FolderWife Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I took Friday off, and went to my Mom's for a long Mother's day weekend. I came back Sunday afternoon. I didn't really miss my husband. I was so busy that I didn't really have time to miss him. He'd come to mind occasionally, but I didn't have this YEARNING to have him with me. By Sunday, however, I started to miss him and home a little bit. When I got home Sunday afternoon, my husband and I spent a little time together, then I spent the rest of the evening unpacking and relaxing. At bedtime, we were talking, and I told him that I did pretty good. Usually, I'll go to Mom's on Saturday, and come back on Sunday afternoon. Usually by Sunday morning, I'm missing my husband so badly that I can't stand it. This time, I spet all day Friday and Saturday away from him, and didn't miss him terribly until Sunday morning. I wondered why I'd start wanting to come home so bad on Sunday. I thought it was that I couldn't go 24 hours without seeing him or I'd miss him, but it's Sunday morning that makes me miss him I asked him when he started to miss me, and he didn't say anything. I said, "It's ok if you didn't miss me." Then I honestly thought about it for a second, and then said, "...wait a minute, YES IT IS!" He asked, "Why?" I said, "Because I'm your wife...you're supposed to miss me a little bit when I'm not here. I missed you!" He said, "It doesn't mean that I don't love you." "It doesn't mean that I don't love you"...that's a small consolation. It BOTHERS me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 He probably missed you, but didn't miss the drama you two seem to have a lot of when you are together. That's why he said he loves you, probably - because he does, despite the problems you may have. Note that the drama kicked in pretty soon after you got home. That's what he probably doesn't miss, not you as a person. Maybe he can't tell where you end and the drama begins anymore, and that is why he didn't say he missed you: because by saying he missed you, he'd be untruthful at the same time because he didn't miss the drama he associates with you. Do you miss the drama associated with him? Do you miss his porn eruptions? His sullen refusal to communicate with you? All that bad stuff? I don't imagine you do, but I'm sure you love him no less for it. I expect in your mind, you are better able to put a greater distance between the positive and the negative than he is. He has an apparent broken emotional ability from whatever traumas he suffered when he was younger, and he won't be able to relate in the same way that you do to stuff like this.
moimeme Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 People excel at setting up conditions for others' love. They use these conditions to make themselves miserable. When you find yourself thinking things like "if you loved me you would (insert condition here)" then you are creating your own misery by setting yourself up to believe something that isn't true. We are not all built emotionally alike, and differences definitely exist between men and women in this respect. So to expect him to feel exactly the way you do about this is not reasonable. And then to get upset because he doesn't is even less reasonable.
Author FolderWife Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Oh pft~* I've been married long enough to know that he and I are not alike in ANY respect, so I know that if I feel something because I love him, it doesn't mean that he'll feel the same way because he loves me. I just get on here and tell people, "people who love each other want to spend time together and miss each other". Well, this weekend just proved me wrong. I don't blame him for not missing me. I mean, we watch TV in seperate rooms until bedtime usually, because we both need an hour to wind down before we can stand being around ANYONE, and after an hour it's bedtime So how can he miss me? The only real reason I missed him was probably because my home, my cat, and him were two hours away. I was probably more homesick than anything. He is who he is...I can accept that. I can't make him miss me.
Stone Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme People excel at setting up conditions for others' love. They use these conditions to make themselves miserable. When you find yourself thinking things like "if you loved me you would (insert condition here)" then you are creating your own misery by setting yourself up to believe something that isn't true. We are not all built emotionally alike, and differences definitely exist between men and women in this respect. So to expect him to feel exactly the way you do about this is not reasonable. And then to get upset because he doesn't is even less reasonable. Wow Moimeme you just put DR. Phill to shame that's AWASOME advice.
CurlyIam Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Monday, you weren't at home. That plays a big role in it also. You were away from your nest, that's all. Some people are clingier than others. Men are a bit more independant, that's all. Don't make a drama out of this, it's perfectly normal what happened. I think you have a bit too much free time on your hands. Get a hobby, something that you really enjoy doing... You won't care a fly's arse if your hubby missed ya or not! You'll have your passion !(I don't even believe it, but what the heck, we gotta keep hoping, my friend!!)
tiki Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Would he tell you even if he DID miss you? Would you miss you?
laRubiaBonita Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 i do not get you sometimes monday..... you post and b!tch about what a MF-er he is.....which he is, and i do not blame you for b!tchin..... BUt Dayam!!!! you did not miss him, so why would you even half expect him to miss you? anyway, he knows your feelings towards him so why would he tell you he missed you....if anything he would tell you he did not miss you just to piss you off.....which it did.
tiki Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Sometimes when a relationship is such a nuisance , any break is a good break...any time away is a good time. I'd fall apart without my husband for the weekend. I get so attached to him on the weekend, we follow each other around like puppy dogs. He had go out this weekend to weedeat and I was so sad. I'm such a loser.
laRubiaBonita Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Sometimes when a relationship is such a nuisance , any break is a good break...any time away is a good time. Maybe this is the beginning, Monday, the beginning of moving on. You went a few days, and did not miss him terribly, why not try going two weeks?
jmargel Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Moimoi is right in alot of respects. Also though Monday, I see you striving for his attention and his companionship. I see you striving for him to be treating you like the way he did treat you when you two first met. It seems like you are basing your self-worth based on what he does (looking at porn, not missing you, etc..). You keep chasing him and he continues to run off (kinda like chasing a dog). Instead of doing that why not let him chase you? Back off completely. Don't tell him you love him first, don't ask him questions about the porn, etc.. Don't breath down his neck. I doubt you were like this when you two first met. I'm sure he misses the old you. Once he sees that back, I'm sure he'll adjust. But it's going to take alot of time and effort on your part to make sure you keep backing off. Trust me, it'll work. I'm not saying be mean, but give him the chance to show you how much he loves you.
moimeme Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Wow Moimeme you just put DR. Phill to shame that's AWASOME advice. Thanks, Stone! Think they'd give me a multimillion-dollar contract to do TV?
krbshappy71 Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 He probably missed you, but didn't miss the drama you two seem to have a lot of when you are together. That's why he said he loves you, probably - because he does, despite the problems you may have. Note that the drama kicked in pretty soon after you got home. That's what he probably doesn't miss, not you as a person. Maybe he can't tell where you end and the drama begins anymore, and that is why he didn't say he missed you: because by saying he missed you, he'd be untruthful at the same time because he didn't miss the drama he associates with you. I totally agree with this. Just reading about the argument made me roll my eyes. Ever read the book "Don't sweat the small stuff"? Its a good one. Keep life in perspective. You have to love yourself before he can love you....so looking for ways for him to PROVE he loves you is just going to wear both of you out and push him away. But then, I shoot for less drama, not more, in my life. I don't ask questions for reassurance....because you may not get the exactly perfectly worded response you wanted and that's just lame. What if he had said "yah I missed you." in a monotone automated response? YAY YOU TRAINED HIM! No, you probably wouldn't be happy with that EITHER because it wasn't said WITH FEELING, or SWEETLY or....do you see where I'm going with this? When is it enough? It wasn't enough he was laying with you and talkng about your visit? That he was there to hold you and care for you? Or has that already been taken for granted, expected? *sigh* try to focus on what you HAVE instead of what you don't have, you will enjoy life so much more, chicky.
johan Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 What about that other guy who has been giving you attention? Did you miss him? Did he miss you?
wanting to heal Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 You can't make someone... Miss you Want you Look at you in a special way Drop you a love note Make an "I love you" call Think of you before themselves Trust you ..unless they want to and you give them reason Change, at least not for the good (they have to want to) Be happy Open up (unless they really want to) Be unconditional with you LOVE YOU (or love you in the way you think they should) You have to see if they want it, and if the needs you meet for them are the ones they want you to meet.
HotCaliGirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Monday, I think you have to think of some plans that will make him miss you and do some behavioral change. Go to your parents' house a little more often, and when you get back be a little indifferent and don't tell him that you missed him until he tells you first. Don't get mad at him though, that won't make him miss you. Also, it's good that he was honest and told you the truth instead of what you would have wanted to hear. wanting to heal wrote: You can't make someone... Miss you Want you... But you can DO things that WILL make someone do and feel those things for you.
Author FolderWife Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by johan What about that other guy who has been giving you attention? Did you miss him? Did he miss you? Ha ha! No I saw that disaster waiting to happen, so I stopped talking to him altogether, and started putting an effort back into my marriage. Plus, I've been feeling plump lately, and therefore very unsexy not even another man could help that. I was laying in bed last night, and I thought to myself, "He'd rather watch porn that be with me, he doesn't miss me when I'm gone, no matter WHAT I do, it's never good enough (laundry, vacuuming, dishes, etc.) My body has never been good enough (examples: I had a gap between my front teeth when we got married...I hated it. He suggested that since we have dental insurance now, I get it fixed, and I jumped at the chance, because it's what I wanted...but looking back, he never liked the gap. He always hinted that I'd look better with bigger boobs, until I finally decided to get breast implants. He talked me into getting my hair cut short after we'd been married a year, saying, "I always thought you'd look better with short hair"..I like long hair better...he has NEVER thought that I was skinny enough ) So in conclusion, if I were giving me advice, I'd say, "Honey...he's just not that in to you".
HotCaliGirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by Monday So in conclusion, if I were giving me advice, I'd say, "Honey...he's just not that in to you". That's the understatement of the year.
blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by Monday So in conclusion, if I were giving me advice, I'd say, "Honey...he's just not that in to you". When is enough enough? I totally understand being faithful and working on your marriage. But you've heard that saying, right? "What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." Stop the insanity!
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