Am I approaching dating just wrong?

August 11, 2015

I think maybe I just have no luck with women. If it's a girl I don't feel 100% into, they keep wanting more. Do I really have to be a jerk to get girls? I always thought that was a dumb and respecting women was better.

I recently started to talk to a girl I met online though a friend. We met after I made a comment on a post she was tagged in and after my friend used facebook to introduce us and we started to talk. She lives in another city about 2 hours away, and due to our schedule we would not be able meet until she came to visit for a music festival this past weekend.

Some background on her, she has never dated and doesn't have much experience in that field. and she agreed to a date with me when she came to the festival.

So come Friday I take her out to lunch, I grabbed a single rose just to surprise her. The lunch went well I thought and after I dropped her off at her hotel we talked about meeting at the festival, and told her to msg me since she was sick and needed to go take a nap I would probably be their before her. She never msged me but I did spot her at the festival. But I was a bit out of it from drinking so I didn't approach her. I msg her later and she did not reply to much later, she explained she did not get data reception and told me to text her instead tomorrow. I mentioned that I think I saw her but she walked past me, she felt bad and said sorry and told me to just say hi if it happens tomorrow.

Next day I msg her to say hi, and asked her if she was at the grounds again her replies seems short and didnt seem to invite me to come find her so I didn't really text back. Next day i ask her how her first music festival was, and when she was going back home. She had fun and told me she was leaving right away, to which I replied that I thought she was staying one more day as i was hoping to go get dinner. She never replied to that and that was the last time we spoke, I know shes been online and seen her phone but she hasnt replied or text me back.

DO I have to be a jerk for a girl to like me? Do I have to act like I don't care about them for them to be interested? I just don't get it.

August 11, 2015

No you don't have to be a jerk. But you should save your kindness for those who appreciate it.

Personally when I am interested in a guy it soon wanes when he is a jerk.

99.9% of the time though with any form of dating most of the people you have initial interest in will not have interest in you. Its a bummer at the time but not the end of the world.

I shouldn't worry if you do see this girl at the festival tomorrow. If I were you I would just concentrate on having a good time. Look around there are lots of other single women out there who will probably be more interested in you.

August 11, 2015

Dude - she's just not that into you - being a jerk likely won't change that. Why is it hard to believe that if you're not 100% into a lot of girls, that a lot of girls aren't 100% into you?

Moreover, most people would probably say it's not worth the effort if the other person lives 2 hours away and they don't know you at all (I certainly would, most of my buddies would, and many of the girls I've dated would) - and a rose out of the gate the first time you meet, while some may like it, a lot of people find it odd and needy - and effectively a turn off because it seems like you're taking it too seriously (which, based on your post, you are).

So no - you don't need to be a jerk, but I would recommend finding people that live close to you and not looking desperate/needy when you first meet them...

August 11, 2015

Ya you went out once, and the date went OK....doesn't mean there will automatically be romance in the cards. Take the hint and move on.

I think what you just need to do is stop being so invested off the top and take things more casually.

August 11, 2015

Sigh... Honestly I don't think I was being needy, what's wrong with being sweet? I'm a business professional and i grew up with the idea to treat women well. what's so needy looking about single rose on a first date. And no it wasn't a "hey let's grab lunch" it was literally confirmed as a date on both sides. I thought it went well and she said it was a sweet gesture. However last two days just seemed to be totally different in terms of how was. She used to text me all the time but hasn't since Sunday. And I don't want to text first because I feel to vurnabale Already. It's not like we are exclusive, heck I still am seeing another girl to.

Just sick of the games and stuff, why can people just be adults. At this age it should be more simple. She certainly seemed into me and gave no signs that she wasn't until this weekend. Maybe it's best I wait a few days to see what happens

August 11, 2015

A single rose IS too much of a romantic gesture when it was just lunch. Women like some challenge during the "get to know you" process.

I went out on a dinner date with a guy that I worked with. The next day he had a single rose delivered to my door. I backed off, because to me that meant his feelings were beyond how I felt about him. I wasn't sure I wanted to date him, and I didn't want to lead him on.

August 11, 2015

Sigh... Honestly I don't think I was being needy, what's wrong with being sweet? I'm a business professional and i grew up with the idea to treat women well. what's so needy looking about single rose on a first date. And no it wasn't a "hey let's grab lunch" it was literally confirmed as a date on both sides. I thought it went well and she said it was a sweet gesture. However last two days just seemed to be totally different in terms of how was. She used to text me all the time but hasn't since Sunday. And I don't want to text first because I feel to vurnabale Already. It's not like we are exclusive, heck I still am seeing another girl to.

Just sick of the games and stuff, why can people just be adults. At this age it should be more simple. She certainly seemed into me and gave no signs that she wasn't until this weekend. Maybe it's best I wait a few days to see what happens

So, you think you had a good date and now you're making her pursue you because you're too vulnerable to text her? No wonder you struggle. Regardless of whether or not she's interested, the fact that you're not reaching out to her, likely makes her feel like you're not interested...this one is going to just vanish unless you put yourself out there. If think you got along well, she won't bite your head off for reaching out to her. She may not want to go out with you, but I doubt she'd be mean about it. It seems to me like you're overly invested in her and effectively putting yourself on the sidelines...if that's the way you're always going to treat dating, prepare to be single for a while.

Dating forces you to be vulnerable and you are always at risk of being let down, rejected, etc...get used to it...it's not that bad...

August 11, 2015

The rose was kinda creepy because you guys weren't on a romantic level yet. Until you've received some sort of indicator of romance, you need to treat this person as friend with maaaybe some potential. You're giving away too much too soon and people aren't used to that. Plus, it does kinda scream needy and lowers your value.

The truth is that this woman owed you nothing. Time and time again, she was showing you through her actions that she wasn't that interested, but you didn't back off and wait for her to come to you. You kept pressing it forward and it came across as having a low value.

Next time, treat everyone as a friend until they give you a reason to treat them differently.

Go download Neil Strauss - The Game and read it. If you want to play the game, you have to play the game. It's weird, irrational, illogical, etc. but you can't get frustrated every single time it doesn't go your way. You may be a "nice guy" but that doesn't mean that every single girl is going to be attracted to you. Tighten up your game a little and let your true self generate attraction instead of cramming it down their throats.

Lastly, lose the fedora and trim the neckbeard

August 11, 2015

One thing I'd suggest is to never do any corny romantic gestures like flowers on a first date. Especially w-a stranger you meet online. Since you've never spent anytime with the woman yet, it comes off like you don't have any standards IMO.

Also, the girl is probably being a realist and doesn't want to get involved with a guy that lives two hours away from her. That's understandable.

The rose was kinda creepy because you guys weren't on a romantic level yet. Until you've received some sort of indicator of romance, you need to treat this person as friend with maaaybe some potential. You're giving away too much too soon and people aren't used to that. Plus, it does kinda scream needy and lowers your value.

Great minds. I saw your post after I posted mine and we said basically the same thing..LOL

Edited August 11, 2015 by fitnessfan365

August 11, 2015

Keep things simple, light and casual for the first date....heck, the first few dates. For future opportunities, don't overdo the "romantic" gestures. Stop trying so hard to impress her and make her happy. Just take her out for a nice time without being grandiose...you'll either enjoy each other's company or you won't.

I mean c'mon...you two barely even know each other! So anything like roses or fancy dining or whatever is too strong, and will cause many women to pause and take a step back.

August 11, 2015

Here's the thing--when you meet a date in person for the first time, it resets everything. Whether you had great conversations or text exchanges beforehand becomes largely irrelevant. The actual in-person meeting will supersede all of that.

You enjoyed the date and thought it went well. That's great. But two people were on that date. How did she really feel? I can only guess from her actions:

She said she was ill and needed to nap (prevents any prolonging of the date)
Despite that, she still went to the festival...and didn't say anything to you when you ran into each other.
Non-committal about going with you to the second day of the festival
When you mentioned her departure date, stated that it had moved up...in other words, no time to see you again.

My guess is that for whatever reason, she didn't feel that you two would be good as dating partners once she met you in person. That happens all the time with first dates between two strangers.

I occasionally get flowers or other gifts on first dates. It's a sweet gesture (like a date opening the door for me), and never a turnoff. If I like the guy, it raises my opinion of him. However, if I learn enough during the date to realize we aren't compatible, it's not going to get me to continue. It's no different than putting in an effort into your appearance, showering pre-date, having manners, or being a gentleman on a date. Doing the basics won't make most people date someone who is incompatible for whatever reason.

I'm curious. How old are you?

August 11, 2015

Here's the thing--when you meet a date in person for the first time, it resets everything. Whether you had great conversations or text exchanges beforehand becomes largely irrelevant. The actual in-person meeting will supersede all of that.

Couldn't agree more and I've said this is one of main the problems w-online dating. People get so wrapped up in "getting to know" each other before they meet, that they build expectations and are ultimately let down. Any pre-date communication that you do truly does have NOTHING to do w-how meeting in person will go IMO.

That's why I've always gotten a woman from online on the phone on day one when we first exchange emails. Then if possible, I make plans to meet within 24-48 hours. That way I'm getting to know her based on who she actually is. I think a lot of guys feel like they have to text endlessly w-women before setting up the first meeting, and it only winds up hurting things in the long run IMO. Minimal communication before hand and meeting ASAP is the way to go.

August 11, 2015

So, you think you had a gomd date and now you're making her pursue you because you're too vulnerable to text her? No wonder you struggle. Regardless of whether or not she's interested, the fact that you're not reaching out to her, likely makes her feel like you're not interested...this one is going to just vanish unless you put yourself out there. If think you got along well, she won't bite your head off for reaching out to her. She may not want to go out with you, but I doubt she'd be mean about it. It seems to me like you're overly invested in her and effectively putting yourself on the sidelines...if that's the way you're always going to treat dating, prepare to be single for a while.

Dating forces you to be vulnerable and you are always at risk of being let down, rejected, etc...get used to it...it's not that bad...

I did try to reach out to her she just never responded. Don't feel like trying again so soon.

The rose was kinda creepy because you guys weren't on a romantic level yet. Until you've received some sort of indicator of romance, you need to treat this person as friend with maaaybe some potential. You're giving away too much too soon and people aren't used to that. Plus, it does kinda scream needy and lowers your value.

The truth is that this woman owed you nothing. Time and time again, she was showing you through her actions that she wasn't that interested, but you didn't back off and wait for her to come to you. You kept pressing it forward and it came across as having a low value.

Next time, treat everyone as a friend until they give you a reason to treat them differently.

Go download Neil Strauss - The Game and read it. If you want to play the game, you have to play the game. It's weird, irrational, illogical, etc. but you can't get frustrated every single time it doesn't go your way. You may be a "nice guy" but that doesn't mean that every single girl is going to be attracted to you. Tighten up your game a little and let your true self generate attraction instead of cramming it down their throats.

Lastly, lose the fedora and trim the neckbeard

I hate that book, since its become so popular its become just a sort of a bible and girls can see it a mile away. And I don't like to manipulate, what's wrong with just being a sweet guy? She certainly didn't give any indications she was no interested, she was the one who initiated our meeting, she talked about how she was excited to meet me, she also said I was cute many times and we flirted constantly. By text and phone. She seemed genuinely interested. At this point in my life if it seems like I'm overstating it I usually back off. This didn't feel that way at all.

Here's the thing--when you meet a date in person for the first time, it resets everything. Whether you had great conversations or text exchanges beforehand becomes largely irrelevant. The actual in-person meeting will supersede all of that.

You enjoyed the date and thought it went well. That's great. But two people were on that date. How did she really feel? I can only guess from her actions:

She said she was ill and needed to nap (prevents any prolonging of the date)
Despite that, she still went to the festival...and didn't say anything to you when you ran into each other.
Non-committal about going with you to the second day of the festival
When you mentioned her departure date, stated that it had moved up...in other words, no time to see you again.
My guess is that for whatever reason, she didn't feel that you two would be good as dating partners once she met you in person. That happens all the time with first dates between two strangers.

I occasionally get flowers or other gifts on first dates. It's a sweet gesture (like a date opening the door for me), and never a turnoff. If I like the guy, it raises my opinion of him. However, if I learn enough during the date to realize we aren't compatible, it's not going to get me to continue. It's no different than putting in an effort into your appearance, showering pre-date, having manners, or being a gentleman on a date. Doing the basics won't make most people date someone who is incompatible for whatever reason.

I'm curious. How old are you?

I'm 26

Well that's not quite what happens. We had fun on our lunch date but she kept coughing all over the place and felt embarrassed. I also told her I was meeting up with my friends after to get ready for the festival and she said she would try to nap. Before going. And while I saw her at the festival it was from a distance and certainly not surprised if she didn't see me. Also she took something so she might have been out of it. As was I. I didn't ask her to go with me for day two. We never hashed out the departure date and since. She didn't drive she had no control over it. So I don't know how accurate your about that. Again it didn't feel like it was a bad experience until just the last few days.

August 12, 2015

Well, she's ignoring you now, right? Or are you going to throw around excuses for that too? She changed her mind at some point during the date. It's fantastic that you thought the date was great, but she clearly didn't share that view of things. It worked for you. It didn't work for her.

It happens. Try with someone else.

August 12, 2015

...So come Friday I take her out to lunch, I grabbed a single rose just to surprise her. The lunch went well I thought and after I dropped her off at her hotel we talked about meeting at the festival, and told her to msg me since she was sick and needed to go take a nap I would probably be their before her. She never msged me but I did spot her at the festival. But I was a bit out of it from drinking so I didn't approach her. I msg her later and she did not reply to much later, she explained she did not get data reception and told me to text her instead tomorrow. I mentioned that I think I saw her but she walked past me, she felt bad and said sorry and told me to just say hi if it happens tomorrow.

Next day I msg her to say hi, and asked her if she was at the grounds again her replies seems short and didnt seem to invite me to come find her so I didn't really text back. Next day i ask her how her first music festival was, and when she was going back home. She had fun and told me she was leaving right away, to which I replied that I thought she was staying one more day as i was hoping to go get dinner. She never replied to that and that was the last time we spoke, I know shes been online and seen her phone but she hasnt replied or text me back.

I've highlighted the behavior of concern. This is the type of behavior you encounter when someone has decided she doesn't want to continue after the first date. She is politely blowing you off, with the expectation that you will get the message and drop it.

Excuse away as much as you want, but someone who had a great first date and is eager to continue would not behave this way.

August 12, 2015

I hate that book, since its become so popular its become just a sort of a bible and girls can see it a mile away. And I don't like to manipulate, what's wrong with just being a sweet guy?

Bringing a rose to a first meeting (I wouldn't even call it a first date as you never saw her before) is not sweet in my opinion - to me it seems a little creepy or needy.

Look, don't read The Game and thing that you have to act and do all that stuff they pull off. But there is some validity to it. Women like that romantic stuff in moderation and later when they know you and are attracted to you.

You don't have to manipulate, but neither do you have to act like you are in love before you even know someone.

And as I have posted in a few threads now, and was said above, there is Nothing until you meet in person. An online persona means nothing until you see the real person and interact.

If people just stopped emotionally investing into non existent online 'relationships' there would be about 60% less threads here on LS!

August 12, 2015

I agree with the others on this thread and think you came off too strong during the first date. It might have turned her off, but then again, could be something else.

You shouldn't beat yourself up over her and move on. No need to become a jerk either.

August 12, 2015

Well, she's ignoring you now, right? Or are you going to throw around excuses for that too? She changed her mind at some point during the date. It's fantastic that you thought the date was great, but she clearly didn't share that view of things. It worked for you. It didn't work for her.

It happens. Try with someone else.

What an amazing blasé attitude to have, reading this one would think acquiring a date is as simple as going to a corner shop to buy a newspaper.

August 12, 2015

If people just stopped emotionally investing into non existent online 'relationships' there would be about 60% less threads here on LS!

For me this is tantamount to actually saying OLD is fundamentally flawed which based on my own experience I would agree with.

The major problem with OLD as has happened to the OP is IF one is resorting to OLD in the first place it points to an inability to find people normally which points to a certain degree of social awkwardness.

In when looked at logically ones chances of success on OLD is extremely slim at best because the power to pick and choose rests in the hands of the ladies, added to which the same social awkwardness which brought guys to OLD usually means they are perhaps more desperate than the average OLD female who has a wide array of choice on and OLD platform.

Sign In

Am I approaching dating just wrong?

Recommended Posts

lionheart153

Toodaloo

Vintage79

smackie9

lionheart153

smackie9

Vintage79

HereNorThere

fitnessfan365

GravityMan

angel.eyes

fitnessfan365

lionheart153

angel.eyes

angel.eyes

joseb

robmeister1190

ZA Dater

ZA Dater

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...