What can I do or say to fix things?

[Kylemopar]

So there's this girl who I didn't date for long but within that time we got close. We were very comfortable with each other. She told me things she would never tell anyone. I believe that comfortability is the most important for a strong and happy relationship. I feel that she was the one, my soulmate. Then we kind of fell off when she became overwhelmed with my kindness (because I wanted to make everything perfect for her, like a fairy tale because she loved Disney) so she kind of ignored my texts while telling me that she wasn't ignoring me so for a month I was confused to wether she liked me or not.

 

She would never tell me that she wasn't interested anymore even during the times I asked her to be completely honest with me, she just strung me along. Then one day I just had it and sent her an email like giving her an ultimatum. We got into an argument and I said things that I shouldn't have, things like her being 26 and not being able to get things right in life, like me being 21 and more successful than she was. At the age of 26 things like going to the club and getting ****faced each weekend should stop or at least tone down a bit. She told me that she never ever wants to speak to me again after the things I said. She made 'never ever' pretty clear.

 

I apologized to her after what I said but she didn't reply. It's been 3 weeks since we had any contact, I was thinking of waiting a month before asking her how she's been. I really want her back but more than that I want to make things right with her, at least be her friend. So what and how do I say it? I want her back. I need her back. These feelings won't go away and I hate that they won't that it's hurting me so much inside.

Edited August 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Chi townD]

This might not be what you want to hear, but you need to back off dude. You need to let this one go. No one wants to be told that they're unsuccessful (aka a loser). No one wants to be called and alcoholic (to which you've implied). Did you mess up? Yep! But, what's done is done. You need to learn from it. and move on.

 

 

I wish I had something better to tell you. But, back off. If she comes around, great! But, I wouldn't get your hopes up. So, start living your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are, she's not.

[Satu]

1. There is no such thing as 'The One.'

 

2. There is no such thing as a 'Soulmate.'

 

What there is are people, who either get along well together, or not.

 

Getting along well includes not indulging in emotionally violent and wounding speech.

 

That is something which should simply never happen.

 

When extreme, such speech can wound a person for life.

 

Never use your speech to make a person feel that they are less than they are.

 

 

If you learn this early on in your life, your life and relationships will be much better.

 

 

Take care.

[Kylemopar]

So I want her back, but more than that I want to make things right. I want things between her and I to be okay and cool again. We dated for a bit and falling off was pretty ugly. I aid things that I shouldn't have that probably really hurt her feelings. Like her being 26 and not even being more successful than me, me being 20. Along with other things.

 

I didn't mean it, I sent her an email of apology but she didn't reply to it. It's been 3 weeks now since the argument and we haven't spoken yet, but I still feel the guilt. If it were anyone else I would've gotten over it pretty quickly and would've gone on with my life, but she works next to me. So it's pretty difficult to forget about someone when you see their car that reminds you of them each day. It's hurts like hell that I said things like that to a woman that I cared so much for, but I as mad, and she hurt me; but she didn't deserve to basically be called a loser/nobody.

 

I want to make things right, she hates me I know she does, she told me in the argument that she never wants to speak to me again and to get lost. I purposely try to avoid running into her outside, I always check first before leaving. To the point where I even told her that I would be going to lunch during a 15min window just so she know when not to leave for lunch (we both leave for lunch at 12) but she would sometimes still leave during the time window I told her not to. But when I'm warming up my car and see her walking to hers, I notice that she would give my car a quick glance. Luckily I have tint so she can't see me looking at her waiting for her to pass. Maybe she wants to talk to me? I don't know. But I want to talk to her, maybe invite her for some coffee to apologize properly.

 

I just want to be able to give her a good morning along with a smile each time I see her, I don't know if that's too much to ask for. I really like this girl but I smothered her a drove me away, she told me that I did nothing wrong and that I was very sweet, it was just that I was overwhelming and didn't give her much space, she called me obsessive, which really hurt me. She says that she's not the kind of girl that really likes that kind of stuff. If she told me that when we were together I would've totally listened and backed off, I would've changed just for her. But she told me that after the shxt hit the fan.

 

I want her back honestly, but I don't think that could happen now. So I just want her and I to be friends at least.

Edited August 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[912brian24]

Whenever the word "obsessive" is thrown in the mix you've got to completely step away from her and I mean completely! I know you said some hurtful things to her but still just step completely out of the picture and let things die down!

[Kylemopar]

Brian that's exactly what I'm doing, things have been dying down for 3 weeks now. I'm gonna wait longer trust me, but at some point I'm gonna have to stop dodging her and apologize. I was never the kind of person to say things like that. And she called me Obsessive during the argument.

[aloneinaz]

Listen my friend,

 

 

You keep posting the same questions on new threads? Are you expecting someone to tell you something different in this one? The advice to you has been consistent in LETTING IT GO..

 

 

She's gone, checked out and no longer wants you in her life. You need to come to accepting that fact. Obsessing over her like you are is not going to allow you to do that. There's NOTHING you can do at this point to change her mind.

 

 

You're only option is to vanish from her life. Block her on social media so you don't stalk her there and let time passing and out of sight, out of mind help you move onto someone new.

[Kylemopar]

That's my point! I can't vanish. She works next to me and parks right across from me. I forget about her for a few days but when I just happen to see her going to my lunch break everything keeps rushing back. The guilt, the pain, the feelings. I know damn well that she moved on, that's not the point. I want to be able to go outside with a smile even if I see her. If I can't have her as my gf then I at least want her as a friend.

[Kylemopar]

Either give me good advice or don't tell me anything like just forgetting about her and vanishing completely. Because every single day I come in to work, every time I leave for lunch or to go home...SHES RIGHT THERE..

[aloneinaz]

Either give me good advice or don't tell me anything like just forgetting about her and vanishing completely. Because every single day I come in to work, every time I leave for lunch or to go home...SHES RIGHT THERE..

 

If seeing her everyday is holding you back, maybe it's time to find another job. I know it's terribly difficult to move on if you have to see them daily after a break up. Many people who screw up and dip their pin in company ink pay for it by having to change jobs.

[Gus Grimly]

Either give me good advice or don't tell me anything like just forgetting about her and vanishing completely. Because every single day I come in to work, every time I leave for lunch or to go home...SHES RIGHT THERE..

 

The advice given to you is the correct course of action. Yes, we get it, you're in a difficult situation, but you've made no clear goals and made no plans on how to achieve them. No contact will help you regain your composure so you can stop being so needy and concentrate on yourself and your own future without her in it.

 

Just keep the contact as limited as possible. If you don't love your job and are flexible consider looking for employment elsewhere. If you can't leave or don't want to quit your job you're destined for further drama. If that's the case you could make some changes. Ask for different hours, see if there are other opportunities/positions within the company, break your normal routine, ask for a different lunch hour, don't engage your Ex, park somewhere else, keep it professional and don't let the breakup disrupt your ability to work and how your colleagues see you.

 

P.S. Get the idea of being "Friends" out of your head. It never works and you are kidding yourself if you think that friendship might lead back to romance.

[Kylemopar]

The advice given to you is the correct course of action. Yes, we get it, you're in a difficult situation, but you've made no clear goals and made no plans on how to achieve them. No contact will help you regain your composure so you can stop being so needy and concentrate on yourself and your own future without her in it.

 

Just keep the contact as limited as possible. If you don't love your job and are flexible consider looking for employment elsewhere. If you can't leave or don't want to quit your job you're destined for further drama. If that's the case you could make some changes. Ask for different hours, see if there are other opportunities/positions within the company, break your normal routine, ask for a different lunch hour, don't engage your Ex, park somewhere else, keep it professional and don't let the breakup disrupt your ability to work and how your colleagues see you.

 

P.S. Get the idea of being "Friends" out of your head. It never works and you are kidding yourself if you think that friendship might lead back to romance.

 

Well my plan was to wait a few more months like maybe 2 or 4 then send her a message on fb or email asking her how she's been and if she would like to get some coffee when she isn't too busy. If she doesn't reply to that or says no then I guess I'm gonna have to find another job. I make good money, 32k a month. I'm only 20 so I kind of hit a gold mine. Letting go is easier said than done. If she worked with me it would've been much easier. But she works in the company next to me but she parks in our lot even though there is clearly enough space in theirs. I'll be fine if I can't have her, cause I know that I can find somebody buy she won't ever find someone like me. It's just that she's crazy enough to want to key my car before we even meant just because I double parked, so imagine now. I want a safe environment for my car and my heart. I want to find someone else trust me, Classes start on the 25th so Ill find someone no doubt. But just seeing her car each day reminds of everything like the time she said that I was the most comfortable she's ever been with a man, like she can tell me anything, and she did. She told me some pretty heavy things about her life that's she's never said to anyone before and thats not something I can just forget or hope that she forgets so easily.

[keebee]

The thing is, if you go in thinking that you'll wait 2 or 4 months or whatever time point you set to reach out to her to be friends, you'll just delay your healing that much more. There are tons of people to have as friends, you don't *need* her as a friend.

 

You say she said stuff you can't just forget or let go of, but unfortunately, you have to--she does not want to be with you, either as a friend or as a boyfriend. What you said to her in your argument is extremely hurtful, and you have to accept the fact that she may *never* want to talk to you again. Many women, as they head toward their late 20s (myself included, at 27) start to learn what they will and will not put up with from boyfriends/friends/people in general. That sort of statement is something that would be a dealbreaker for me in any sort of relationship--there's no point in putting effort into building a friendship with someone who implies/says that I'm not successful/a loser when that effort could go into a friendship with someone who wouldn't talk to me like that. She may be in the same mind frame.

 

The quicker you accept that she is out of your life in any meaningful way, the quicker you can heal. Yes, you see her car or you run into her when you leave for lunch, but you don't have to let that define you and keep you from moving on. It's all about accepting that it is over and she's not coming back, then committing to healing from it.

[Realitycol]

You're 20.

 

So you love some girl huh?

 

You love this being so much you'd do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for her, right?

 

But, you have a but in there right? You'd do everything except let her go right? If you truly love someone sometimes the best thing you can do for that being is let it go.

 

Let love go. If it was meant to be love will do its work and bring her back. Hopefully you two haven grown A LOT by then.

 

Let it go, it's unhealthy being so obsessed over someone or something. That's not love, that's just brain issues, almost creepy status.

[Kylemopar]

Maybe you guys are right, I don't need her. It's just that fact that I said those things makes me feel terrible. I mean sure I want her back but if I can't then whatever. I at least just want to be cool with her and I. I don't want that weird feeling every time I see her when going to lunch.

[Realitycol]

Man, all I'm reading from your last post is "not easy" "not easy" "easiest thing" holy crap stop seeking the easy way out. Nothing is easy in life. Being married to "the one" for the rest of your life is the total opposite of easy. I don't care if you're justin bieber or Michael Jordon, you can't convince someone to love you or set an alarm clock to see if her heart's into you or not...

 

You come back 31 days 00 hours and 00 min and 00 seconds later and bust into her life and ask her out for ...coffee... and she'd just be thinking how you got NO OTHER OPTIONS and still all over her and she'll see right through you. If she's a decent human being she'd just ignore you or if she has no class she could just use you for what she wants. You want to be used, because you are so obsessed and putting a girl on a pedestal. Where's your self love and self-respect?

 

She told you her inner secrets and all that because AT THE TIME, she was very comfortable with you and she had nothing to lose when telling you them. Doesn't mean it's the same right now.

 

GET THE HINT, you hurt her. You talked **** about her success vs yours, who are you to judge someone else's success? You didn't mean it, so what? So why do you say hurtful things to someone you love, because you have no self control over your emotions. That control doesn't just get learned in 31 days 00 hours 00 min 00 seconds or whenever you're alarm clock is set to talk to your ex.

 

She ignored your apologies, she ignored you and doesn't want anything to do with you. Even if she might still have interest in you, she doesn't want anything to do with you. You = pain to her.

 

You can't fix anything, the harder you force yourself on her the harder she'll want you GONE from her life. She'll keep cutting bridges and get you a nice restraining order, which is on the permanent record.

 

You want to fix and clean the mess? That's great, takes 2 to make that work. She doesn't want you to do anything, but leave her alone. You love her? Then respect that. Get a hint.

 

You're feeling guilt? You feel bad for blowing your emotional load on a nice woman? Then do yourself a favor for your next relationship to not EVER EVER do that again. Unless you want to break your next woman's heart too. It's 100% guaranteed to rip a girl's heart/brain apart when you act like that.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Realitycol

[keebee]

Even if you want things to be cool, she likely *does not* want them to be, which is why she told you she did not want any more contact with you ever. You're right that what you said is awful, and assuming that you weren't together for super long, it may not be worth her time, effort, or vulnerability to let things get back to being cool. Sometimes, it is just easier to cut your losses and not give someone the chance to hurt you again. If you don't accept that, you don't have a chance at healing. You CANNOT make things cool or okay between you guys if she doesn't want to, and that is NOT your choice to make.

 

Instead, put that energy to making sure that you don't make similar mistakes in your future relationships. Saying cruel things is a surefire way to end a relationship and burn the bridge on your way out.

[quattrob]

I can't say I feel sorry for you TC, seems to me that you're really immature and you don't deserve to be in a relationship. She was someone you so called "love" but you bash her success and go as low as compare it with yours? Success is not just measured by your career, achievements and money. Because I can guarantee you those things don't mean jack if it turns you to this person who belittles others' and feel like you're better than them.

 

 

And it's typical for someone like you to "realize" what wrongs they've done to their ex when they decided they didn't want any of your crap anymore. And you are still trying to make excuses and blame her for the reasons why you acted a certain way. You need to man up and stop making excuses. You are accountable and responsible for your own actions, it doesn't matter if someone else hurt you first. What does retaliating do? I don't need to explain to you because you got the answer first hand.

 

 

You need to grow up TC, and let her go. No matter how much you plan to change and make things right, it won't matter if you are only changing for her. You really need to change for yourself not for someone else. Take this breakup as lesson and improve yourself for your next relationship.

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Dude you are 20...the next ten years of your life hold so much that you cant even picture it yet or contemplate what lies ahead

 

My advice would be to look for a new job and get a new start away from this girl as it sounds like you are obsessed about getting back with her

 

Are you confident? Would you travel alone? If you feel yes than I recommend you get a few weeks away somewhere and by the time you come back you will feel much better and realise just what's out there

 

The moment you put a girl on a pedestal is the moment your not in control

 

Just remember you are becoming a man, you are the one who rides the horse into the sunset and any girl should have to chase your horse and show you shes worthing of you letting her jump on for the ride that is your life!

[Kylemopar]

Everyone is saying the same thing, let her go, cut her off completely, she doesn't want me or cares about me anymore. I hear you guys, I get it. My brain is telling me the same thing, but my heart is killing me with 'what if' and I really need you guys to help me with this. There's a difference between wanting her and willing to do anything to keep her. She hasn't blocked me off Facebook or IG of which I told her was an option for her if she truly doesn't want to talk to me. But it kind of sucks just sitting at home having having all the time in the world to think of the things I could've done differently.

[ExpatInItaly]

Everyone is saying the same thing, let her go, cut her off completely, she doesn't want me or cares about me anymore. I hear you guys, I get it. My brain is telling me the same thing, but my heart is killing me with 'what if' and I really need you guys to help me with this. There's a difference between wanting her and willing to do anything to keep her. She hasn't blocked me off Facebook or IG of which I told her was an option for her if she truly doesn't want to talk to me. But it kind of sucks just sitting at home having having all the time in the world to think of the things I could've done differently.

 

Nobody here can help you with that if she doesn't want it. And right now, she doesn't.

 

She knows how to get in touch with you if she chooses. Any contact made in the near future is likely not going to be well-received by her. Perhaps in a couple months, perhaps in a year. You'll know when and if she is ready to talk. There's a good chance that by then, you'll have started detaching from her anyway and won't feel the same urge to reach out. For now, write what want to say her on paper on in your word processor. You might find it helpful to just get the words out, even if she never hears them.

 

In the meantime, you've learned a very tough lesson. Angry words hurt, they can't be taken back, and you're paying the price by having her walk away but still being physically present. If you happen to see her, suck it up and simply say hello. That's all.

 

In the future, think about what you're saying before you lash out. Ask yourself why you went there, why you felt the need to belittle and insult her, what you were feeling in that moment when the insults came out. Getting to the root of it should help you maintain better control in future relationships.

[quattrob]

It all comes down to TC not having enough experience and being immature (which both is normal for his age). When you're in a love relationship with someone, you never ever insult or make others feel bad about themselves no matter what. You're supposed to "protect" one an other and support one another not belittle her. Tough lesson but please learn from your mistakes.

[Kylemopar]

Well I kind of ignored everyone's advice...okay not kind of more like full blown ignored. I told her I was sorry and if she wanted to get some coffee, result was unexpected. She said that she's not mad at me, just disappointed. That she doesn't want to kill me anymore. She want to have coffee with me this week so she can talk to me. Her wanting to talk to me puts be a bit on edge. I just really hope it's something positive.

[Kylemopar]

Okay so if you have the time please go ahead and read this thread I posted before http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/542497-what-can-i-do-say-fix-things

 

The advice I got from was only to forget about her completely because she would never want I talk to me. I ignored the advice given to me and I sent a message on fb along with asking out to some coffee. To my surprise this was her response (ignore her spelling, I'm copying and pasting) , "Anthony I not mad at you I'm just very disappointed. We can have coffee this week so I can talk to you know I don't want to kill you no more and don't worry I'm not the type of girl to get all stupid and do stuff to someone else's car."

 

I told her that it sounded good and that she can pick the day. She hasn't responded yet and I replied on Tuesday. What do you guys expect that she wants to talk to me about? Is it about a second chance? Or just having a normal friendship? Keep in mind that she never hated me over something I did bad like cheat on her or lie to her. She that I was sweet but overwhelming. That I did nothing wrong just that she doesn't like to be smothered.

 

I only said those mean things to her when I completely had it with her, otherwise I would never have done any such thing to ever hurt her.

[Toodaloo]

I really don't think you should go.

 

I really don't think you should talk to this girl.

 

All too much drama and messing about.

 

Seriously.

 

Just let it go. Move on.