katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) Nevermind .......... Good luck rain.... Edited August 14, 2015 by katiegrl
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 No, if she were smart, she'd just move on. Good god, what is happening to men? Despite a woman giving you a million signals she's interested, you still require HER to ask you out? Is her chasing you really that important to you? If so, why? Trying to *flip the script* after years of being told you need to be the one to chase/pursue? I don't get it. OP, assuming you do ask him out, if you continue to date him, expect to be in the driver's seat all the way. Good luck! a lot of men are unable to read those signals, what is so masculine about the guy asking the girl out instead of the other way around?
BluEyeL Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 He is not interested in dating you. Some men are just content with speaking on the phone and texting. Helps with their ego and they don't have to take you to dinner. Others wait for you to do the chasing so after you have sex and they dump you they can say "well she chased me, what was I supposed to do, say no?" Men who want to date you ask you out. Period. 2
katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 a lot of men are unable to read those signals, what is so masculine about the guy asking the girl out instead of the other way around? I did not say it was *masculine* so not sure where you got that. What it IS .... is *conditioning*. Since the beginning of time, men have been conditioned to pursue (at least in the very early stages) ...and women have been conditioned to show signs she is interested, and then respond (early stages like the first couple of dates). That has not changed, and most emotionally healthy red-blooded men know that. rain has told him she really likes him .....responds to all his texts, has been chatting with him, opening up to him for two weeks. What more does he need? Plus, he wasn't so clueless when he first met her ....being that HE was the one to approach her. He knows he should ask her out as well, come on now. I realize some men resent that role, I get it. That is why I suggested maybe he was trying to flip the script ...by waiting for HER to ask him out. This indicates, to me anyway, he has some issues relating to gender roles. Either that or he is just not that interested, commitment phobe or whatever. For me, I would not wish to get involved with a man like this, so I would move on. rain can do whatever SHE is comfortable with, just giving her my opinion, tis all.
katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 He is not interested in dating you. Some men are just content with speaking on the phone and texting. Helps with their ego and they don't have to take you to dinner. ****Others wait for you to do the chasing so after you have sex and they dump you they can say "well she chased me, what was I supposed to do, say no?"**** Men who want to date you ask you out. Period. ^^ So true! Many many women have experienced this, there is no denying it happens.
angel.eyes Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 You told him point blank you liked him! You talked to him about your expectations in a relationship. Since he was able to initiate the conversation when you first met, this isn't someone disabled by overwhelming shyness. Clearly he's capable of being proactive and initiating when he wants to. He's not asking you out because at some level, he's not that interested. Time to move on IMO. Stop responding and start focusing on other potential options.
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 There are choices here & none of them are perfect. The OP can 1. continue talking to him & hinting 2. stop talking to him & fade away 3. ask him out At this point, I'd opt for # 3 because 1 is not working & 2 doesn't get me what I want. Yes there are risks in asking a man out but to me they pale in comparison to the impotency of sitting around hand wringing.
angel.eyes Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Moving on isn't hand wringing. It's carrying on with your life when the other person doesn't follow through by asking you out. In your example, you verbally told him you were interested...but didn't actually ask him out on a date. The OP has done the same thing. She told him verbally she liked him. Nothing has come of that. Next!
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 katiegrl Yours is a valid position but from where I sit it feels very ridged & antiquated. I see too much pressure on men who are getting all sorts of mixed messages about being more open minded but still being required to be Alpha. All I'm suggesting is that as a modern woman, all women realize how much power we do have & that it's OK to act to make your desires realities or at the very least make it as easy as possible for men, who have insecurities of their own, to make that first move. While I don't hear you saying you do nothing to encourage a man, I actually feel bad for guys when we still put all the pressure on them. As gender roles continue to evolve, it's tough on all sides. So from a humanitarian perspective, making it easier all the way around seems to be the kindest thing to do. 2
mortensorchid Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Shy? Maybe he is. But remember that he is not shy about doing other things, I'm sure you can think of things like that. He's simply not interested in you. If you ask him chances he will say no. I think it's best to move on. 1
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 If he were truly interested in her, HE would be asking HER out! . Not necessarily. There is a thread where the OP sees this girl at the gym that he really likes, but continues to delay asking her out....this has been going on for over two months now and he still can't do it. He just keeps making excuses that it wasn't the right time, or keeps asking us if the signals she's giving him are of interest or he had to race off to his workout class because the instructor was calling him, etc. Some guys just have no ballz.
katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Not necessarily. There is a thread where the OP sees this girl at the gym that he really likes, but continues to delay asking her out....this has been going on for over two months now and he still can't do it. He just keeps making excuses that it wasn't the right time, or keeps asking us if the signals she's giving him are of interest or he had to race off to his workout class because the instructor was calling him, etc. Some guys just have no ballz. Fair enough but in THIS case, they have been chatting for two weeks and the OP (rain) has told him she really likes him! What more does he need?
BluEyeL Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Ask him out, I say. But I think he's just not that into you. The sooner you find out the better
LoveRefreshed Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Some guys just have no ballz. And sometimes, some guys were humiliated or insulted after asking a girl out so now have legitimate fear of doing so. I remember a girl telling me that another girl liked me and I should ask her out. So I did and said other girl basically mocked and laughed at me after I did. First time ever asking a girl out- one girl lied to make me look like a dbag, and the other girl destroyed my confidence for a long time.
katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Fair enough but in THIS case, they have been chatting for two weeks and the OP (rain) has told him she really likes him! What more does he need? To add ..... he had the "ballz" to approach her... so what's the problem? Suddenly, he lost his ballz to ask her out on a date? Despite her flat out telling him she likes him? Really? Anyway, yeah to go ahead and asking him out. If he says yes, fabulous. If not, oh well.... just move on. OR he may accept, and then expect you to do all the pursuing going forward. Who knows... nothing ventured nothing gained I guess (as they say)... 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Fair enough but in THIS case, they have been chatting for two weeks and the OP (rain) has told him she really likes him! What more does he need? As much as I detest gender roles in that case I think that has gone too far and that guy deserved to lose her
candie13 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 texting a lot creates a false sense of intimacy. I will say it straight out - it does not look good. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Be smart and show you've listened to him: isn't there an interesting art exhibit or concert in town that you both want to see - or like ? Instead of asking him "so when are you gonna ask me out" which sounds a bit accusatory and passive aggressive, why don't you just say "hey, I'm there's this thing I like, xxx, how about you come with me to see it? we'll finally be able to chat face to face ;)" or smth similar. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Don't waste your time, ok? cheers 1
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 And sometimes, some guys were humiliated or insulted after asking a girl out so now have legitimate fear of doing so. I remember a girl telling me that another girl liked me and I should ask her out. So I did and said other girl basically mocked and laughed at me after I did. First time ever asking a girl out- one girl lied to make me look like a dbag, and the other girl destroyed my confidence for a long time. Let me guess....junior high?
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 So we can all conclude that this guy is just being friendly and has no sexual attraction towards her, and she is misinterpreting his friendliness as interest?????
Vintage79 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 As much as I detest gender roles in that case I think that has gone too far and that guy deserved to lose her BronzeAge - the situation is that she loses him - he clearly isn't pursuing her, so it's hard to say that he's losing her. Basically, if she fades, he loses nothing, she has uncertainty, questions, and unsatisfied desires...if she fades, you can say that the guy should lose her, but she's really hurting herself - at least if she doesn't ask him out. Asking him out is harmless - nothing bad will come of it, and she gets a definitive answer - people on this forum need to stop encouraging people to be lame and sit around wait for someone to ask them out...it's keeping women in the stone age and at the mercy of men... 1
katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) BronzeAge - the situation is that she loses him - he clearly isn't pursuing her, so it's hard to say that he's losing her. Basically, if she fades, he loses nothing, she has uncertainty, questions, and unsatisfied desires...if she fades, you can say that the guy should lose her, but she's really hurting herself - at least if she doesn't ask him out. Asking him out is harmless - nothing bad will come of it, and she gets a definitive answer - people on this forum need to stop encouraging people to be lame and sit around wait for someone to ask them out...it's keeping women in the stone age and at the mercy of men... You know what... after reading what D0nnivain posted who I respect very much.... you are right, she should ask him out. Like I said, if he accepts, fabulous, if not, oh well.... move on. The reason why I was being so stubborn about it was because I have two close friends who did the asking for the first date. And from then on, it was ALWAYS them doing the asking, otherwise they would never see the guys. One friend's situation turned out to be nothing more than a FWB (if that). It was more like a F*ck Buddy situation. She fell in love with him.... but HE just continued to string her along. They went for weeks sometimes without seeing each other until SHE would call him... he would invite her over.... and they would f*ck. This went on for two years, until heartbroken and devastated she ended it. NOW, she swears she will never do the asking out (first date) again. My other friend's situation was a bit better .... but that's only because she's sort of an aggressive take charge gal and the guy was passive (by nature) so she was happy to do all of the pursuing. So that is why I feel as I do. But times are a changing and I have heard of couples working out where the woman was the one to do the asking out initially. However, in THIS case, we know he's not passive or shy as he had no problem approaching her. Which for some men is VERY difficult to do. But no problem for this guy. So who knows. rain, just ask him out and let the chips fall where they may. Keep us posted and good luck! Edited August 14, 2015 by katiegrl
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 You know what... after reading what D0nnivain posted who I respect very much.... you are right, she should ask him out. Like I said, if he accepts, fabulous, if not, oh well.... move on. The reason why I was being so stubborn about it was because I have two close friends who did the asking for the first date. And from then on, it was ALWAYS them doing the asking, otherwise they would never see the guys. One friend's situation turned out to be nothing more than a FWB (if that). It was more like a F*ck Buddy situation. She fell in love with him.... but HE just continued to string her along. They went for weeks sometimes without seeing each other until SHE would call him... he would invite her over.... and they would f*ck. This went on for two years, until heartbroken and devastated she ended it. NOW, she swears she will never do the asking out (first date) again. My other friend's situation was a bit better .... but that's only because she's sort of an aggressive take charge gal and the guy was passive (by nature) so she was happy to do all of the pursuing. So that is why I feel as I do. But times are a changing and I have heard of couples working out where the woman was the one to do the asking out initially. However, in THIS case, we know he's not passive or shy as he had no problem approaching her. Which for some men is VERY difficult to do. But no problem for this guy. So who knows. rain, just ask him out and let the chips fall where they may. Keep us posted and good luck! why should the man also be in the drivers seat?
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Katiegrl Thank you for realizing I wasn't attacking you. I appreciate what you said about me. When a woman asks out a man, what happened to your friends is a risk. It is the other side of the gender role reversal because certain men will take that 1st ask as a reason to be lazy about dating & a green light to easy sex. On the rare occasion when I did the initial ask & the guy said yes, after that 1st date, I'd pointedly throw the ball back in his court: I had fun. Call me if you want to get together again. Some called. Some didn't. But nobody mistook me for an easy lay. Without more context from here I can't tell if he is shy, clueless or uninterested but my 3 choices still stand. At least by asking, the OP will know. Yes, she can just drop him but that doesn't have any chance of getting her what she wants. While he may rejected her at least asking & getting a rejection will enable her to move forward with a clean slate but on a positive note, it might get her a date or a BF. We regret more in life the things we try rather than those we don't. 1
katiegrl Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 why should the man also be in the drivers seat? Bronze.... he shouldn't be anything he doesn't want to be. Like I said with one of my friend's, her boyfriend was more than happy to remain passive and let my friend do all the pursuing (and be in the driver's seat). They were in a relationship and she seemed happy for awhile .... until she eventually got sick of his passivity (felt unloved, unappreciated) and ended it. I think most women feel that when the man is pursuing her (in those early stages) it indicates he is interested in her... and she feels safer, more secure. THAT is why women prefer the men to do the asking IMO. When a man does not ask her out .... in many cases, it DOES mean he's not all that interested, and women know this so they remain cautious about it and hesitant to do the asking. This is just the way it is Bronze. Like I said, conditioning. It takes a long time to break away from that sort of conditioning. I agree it's not fair ... but who said life was fair? Women are uncomfortable for nine months while pregnant and then endure severe pain while giving birth. Is that fair? No... it's just the way it is. In rain's case, sure she could ask him out. But given the particular facts in HER situation -- with him approaching her, chatting her up for two weeks, etc. but NOT asking her out ..... I don't believe he is all that interested. But if she wants to go for it... sure, why not. After that though....if he continues to be passive about it, allowing her to take charge and do all the asking, then she should question his interest IMO. My personal feelings on relationships is that in the initial stages, like the first couple of dates, I prefer the man ask me out. After that, and once a relationship is established, they should both be pursuing each other. That is how all my relationships went, including current. My boyfriend asked me out for the first couple of dates, expressed his interest so I felt safe and secure, and then I asked him over for dinner on the third date. And from then on, it was BOTH of us doing the asking. But by then, I felt secure knowing he was very into me .... which made all the difference in the world. I think if men realized that for a woman... all she really wants is to feel safe, secure and cherished .... she would be happy to take an equal part in the pursuing. But with so many women chasing men and then being tossed out like yesterday's newspaper, I think it's difficult for many women to trust that when SHE asks HIM out, he is interested in HER, and NOT just a booty call. JMO.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Bronze.... he shouldn't be anything he doesn't want to be. Like I said with one of my friend's, her boyfriend was more than happy to remain passive and let my friend do all the pursuing (and be in the driver's seat). They were in a relationship and she seemed happy for awhile .... until she eventually got sick of his passivity (felt unloved, unappreciated) and ended it. I think most women feel that when the man is pursuing her (in those early stages) it indicates he is interested in her... and she feels safer, more secure. THAT is why women prefer the men to do the asking IMO. When a man does not ask her out .... in many cases, it DOES mean he's not all that interested, and women know this so they remain cautious about it and hesitant to do the asking. This is just the way it is Bronze. Like I said, conditioning. It takes a long time to break away from that sort of conditioning. I agree it's not fair ... but who said life was fair? Women are uncomfortable for nine months while pregnant and then endure severe pain while giving birth. Is that fair? No... it's just the way it is. In rain's case, sure she could ask him out. But given the particular facts in HER situation -- with him approaching her, chatting her up for two weeks, etc. but NOT asking her out ..... I don't believe he is all that interested. But if she wants to go for it... sure, why not. After that though....if he continues to be passive about it, allowing her to take charge and do all the asking, then she should question his interest IMO. My personal feelings on relationships is that in the initial stages, like the first couple of dates, I prefer the man ask me out. After that, and once a relationship is established, they should both be pursuing each other. That is how all my relationships went, including current. My boyfriend asked me out for the first couple of dates, expressed his interest so I felt safe and secure, and then I asked him over for dinner on the third date. And from then on, it was BOTH of us doing the asking. But by then, I felt secure knowing he was very into me .... which made all the difference in the world. I think if men realized that for a woman... all she really wants is to feel safe, secure and cherished .... she would be happy to take an equal part in the pursuing. But with so many women chasing men and then being tossed out like yesterday's newspaper, I think it's difficult for many women to trust that when SHE asks HIM out, he is interested in HER, and NOT just a booty call. JMO. I will admit, opening someone up first, as in approaching and talking to someone first, breaking the ice, bothers me more than literally asking out
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