Completely Depressed Every Night

[awais142]

This all started from a girl I knew online only, and for years as a friend. Eventually she got to tell me her feelings and I rejected her once and told her "ik how online relationships end" but after a week of seeing her sad, I realized maybe she isn't that bad of a person...I didknow her for years so I admit my feelings to her because I finally was smiling from finding love.

 

I just was the happiest person ever....literally every day I went to work from 12 am at midnight to 8 am and I always rushed home, sacrificed my ****ing sleep just to stay up online and talk with her because her time zone was different. I loved her...so much that even typing this atm I'm ****ing crying.... it's difficult. I did everything for her,I always taught her how to fix problems together, I gave her alot of attention whenever she was sad or got easily frustrated by the tiniest things I still understood her feelings. So many days passed while I sacrificed my happiness for this girl, if she was sad then my entire day would only leave me this thinking "I hope she's OK when she wakes up and talks to me"

 

I used to explain in huge paragraphs to her how much I love her .. She was so happy to see me witte all that out and it would warm my heart to see her happiness. Every month that passed while we stayed together, was like an accomplishment to prove all the haters that online relationships can work...but this is where it goes downhill....

 

I deleted alot of my friends that tried to warn me of this girl cheating on her past boyfriends, even her past ex I stood up against tried to warn me but I yelled at him. I've been so ****ing depressed day in and out trying to wonder where am I going wrong... At one point she told me I was to clingy to her and that she needed some time to her friends., I respected it and said take all the time you need i won't get angry and Instead she gets mad because she only asked to have a few minutes away from me? All this time I've been trying to understand where Ami going wrong .... Until this happend.

 

She cheated on me with a friend of mine and he felt really bad and came forth asap and admit his feelings and I forgived him because I respect his honesty. Where was she? Oh yea she was hiding from us, when me and my friend confront her she told us to fk off. After that I had tons of friends telling me to delete her because cheating is not a mistake. It's a choice and if all that I done to make her happy was forgotten....then **** that YET ! I still forgive her. ..yes I still forgive her ....because I wanted her to learn to forgive others the same way out of love.

 

She was really broken but eventually fixed hersellf and I nicely told her to just forget what happend, but somewhere down the road of betrayal, another friend of mine had fallen in love with her and AGAIN had felt bad about it and I forgive him without thinking because I called him a "brother" for a reason and appreciate his honesty. Once again she was not coming forth to admit all the sweet talk she had done to him behind my back I still let it go...

 

Next came the idea to finally work irl really hard to save near $ 2.000 USD trip to go see her

I have had anxiety, depression , heart broken etc.. I put it all aside because this was my ticket to finally be happy with her. We had planned to see each other some day, be happy... And spend all day together. But nope...I just couldn't do it, came another guy that flirts with her and I was at work, and she had the nerve to say all the lovely stuff he kept saying to her about hugs and kisses online and pick up lines wasnt flirting at all ? **** ...

 

 

After I broke up with her, I had feelings of wanting to give her another chance, because stupid me somehow wanted to still make our dreams of living our lives together come true .... I added her to clear any grudges and my heart collapsed cause of wanting her back so much but she denied and I almost took my ****ing life by eating too much medicine. I realized I had done this to myself so after.... Recovering from that incident somewhere in my heart still had the light and wanted to see how she was doing not blaming herself and she did but labled me a best friend and that put a smile on my face. Only to later feel absolutely nothing like one...after finding out all the nice **** she's been saying to my "brother" and easily willing to give hugs to other guys on her list....while I'm on a ****ing hospital bed wanting that same affection cause i thought being a best friend still meant something.....itt HURTS...

 

I am depressed to this day...I can't sleep eat or be happy I did to much :'( I can't even. Forget her ...feels like she doesn't even ****ing care at all about everything i did ...so much time, sleep and energy wasted, putting my entire soul into her ...even after having my heart played with ...I still can't let go of this depression

Edited August 11, 2015 by awais142

[Realitycol]

Bro... I know you're hurt. I've done the same in an online relationship many years ago. I feel you and I know what it's like, but let's accept REALITY.

 

You did everything in this relationship.

 

YOU PUT HER ON A PEDESTAL and you worshiped her like a goddess. Once the honeymoon phase wore off the steam she had for you was gone, and it's because you are clingy/needy/insecure/and your masculine core is completely gone. She knew she had you by the finger. You sacrificed your happiness for her? Like that's not a man. A man has a purpose in life and successful and busy pursuing his mission. And trust me, women find that attractive! My ex-gf, who was a model, we once had a discussion about this and I asked her what about a welder, someone who is a heavy dude with a beer belly and crafting weapons for fantasy movie sets. She said that it's hot how he's so focused and into what he believes is his passion.

 

You did everything... why didn't she save up to see you (don't tell me or explain) like you gave 99% into this relationship and she did 1%. Not only that she CHEATED on you, yet you kept screaming in your head you can't get anyone better and there's NOBODY possibly out there that'd love me (fearful/insecure mindset) and clung on to a cheater that lives thousands of miles away.

 

You are going to look back and realize the amount of tears and time you just wasted. You deserve better. Instead of giving into depression and wanting to lay down, MOVE and go spend the 2 hours or 3 hours crying a day to lifting weights or doing some sort of physical activity. If you cry while lifting, it's okay because let me tell you something, when you cry while lifting at least you'll see the results for shedding tears.

 

You shedding tears and feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to gain you anything great in your life. She's not going to see you cry all day and realize omg what a poor thing and come back running into your arms. You don't want her back. You're only thinking that because you invested SO MUCH into the relationship. You're afraid of letting go of something you worked so hard on. You are like a kid who built a sand castle and spent 10 hours in the sun and burnt your skin to having skin cancer and then a tidal wave washed it away and you just lay there crying for days.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Realitycol

[awais142]

Bro... I know you're hurt. I've done the same in an online relationship many years ago. I feel you and I know what it's like, but let's accept REALITY.

 

You did everything in this relationship.

 

YOU PUT HER ON A PEDESTAL and you worshiped her like a goddess. Once the honeymoon phase wore off the steam she had for you was gone, and it's because you are clingy/needy/insecure/and your masculine core is completely gone. She knew she had you by the finger. You sacrificed your happiness for her? Like that's not a man. A man has a purpose in life and successful and busy pursuing his mission. And trust me, women find that attractive! My ex-gf, who was a model, we once had a discussion about this and I asked her what about a welder, someone who is a heavy dude with a beer belly and crafting weapons for fantasy movie sets. She said that it's hot how he's so focused and into what he believes is his passion.

 

You did everything... why didn't she save up to see you (don't tell me or explain) like you gave 99% into this relationship and she did 1%. Not only that she CHEATED on you, yet you kept screaming in your head you can't get anyone better and there's NOBODY possibly out there that'd love me (fearful/insecure mindset) and clung on to a cheater that lives thousands of miles away.

 

You are going to look back and realize the amount of tears and time you just wasted. You deserve better. Instead of giving into depression and wanting to lay down, MOVE and go spend the 2 hours or 3 hours crying a day to lifting weights or doing some sort of physical activity. If you cry while lifting, it's okay because let me tell you something, when you cry while lifting at least you'll see the results for shedding tears.

 

You shedding tears and feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to gain you anything great in your life. She's not going to see you cry all day and realize omg what a poor thing and come back running into your arms. You don't want her back. You're only thinking that because you invested SO MUCH into the relationship. You're afraid of letting go of something you worked so hard on. You are like a kid who built a sand castle and spent 10 hours in the sun and burnt your skin to having skin cancer and then a tidal wave washed it away and you just lay there crying for days.

 

Ik .. And I don't know how to get her out of my head ...

[awais142]

Ive tried everything but the only thing that remains in my head is that she doesnt seem to give a ****.. and yeah its true its like i worked so hard and feels like my efforts are wasted, while shes partying with some other blind idiots that cant see her true nature.