Is my BF hung up on his ex-GF?

[LadyInGreen]

Hi everyone, I'm new! I've made this thread to try and get some honest, un-biased opinions. I'll try and keep this short:

 

So my BF and I started our relationship kind of unusually. He rented my spare room (I own the flat) and after a few months he got a girlfriend, who spent a lot of time here. I‘d never had a boyfriend before and I was pretty jealous of their relationship, and then I fell in love with him. His girlfriend moved away for university and they were trying LD, and I took the opportunity to tell him how I felt. He was understanding and agreed she wouldn’t come to our apartment when she came back for university breaks. A few months later they broke up after Christmas because of the long-distance.

January I told him I needed to be more than friends, or I couldn't live with him anymore. We decided to give things a shot, and have now been together 1.5 years.

 

The other day I read his iMessages (I know, I know), and for ALL of 2014 (the first year of our relationship) he saw her every time she came back from University and regularly over the summer, and she came to our flat many times when I was out. He was sending her texts about missing her and how he ‘sometimes wants to call her but stops himself’ on Christmas Eve and New Years…

Then he asked her to meet up before she went back to university in January 2015 but she didn’t respond, so as far as I can tell they haven’t seen each other in over 6 months.

 

Their last conversation is from about 3 months ago. He told her that sometimes he still thinks about and misses her, but he has a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend so he stops himself from calling her to “save himself the heartache”. Judging by her reply, my BF only stopped regularly contacting/meeting up with his ex when she got a BF.

 

Is he hung up on her? I do not suspect any physical cheating has happened, but surely he should be over her by now… We’ve been together for 1.5 years and they were only together for 1 year!

[kendahke]

I've made this thread to try and get some honest, un-biased opinions.

 

Yeah, he is still hung up on her.

 

He didn't get with you because it was an overwhelming feeling for him to get rid of her and get with you. He got with you because his girlfriend moved away, you made your move, told him she wasn't welcomed anymore in the house and he didn't want to have to find someplace else to live at that time. He really didn't need to break a sweat, you made it all very convenient.

 

The length of time he was with her really has nothing to do with the validity of his feelings for her.

 

Clearly, as far as he was concerned, he wasn't done with her and it was only when she moved on and found a boyfriend that he finally gave up that ghost.

 

Perhaps it's time for you to have a talk with him about his living there. He should be there because he wants to be with you, not because he's settling for you because the one he wants to be with is unavailable.

[LadyInGreen]

Yeah, he is still hung up on her.

 

He didn't get with you because it was an overwhelming feeling for him to get rid of her and get with you. He got with you because his girlfriend moved away, you made your move, told him she wasn't welcomed anymore in the house and he didn't want to have to find someplace else to live at that time. He really didn't need to break a sweat, you made it all very convenient.

 

The length of time he was with her really has nothing to do with the validity of his feelings for her.

 

Clearly, as far as he was concerned, he wasn't done with her and it was only when she moved on and found a boyfriend that he finally gave up that ghost.

 

Perhaps it's time for you to have a talk with him about his living there. He should be there because he wants to be with you, not because he's settling for you because the one he wants to be with is unavailable.

 

Thank you for your honest response, I can definitely see your point about the circumstances under which our relationship began.

 

I just don't think I could bring myself to kick him out, we don't have any issues with our day-to-day relationship. Is there a chance that he is truly letting go of her and moving on now?

 

My biggest fear is that when she graduates and moves back here (in about 9 months) he's going to drop me and get back with her...

[Versacehottie]

I agree with kendakhe (spelling!?). I think he has shown he is hung up on her. I'm going to guess it is also because she probably instigated their breakup rather than the other way around. So she's still the one he couldn't "get". Also she sounds like she put herself first by moving away IN SPITE of him and guys are always hooked on girls who think of themselves first. And he didn't really have time to process his feelings about her before you were right there in front of him. It was too easy for him and he didn't have to put a ton of effort in. (i was loving your story btw!) And i want it to have a happy ending.

 

First of all don't discount that for a 1.5 year he's CHOSEN to be with you. That means "something"! What I think you should do is one day when you guys are in a good mood, relaxing etc, reminisce back to the beginning of your relationship. Ask some deep questions and try to bring up some of the questions as would you have chosen me if we didn't live together and if I hadn't said let's try or move out (i don't disagree with this). and if his ex had stayed in town and if she comes back. Do not cop to looking at his messages!! It's a violation of trust and will just cause another set of problems. You want to make this a nice but deep discussion where you explore your history through reminiscing and try to get some nuggets of what his real feelings are. Maybe throw some things in there about the future. If he hedges on some of the answers. Don't freak, just take note. Let the whole thing marinate and take the pulse of the relationship a little while later. You want to make him realize his true thoughts for you and what you have brought to his life without pointing it out directly. He needs to appreciate you, though it happened pretty easy on his part, he may but may not realize it or to its full extent. I'm not explaining what you need to do very well but I hope it makes sense.

 

If he seems like he is not into this conversation ie valuing his relationship with you, pull back like significantly enough that he will notice. Not mean just like "if you're not sure what we have here or what our future is, I have doubts myself". Basically you need him to start seeing your relationship as the ONE to fight for. Because of the logistics of his breakup, he didn't really switch focus onto your relationship as the one to chase.

 

If he says anything outright disrespectful (can't see that happening from what you said) or blatant that he doesn't see a future with you, break up with him. I don't see this happening. I think the answer to this will take a little while or more to massage out of him. I don't know what it will be. I do think it's you he likes/loves because it's not easy to live with someone when they are not good for you. But he just isn't "longing" for it the way he needs to be in order to realize it. You have to get to the root of the matter. I wouldn't want you to be with someone if it's only because his first choice is geographically unavailable or now in a relationship. You want his heart right with you. Don't waste your time or energy getting jealous. That's not what is pertinent now and it's a waste of time anyway. Good luck

[HereNorThere]

Is he hung up on her?

 

C'mon, do you really need to even ask? You have the iMessages that prove it.

 

What makes you so sure:

 

A) He didn't cheat.

 

B) She didn't respond. He could have deleted those messages, She could have called, Skyped, whatever instead.

 

C) He has any choice in the matter. Chances are, she broke up with him and won't go back with him

 

I think you are being terribly, terribly naive if you don't consider this cheating. At the least, it's an emotional affair, but I think once he has her in your house, that's physical.

 

You're being waaaay too nice. For me, this would undoubtedly be dealbreaker. I could not continue a relationship with someone who betrayed me for that long.

[LadyInGreen]

First of all don't discount that for a 1.5 year he's CHOSEN to be with you. That means "something"! What I think you should do is one day when you guys are in a good mood, relaxing etc, reminisce back to the beginning of your relationship. Ask some deep questions and try to bring up some of the questions as would you have chosen me if we didn't live together and if I hadn't said let's try or move out (i don't disagree with this). and if his ex had stayed in town and if she comes back. Do not cop to looking at his messages!! It's a violation of trust and will just cause another set of problems. You want to make this a nice but deep discussion where you explore your history through reminiscing and try to get some nuggets of what his real feelings are. Maybe throw some things in there about the future. If he hedges on some of the answers. Don't freak, just take note. Let the whole thing marinate and take the pulse of the relationship a little while later. You want to make him realize his true thoughts for you and what you have brought to his life without pointing it out directly. He needs to appreciate you, though it happened pretty easy on his part, he may but may not realize it or to its full extent. I'm not explaining what you need to do very well but I hope it makes sense.

 

If he seems like he is not into this conversation ie valuing his relationship with you, pull back like significantly enough that he will notice. Not mean just like "if you're not sure what we have here or what our future is, I have doubts myself". Basically you need him to start seeing your relationship as the ONE to fight for. Because of the logistics of his breakup, he didn't really switch focus onto your relationship as the one to chase.

 

If he says anything outright disrespectful (can't see that happening from what you said) or blatant that he doesn't see a future with you, break up with him. I don't see this happening. I think the answer to this will take a little while or more to massage out of him. I don't know what it will be. I do think it's you he likes/loves because it's not easy to live with someone when they are not good for you. But he just isn't "longing" for it the way he needs to be in order to realize it. You have to get to the root of the matter. I wouldn't want you to be with someone if it's only because his first choice is geographically unavailable or now in a relationship. You want his heart right with you. Don't waste your time or energy getting jealous. That's not what is pertinent now and it's a waste of time anyway. Good luck

 

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it! It’s true he has chosen to be with me all this time and I know he DOES love me and cares for me a lot. I just don’t know if he’s truly IN love or if he would still rather be with his ex if it were possible. The thing is I’m scared to ask some of those questions because I prefer not to mention her, and I don’t think I would like some of the answers, or he would dodge the question. Another thing he said to her when he messaged her on Christmas was that if she hadn’t moved away they would still be together. I really hope he doesn’t still feel that way.

 

I’m also not thinking too much about “the future” because I’m only 23 (he’s a few yrs older) but I know that on a daily basis he is a great boyfriend and person and we really don’t have any problems living together or anything.

 

I can see what you mean about the logistics of his breakup, but does this mean he’s not/never will be truly in love with me, and see me as his first choice? If he’s in love with me why would he still miss and think about his ex? I’ve never had a real relationship/breakup before, so I don’t really know if that’s normal.

[LadyInGreen]

Is he hung up on her?

 

C'mon, do you really need to even ask? You have the iMessages that prove it.

 

What makes you so sure:

 

A) He didn't cheat.

 

B) She didn't respond. He could have deleted those messages, She could have called, Skyped, whatever instead.

 

C) He has any choice in the matter. Chances are, she broke up with him and won't go back with him

 

I think you are being terribly, terribly naive if you don't consider this cheating. At the least, it's an emotional affair, but I think once he has her in your house, that's physical.

 

You're being waaaay too nice. For me, this would undoubtedly be dealbreaker. I could not continue a relationship with someone who betrayed me for that long.

 

Yeah I suppose it’s pretty clear he’s not completely over her. I just don’t really know if it’s a problem or not, he pretty much saw himself marrying her one day so I try to be understanding that it’s hard for him to cut her out completely.

 

A) I am sure he didn’t cheat because he has never cheated in past relationships, and he didn’t cheat on his ex with me, even though I was willing. Emotional cheating, yes. Physical cheating is just not his character.

 

B) True, I can’t be sure she didn’t respond and maybe they did see each other that time, but I suppose it doesn’t really make a difference.

 

C) He actually broke up with her, because of the distance and he hated knowing she was surrounded by guys and partying a lot at university for 3 years. That’s what he told me and I think he was honest, but maybe he was just trying to spare my feelings.

 

I agree that him bringing her to our house is completely out of line, and I know that his friends have been over at the same time so THEY knew she was here too. I just don’t think any physical cheating happened and I try to understand the emotional side of it.

 

I guess I am hoping that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t truly want to be with me, and I don’t know if I should wait to find out, when his ex moves back here next spring/summer, which I suppose will be the final test.

Edited August 12, 2015 by LadyInGreen
added last sentence

[h0000]

Yeah sorry but he never fully loved you and he never stopped loving her. So obvious she's always on his mind. Frankly he got with you because you came on strong and you were just easy and convenient, you were "there",available, and he didn't even have to try.

Why do you think he hasn't gotten back with her yet? Because she doesn't really reciprocate and she now even has a bf so he has slim chance. Not because he prefers to be with you.

if she came back, you wouldn't stand a chance

[Versacehottie]

I just don’t know if he’s truly IN love or if he would still rather be with his ex if it were possible. The thing is I’m scared to ask some of those questions because I prefer not to mention her, and I don’t think I would like some of the answers, or he would dodge the question. Another thing he said to her when he messaged her on Christmas was that if she hadn’t moved away they would still be together. I really hope he doesn’t still feel that way.

 

I’m also not thinking too much about “the future” because I’m only 23 (he’s a few yrs older) but I know that on a daily basis he is a great boyfriend and person and we really don’t have any problems living together or anything.

 

I can see what you mean about the logistics of his breakup, but does this mean he’s not/never will be truly in love with me, and see me as his first choice? If he’s in love with me why would he still miss and think about his ex? I’ve never had a real relationship/breakup before, so I don’t really know if that’s normal.

 

So yes this question in bold is what we want to get to the bottom of. My guess is that HE doesn't really know the answer to this. Because of the way his previous relationship ended he's romanticizing it probably. It's not necessarily the way he'd feel if he were living it BUT sadly just as damaging to the relationship he's in (with you). Yeah don't ask directly. You basically need to unearth and by discussing the good and fun and the beginning of your relationship make him start to romanticize what he REALLY has with you. See you're trying to make sure or get him to switch focus to you and your relationship. You do that by making the person cherish what they have.

 

I think best to do it in just a long, FUN but deep conversation and then provided that goes neutral-good to very-good, you follow up with deeper connection things in the weeks follow that strengthen your partnership. If he is wavering or doesn't offer you much or acts distracted during this talk, you pull back so he can see what he will be missing or lose out on. That's why it's important to have the talk beforehand. It lets him know you've been sifting through the ideas of your relationship with him. And afterward his mind will be on it as well. He will know if he didn't handle well, as in sufficient answers, sufficient value and focus, that you now have doubts that he put there!! Which will bring the focus hopefully to you guys and your relationship and off that old one. Even if it goes well the talk and then you follow with deeper connected stuff, it's like fresh in his mind that he created this special thing with you and how great it is.

 

Listen, it's definitely not going to be easy. You have this dance so that you figure out what's going on. Don't make it about your worries with her. Really the bigger issue at hand is: is he committed to what you have now in the way you would like your boyfriend to be? is it good enough for you? You're not going to accuse him or ask him directly. But talking about the positive stuff in your relationship in a big way (ie long, lazy conversation) should clue him into thinking about it. The goal is to change his focus and let him know you are evaluating where things stand. Just from a point of view of is this the way I want to live my life. Positive. Thinking about and talking about the good, fun things. You need to talk about the future in whichever way it looks to you. Because that's an essential step to this process. You need to have him thinking about what it looks like for him and know you are thinking about it. Future at 23 when you live together already could be trips you want to take, future apartment (flat) plans, a little career stuff. Keep it positive. See if he takes interest will let you know if he's planning to be around. Get it? This part you might need to let him marinate on. None of this is direct questions. You should say what you think like musing and ask if he's had similar thoughts or what he thinks. Good example is a vacation. Say almost dreamily that you thought going to Maldives (or wherever but should be a distant trip and one that would be 5-6 months away). Then ask him if he's ever thought of going there, if he thinks it would be fun and ask him if he could go anywhere then where would he choose. Point is at some point during a conversation like this with a committed couple, it should shift from a fantasy like discussion to something he would really want to plan with you in mind. Now he might not do this in the first conversation. But just by speaking of it, you are letting him know you are thinking into the future and it 'should' shift his focus and sift out what his real motives are with you. Are you just a filler or his real girlfriend now? You don't ever need to bring up her name, you shouldn't. Just talk about the excitement and fun of when you first got together. Changing his focus or seeing if he views it primarily as positive. None of the first discussion is judging him or debating with him. It's basically to get whatever is in his head pouring out.

 

You might not like some of the answers or if he feels uncertain at this point. But that's why you are posting here to figure this out right. You don't really want to continue with someone who views you as second best, do you? When I read your story of how you got together initially, that's the last thing I would have thought about someone who was as bold as you (in a good way!) You deserve to be first in his mind. So if that's really what it would come down to and you are 2nd best to him, you'd want to know that so you could be with someone who you are number one to, right? Christmas was 7 months ago anyway! You need to take the pulse of him now. And do your best to sway the answer your way since I don't think he's ever given it a fair chance. You can't be afraid to lose him though if he doesn't think of you first now. Bottom line it was dishonest what he did and he's had enough time to get over her and you're a great catch. If you are not his first pick, even if she is unavailable it's a dead end road for you because he won't cherish you and that will break your self-esteem. He's not your roommate, he's your boyfriend that you live with! He has a bigger responsibility than to be easy to live with!

 

No, it doesn't mean he's not or never would be in love with you. I kind of think he could be now but he just doesn't treat it as such because of the logistics. However, IMO now you've given enough time and there is the point of his betrayal so time's up. It doesn't take longer than 1.5 year to know. I wouldn't stay with him if you feel he doesn't love you number one after giving it a month or two to get to the bottom of this. You would just be wasting your time. That's why turning his attention to your relationship IN CONTEXT with a little heat is key. You need him to really be considering it's value/your value to him to get the real answer of what he thinks.

 

Yes, a lot of people think of two people at a time and miss their exes. A lot of the missing exes is based on an idealized version of the relationship not the REAL relationship or the real person. Because it's in the past, they can idolize it, and cherry pick out beautiful, good, romantic parts. You need him to get focused on the real relationship in front of him. Don't berated or argue with him about it. Do it with your every day actions but first the long talk. Think of it like sending him to a seminar. The ideas that come up in a seminar usually stay on a person's mind for the next couple of weeks. So put him the mindframe at your seminar where he is thinking about the good of your relationship, the whys and the future. p.s while i said don't talk negatively. I don't think it's bad to muse something like: sometimes i wish we had met at a different time, under different circumstances like we were both totally single and hadn't been roommates; would you have liked that? would you have pursued me? The point of saying that is you want him to see that it's been slightly unfair to you to have to live in her shadow; the shadow of their relationship. You're not blaming him because you both did it and you went after him. Be light and flirty, fun and deep. You want him talking and thinking a lot. Don;t worry if he doesn't have an answer for you. Even better because he will probably continue thinking about that question he couldn't answer into the next few days. Hopefully you get the idea. You can post a list of questions and things you might say if you want beforehand and I will take a look if it's not too personal for you.

[kendahke]

 

I just don't think I could bring myself to kick him out, we don't have any issues with our day-to-day relationship. Is there a chance that he is truly letting go of her and moving on now?

 

You do have issues--he's been in touch with his ex behind your back; you've been snooping his cell phone. Those, dear, are big issues. His unresolved feelings for his ex is a huge problem because he's made it plain to her that the door is open to her should she decide to come back.

 

My biggest fear is that when she graduates and moves back here (in about 9 months) he's going to drop me and get back with her...

 

That may happen. That's why you need to talk to him and find out where his head is. And if you want honesty from him, you, too, have to be honest about how you came about this information. Deceit will rot a relationship from the inside out. You both have been deceitful and it's time for the bright light of truth to disinfect that rotten core of your relationship.

[LadyInGreen]

@Versacehottie:

 

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t know if he’d rather be with her if she were here and available, because she’s NOT. I guess you can’t give a definite answer to a situation that doesn’t currently exist.

 

I really like your idea of suggesting a future trip, I’ll definitely try and bring that up with him soon! If he’s receptive to the idea of a trip together next summer, I’ll know he still thinks he will stay with me when she returns, because he knows she’ll have moved back here by then.

Future apartment plans is a little iffy, because I know he wants to buy his own place at some point. I won’t be able to make such a huge financial commitment any time soon, as my parents purchased my flat so it’s not mine to sell. Perhaps it’s time we had a conversation about what his plans are with this, although talking about a future trip definitely sounds more fun!

 

I think he is a bit uncertain, but I can’t imagine he would actually tell me “you’re second best and I settled for you”. I don’t think even HE knows and won’t know until his ex moves back home. But I don’t want to spend another year falling for him, only to have him decide that he DOES want to be with her. If he gets back with her then I will be utterly heartbroken and humiliated, it would undermine our entire relationship and make me feel like filler or a placeholder.

 

Since we never had that initial dating stage as we already lived together, it’s hard to gauge whether or not he ever actually “fell” for me. If he was still saying those things to his ex as recent as a few months ago, or telling her he would still be with her 7 months ago, I can accept that is a very bad sign. My hope is that since she has a BF now he has decided to truly move on and focus on me, but his messages to her from 3 months ago make me doubt that.

 

He 100% idealizes their relationship. It ended when they were in honeymoon-stage and neither of them wanted to break up. He chased her from day one… he initiated their relationship and she actually wasn’t interested in him to begin with but he pursued her. Even when they were together he was way more into her than she was into him.

 

I think our relationship will go one of two ways:

1. His ex moves back, they don’t get back together and I will feel a lot happier knowing he really has chosen me over her.

2. His ex moves back, he dumps me and gets back with her. This is my worst nightmare.

 

I feel like I can’t feel truly secure in this relationship until his ex moves back and I see where his heart really is, and I don’t think he can be sure about it until then either.

[Yummm]

Hey there

 

I'm really empathetic to you and really do hope that good comes out of this conversation that you're going to have!

 

For you to have such a big feeling of uncertainty of your boyfriends faithfulness to you after 1.5 years in a relationship is a serious issue, please don't sugarcoat the situation and address it ASAP as Versace has been advising you.

 

There's no more advice needed, you should be concerned and bring it up in a way that doesn't make him feel cornered. Goodluck to you girl, sending you positive vibes from london xox

[LadyInGreen]

You do have issues--he's been in touch with his ex behind your back; you've been snooping his cell phone. Those, dear, are big issues. His unresolved feelings for his ex is a huge problem because he's made it plain to her that the door is open to her should she decide to come back.

 

You’re right, we definitely do have underlying issues. I just meant that day-to-day our relationship is great and we live together very comfortably. We do everything couples should do… spend quality time together, he comes to visit my family with me etc. So I don’t doubt he loves and cares for me.

 

I only snooped because I was curious if they were still in contact. Up until the end of last year he DID tell me they were in contact, but gave me the impression it was just occasional phone calls. In the last 7 months he hasn’t mentioned having any contact with her, which is why I decided to look at his messages. I’m guessing 7 months ago is when he found out she has a BF.

 

I would just feel terrible asking him to move out, and I wouldn’t have any reason to do so unless I tell him I read his messages. We’re great at living together, have a lovely flat, it’s walking distance from his job. Finding a decent place to live is very very difficult in this city!

 

Thank you to everyone for your opinions and advice, I needed the bluntness and tough love!

[Versacehottie]

@Versacehottie:

 

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t know if he’d rather be with her if she were here and available, because she’s NOT. I guess you can’t give a definite answer to a situation that doesn’t currently exist.

 

 

I feel like I can’t feel truly secure in this relationship until his ex moves back and I see where his heart really is, and I don’t think he can be sure about it until then either.

 

Ok yeah you can't give an answer to a situation that doesn't exist HOWEVER for sure by this point you should supersede her in WHICHEVER context. Fantasy-land or real. You're there and a great girlfriend. If he doesn't realize that you are competing and losing against a ghost. It's unfair and another betrayal. You don't need to wait until she moves back that will just heighten the anxiety and if he is acting weird or wavering at all then, it could destroy you. Not only avoiding bad consequences, you need, deserve and are WORTH an answer now. I wouldn't spend another minute with a guy who after a year and a half did not think I was the best girl for him.

 

I like what the poster above said about not making him feel cornered. And the trip or discussing any future plans is all exploratory. To explore where his head is at. They could be real plans, of course, but more so the point is to get him thinking and focusing. Hmmmm, interesting about him buying his own place. Ask him more about that in a fun dreaming of future plans way. I can see it as normal to want to make his own financial investment in a flat. However, considering you live together how can he bring this up extensively or even a little bit without talking or alluding to the big elephant in the room: if he buys his own place, and you can't get out of yours, what are the plans for your relationship? Most if not all of the relationship that I know that went backwards, fell apart. He's got to know by letting you know his plans for his own flat, it would trigger these questions in you. Bf's with you in their future plans or not wanting you to be upset could easily suggest or allude to solutions that would not leave you hanging or in relationship limbo. Such as, I would buy/invest but we could either stay living here or move to my new place and rent the other place out. That's good for both of you, your relationship and finances. You should see that he is protecting and investing in your relationship too. He's not going to tell you that you are second best of course. He may not even consciously be thinking it. But you can see in his actions and plans and wording what a person truly means and is intending.

 

Yes I'm trying to prevent your humiliation and heart break by having you find out now. There is no point in staying with for potentially another year to "test" who he wants more when she moves back. That's humiliating! If he has to chase you to get back with you, so be it. Then he will have experienced that feeling with you. And some people (a lot of them actually!!) need that feeling to "fall in love". They want the challenge and don't fully appreciate what is easy and comfortable.

 

I didn't realize that he was saying these things to his ex-gf as recently as 3 months ago. That's not great. Christmas makes people (guys especially!!) sentimental. But if he keeps staying in contact with her for such a long time regularly, I think he's trying to stay consistently on her radar so they can get back together, in his mind at least, in the future. So if I were in your shoes, I would try to get the answer of where his feelings really are the way I described and if you don't feel as if you really have the answer OR see any future imessages between them, you can come clean, confront him and throw a fit. Well you know what I mean by "throw a fit" LOL. See you always have the option to tell him you saw the messages and come clean. But he will be defensive, cornered and communication will not be at it's best then. I do agree with honesty in a relationship but I think it might serve you better since this is a complicated problem where you'd be bound to have regrets in whichever way you handled it to use the soft hand first. Find out what he really thinks, see if you can shift focus and if you need to well then confront him. The thing about confronting is then it usually becomes about something else (the fight, defense etc). I don't think you will be satisfied if for example you break up unless you know the true answer to your question: does he love me better, do we have a chance. You know like you said when a relationship doesn't have a "normal" initial dating stage you always wonder.

 

I think it's very possible that you will hear things from him (lack of interest/ planning, being disengaged) that will infuriate you when you are having these dreamy talks. You will wonder why you are not on the same page and he will be pissing you off. These talks are as much for you to gather information from him and JUDGE your own feelings. If his answers do not show that he is sufficiently interested in you, wouldn't it make you feel like you deserve more? Bottom line is "she" is just a catalyst, a reason. You'd need this answer for whatever his apathy or your suspicison that you weren't on the same page and just in order to keep investing. But it is equally possible that you will get him to shift focus. You know, in these conversations it would be perfectly normal and fair to ask him straight out where he sees things going. You can preface it by saying you are only 23 so you don't have your future all mapped out but that you don't want to be in something that doesn't keep progressing and where feelings keep deepening. This is normal at a year and a half at any age, for one partner, hopefully both. Do not wait until she moves back. You will be in a pressure cooker and you deserve more--he's not your roommate. It does no good to fool yourself--that's where you will have regret and be furious with yourself. Good luck

Edited August 12, 2015 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

oops, I forgot to say one very important thing that you need to think seriously about. If you are second best in his mind, she is only the "current" issue. Even if she is not available or for some reason he doesn't leave you for her, it will just be a matter of time before someone else is number one. Or he just decides the relationship isn't working for him anymore. When people take you for granted (as it is when you are living as number one but you do not have that distinction in his mind), it is a simple thing to be replaced. That's why all of what I have said is to get him to consider your relationship and consciously decide that you are number one. Then you will have security.

 

Honestly, it's risky but I wouldn't have a problem doing it: you may need to break up with him or make things so unstable for him that he can see the value. I don't say this as game playing. I say it because your relationship is at a crisis stage. That you live well as roommates on day to day basis is not the issue. You are in crisis as a couple and you need to address it for your own mental sanity. You may lose him if you break up or put relationship on unstable ground--but you don't really have him now anyway. His head is not fully in this. You won't be truly losing him if you break up under these circumstances since you are just spinning your wheels with him anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he is hung up on her.

 

No, you are not his first choice.

 

This is just sad. A big portion of your relationship is based on deception. He was in regular contact with her while playing nice with you. What lies did he tell you when he was seeing her? Where were you when they were together, or even at your flat? Can you put any timeline together and remember where he said he was or who he was with, when he was sneaking around with his ex?

 

That would be enough for me to send him packing. It wouldn't make a lick of difference if he wasn't in contact with her now - going behind my back like that for a whole flippin' year is ridiculous and would show me he isn't trustworthy at all. I wouldn't even be able to look at him, knowing what he had done. That would also demonstrate his horrible lack of love and respect for me and our relationship.

 

You're way too nice, OP. This guy is shady. And you think he's not capable of physically cheating? I wouldn't be so sure about that. He's not exactly going to win any awards for Mr. Honesty, and this only based on what took place via iMessaging. Bad news, indeed.

[LadyInGreen]

@Versacehottie:

 

Thank you, I have decided that over the next couple of days I will start some non-confrontational discussions about potential future plans, like trips or whether he's still thinking of buying his own place. Depending on how he responds, this weekend I think I might have to come clean and just admit I read his messages. It won't be pretty but it might be absolutely necessary.

But if he actually seems really excited about doing things together in the future, I suppose that would help me believe he's really trying to let go of his ex and wants to be with me (and only me).

 

I know it was him who cut off contact between them 7 months ago, and their brief iMessage conversation from 3 months ago was initiated by her (he apparently pocket-dialled her). But then he DID say he still missed her and had heartache over her, which is ridiculous at this point!

 

I think the only way for our relationship to survive this might actually be for me to break up with him and hope that it shows him not to take our relationship for granted and stop wishing for the past. If that doesn't work then I suppose I'm better off. I just really didn't want it to come to this, but I know this might have to happen.

[LadyInGreen]

Yes, he is hung up on her.

 

No, you are not his first choice.

 

This is just sad. A big portion of your relationship is based on deception. He was in regular contact with her while playing nice with you. What lies did he tell you when he was seeing her? Where were you when they were together, or even at your flat? Can you put any timeline together and remember where he said he was or who he was with, when he was sneaking around with his ex?

 

That would be enough for me to send him packing. It wouldn't make a lick of difference if he wasn't in contact with her now - going behind my back like that for a whole flippin' year is ridiculous and would show me he isn't trustworthy at all. I wouldn't even be able to look at him, knowing what he had done. That would also demonstrate his horrible lack of love and respect for me and our relationship.

 

You're way too nice, OP. This guy is shady. And you think he's not capable of physically cheating? I wouldn't be so sure about that. He's not exactly going to win any awards for Mr. Honesty, and this only based on what took place via iMessaging. Bad news, indeed.

 

My hope was that in time he would get over her and I WOULD be his first choice. I knew he wasn’t completely indifferent to her, but I did not realise he actually still wanted to be with her (at least he did 7 months ago) or that he would still be missing and thinking about her fairly recently.

 

I did know they had contact for that year, but he wasn’t honest about seeing her in person or her coming to our flat. She and I are rarely in the same city at the same time, because when she comes back here for university breaks, I go to my parents’ house to stay at the same time (I’m a student too). Basically when one of us is here the other usually isn’t. So it was pretty easy for him, but I also saw there were several instances where she met him at his office for lunch.

 

I want to believe that he’s letting go of her for real, and that he sees me as his first choice now. But I suppose the likely reality is that, if he didn’t fall hard for me in the first year of dating, he probably isn’t going to.

[ExpatInItaly]

My hope was that in time he would get over her and I WOULD be his first choice. I knew he wasn’t completely indifferent to her, but I did not realise he actually still wanted to be with her (at least he did 7 months ago) or that he would still be missing and thinking about her fairly recently.

 

I did know they had contact for that year, but he wasn’t honest about seeing her in person or her coming to our flat. She and I are rarely in the same city at the same time, because when she comes back here for university breaks, I go to my parents’ house to stay at the same time (I’m a student too). Basically when one of us is here the other usually isn’t. So it was pretty easy for him, but I also saw there were several instances where she met him at his office for lunch.

 

I want to believe that he’s letting go of her for real, and that he sees me as his first choice now. But I suppose the likely reality is that, if he didn’t fall hard for me in the first year of dating, he probably isn’t going to.

 

I don't think he's going to, either.

 

But honestly? That's not so relevant compared to his level of deception, and how long he kept it up for. How do you feel knowing he lied to you? (whether directly or by omission) How do you feel knowing she was in your house without your knowledge or consent? That speaks volumes about his level of respect for you and your relationship. He doesn't really have any. Why? Because his heart isn't with you. I would be appalled that he would disrespect me like this in my own home. That right there should be making you really think twice about moving forward with this guy. You say the day-to-day living is great - how? You know now that he was planning behind your back to hang out with his ex. He's apparently good at keeping up a facade and playing happy homes with you while pining for another girl.

 

Even if he came to you tomorrow declaring his undying love, I wouldn't be able to look past the lies and sneaking around. That says a lot about his character. I actually have a lot of sympathy for you OP, because I know what this type of betrayal feels like. I have a sinking feeling you're going to overlook all that deception because the truth is too painful, and you want so badly to make this work. You can do a lot better than a guy like him.

[Versacehottie]

Even if he came to you tomorrow declaring his undying love, I wouldn't be able to look past the lies and sneaking around. That says a lot about his character. I actually have a lot of sympathy for you OP, because I know what this type of betrayal feels like. I have a sinking feeling you're going to overlook all that deception because the truth is too painful, and you want so badly to make this work. You can do a lot better than a guy like him.

 

Yes this bolded, is a very real potential issue. One that the OP may not be able to let go. I don't know about some people but I have told my friends before who were stuck in similar situations to kind of really find everything out. By that I don't mean the snooping and what's happened with his ex. I mean what he really thinks, explore his feelings. I think sometimes people aren't ABLE to let go until they have these answers. It's too abrupt; there will always be underlying, unanswered questions. I mean this more in terms of what their relationship is with each other not the betrayal. There were a few things the OP said that clued me in that she might feel this way. Sometimes when you just focus on the betrayal the rest of your feelings are still tied up in the relationship. That's why you need to know the REAL status of your own relationship to know if you could forgive it, would forgive it and what you mean to the other person. It gives the answers to "why" it happened and how the person really regards you.

 

I sense a fair amount of strength in the OP. I don't think it will sit well with her if he is dismissive of their future or shows that he is not that invested. Then the answer will be easier to walk away. She won't feel like she is losing much. In the current situation, without the answers, she will feel like she is losing to the other girl and if she does something harsh and rash and confronts him without knowing how he feels about HER, the pain will likely live with her more. That's assuming it goes badly. My hope for her is that if he's a good enough guy that she gets what she wants: a relationship where he is loving and focused on her. He can't be much older than her (25/26?) and I think "cheating" is more common at this age. If he showed sufficient commitment and that I was number one, I could stay with him. Their relationship didn't start conventionally anyway. I know plenty of relationships where the person cheated and things are fine (I wouldn't bank on that alone--I know plenty that aren't!)

 

Expat is right. It is a character trait and one that I would be cautious of. Does he push the boundaries in other areas of life? ie if he can get away with cheating, stealing or being dishonest, disrespectful, does he? Or is he blinded by "love" only when it comes to his ex? I think there's a bit of a difference. I would still be cautious. If he's a dishonest person in general, break up. That's not going away.

 

Sometimes people just need to "see it to the end" to know they are doing the right thing. I have been there and have advised friends in similar situations. LadyinGreen CAN definitely do better but she's already in love with this one. The answers are for herself. It's time that she be selfish. I think she sounds like one of the more rare people on here that will look out for herself rather than stay in a bad relationship. I don't think she wants THAT badly to make it work, not at the cost of losing herself. You get that, right, OP?

 

Just keep in mind what EXPAT said. You can and will do better if you need to so don't be afraid to find out the truth and confront the issue. There is life beyond this guy. Also sometimes if you get the guy you think you want, you don't really end up with a prize. You want a prize and something that will make you happy. Life in London is great and you are 23--there is a lot out there for you. Don't pin your life to someone who won't make it better. You don't want a question hanging over your head for more than the next few weeks wondering if you are who he would choose in any universe, among all the girls in the world. The answer needs to be yes otherwise move on.