Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Many MM claim to stay "because of the children".... but...... What keeps a MM married when there are no children involved? Can guilt really be that powerful? I don't buy that it's because they are truly happy. Thoughts? Experiences? 1
Arieswoman Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Ifalltopieces, Q. What keeps a MM married when there are no children involved? A. Cake-eating. 3
AngeliqueC Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Like we said, image and status...fear of disappointing extended family, friends...losing face with colleagues...FEAR of the unknown (the devil you know...) Oh, and they want to preserve their pretty pocketbooks and nest eggs. 5
Sassy Girl Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My sisters husband knew for 18 months she was cheating and confronted her with every red flag and she gaslit the crap out of him until he has to hire a PI to catch her in the act. I asked her why, if she wanted OM, she didn't just come clean to her husband and move out. He already suspected anyways. They had no children, limited assets and earnt the same money. Seems obvious, right? Her answer was pretty obvious: She didn't want anyone knowing she was a liar and a cheater. She wanted to save face. 4
m4p Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Many MM claim to stay "because of the children".... but...... What keeps a MM married when there are no children involved? Can guilt really be that powerful? I don't buy that it's because they are truly happy. Thoughts? Experiences? Simply because... why not? It's an obvious choice for MMs to stay even when it looks otherwise to outsiders (eg. us OWs). You might not like to believe that they are truly happy at home, but you can analyze it to death and still never truly understand the rationale behind their decision to stay. Or rather, you'll probably be disappointed to know what they really are thinking. In short, they have made their choice. They CHOOSED to stay. They CHOOSED their marriage. They CHOOSED the life they had with the wife, the in-laws, the friends, the Sundays lie-in, the television shows they watch together. Well, aside from that, the house, his gaming console, their joint bank account. It's essential a world that they created for the past years and it seems a "waste" to throw it all away for........ us. Nah........... My xMM has no kids too. He never spoke a bad word about his W and I know for a fact that he loves her dearly. I genuinely believed that I was his first affair as we were both on tenterhooks when first started, kinda amateurish in the sneaking around. I am sure he loved me a lot too. But underneath it all (no matter what he says or do), he simply loves her + their life more. Not too hard to understand for me. Sending you a big hug. 2
dubliner Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Many MM claim to stay "because of the children".... but...... What keeps a MM married when there are no children involved? Can guilt really be that powerful? I don't buy that it's because they are truly happy. Thoughts? Experiences? If they are truly unhappy? Fear Fear of change Fear of the unknown Fear of loss, financial, comfort, family, friends Fear they could be making a mistake Fear for their reputation, they'll be the villain, the home breaker The courageous ones drive their lives on their own path The cowards sit back, trapped in their fear, cake eat until someone changes it for them 12
Arieswoman Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 The cowards sit back, trapped in their fear, cake eat until someone changes it for them ^^^^^ x 1000 3
NewLeaf512 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 cowards, and they don't want t be the villain and accept responsibility, nor are they man enough to work on the marriage. lose/lose 3
lookingforclosure Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My xMM wife moved out with the kids...he's doing backflips to try and get her back...and I haven't heard from him in two weeks He's in the coward classification...but she chose to change the situation up on him. Now his world is spiraling out of control and he as well has mentioned "not wanting to look like the liar and cheater"...well guess what, you already do 2
Quiet Storm Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 (edited) A marriage is a union, and there is often a bond between the couple, even if they aren't "happy". Many couples have a dysfunctional dance going on, and that dynamic can be very strong. Even if a married couple isn't happy, it's naive to assume their unhappiness weakens the bond. This would be true of a marriage with two emotionally healthy individuals, but that's not the usual circumstances where an affair is involved. A MMs marriage includes at least one person who is a conflict avoider, cheater and liar. MMs character issues and BWs response to them + BWs own issues and MMs response to them creates a flawed and unhealthy relationship. This pattern doesn't result in happiness for BW & MM, but remember- happiness, feeling content and having a healthy relationship are things that drive the choices of an emotionally healthy person. It is a stretch to assume that a flawed, conflict avoiding cheater will morph into a well balanced man whose actions are driven by his love for OW. OW should consider- Is the affair truly a manifestation of MMs+OWs connection and feelings for each other? Or is it just another dysfunctional element of their marriage dance? An "unhappy marriage" may certainly mean that MM isn't having warm and loving feelings for his wife, but it is not a indication that the marriage is "over". Negative feelings, whether frustration, anger, guilt, etc. are often a part of their dysfunctional (but powerful) dynamic. Think about all the marriages that survive for decades- they aren't all happy. Many have their own brand of dysfunction going on- a dynamic that may create feelings of frustration, anger, stress, disappointment, guilt, etc. These feelings may prompt an emotionally healthy person to end the relationship and move on. However, it probably feels like "home" to someone immersed in it. OWs often make the mistake of assuming that happiness will be a stronger motivator for MM than these other negative feelings. OW often thinks because happiness, romantic connection are such strong motivators for her, that MMs ultimate goal is also to "be happy". While it's true that a MM seeks out happiness in the affair, the purpose is to supplement the marriage, not replace it. The truth is that most MM are still very attached to the marriage, even if it's not happy. Edited August 11, 2015 by Quiet Storm 12
movingon123 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Wow, fantastic insight, Quiet Storm. I'm dealing with my own A ending, and wish I had read something like this a year ago. Of course, I was too much in the affair fog to go online looking for this kind of insight. My ex-mm has been married for decades and so children are no longer at home and I feel this describes him well. 3
Arieswoman Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Quiet storm - a very astute post #10. A MMs marriage includes at least one person who is a conflict avoider, cheater and liar. And this ^^^ is the reason why when DD comes it is usually the BS who files for divorce having seen the WS's true colours. 4
Satu Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Narcissistic supply, or just simple cake-eating. 3
sandylee1 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 The love of having 2 (or more) women to have sex with gives many a thrill. Plus if there's really nothing wrong with their marriage aside from them cheating, why end it for just because you like your OW and loose the status of being married. 2
Arieswoman Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 rorocher - a good point Its actually not guilt. It's FEAR. I can't speak for all the WS in the world but when I asked my WS to choose me or OW he broke down and cried saying "Please don't make me choose". So is the fear ; of the unknown, or of making the wrong choice, or of something else? Interesting.
gettingstronger Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 None of that is fear or guilt- its being selfish- Having an affair involves risks so I would assume the "fear" there can be overcome- Having an affair means betraying someones trust- so guilt is overcome there too- Its only when having to chose that suddenly these people are paralyzed with fear or guilt- these MM are just selfish- Please don't get me started on "for the kids"- none of these people are as invested in their kids as they say they are-not your MM, not mu husband-none of them- if they were they would have never risked their families in the first place-they would have ended their marriages if they were bad or resisted having an affair or would have been honest- Affairs take mental and physical energy away from families-don't buy its for the kids thing-thats crap! 5
Recommended Posts