truncated Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 After reading many threads on here, it seems that some men and women who are married are able to compartmentalize different aspects of their life and be happily married and have someone on the side. They have no trouble keeping them 100 separate , and "never the 'twain shall meet". How is this possible? I know some professions call for people being able to keep their professional life and the personal life separate, but among the people I know who fall into that category ( and I know a lot) one eventually bleeds over into the other. No so with some married cheaters. The seem to be able to put spouse/home/kids/ life into box A and the affair into box B and be perfectly happy in both. I've even heard of some religious leaders who will pontificate about the sins of adultery then basically sleep with anyone who will have them, keeping it all separate and really believing what they say about sin. How can someone do this? It's so dishonest. Personally, I would have trouble trusting them in any other aspect of their life, if they were ale to lie so easily and so convincingly. Are they even honest with themselves? 1
StalwartMind Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Most humans probably feel like they can justify anything they do, with little or no regard to most moral things, even if it means being a contradiction to their own beliefs and standards. Throw on top of this that some are adept manipulators, or skilled in other areas where the feelings of other humans are cast well aside, and you have the wonderful chaotic state that is called humanity. Everyone have such wildly different ideas of what is correct and good behavior, and what do we even base that on to begin with? Is it all relative to the environment we currently reside it, every area will constantly have new set views even if they only shift slightly. Ideally we want to be around people who share almost identical views on things, but even that is no guarantee that there won't be certain things where one will find something highly dishonest/inappropriate. None of us will ever truly know what, how or why goes in other people's head, for whatever it's worth that's why I'd encourage anyone to be skeptical towards others. I can fully understand why you'd have a hard time trusting such people in other aspects of their life too, it doesn't exactly reinforce your liking of someone, when their entire life could be made up of lies that even they themselves are blind to. 1
Arieswoman Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) truncated, you pose an interesting question. As for "compartmentalisation" - well, some people can do it and some can't. I think it's more a male trait than a female one. Psychology defines compartmentalization as a defense mechanism, or a coping strategy, which doesn’t impart a very good connotation. It’s how our minds deal with conflicting internal standpoints simultaneously. Some examples would be: a doctor who is religious, but has to separate her belief system from her practice at a women’s abortion clinic; a man who leaves his office at 6pm, and refuses to think about work for the rest of the evening, so he can enjoy his time with his family or, at its extreme, soldiers who need to file away the trauma of horrific events in their minds, so they can continue operating in battle. Coping strategies are short-term solutions, and they have positive and negative aspects. Those soldiers find it works in combat but once they come back to their regular lives, they often find those pushed away memories coming back to haunt them, like in cases of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. See ; https://noubelle.wordpress.com/2012/03/15/emotional-compartmentalization-when-does-it-stop-helping-you-and-start-hurting-you/ This why when DD hits a cheater the full consequence of their duplicity kicks them squarely in the butt they become disorientated for a short time. Edited August 12, 2015 by Arieswoman 1
central Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 How can someone do this? It's so dishonest. I agree. As you note though, many people are able to do this, even so. I just think it's human nature since it is so common a coping tactic. With very few exceptions, humans will act in their own self-interest, with only the location of their boundaries differing. It's a form of selfishness, really. And then there are those who prefer honesty and integrity, whether that means not having affairs, or having open, consensual additional relationships.
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I think it becomes, sadly, habit. And then a means of keeping whatever it is they want to have or feel entitled to have. Think of people who are able to keep a gambling addiction, a porn addiction, financial issues, etc. from those closest to them. It is the same principle. I know someone who died of cancer after battling it for over a year, and NO ONE in the family, not even her spouse, knew she was ill. It does make it easier when the spouse who is being deceived is not really paying attention anyway, but even when that is not the case, sadly, humans can be or can become very skilled liars. People ignore cognitive dissonance all the time 1
carhill Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I don't see a positive correlation between compartmentalizing and lying. Sure, a person can do both but doing one doesn't mean they're doing the other. To use an example away from the apparent infidelity topic, my dad compartmentalized the killing he did during the war away from the love and devotion he had for his family. He didn't lie to us, rather simply put away the killing in a box and didn't visibly visit it for his natural life. He could have lied to us, sure. I only knew anything of his experiences from reading his letters, which he kept private until he died, and viewing his war medals and other memories, again stored away from view while he was alive. That's one example of compartmentalization. In the realm of love, people love people differently and compartmentalize that love. That's how our behaviors of love aren't equal with everyone. We love a parent, a sibling, a child, a spouse, a friend all differently and each interaction has specifics which reside in their own compartment and don't impact the other compartments. Humans tend to place, as an ideal, sexual love into a compartment which has no peer. One can love another sexually, but only to the exclusion of all others. No other boxes of sexual love can exist. We call that box the monogamy box. We can still love, and do, in all the other boxes, but only one sexual love box can exist. For those of us who don't subscribe to that ideal, sexual love boxes can be placed alongside other love boxes and each love is discrete. Watch how people prioritize who they love and rationalize their own unique priority. Sometimes they invoke the ideals of society. Sometimes not. We each do things in our own way, a function of free will. Any, yup, we lie. Not necessarily all the time, but there's not a one of us alive who hasn't lied. It's all part of being human. Again, we rationalize our lies, also a human trait. Society judges our lies and actions. All part of human social groups. Membership is voluntary. 5
Furious Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 After reading many threads on here, it seems that some men and women who are married are able to compartmentalize different aspects of their life and be happily married and have someone on the side. They have no trouble keeping them 100 separate , and "never the 'twain shall meet". How is this possible? I know some professions call for people being able to keep their professional life and the personal life separate, but among the people I know who fall into that category ( and I know a lot) one eventually bleeds over into the other. No so with some married cheaters. The seem to be able to put spouse/home/kids/ life into box A and the affair into box B and be perfectly happy in both. I've even heard of some religious leaders who will pontificate about the sins of adultery then basically sleep with anyone who will have them, keeping it all separate and really believing what they say about sin. How can someone do this? It's so dishonest. Personally, I would have trouble trusting them in any other aspect of their life, if they were ale to lie so easily and so convincingly. Are they even honest with themselves? Interesting topic, great post. For those who's actions and words are in sync it makes no sense when other's do the opposite. I too had trouble wrapping my mind around how some people compartmentalize and can live a double life. My amazing and brilliant therapist said something that was absolutely eye opening. She said that for those who compartmentalize and can live a double life, it's their "normal", and for them they are as just as mystified by those who who don't think and live that way. For these folks everyone lies and cheats or puts on a facade, that's normal in their eyes, everyone does it, and life isn't fair and the smart ones take what they can get. These folks are sincere in an odd way, they really do believe all's fair in love and war. 2
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I tend NOT to think all people on earth fit into one of only two categories. That said, there is a difference between honest compartmentalization (I don't bring home my work because of confidentiality) and dishonest compartmentalization (I'll hide my affair). 2
Author truncated Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 Sorry, but comparing compartmentalization of one's job or what they did during a time of war is not even in the same league, it is so different. My husband is a soldier,and has had to compartmentalize the things he id in combat because they are very hard to deal with. Doing this is not lying to me. If he was cheating, and was able to put that into it's own box and not let it bleed into our marriage, that would be a lie, even if by omission. In our marriage, he made promises to me to love, be faithful be honest. Cheating would be breaking all of those. How can someone tell their spouse they love them, spend time with them, sleep with them, spend time together as a family, plan for the future, etc. all the while knowing they are having an affair on the side. I would be suspicious of anyone who was able to do that without a twinge of guilt. There are some peoplel who do. 1
autumnnight Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Sorry, but comparing compartmentalization of one's job or what they did during a time of war is not even in the same league, it is so different. My husband is a soldier,and has had to compartmentalize the things he id in combat because they are very hard to deal with. Doing this is not lying to me. If he was cheating, and was able to put that into it's own box and not let it bleed into our marriage, that would be a lie, even if by omission. In our marriage, he made promises to me to love, be faithful be honest. Cheating would be breaking all of those. How can someone tell their spouse they love them, spend time with them, sleep with them, spend time together as a family, plan for the future, etc. all the while knowing they are having an affair on the side. I would be suspicious of anyone who was able to do that without a twinge of guilt. There are some peoplel who do. That was my point, that compartmentalization itself may not be a red flag. However, the simplistic idea that all people are either "liars" or "not liars" is a fallacy, and a risky one at that. 3
cocorico Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 That was my point, that compartmentalization itself may not be a red flag. However, the simplistic idea that all people are either "liars" or "not liars" is a fallacy, and a risky one at that. Agreed. I find compartmentalising easy - and I think we all do it, to an extent. Our work lives demand norms of professionalism in our behaviour that require us to "be" one way in a professional context, while our home lives require us to perform other roles (parent, responsible home owner, etc) and our social lives allow other facets to come to the fore (party animal, clown, etc) and our hobbies, outside interests and political engagement again foster other aspects. It isn't a lack of authenticity, but more a sense of appropriateness to context. When I'm at work, I'm at work - I don't think about home, or my social life, or my outside interests - I focus on my work. My work mates I see in work contexts, separate to my social friends, and separate to my family. Research has also showed that people who speak more than one language have different "personae" for each language, and I recognise that too. When I speak my second language, I express myself in a different way, choosing different idioms and different gestures and foregrounding different aspects - possibly due to the contexts in which I first came to fluency in that language, and the groups among whom I speak it. My other languages likewise - though my home language has perhaps more than one "persona" attached as I speak more than one "dialect". That said, I have never been unfaithful in a relationship. Compartmentalising does not mean inauthenticity or dishonesty. It means separation. My H, who sucks at compartmentalising, and is the world's worst liar, was the one who managed an A. Go figure.
Got it Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I agree with cocorico and have seen similar parallels. I very much compartmentalize at work, it is the healthiest tactic to not take issues at work personally and have created, and advocate to others, to separate the two. My husband struggles far more with that, especially leaving work at work, but sustained an affair much longer. In that vein, there wasn't a lot of hiding he was doing. Things were so separated, and disconnected, that outside of announcing he was in an affair, pretty much just maintained his life. In regards to lying, I am far more adapt at lying than he is as he has a couple tells that make them obvious. It is something I learned to do at a young age to conflict avoid, etc. but I choose not to do so any more. In both a business and personal setting, I choice to be transparent and forthright. 1
Author truncated Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 I really wish people would actually read the first post before replying. I wans;t talking about people who compartmentalize at work. I was talking about people who compartmentalize in the context of an affair/ marriage. This is a very different kettle of fish. Would you be able to trust someone who you knew was able to to be married, have an affair with someone else, come home and be able to lie to their spouses face and convince them that everything is fine in their marriage? They are still affectionate, still have sex, still go places and do things together. The same person then goes to the ow/om and convinces them that they are unhappy in their marriage, they aren't still having sex, they hardly speak, etc. The only "work based" scenario that I can think of that is even remotely similar would be if a con man married a woman and was stealing her life savings, all the while convincing her their marriage was wonderful and he loved her. Would you be able to trust that man in other aspects of his life?
Author truncated Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 I agree with cocorico and have seen similar parallels. I very much compartmentalize at work, it is the healthiest tactic to not take issues at work personally and have created, and advocate to others, to separate the two. My husband struggles far more with that, especially leaving work at work, but sustained an affair much longer. In that vein, there wasn't a lot of hiding he was doing. Things were so separated, and disconnected, that outside of announcing he was in an affair, pretty much just maintained his life. In regards to lying, I am far more adapt at lying than he is as he has a couple tells that make them obvious. It is something I learned to do at a young age to conflict avoid, etc. but I choose not to do so any more. In both a business and personal setting, I choice to be transparent and forthright. From what I understand, you were not happy in your marriage, and you ended it quite quickly after the affair started. you didn't drag it out for years, telling him you were still happy with him, etc. You were honest with him and ended your marriage.
autumnnight Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 No, I wouldn't be able to trust someone who was currently cheating and then coming home to their spouse like nothing happened. Would ANYONE? However, if they had ended the A, turned from it, done work, etc....then I see no reason not to trust them down the road once they had proven themselves. 1
Methodical Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 The type of person you mention is selfish, manipulative and can justify their actions to suit their purpose or lifestyle. I believe a person who lies so easily and can convince the om/ow that their marriage has all but disintegrated when that's clearly not the case, has lied so much that they are actually capable of living that particular fabricated persona while in the affair partner's company, and then they return home to their wife/husband and live that persona while in their company. I wouldn't trust a person who lived a double lifestyle - lying to both parties for selfish gratification. When both parties are informed and consent* to an open lifestyle, that's another ball of wax, which doesn't fall into the category of lying and cheating although more than one relationship is taking place.
Author truncated Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 No, I wouldn't be able to trust someone who was currently cheating and then coming home to their spouse like nothing happened. Would ANYONE? However, if they had ended the A, turned from it, done work, etc....then I see no reason not to trust them down the road once they had proven themselves. The first situation is the one I was referring to in my op. Some people seem to be able to do this, and not just once, but over and over. I wonder if they even feel as if they are lying and being dishonest.
cocorico Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Would you be able to trust someone who you knew was able to to be married, have an affair with someone else, come home and be able to lie to their spouses face and convince them that everything is fine in their marriage? They are still affectionate, still have sex, still go places and do things together. The same person then goes to the ow/om and convinces them that they are unhappy in their marriage, they aren't still having sex, they hardly speak, etc. Nope. Haven't met anyone like this IRL, perhaps where you live and the circles you move in makes a difference?
Got it Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 From what I understand, you were not happy in your marriage, and you ended it quite quickly after the affair started. you didn't drag it out for years, telling him you were still happy with him, etc. You were honest with him and ended your marriage. I can't say I was honest as in I didn't tell him about the affair. I was honest on my feelings about it that were independent of the affair and did communicate that. But was speaking more to the compartmentalizing in a professional career and keeping it separate from work. This is very common in law enforcement, firefighting, paramedics, high security government, etc. You just learn to try and leave work at work. Though I do agree the ability to compartmentalize can be a slippery slope into using it in a negative way it can be a neutral skill set.
Author truncated Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Nope. Haven't met anyone like this IRL, perhaps where you live and the circles you move in makes a difference? :laugh::laugh: You just illustrated my point. Thanks for doing so. You might very well know many people like that and not even know it. I doubt you know everything about the lives of those in your circle of friends/ acquaintances. That is the whole point of my original question, and it does happen, regardless of which "circles you move in".
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