notexactly Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I need serious advice right now. To anyone who can help, thank you so much. My boyfriend and I met in an online game a little over a year ago, and we have been together for about 1 year in a long-distance relationship. We live in different countries (same timezone) but we take turns flying over to meet each other. He has flown over twice and usually stays for about 9 days. I flew over twice, once for about a week and a half, and the other time I stayed for about 3 months since I just graduated and am unemployed. There is this girl, let's call her Brenda, that he met many years ago in another online game that I've never played. They flirted and fell in love with each other before we even met, and even once flew over to her state to try and meet up with her, only to realize that she never showed up. After that incident, she apologized and mentioned that she had problems securing the house she was living in and (from what he said) she was self-conscious about her chubby body and therefore chose not to meet up with him. He was initially disappointed in her but forgave her and they continued to keep in contact with each other. About maybe 3-4 months later, he got together with me. I told my boyfriend that I didn't want a digital relationship, and so a month later he flew over to meet me. This touched me and made me feel that he was serious about us. We lived in a small hotel he rented. However, I noticed that he checks my phone's messaging apps while I sleep at night or when I shower. When I ask about it, he denies doing it. Furthermore, when I hold on to his phone to play games, he gets anxious and almost always tries to grab it back and doesn't let me use it for long. This led me to think that there is something suspicious about him, and so I checked his phone when I have the opportunity to. I found him messaging Brenda, along the lines of "sorry can't talk now, I'm in the hotel with my girlfriend". Later on in the relationship, he said that he told her this because he "wanted to spend time with me in the hotel uninterrupted", to which he added that "I'd only message her if we're not spending time together. She is a long-time friend and I don't want you to have any ideas about us". I scrolled up to find out kinky messages exchanged between them before we met, so that was when I found out that he had a thing for this girl Brenda in the past. I can't remember if they exchanged kinky messages after my boyfriend and I became "official", but I certainly do remember that he webcammed with her while we were in a relationship. I don't know what they did, but he claims that she pestered to see him on camera and therefore he agreed. In the conversation she said "omg so much arm, you know I love your arm". I had no idea what this meant, but I suspected that he was wanking in front of the camera for her, or at least trying to tease her (Any suggestions as to what he could've been doing during he webcam session?) When I asked him about it, he said he didn't do anything sexual or bad. It was hard to believe. My boyfriend showed me his on camera before we became official. He is the kind of person who likes showing his on camera, as well as sending pics on his phone. Before he left my country he was able to persuade me that he loves me and have nothing to do with the girl. Our relationship went on and I thought nothing much about the girl. I simply expressed that I didn't want him to talk to her that much because she didn't show up when he flew over to meet up with her, and that she was not worth his time. My boyfriend agreed. One day, months later, my boyfriend told me something I didn't expect - that he was talking to Brenda and she wanted to see him badly. He refused, but Brenda threatened to contact me (his gf) and send me his nudes that she has. I thought they had stopped talking, but obviously I wouldn't have found out if my boyfriend didn't tell me about this. I reassured him that if she did that, I wouldn't be affected and will still love him as much. However, I expressed my disappointment that he was still talking to her. At that point I felt that she was a threat to our relationship, and asked him to ignore and block her. He refused to block her, saying that that is rude, but that he will stop talking to her, and assured me that if she ever talked to him again, he will then ignore, reject or even block her. 9 months into the relationship, I visited him for 3 months. At that point the 'honeymoon period' was over and we have already started arguing over little things, especially games and things he said. I never gave too much thought about it because I often forget about the arguments a few days later. I thought that these arguments were part and parcel of every relationship. However, I didn't realise that these arguments affected him and made him feel doubtful about us. One day, he told me that he was doubtful of our relationship and that he came home late from work one day because he met up with his best friend (let's call him Doug) outside to have a talk about our relationship. He said Doug gave him some advice and asked him to talk to me about it. We did, and I felt hurt because I had always seen him as someone I would marry. After he said that he was "doubtful of our relationship" due to the increasing number of arguments we've had, I started losing hope that we'd end up marrying each other. It rocked my security of the relationship. He also pointed out many of the flaws I had. My suspicions kicked in. One night, I checked his phone, and found out that he had started texting Brenda. I found the first part of the conversation deleted, because the messages started with her saying "hey", and him saying "You're late ". It turned out she started texting him, and he had told her to text him only when he is at work, so that I can't see him messaging her. The conversation contained messages of the old times when they used to play games together, a few kinky messages, and one serious thing - he said "I want to see your nudes, but I know I'm being a jerk for saying that". The girl continued semi-flirting with him but rejected sending him nudes. He said he "likes seeing naked female bodies". The conversation ended with "We can keep talking, but keep this PG " I assumed that if I hadn't found out, he would've continued texting her behind my back. When i confronted him about this the next day, he said he was sorry and that he was a jerk for doing that. I asked him why he texted her, he replied "she started texting me first". I asked him why he didn't ignore or block her like how he said he was going to, he said "I guess I just miss her, we've had a long history together". I asked why he asked her for nudes, he said "Because she once told me she was going to send me her nudes, but she never did. I guess I just wanted to see the nudes". Also, he said that we were arguing a lot, and that I had a screwed-up bedtime, so he just wanted someone to text with. I told him I wanted to go home. He apologised a lot and said things like "I realise I'm a jerk and I won't do that again, you can kiss me on my eyelids (something which he absolutely hates) and I won't watch porn again" to try to console me and to prove that he is serious. I took his words. I forgave him. I asked him to send her a message telling her that she shouldn't message him again. She never replied. He deleted her number off his phone, but that didn't reassure me because he did that the last time. About a month later, he was looking for anime porn to download while beside me. I truly didn't feel that it was wrong for an attached man to watch porn, but I was reminded of the words he said about "not watching porn again" and felt that he was going back on his words, and thus felt that I couldn't trust that he wouldn't talk to Brenda again (Can anyone tell me that if you were him, would you talk to Brenda again after your partner has found out about you sexting her?). I asked him about it, he said "Sorry i forgot I said that, I was just trying to forget the whole Brenda thing..." I started feeling weird when he watches porn beside me. I felt that I wasn't enough for him. I told him about that, we argued a little, and we agreed that anime porn is fine, but real human porn isn't fine. It was my way of trying to be reassured that he was serious about his apologies for his mistake. He started feeling that I was controlling about this matter. He has already told me that he is done with Brenda, but feels like he should be able to watch real human porn because he likes seeing naked female bodies. I relented and apologized for being controlling, but somehow I just can't stop feeling 'betrayed' that he went back on his words, and can't trust that he is completely over Brenda. This has led us to argue even more as I tend to bring back the issue. We have other issues too, such as me disliking his best friend Doug because he was often very rude to me. My boyfriend says that's how he is, and that he should never change, but he says that I'm irrational and childish, and wants me to be less uptight (i.e. asking me to change). We argued badly about Doug, and he even once said that "I'm not going to lie and make things sound nice, because I want to be honest. If i ever have to choose between my best friend and you, I'm going to choose my best friend." I've told him that I didn't want him to choose between his best friend and I, and that I'd never want him to lose his best friend. However, I expressed that I felt that he wasn't 'on my side' when he brushed me off as irrational, uptight and childish for 'not being able to take his friend's jokes'. I was also deeply hurt by his comment. I'm the kind of girl who'd choose him over my best friend. It was utterly upsetting to find out that he doesn't think that way. I have started feeling that this isn't the man I'd want to marry... someone who is able to say such things to his girlfriend, isn't worth marrying. I wish that things will change for the better, and that I can finally see him as someone I can marry again. - WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIM - I feel like I have to add this section. I love him because he is funny, relaxed, outgoing, likes playing games like me, helpful, generous, kind, gentlemanly, always pays for everything for me (he pays for my every meal whenever I am with him, and even gave me allowance to go on a shopping trip with his family, and buys games and in-game items for me when I ask for it). Unfortunately the resentments I have about him are because of the above and I feel like I can't trust him. I want to see this man as someone as I want to marry, because I love him and genuinely enjoy the time we physically spend together, not arguing. This is hard because we are still in a long-distance relationship, and it doesn't seem like he has any plans to marry me over yet, or if I can find a job over there. It doesn't help that after I left his country, he started spending a lot of time with his friends and family, and less time with me. In the past, he used to be so enthusiastic about talking to me after work. Now, he seems busier than ever, saying that he has neglected his friends and family when I was over there and wants to spend more time with them. This is despite the fact that he has recently switched to a job that requires much less hours from him. I feel that he has changed, and it makes it even harder for me to cope with the long distance. He has told me that he still loves me and wants to talk to me, but it doesn't feel like it. Now, he spends about 3-6 hours after work with friends and family, and only 1-2 hours with me a night on most days. He says interacting with me for 21 hours a week is a lot, but spending 4-5 hours playing in a competitive team for an online game for up to 6 days a week isn't. We argue a lot about these things. Please, help me. I don't want to break up with him, but I am unhappy in this relationship. How can I or we make things better? Also, how can I trust him again?
Toodaloo Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Do not choose this guy over your best friend. I am sorry, but I think you already know what the answer is and you are just looking for us to validate your decision... 1
PegNosePete Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I don't want to break up with him, but I am unhappy in this relationship. How can I or we make things better? Also, how can I trust him again? You can't change him and you can't trust him, because he is not trustworthy. You can either remain in an unhappy relationship or you can leave it. Those are your only choices, I'm afraid. I would urge you to choose the latter.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Honestly, I just couldn't read that wall of text. I'm getting the impression that you're trying to have a 'relationship' with someone who lives in another country and conducts his entire personal life online, 'falling in love' with girls he meets online. Aside from being utterly childish, juvenile and completely socially stunted, the guy is a waste of your time. Seriously, why are you letting your life pass you by while you waste your time with some internet guy? Find someone to be with in real time, someone who has better things to do than spend all his time in a fantasy world online. The guy sounds like he's freakin' 15 years old. 2
veggirl Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Your bf is a total creep and lives in an online fantasy world with girls in other countries, games and anime. Has he ever had a gf that he met for the first time in real life and not online? Does he have many real life friends that he met in real life not online? You can do better, I assure you. What's the end game? Are one of you planning to move to the others country or stay ldr forever?
Fleur de cactus Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Don't waste your time with him. He is a gamer and player. He enjoys interaction with women he meets online. It is his joy and distraction . Online games to him is a way to play game, it is his way to find women. And now you want him to stop it , and he does not want you to Control him. He prefers this long distance because you will not be there to see what he is doing. You know better than us that you cannot marry a man who would chose his buddy over you! He showed that you are nobody to him by making this statement. Move on and find a man who can love.
kendahke Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm with Lois--I'm not reading that wall of text. At best what you have is a digital pen pal... your "relationship" is conducted primarily through cell phones. You're not there in his city with him, so that's how he gives himself permission to do as he wishes. Seriously--find a guy you can see in person any day of the week. A week here, 10 days there doesn't make it a relationship. It makes it a distraction.
Lansing Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 SHE IS LIVING WITH HIM OK, maybe that will catch people's attention. It is a long post but if you aren't going to read at least half of it maybe refrain from responding at all. I think OP should do a "Too Long, didn't read" summary though! I didn't read it all either so I am not going to respond directly to the question if there is one.
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 OMG this is painful to read. As far as I'm concerned the writing is on the wall with this guy. This is WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA for any relationship never mind a LD one! Listen, there are a few essentials every couple needs before embarking on a LDR and #1 is TRUST. Plain and simple. Without it you have NOTHING. LDR aren't for the weak or insecure. This guy is painfully disrespectful both of you and your relationship. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. Anyone with half a brain can see this. I think you already know this but are grasping a straws hoping someone on here is going to pass along some magical solution to turn him into the man of your dreams. Not going to happen. One of the many dangers of LDR is that couples spend more time apart than together. Better judgement is often clouded by feelings of missing their partner and being addicted to the honeymoon high every time they're together in real life for however long or short. It can be very deceiving and is often the catalyst for rationalizing bad or inappropriate behavior. I mean, would you be as forgiving regarding his shenanigans if you lived together? I doubt it. As for the things you love about him, so what? That list isn't unique nor is it any different from a list of traits any self-respecting woman might have regarding their respective partners. Your reasons do not make for a good argument for why you want to keep him around I'm afraid. My advice? Tread carefully. This guy doesn't appear to have both feet invested in your relationship. And you can't have a relationship without trust. Just because you want him to "be the one" doesn't mean he is or will ever be. You're clinging to a fantasy of him rather than the reality. Perhaps you might spend this time apart thinking long and hard about why you're desperately hanging on to someone you know in your gut isn't doing right by you. Good luck.
smackie9 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I just read "On line game.... and we are LD......we live in different countries...." This spells disaster. You think this old friend is an issue? I'm sure he's been up to other things too. I'm not say all people can't be trusted, but when you put yourself in this type of relationship, the odds are not in your favor. Get out of this relationship and cut your losses.....it has run it's course. Tip: date locally.
kendahke Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 SHE IS LIVING WITH HIM OK, maybe that will catch people's attention. It is a long post but if you aren't going to read at least half of it maybe refrain from responding at all. I think OP should do a "Too Long, didn't read" summary though! I didn't read it all either so I am not going to respond directly to the question if there is one. last paragraph from OP's first post: This is hard because we are still in a long-distance relationship, what is long distance about that? Living room to bedroom commute?
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