My story. Trying to keep my head up *Long read*

[dp_322]

Hi all. I've been reading a lot here for the past month or so to help me cope and it has been a great help. Thank you all for sharing. It helps knowing some of the weird feelings we have are normal after all.

 

I think I'm ready to share my story.

It's a long read so I will try to put it up in chapters.

 

The beginning.

We fell madly in love right away. I thought she was just a party girl but there was something more. Very soon I discovered it was not only that she liked to party, but she had a serious drug problem.

 

I decided I didn't want to be a part of that kind of lifestyle, so I dumped her. It was hard because we were really into each other, I really liked her but I couldn't be a part of this. I got a peak into her world at the time and it was bat**** crazy!

 

She told me she wanted out, sent me poems and all of that, we talked and she seemed serious of cleaning up her act.

 

Alcoholism and drug addiction is something I wasn't familiar with, so I decided to talk to a friend that is a recovering alcoholic about the situation. It was a lot more behind this story but in short she told me that this girl needed me now. I decided to stand by her, give her my support and see where things would lead things.

 

She really meant it. She sobered up, got clean, got into the AA program and kept me involved. I even attended open AA meetings with her every week for a long period of time. In the beginning she often went to two meetings a day, but at least one a day.

 

She has three children from her previous marriage. They married young, almost right after they met, were both heavy drug abusers. This was a toxic marriage and abusive, physically and mentally. After the divorce she got clean for a little while, and he got clean few months later. He has stayed clean and sober, very active in NA and has built a good life. Married a wonderful woman and has a successful business.

At first the kids stayed with her one week and with him one week. She relapsed and didn't see her children for a few months, cleaned up, came back for a few weeks or months, then relapsed again. This was her cycle.

 

When we were together I learned that the children were with their father, and she was not allowed to meet or speak with them. She had to be clean and clear headed. She told me her story, and for most part I think she was being honest with me about it and with herself about it.

Truth be told I didn't really like him, because he used to beat her up, sometimes badly. She insisted it was due to the drug problem they both had, and he had sunk really deep in. Drugs make you go crazy and she also tried to explain, as did others, that I needed to separate the addict from the sober and clean person. I tried and with time I was able to do that. I stopped resenting the man for what he had done to her, knowing he was out of his mind at the time, and not the same person.

 

Well, when she had proven she was doing good, her ex lets her back into their children's life. Slowly she earned back his trust. We got a better apartment, and soon enough the kids were spending every other weekend at our place.

 

Our relationship grew stronger, we were madly in love and everything was going the right way. The children started spending more time with us than just the every other weekend. Every day off in school and holidays and summer vacation was mostly with us.

 

Slowly she earned back the trust of her friends and most importantly her family. She was happy, glowing in fact, and really alive. I was there for her, and she was there for me. I grew as a man, she helped me a lot too.

She encouraged me to follow my dreams, so I went to school, while she worked two jobs like crazy so we could afford it. We got married. I graduated. I started working and slowly our financials became better. We moved much closer to the kids so they could be even more around. We tough them how to take the bus so they could come over at any time.

Life was good. It was in fact better than good, it was almost perfect.

Then she relapsed.

What happened was a trigger was pulled regarding some deep, deep, deep pain she had bottled up for 20 years. I don't want to go into details here but after the trigger was pulled, a lot of stuff uncovered before her eyes, stuff she hadn't known about, and she felt as her whole life was a big lie.

She relapsed and started hanging around of couple of guys that were into drugs and drinking. I looked at it as a phase because of what just happened, but she started to pull herself away when I was trying to reel her back to me.

I was getting really worried about the situation, her well being and her treatment towards me. She started gaslighting me, devaluing me among other narcissistic traits. She started to get close to one of the guys and told me he was her confidential friend. She felt she could not share what she was going through with me because I saw it as just black and white, and she wasn't mad at me because of it, she understood. I asked if she was having an emotional affair, she said no, the friendship between them was something special but I didn't need to worry, I would understand it as soon as I would realize the special bond they were having and I would find it beautiful as well.

I never suspected her of cheating on me, because I knew how much in love with me my wife was, and the fact this boy is 8 years younger than she is, has nothing to offer because he is a addict that really didn't live anywhere, and to me was boring as a brick, I wasn't worried about her but I knew he was a lot into her. I figured if and when he would make his move, my wife would set her foot down.

But stuff escalated fast. I was with my eyes set on a tipping point were I would snap her back and have her clean up her act. She stopped coming home, texting me asking for understanding and to be patient. She went to a psychologist to start a therapy to work on this issue. The psychologist said to her the reason she was starting to work on this old matter now, was because she was in a good place in her life and wanted to get rid off old baggage.

 

The cheating.

Then it happened. She cheated on me with that looser. I don't know where I went. I broke down and was so mad that I can't describe it. But once I cooled down, I tried to look at the bigger picture. The family, understanding the place she was coming from. I did not want to act out and take final decisions in that state of mind I was in, only to look back with regrets two years down the line. The history was too long and there was too much involved. The children etc. I decided to work on forgiveness while she would work out on her old case, then, when she would be ready, we would go to couples counseling and try and see if this could be fixed. She stayed clean for a few days but relapsed again, went behind my back to meet this looser again. She projected the problem onto me like it was my fault, she was a grown women and could do what ever she wanted to do. He was only her friend and she needed him.

 

The day after she went to her psychologist again. She called me and said she needed some time alone. She said I didn't have to go out or anything she just needed some time to her self and reflect and think.

I said I'll go out and give you space. I was expecting 3-5 days. She insisted that we would be careful in our communications so try hard not to mess up.

 

We agreed to go out on a date in two days.

 

I go out to give her space.

The day after I went out with a little suitcase, he moved in. I didn't know about it, but I found out he and his friend spent the night few days after and I was really unhappy about it, but for some odd reason I trusted her when she said there was nothing going on between them. He was simply being there for her when she needed it and I couldn't in this case.

The only thing I could do was not approving.

Her arguments didn't make any sense, I didn't know who I was talking to, it wasn't my wife.

 

I went LC. She tried to call but I didn't pick up the phone. She sent my messages on facebook, I didn't read them.

 

Then, she tried to call, and sent me many messages on facebook, and tried to call many times. I knew this time I had to pick up the phone because it was our weekend with the kids.

 

I finally answered the phone and she put her kids on the phone right away.

I decided to come and give them a hug because she had told them there were issues between us, and I was really mad at her. The kids were shocked and very sad, crying, so I had to come and comfort them.

 

When I came I found out the kids wouldn't be staying for the night, they were going out of town with their father and his wife attending some big family thing on his side.

 

I sat with the kids on the floor holding them all in my hands and we were all crying. This is the last time we were all together, and that was her vision of it, as she looked at me and her children, suffering from what she had done.

 

Shortly before the kids were to be picked up, the looser comes, sees the kids but doesn't stop, sees me and runs for the hill. I saw him, I looked at my wife with huge anger in my eyes, hugged all of the children and went to my car and drove off. She called after me: It isn't what you think! When I drove off she called my phone, I hung up and turned it off. I blocked her from facebook, along the idiot drug addict friends of hers.

 

The day after I get a text from her: Happy birthday. (Yeah, it was my bday). I didn't respond.

 

Total silence for 9 days.

 

She calls me early in the morning. I decided to pick up. She told me psychotherapy sessions were going great, So much going on in her head, she felt as she was moving forward. She wanted us to meet and talk. There was so much she wanted to share with me and tell me. She wanted us to hold each other and cry together. She said her therapist had told her to respect my boundaries. I said she crossed that line every single day (by spending time with the guy she cheated on me). I said I didn't know when I would be ready to see her. We talked for 10 minutes. It felt so good. She never got angry, no gaslighting , no projection, she didn't raise her voice.

After that phone call I felt in power again. I felt as in I would be the one to decide if I wanted to try and repair our relationship.

 

Reality check.

Five days later, I walked out of 7-11 and saw his car coming into the parking lot. She was with him. I was in a good mood and thought if I should say hi. Then I decided not to, because I was not OK with her spending so much time with him. In fact I didn't want her to see him at all!

I wanted her to see me, and see that I saw her, then I would go without speaking to her. Showing my disapproval.

Then I see them kissing in his car. I went Hulk rage mode and stormed at his car, opened up the passenger door, climbed over my wife and punched the guy repeatedly in the face until I hear some chattering outside. I stop, look up and see a lot of people staring. I climbed out. My wife was freaked out. Her words "What is going on?" I looked straight into her eyes, with huge resentment and hatred in my eyes, and I noticed her twinkle in her eyes was gone, her eyes looked dead to me. She always had this sprinkle in her eyes, but it was gone. I stormed into my car and drove off.

 

Aftermath

I called her mother to let her know that her daughter had fallen off the wagon, and perhaps she could let the people know that needed knowing (the father of her children, her sister because she was sometimes taking care of her toddler etc.). She said she knew, and the people that needed to know, knew. She told me that the police raided the house earlier this week (the same day we spoke on the phone) looking for drugs. Her sister found out and took action.

I know at this time I should have already done something, but me hoping it would blow over soon and not realizing how bad it actually was at the time because I was in such denial, prevented me of doing the responsible thing right away. But at that time, I did, but they already knew.

 

I was devastated and in such pain I can not put it into words. I simply did not understand. It messed me up so badly.

 

A week later she called me from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone and she was very formal. Introduced herself almost like she was calling from the bank or something.

She asked if I had called her mother, after we "met" last week, lying to her that she was under the influence. I said yes, I called, I told her, when she asked if I was sure, I said I think so, but it could be it was what I thought it was because nothing else made sense to me.

She said "We are officially over, we will sign the divorce papers (gave me date). If you will ever speak to any of my people and lie about me, I will have you beaten up." Then she hung up. The call lasted for 91 seconds.

 

And that was it, a phone call that lasted for 91 seconds. A lot of big news in such a short time. I was accused of lying to my mother in law, got the info we were officially over, got the news I was getting divorced and I was threatened with violence. A lot to process.

 

I was scared. Because I know this wasn't like her at all, and nothing was like her. The woman I married would never have anybody beaten up. She was kind, loving, forgiving, warm and all in for human rights. She hated violence. But she's gone bat**** crazy, I don't know who the hell I'm dealing with anymore and she knows a lot of scary dudes.

 

I blocked all of her family and friends from facebook. Then I simply closed my account. I took the threat seriously.

 

I was scared. Both for myself and my family's safety.

 

Breadcrumbs

Few days later I got a e-mail. It said: "I know you don't believe me but I love you and I always have"

Two hours later I got another e-mail. It said: "I have packed some of you personal stuff if you want to get it contact me. It's hard and as I close each box I cry. I need to move forward and I have to believe this is the right chose for both of us. Love you always"

 

Needless to say I didn't respond. I met a close friend and explained my situation to him. I asked if he could be my spokesman so to speak and handle stuff regarding her for me, important communication, pick up my stuff etc.

 

He gathered some friends to go and pick up my stuff. My brother was one of the guys to go. I explained to him I would not know how she would react, she's gone mad on drugs and I don't know her, approach with caution.

 

A week later I got a few missed calls from her. When I notice the missed calls I also noticed a e-mail she sent me. It said: "For real? Are you calling and lying about me about everything?"

 

I got a little spooked because she had said if I would lie about her to her people I would get beaten up. I tried to figure out who she may have talked to. Just a handful of people knew, people I trusted.

 

The day after the guys go on a mission, to pick up my stuff.

I had given my friend a list of what to take in case she hadn't packed everything.

 

When he came back only small amount of my stuff arrived. She hadn't finished packing, and wanted to deal with me about certain things.

 

My friend didn't want to do anything stupid, so he only took what she allowed. He handled the situation respectfully towards her. I am very glad he did.

 

He told her all communications would go through him. Regarding the rest of my stuff and everything else. He told her not to contact me, he would handle my business for me.

She told him she was mad at me for spreading rumors, said it was very unlike me. My friend agreed it was in fact very unlike me and even said he doubted I had done anything of the sort. It's simply not in my nature.

She told him she wanted to talk to me, and she knew she went overboard in communication. She asked him to tell me that she really wanted to talk, and if I wanted to talk I was welcome at any point. The ball is on my side.

 

He told me when they came, the apartment smelled like weed, a lot of weed. They were smoking when he came. He told me this was very hard on her, she was trying to act cool but it took it's toll, and when he was leaving her eyes were red and watery. He guessed she was holding out and by the look of it she would have broken down right after she closed the door.

 

She tried to break NC

The next day I got a lot of missed calls from her. I also got a text "We need to talk" another text "ASAP". Then the third text "U have to stop hurting the people around me. It's evil." I'm thinking WTF?

 

The next day I got two texts: "Of all the things I've done hurting you was the worst. I miss you in million ways.". The next text was "Want to meet and take the dog for a walk?"

 

I did not respond.

 

The day after I got a missed call.

 

I talked to my friend, asked him to send her the list of stuff I wanted and why I wanted the stuff. The reason was simple. Either said stuff was my stuff or stuff that was "borrowed" from my family.

 

She dealt with my friend, they set a date and she would have the rest of my stuff ready to be picked up. I did not get all of the stuff I wanted, but I didn't want to argue. I rather cut my losses and be done with it.

 

The day had arrived. I was very emotional because things were about to get so real. My friend came over to have a talk to me before he would go.

 

I asked him to be nice to her. I thought this was it, should I have him deliver a message from me, because this is it.

I decided to ask him to give her a big and tight hug from me.

 

When my friend came back and after we unloaded the truck he told me he delivered my message.

They were talking, he said, come here for a minute, she did, he gave her the hug and told her it was from me. She was very surprised, asked if it was from senior, he said no, it's from me. Her eyes went very red and wet, and she said she had to go for a walk and she went right away, in his opinion, crying a lot. And it fits, because she would never break down or cry in front of others.

 

Later that night, she texted me "Thank you for the hug. I love you too Xxxxi".

 

I broke contact

I really had a hard time controlling myself. But I waited until the morning after. I wanted her to know the hug was indeed from me. So I replied " <3 ".

 

Well, the rest of my stuff was out. I was officially moved out. This was no longer my home. It was tough.

 

A week later, I got a text from her. " <3 ".

 

11 days later she tried to call but I didn't answer, I got a text request from her, or more of a directive. It was a legit request but it was a bit cold. I tried to act on it as requested but it was not successful. I called my friend and asked him to explain to her why it wasn't possible. He did and she understood.

 

Around the same time she tried to call I got a missed call from the children's stepmom. My heart raised to the maximum. I was really nervous about this call, I knew it would come, and boy I was nervous. The family had been abroad with the kids for the past 5 weeks. They arrived a week before she called me.

 

I knew there were news for me, regarding the kids and my soon to be ex wife.

 

The children got the news regarding their mother

I called her back. The kids got the news the night before. Their dad dropped by their mothers, unannounced to check her status.

 

She admitted she was drinking and smoking weed and there wasn't a problem. I think he caught her. She said she had everything under control and didn't understand what the problem was. Of course, the drug addicted kid was there, and he tried to voice his opinion. The father basically told him to shove it, this was a matter regarding his children and he did not know him and didn't care about his opinions.

She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing.

 

The dad had to explain to his kids their mom had started drinking again and was therefore sick. The kids are aware of their parents condition and that they need to stay away from alcohol and drugs. He had to tell them they wouldn't be staying over at mom's any longer, and could only meet her briefly at a time. This is done so their mom wouldn't vanish out of the blue, and that they are aware that her mind isn't right, although she has to be sober when she meets them.

 

Their mom can not be with the drug addict when she meets the kids, he is to be no way near them.

 

The kids asked about me right away, and wanted to go to my parents Saturday dinner, like we always did with the kids when they were with us. That was the reason their stepmom was calling me, to ask if they could come to Saturday dinner.

I was so happy about it. They came the next day, and I invited their dad and stepmom to stay and eat with us, for the kids sake, because we didn't know how they would feel. When they came they hugged me so tight it felt so good. Their dad and stepmom hugged me as well. It felt warm and I felt their support right at this moment.

 

They came and we enjoyed dinner and they had a lot of stuff to talk about, they just came from abroad after a 5 week trip. They told us all about it, it didn't feel weird, forced or awkward, not even with the other set of parents. It was almost like they all been there the Saturday before.

 

The oldest son asked me about a movie I had promised to take him to in the cinema. I said we could go the day after and it was a date.

 

They all spent hours at my parents house, talking and laughing.

 

Their dad spoke to my mom, telling her stuff I had no idea about.

Always after spending the weekends at our place, they were always telling them (their dad and stepmom) about their weekend. It was always, we and (my name) did this and that. (my name) took us to the swimming pool. When me and (my name)...(My name) was telling us about... I found out I had been a great stepdad to them! I had tried but I had no idea how I was doing, because I really didn't know how to. I tried to be fun and their friend and do stuff with them.

The kids don't want to loose me as well. I'm not going anywhere. Their father and stepmother want me involved. The kids have suffered enough loosing their mom. My parents are also still going to be their grandparents, for as long as they want to.

It felt amazing.

 

The next day I took my oldest (step)son to the movies and we had a great time. We talked cinema on the way to the movies and talked about the movie we just saw on our way back.

 

My kids, they are on the country side now, their dad has been keeping them very busy. But they will come next Saturday for dinner.

 

I am going to be there for them, as a stepfather when they need to, as a friend when they need to, as an adult friend when they need to, as the same ol' silly me when they need to. I'm going to do stuff with them. Right now they need me. And it feels good to be around them. We have a special bond. They shouldn't be punished for their mothers actions.

And for me, loosing my wife, dog, home and life is hard enough, loosing my kids as well, you could as well bury me now.

 

Her birthday is coming up

Six days after her last attempt to call and after she texted me, she tries again to call. I ignored the call. She texted me.

It was a legit reason on some levels, but again, she should have contacted my friend who'd let me know.

At the end of the "legit" message, she wrote: "I had a dream of us laughing together. It was a good feeling."

Two days later she tries to call, again, and texts as she was simply reminding me of the stuff she texted me two days earlier. It was a short text but it ended with the word love. Not as a greeting but calling me that.

This was her last attempt contacting me when this is written.

 

It was a Saturday night. I had been in a shell since all this madness started. But I've tried to go out a few times. It was easier after I met my kids, and found support from their dad and stepmom. We went to a bar to play pool. After a few hours my friends wanted to go clubbing. They were drinking and I wasn't, I was driving. They were going to finish their beer and then I was going to drive them to a club and call it the night.

My soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law walks into the bar with her friends. I greeted her and she was very happy to see me. Gave me a very tight and long hug and her friend as well. She said I was looking very good and asked how I've been holding up. I smiled and said good. She told me again how good I was looking and was happy I was getting myself together. I told her last Saturday the kids came over to my parents for dinner. She was happy about it. Said it was enough for them loosing their mom, no need to loose me and my family as well. I told her I was going to let the kids be in control. She said something that made me feel she liked I was keeping in touch with the kids and would be there for them. She said: "Don't always make them ask for you, you have to ask for them as well."

 

Then she and her friend sat with us and we had a real good time. Just talking about something else, having fun, laughing. I didn't ask her about my Ex nor did she tell me anything. I don't know if they are speaking at the moment. Perhaps the bare minimum. Her mother shuts her out when she is using, goes LC, and allows her right back in when shes sober.

 

Well, my friends didn't go clubbing that night, but they got real drunk. When my soon-to-be-ex-mother-in-law left, she gave me another long and tight hug and told me I was welcome anytime to her if I wanted to talk. Her doors are always open.

 

Few days later, last week in fact, was her birthday. I had already made my mind up that I was not going to contact her or send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. It felt weird, but still I was okay.

 

The night after I felt weird. Little bit heartbroken, or having a little bit of an anxiety. Again the night after, but during the day was fine. And again last Friday I felt it, I even cried for a few minutes. I thought I perhaps needed to cry so I could let the pressure out.

 

I had a talk with my sister about this. She pointed out a lot of good things have happened in a short amount of time, all things I was nervous about. I was stressful about meeting my kids, how they would be around me knowing I wasn't with their mom any longer. I was nervous meeting my soon-to-be-ex-mother-inlaw, both of those things were important to me that would go well, and they went flawlessly. Her birthday was earlier this week and I was nervous about that. A lot has happened. It made me a bit calmer.

 

Last weekend was fun, I went out clubbing last Saturday and did not go home early.

 

But yesterday morning I started to feel my heartache again. I wrote things down, it helps me in a therapeutic way, while I could when I was at work.

 

I was good last night but again, this morning, it started again. Again I wrote things when I could, and it helped me.

 

Then the oldest called. We had a little chat. He was asking me about a problem regarding his computer. We made small talk, then I spoke to the others. They are still on the country side, having loads of fun (they were fooling around with each other and laughing when I was with them on the phone). They will be back next Friday and are coming to Saturday dinner at my parents.

 

How am I?

I'm not going to lie. It's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's still a work in progress, but progress it is.

I decided I wasn't going to "get over" my broken heart, but to go through it. I think when we try to "get over" a broken heart, what we are doing is we are trying to get rid of the pain by skipping or avoiding it. I'm not going to do that. I've been going through it and I still am, and it HURTS but I think you can't heal what you can't feel. So yeah, I've cried like I never cried before, I've been vulnerable, been angry and sad. All those feelings at high extremes. I'm seeing a psychotherapist, I have support from friends and family like you wouldn't believe. I am so lucky how good my family and friends have been, I'm so lucky I'm at loss for words. I've talked and talked and talked and they listened. To me when I didn't understand, when I cried, when I was angry, and wow I got angry at times. I tried to analyze the situation, tried to figure out what the hell was going on and why.

But after I met my kids and found the support from the other side of the family I've been much better. Last two and a half weeks have been good though I had a little rough nights last week and the past couple of days have not been very easy but it's nothing like before.

 

I think partly because I did not try to force myself to quit thinking about the situation, about her, her betrayal, my hatred towards the other addict, my shame, my degrading and humiliation. But I tried not to grab the thoughts and feelings as well, I tried to let them flow through. Sometimes it was hard. Sometimes my mind took me into some very dark places. Wow.

 

I am "lucky" on one thing though, giving the situation is like it is. It helped me a lot. I managed to separate the woman I love, I married, my wife, from the addict. Knowing my wife with her right mind would never have done anything like this, somehow makes it a bit easier. Knowing she is sick right now, using drugs and alcohol. She's still using knowing she will hardly see the kids while she's using so she is truly sick.

 

So in short, I am better. I'm no where near good, but so so so much better than I was. But family, friends, psychotherapy, my kids, all have helped me a lot. Letting me feel how I feel not trying to force it.

 

I have started to see some light, I've made plans, and slowly I'm working towards them.

I've decided not to grab a rebound although some friends have strongly recommended it saying it helps a lot. I believe it will distract me from the pain, but I will feel the pain, perhaps less intensely, but instead making it last much much longer. It's also not fair for the innocent women involved. I'm going to work through this and when I'm ready, I'll meet somebody new.

 

Hurt people, hurt people. It happened to me, my soon to be ex was really hurt 20 years ago, never worked it out. So bang, she acted out and here I am.

I will not make that happen. I will not hurt somebody I love in the future because I didn't work this out. So I'm working it out and feeling it out so I won't, like my ex, act it out.

 

I will always love the women I married. But I also hate the person she became. Nobody has come close to hurt me like she did. But I will love her from afar. I will accept her for who she is and then I will let go. I'm working on it.

 

When I feel down, I try to look into the future. I try to look at it after 6-12 months and try to envision it from that place.

Will she have regrets by that time? Yes I think to myself. When she gets tired of using and wants to stop, she will think of me. She will miss me like crazy and feel very bad about what she did. She will regret it. This is what I allow me to think, among stuff within this line. It helps a lot in fact. Giving the circumstances I think I can allow me to think like this since it helps plus I do think it's plausible.

When she thinks about me, it will hurt. She will still think highly of me, and be very thankful I was there for the kids when she left them.

 

This has been very therapeutic. If you are still reading and made it this far, my hat goes off for you.

 

Any comments are welcome. If you agree or disagree with something I'm doing or did. Words of wisdom, or simply pep talk, all welcome.

 

Thanks, it felt great writing this down.

[Gus Grimly]

I'm just gonna say this; WTF were you thinking? You attacked her deadbeat boyfriend in front of a bunch of witnesses? Where I'm from that's assault and battery. Is that loser worth jail time? Also, that's not the behavior one should take in any situation, especially since you consider yourself a role model to those boys.

 

You let her walk all over you. I understand you love her but when you accepted her into your life, you also accepted her condition. You knew this outcome could be a possibility when her past came back to haunt her and she obviously has no coping skills beyond drug use. You just let her fall back into the addiction and into the arms of another man.

 

• I looked at it as a phase because of what just happened
  
• I never suspected her of cheating on me
  
• I wasn't worried about her but I knew he was a lot into her.
  
• I decided to work on forgiveness while she would work out on her old case
  
• I said I'll go out and give her space.
  
• I trusted her when she said there was nothing going on between them.
  
• The only thing I could do was not approving.
  

 

Seriously? That's all you could do huh, just sit there and not approve? I'm sorry you went through all of that hell, but at least you still have the kids with support from your loving family and friends. But yeah, you need to stay NC with her and move on with your life.

[dp_322]

Hi Gus, thanks for reading and thank you for your reply.

 

You ask WTF I was thinking. I can tell you I wasn't thinking. I saw something and reacted. Not my proudest moment.

 

I accepted the fact she could relapse and start using again. This never crossed my mind. I honestly thought she would never cheat.

 

You just let her fall back into the addiction and into the arms of another man.

 

I don't know where to begin answering this one. I understand that you don't know a lot about addiction but I will not have someone project her addiction onto me and say it is my fault. I DID NOT allow her to fall back into addiction, it was out of my control. I raised my concerns and tried to talk to her about this but only thing that did was driving her further away. What the hell do you expect me to do? Make her quit by force? I don't own her, and I can't MAKE her do something she don't want to do. They say the only thing stronger than mothers love to their children is addiction.

But thanks, as if I haven't blamed my self enough already, to have someone say I allowed this to happen really is a kick in the groin.

 

Seriously? That's all you could do huh, just sit there and not approve?

Perhaps I should have danced a polka dance? I tried anything I could think of. I didn't write everything in this very very long post because it really is a long post.

 

Thanks for you comment.

[Gus Grimly]

don't know where to begin answering this one. I understand that you don't know a lot about addiction but I will not have someone project her addiction onto me and say it is my fault. I DID NOT allow her to fall back into addiction' date=' it was out of my control.[/quote']

I do know about addiction and I know when people are being codependent and enabling.

 

I apologize, you didn't allow this happen, but there was more you could have done to help. Let's be fair, you did sorta dismissed the problem when it presented itself. Did you seek help from Al-Anon or private counseling? That would have helped you greatly on how you dealt with your wife. You offered to give her space instead of contributing to her recovery, like offering to drive her to a rehab clinic or some place that offers aid in these situations. If she was unwilling to listen then it would have been time to plan an intervention. An intervention can be an extremely powerful tool.

 

I understand very well that pushing her or trying to make her feel guilty would have been bad, but urging her to reconnect with the people who could help her would have been a good thing. You did great by focusing on yourself and trying to stay positive. You seem to be managing fairly well and dealing with the hurt and pain. None of this was your fault. Don't let her addiction ruin your life, get help too if need be.

[dp_322]

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

I did offer to drive her to a rehab, suggested it and even told her to go.

To my understanding, intervention is a tool that is used when confronting an individual that is unaware of his drinking or drug problems.

 

She is aware that she is an addict, but her denial is at such a state that she simply does not understand people think she has a problem.

I was told that an alcoholic or an addict must see his or her problem before admitting to oneself that there is indeed a problem and that things are out of control and that they need help. That usually doesn't happen until they have reached bottom.

 

My codependency level skyrocketed once things went out of control. Things happened really fast, and I was desperately trying to get things under control and fix them. I am codependent but in general nothing like I described in my first post.

 

I have thought about all of this, replayed it in my head million times trying to figure out what I could have done differently in each scenario and the answer is not much if anything.

 

When I gave her space, she asked for it and I gave it to her. She had just been with her psychologist, called me right after she walked out of her office. I figured it had been something her psychologist might have suggested so yes, I gave her space. I think she was even being sincere when she asked for the space, but the night after, she went to a club, got drunk, felt bad and called her "friend" to "comfort" her.

We had agreed not to speak for two days.

 

I'm sorry for lashing out in my earlier response. I got very defensive. I have been blaming my self for allowing this to happen for way to long and beating myself up for it. Just very recently I accepted (although I "knew") the fact that this was out of my control and there was really no way for me to have been able to steer things in another direction.

The "allowing it to happen" is still very sensitive for me.