sunshine2 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My BF's X wife is still very abusive to him even now, 5 years after the divorce. He can't even talk about the kids with her because she either starts swearing at him, calling him names or hanging up when he tries to work things out with her. Its hard on him and I have seen it first hand and know it to be true. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and he has his part in the divorce, but I feel since there was so much verbal and physical abuse in his relationship from his X, he has walls up. He tells me everything about his life, his kids, his X, his business. I know he trusts me with this stuff because he asks my opinion and shares a lot with me. But...he never talks about his feelings for me. We have been dating 5 months now, so it may be too soon for him to actually feel comfortable enough to tell me how he feels. We have said we like each other, and are exclusive, but thats it. I am starting to fall in love with him, but there is no verbal clues that he is and its making me wonder if he will ever be able to fully love and trust another women after what he went through. He has been hurt badly. There were two times in the 5 months where I expressed emotions and I think it set him back. One was when I felt he didn't have time for me and I cried in front of him, which I didn't want to do but it just happened. Long story short, he got his daughter back after a month of not having her and it was a huge change in his schedule. At that time I hadn't met his daughter, so I was not able to see him when he had her, which is understandable and it took some getting used to. He handled that situation really well at the time but mentioned that incident when we had another discussion that didn't go right a month later. So he remembers how I acted and I feel its a strike against me when I show emotions that are not positive. Its almost like it reminds him of her which is not good. How can I get around this? I would love to break down these walls, but it may just be too soon. My BF has moved very slowly in our relationship and Im not used to the pace, so my guess is this is going to take awhile for him to fully let me in. Any thoughts?
Keenly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 It makes sense that he would have walls up after that situation, especially if he trusted her in the beginning. I'm in a similar situation myself, and at times it's very difficult to interact with my kids mom. That being said.... 5 years went by. There comes a point where you either are ready to let some one in, or you aren't. Without being pushy, you could try and ease him into realizing that you are not her, and that you won't use his feelings against him like she did. He has to be willing to do that, or this isn't a two way relationship. 2
Author sunshine2 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 It makes sense that he would have walls up after that situation, especially if he trusted her in the beginning. I'm in a similar situation myself, and at times it's very difficult to interact with my kids mom. That being said.... 5 years went by. There comes a point where you either are ready to let some one in, or you aren't. Without being pushy, you could try and ease him into realizing that you are not her, and that you won't use his feelings against him like she did. He has to be willing to do that, or this isn't a two way relationship. Thank you so much for your insight. Its good to hear from a man who has been through the same thing. I totally get the walls, he did trust her completely and she completely ruined that trust during the marriage, and after the marriage fell apart and he found out some things that were pretty bad. Yes I think that he needs to know that I am not her. I am not going to use his feelings against him. Thanks again!
Woggle Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Opening up to my current wife after what happened in my first marriage is hands down the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. This society teaches men to be emotionally shut off so when we do let our emotions show and he are betrayed it is very hard to open up again. I don't know how you break through but if he cares about you he will try. 1
Author sunshine2 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Opening up to my current wife after what happened in my first marriage is hands down the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. This society teaches men to be emotionally shut off so when we do let our emotions show and he are betrayed it is very hard to open up again. I don't know how you break through but if he cares about you he will try. Thank you for your feedback too. Its really helpful. How long did it take you to start opening up to your current wife?
Woggle Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Thank you for your feedback too. Its really helpful. How long did it take you to start opening up to your current wife? A while. Eventually I did because I realized it wasn't fair that my ex got the best of me while she gets some held back version when she is ten times the woman my ex is. 1
kismetkismet Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm struggling with something similar with someone. We've actually been technically broken up for 5 months because of it (after a 1.5 yr relationship) but neither of us have dated or slept with anyone else/are still in love/have still been continuing to try to talk and work through what went wrong between. So it's not... a simple thing to deal with from my perspective haha. My own set of emotional problems (fear of emotional vulnerability and abandonment) make it even worse. He has admitted more recently how much he struggles with admitting deep feelings both to himself and to other people.. he's told me now that i was always his best friend and how much he loved me during all of those times when i felt emotionally alone in the relationship. I don't know if we're going to be able to work through it... but I wish that at the time i'd been able to have a calm and open conversation with him about it. Rather than waiting and waiting until i was filled with fear and resentment about it, and ultimately left.
smackie9 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I think he fears what it might do to your relationship....dumping all this onto you. It's only been 5 months, you are still in the early stages of your relationship. He will be ready when he's ready. He has a lot of baggage, and in these situations you need to have a lot of patience to match.
sportygirl89 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Just let your SO open up at his own terms. I was the first girl after my ex's wife. It was like talking to a wall. She cheated on him and he still wanted her back. My ex and I aren't together because he never opened up to me. Honesltly it took me a long time to realize it was not my fault. If you are his first girlfriend since ex wife. Good chances are he is not ready. He will have to date a bunch before he feels like he can trust someone again.
Author sunshine2 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Thank you all for your feedback and yes I am trying my best to just let him move at his pace. (snail pace) We went on a 5 day getaway last week and had a blast! We get along really well and enjoy each others company. BUT...I am stepping back a bit, just to let him initiate for now. Im not sure if that is the smart move or not, but I don't want to chase him or make him feel like Im rushing into anything with him. He had not been a very affectionate guy, but that has been getting better, so Im taking that as a positive step forward. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. My last BF was all in from the very beginning and it was way too much too soon. Now Im dating someone the total opposite. He is taking his time, moving slow and probably doesn't even worry about anything really. He probably thinks things are moving nicely or it is what it is. Im trying not to go crazy girl and take each day as it comes. Ahhh that patience it really sucks.
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