercoaster ride through water torture, delete her contact information and block her everywhere. I say this with kindness--You are no different than anyone else going through a breakup they didn't see coming. Edited August 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Member request ~T 2
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I don't know if it's a "major setback". I didn't contact her or anything. I don't consider myself restarting the recovery process. I'm still on the fence about blocking her number. I might. I'm just wondering if there's anything I misinterpreted or could have done differently. Pathetic, I know. It's definitely a setback. She broke up with you dude. The reason you are basically overthinking is because you are leaving yourself open to contact. You would not be engaging in these types of mental gymanstics and tomfoolery if you had not seen her texts. Right now you are trying to convince yourself that the sky is green and that dividing by zero is possible. And the nexus of this was her contact with you.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Alright Simon, thank you, I get it. Thing is I have done nothing wrong here. I'm now dealing with the fact that a check she wrote me bounced, and I'm not sure if I'm going to contact her to have her write me another one, or just let it go. I know you all will say to let it go. Once this debacle is over, yes, I will block her number and email and live my life knowing I will never have to hear from this person again. If it's a setback it's only because SHE continues to screw with me. I'm amazed at the levels of detachment here - breaks up with me and doesn't even have the money in her account to pay me. This is such bullsh*t.
Jaggerz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Hey all, my now-ex had me help her move to my city, where she will be going to school next year. I did a ton for her - loading the truck, driving it 7 hours, unloading, organizing, etc. During the next couple of days, I went to Ikea and Target with her. She was acting sweet towards me, though she had been weird the preceding couple of days - which she attributed to moving stress. I helped her put her bedframe together on a Monday night. As soon as Tuesday night, she was being distant and strange again. During the course of the week, her texts were non-committal, non-loving and something had clearly changed. Only TODAY did I realize: this woman used me to help her move down here; help her get her apartment settled; and then broke up with me as soon as my services were no longer needed. She KNEW she was going to do this, but instead of telling me before the move (like a grown up would), she took advantage of me, pretended like things were fine, and then dumped me, as soon as I wasn't useful to her anymore. How can I get over feeling so used and betrayed? How can a person be so selfish as to use their "boyfriend" as essentially manual labor, when all the while they know they're going to dump him in a matter of days? I could use all the input you guys and girls can muster. I thought I was through the worst of this, but it feels like the worst just arrived, once I put the pieces together. OD You must understand, that in this story... You are the hero and she is the villain. You should have been rewarded with gold, a princess, you get the picture. Imagine this. She is about to move. Asks you to assist. You say no. She breaks up. You blame it on not helping her move. Right now, it feels like a huge waste of time... But in reality, you sped up your own recovery. You are a goddamn hero. Don't believe anything different. You drove that truck, you put everything together. You were there and did everything right. What did she do? Lied, withheld the fact she was going to break up with you, making you go through all that for nothing. You deserve better. Never go back to this girl, please promise me that. You are a good guy and good will come to you. Good luck in this ****ed up time.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Thank you Jaggerz. You've very kind. Yes, I promise you, I will never go back to her. I appreciate your support.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Alright Simon, thank you, I get it. Thing is I have done nothing wrong here. I'm now dealing with the fact that a check she wrote me bounced, and I'm not sure if I'm going to contact her to have her write me another one, or just let it go. I know you all will say to let it go. Once this debacle is over, yes, I will block her number and email and live my life knowing I will never have to hear from this person again. If it's a setback it's only because SHE continues to screw with me. I'm amazed at the levels of detachment here - breaks up with me and doesn't even have the money in her account to pay me. This is such bullsh*t. She's screwing with you because you are allowing it. After reading that manifesto you wrote last night, I would say let it go unless it's a ridiculous amount of money that you need to pay bills and such. Consider it part of her severance package. 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 She's screwing with you because you are allowing it. After reading that manifesto you wrote last night, I would say let it go unless it's a ridiculous amount of money that you need to pay bills and such. Consider it part of her severance package.I'm not "allowing" it, Simon. I understand your point, but I have not spoken/texted word one to her since she sent the breakup message. I will block soon.. but I have not fed her anything to go on, and she's taking the hint by leaving me alone. As far as the money. Yeah, I'm willing to let it go. Insult to f*cking injury.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I'm not "allowing" it, Simon. I understand your point, but I have not spoken/texted word one to her since she sent the breakup message. I will block soon.. but I have not fed her anything to go on, and she's taking the hint by leaving me alone. As far as the money. Yeah, I'm willing to let it go. Insult to f*cking injury. When you give her an open avenue to communication, you are allowing it. And if you aren't going to chase down the money, then make "soon" "now". I know I'm harping on this, but dude, reread what you wrote last night. That deserves a huge shakedown.
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I'm now dealing with the fact that a check she wrote me bounced, and I'm not sure if I'm going to contact her to have her write me another one, or just let it go. I know you all will say to let it go. Once this debacle is over, yes, I will block her number and email and live my life knowing I will never have to hear from this person again. If it's a setback it's only because SHE continues to screw with me. I'm amazed at the levels of detachment here - breaks up with me and doesn't even have the money in her account to pay me. This is such bullsh*t. Now that's rich! But not surprising from someone who let you drive seven hours, haul her crap, and then dragged you shopping. Let it go. Don't prolong this any further by trying to get paid. The type of person who would use you knowing full well she's about to breakup with you, is not the type to suddenly grow a conscience and pay you back. Who knows? She may even have put a "stop payment" on the check. Either way, irrelevant! Delete her number.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 When you give her an open avenue to communication, you are allowing it. And if you aren't going to chase down the money, then make "soon" "now". I know I'm harping on this, but dude, reread what you wrote last night. That deserves a huge shakedown.I appreciate the tough love. Yeah, I was having a weak moment or whatever last night, but those were just thoughts and feelings - thank god I only posted them here and didn't send them to her or something. Yes, I need a beatdown. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about the money. I may initiate contact to get it. I don't know. I'm totally f*cked up today. This girl is soooo nuts and mean. I'll let you know when I block her, and then you can get off my case
Chi townD Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Chi. Just one stupid question. Do you consider "I'm not really sure if I want a relationship right now" to be breaking up with me? Well, let me ask you a question. Is that statement she said to you chalk full of positivity? Sorry dude. But, yeah. That's her pulling the trigger but leaving you with some false hope. And why the false hope? Because she's in a new area where she doesn't know anyone and if she's having a lonely night, she wanted to leave the door open a crack so she can call you and have someone to talk to. To give her and ego boost and a confidence booster. And when she feels better, back to the curb with you. 1
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Yep. Thanks Chi. Regarding money and blocking and everything - I'm not going to make any sudden movements until after I see my therapist on Tuesday. For now, I will take no action. My head is really being done in and I've been totally rejected by someone who I thought loved me. Devastating, but surmountable. Eventually I'll be fine, but it's these types of breakups that really test your survival skills and confidence in self. PS. She doesn't get that ego boost from me. Let some other weepy sap do it for her.
PaperCrane Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I've been in your boat. It's not a fun cruise. What we need to see here is true perspective. She disrespected you wholly. There is no need on in any way shape or form to try and alleviate her guilt or to try and right the situation. The situation is sunk, sir. I mean, seriously, we all go through this. "If only I did more. If only I tried harder, was better, was stronger willed...". As men we just do this by nature. We try and be the best we can for our partner. By nature we try and provide and protect and offer that rock for someone. When someone acts as she has, it erodes that confidence in us. "Was there something wrong with me?" is a popular question our brains like. Another one is "Was I not enough of a man?" What I feel is happening, as I have lived this, is these questions are trying to be answered so that you can feel once again secure in your role in the world at the base level as a man. Being dumped does that to you, especially when you did absolutely nothing wrong. Everything wrong here is on her. Why does she deserve someone like you who even after doing everything right, still tries to do above and beyond and more? She doesn't. Fight that addiction in your head to her presence. There is someone out there who will treat you as good or better than she did and will respect you on top of that. Minutes will feel like hours for awhile but you can do this. I'm preparing myself for a big change coming up regarding my personal situation and it is very similar to yours. Perhaps in a way I want to see that someone can pull through this with their head up and not drown in all that cliche bull****. Keep at it, you can do it. 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 She disrespected you wholly. There is no need on in any way shape or form to try and alleviate her guilt or to try and right the situation. The situation is sunk, sir. you did absolutely nothing wrong. Everything wrong here is on her. Why does she deserve someone like you who even after doing everything right, still tries to do above and beyond and more? She doesn't. Fight that addiction in your head to her presence. There is someone out there who will treat you as good or better than she did and will respect you on top of that. Minutes will feel like hours for awhile but you can do this. I'm preparing myself for a big change coming up regarding my personal situation and it is very similar to yours. Perhaps in a way I want to see that someone can pull through this with their head up and not drown in all that cliche bull****. Keep at it, you can do it.Paper, I really appreciate your kind words. I have left in the lines you wrote that help me especially. You are right. This is not a kind or a good person. This is someone who uses people to her advantage, and tosses them aside once their function has been performed, with nary a thought to her actions and their consequences. I know the ship has sunk. If you look at the details of the situation, you'll see that once she dropped the "not sure about a relationship" line on me, I went silent, and fed her nothing. Yes, it's true that I had moments of doubt last night, but being here with you good folks has reaffirmed my actions after the breakup. I can proudly say I have given her nothing to justify her actions. Sh*t, I'll probably even let the money go. Let her feel she's won. It doesn't matter. I wish you the best of luck in regards to your personal situation. If I can be some kind of inspiration (as I don't know which side of the equation you are on), then great. I would say my biggest accomplishment has been walking away and staying gone. Sometimes as a man, though (as you mentioned), you question yourself. Sometimes you get so wholly screwed that the way you've been treated is essentially unfathomable. It's like being gaslighted. Thanks again.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 I'm starting to think she closed down her previous bank account, knowing the check would bounce. I really do not want to contact her about this money. She is such a sh*tty person.
aloneinaz Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I'm starting to think she closed down her previous bank account, knowing the check would bounce. I really do not want to contact her about this money. She is such a sh*tty person. You know damn well she knew that check would bounce. She's truly a real peach. Unless it's significant amount of $, I'd say let it be your last REMINDER that she's a POS that you need fully out of your life. You should do this as well. Type or write a list of all the crap she did to you over the time you've know her. Write a list below it of all her horrible traits, issues, shortcomings, etc.. When you feel weak or feel like you miss her, re-read your list to REMIND you that she won't change and you've already been abused enough. It really does help. 1
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 She emailed me about the check tonight saying she rec'd a notice from her bank that it didn't go through, and would I like her to send me another one. I said yes and that I'd prefer it to be a cashier's check. All business, no emotions from either side. I hate having to respond but I want my f*cking money. I'm so pissed off at this person to have cut me out without a second thought. I just want the contact to be over and done with. I can't believe she never had a conversation with me about what she didn't like in the relationship. I have a strong feeling she is with someone else. Whatever, she's ten f*cking years younger than me. I don't need to be dealing with such an immature heartless b*tch.
BriNyc82 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Anyone else think it will bother her to be ignored? I know, I'm grasping at f*cking straws at this point... just trying to find some light in the tunnel. Yes. Sometimes silence is so more powerful than any words you could ever say.
BC1980 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 "Not sure I want to be in a relationship" is code for: I want to break up, but I'm too chicken to do it, and I kinda still enjoy the fringe benefits of being in a relationship. 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Just an update for anyone who cares. She agreed over email to send me another check. I hated having to break NC, but this was in regards to money which I need repaid, so it was a necessary evil. When she emailed me asking for my address, she send a photo of herself. This was beyond weird. It was 1am and she was fully dressed in the photo, so I'm sure this is something she sent to lots of other dudes as well. Anyway, to me it means, "Look at what you can't have!" Beyond strange, bordering on cruel. Anyone else want to analyze this for me? I gave her my address and told her happy early birthday (her b-day is tomorrow). I know, I know, I know, guys. It was too nice. But I was glad I had the opportunity to acknowledge her birthday, early at that so I knew I wouldn't send a text tomorrow. I'm feeling stupid about it today like it was a guilt reliever for her. But I know that on some forums they say it's ok to say happy birthday as long as you keep it short and sweet. In any case, I'm feeling pissed at myself today, and used again. I still think she's f*cking someone else. At least I'll get my money. 1
BriNyc82 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Chi. Just one stupid question. Do you consider "I'm not really sure if I want a relationship right now" to be breaking up with me? I have read your entire thread up to this point and this was my next question. Was this a breakup or was she expressing genuine concern or hesitations about being in a r/s? It doesn't sound like you gave her the opportunity to talk about it and just dismissed it entirely. Granted, I agree win you. If someone isn't sure then it means they aren't 100% in. So most likely it would have ended.
BriNyc82 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 She sent you a picture? Completely unnecessary and absolutely cruel. Why would she send you that knowing she's the one who ended things. That's really mean. I know you're feeling guilty about the bday wish. It's done with. The check situation is finished. Keep going NC. She will continue to send you bread crumbs no doubt. Be strong!
Author Oregon_Dude Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Was this a breakup or was she expressing genuine concern or hesitations about being in a r/s? It doesn't sound like you gave her the opportunity to talk about it and just dismissed it entirely. Granted, I agree win you. If someone isn't sure then it means they aren't 100% in. So most likely it would have ended.You're right. I wasn't going to play her game anymore. She had been evasive for days up to this - literally no contact to me - and I had given her the opportunity previous to this to describe her feelings. Her feelings were along the lines of "I don't know what I want". This was really hurtful to me, as I'd been to the ends of the earth for this girl. So no, we never really had the breakup talk. But she'd been so sh*tty to me for days that I wasn't going to tolerate the behavior anymore.
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