kismetkismet Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I don't want to go into my personal situation in GREAT detail because it's quite complex.. He is emotionally avoidant due to commitment issues/fear of being engulfed and controlled, and I am emotionally avoidant due to fear of emotional vulnerability and abandonment. (we are also both hyper rational overthinkers yayy) Needless to say it has created some difficulties haha. We have been broken up now for 5 months after 1.5 years of dating, and in that time have been working very hard at getting to the bottom of why we didn't work and if we can, because we really do love each other and there are a lot of great and rare connections between us. (We've been technically broken up but haven't really been dating anyone else, haven't slept with anyone else, and have kept in contact/slept together on and off.) So where do YOU draw the line in your lives? How do you know when you should either keep working on things, or decide love isn't enough for the relationship to be good and healthy?
deadelvis Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 You know in your heart when it's right. By the wording it sounds like you already know. It sounds like you love each other. 1
yxalitis Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 (We've been technically broken up but haven't really been dating anyone else, haven't slept with anyone else, and have kept in contact/slept together on and off.) I would classify that as technically NOT broken up... So where do YOU draw the line in your lives? How do you know when you should either keep working on things, or decide love isn't enough for the relationship to be good and healthy? I and my ex still loved each other, deeply, but we broke up because we couldn't make each other happy... It was effing hard to do...probably still not over her to be honest... But we had to...unfortunately Can you make each other happy?
Author kismetkismet Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 hahah yxalitis that made me laugh out loud.. I guess the difference is that we don't have an agreement not to date or sleep with other people, we just haven't done it. also we have gone longish periods without talking during various periods.. but i know what you mean, we definitely are still entwined in some way, even if it's not really a proper relationship. That is a good question. If we can make each other happy.. sometimes we made each other very happy.. but in general I felt unfulfilled while we were together, and he felt stressed by it. He didn't actually want to break up at all and was generally happier than I was. but we only really got to the bottom of our problems since we broke up so I don't know if we can fix the problems that were making us unhappy because we haven't tried..
deadelvis Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 with a name like KismetKismet... you know the answer. lol
Author kismetkismet Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 hahah it's based on an old user name that i've had since i was a teenager (which actually came from a horse), not this particular situation! We do really love and care about each other very deeply.. my question is more about when that isn't enough. I'm not a hopeless romantic that believes that love is all you need. I know that two people can love each other and still be a terrible match. I guess I'm just getting very emotionally tired and I don't know whether to carry on and try to fix this or accept it as a lost cause and try to get over him..
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Love isn't enough when there are too many outside issues to overcome like distance & immigration. It's also not enough when staying together takes more energy & effort then being apart.
smackie9 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 If you had to spend the majority of your relationship trying to "make things work", you are beating a dead horse. You shouldn't have to constantly work at fixing a relationship....if you do, there are things that are beyond your control, and nothing is going to change. Know when to call it quits and move on to something better.....yes there is better. And no a relationship CANNOT survive on love alone. You need compatibility, same mindset, same goals, shared passions, treat each other with respect, compassion, loyalty, able to compromise, be balanced emotionally, able to be together, share your lives together, etc. Stop sleeping with each other and be done with it....it's over. 1
rocketman122 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I don't want to go into my personal situation in GREAT detail because it's quite complex.. He is emotionally avoidant due to commitment issues/fear of being engulfed and controlled, and I am emotionally avoidant due to fear of emotional vulnerability and abandonment. (we are also both hyper rational overthinkers yayy) Needless to say it has created some difficulties haha. We have been broken up now for 5 months after 1.5 years of dating, and in that time have been working very hard at getting to the bottom of why we didn't work and if we can, because we really do love each other and there are a lot of great and rare connections between us. (We've been technically broken up but haven't really been dating anyone else, haven't slept with anyone else, and have kept in contact/slept together on and off.) So where do YOU draw the line in your lives? How do you know when you should either keep working on things, or decide love isn't enough for the relationship to be good and healthy? had that with my ex. she said she didnt want to get lost in love. which means your partner is more priority than you are. I had that with her. I would do anything for her but she always held back. she admitted it. its a shetty situation to be in. its also an issue of trust. trust that your partner will be there. if love is there, you can overcome everything. you need someone who will give you direction on how to cope with it.
Author kismetkismet Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Smackie9 - I agree with you.. I don't truly believe that love overcomes everything and those are very important things.. Does everyone find ALL of those things in one person though? (genuine question - i don't get close to people very easily and know that i've never come even close to that before) We have almost all of those things.. as well as a unique intellectual connection and sexual connection.. however.. i don't know if we are balanced emotionally - because of our specific set of problems. The fact that it's taking this much work to figure out if we can work around that is probably a good indicator that we're not doing so well though.. also we didn't have to spend the majority of the relationship trying to make it work.. i didn't communicate that I had problems with what was going on very well - due to my fear of being emotionally vulnerable etc - and I pretended everything was ok and then suddenly bailed.. which is probably why we are only now dealing with the problems after the breakup. Edited August 12, 2015 by kismetkismet
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