In love but it's over and I want her back

August 11, 2015

I've never come to a forum for help before. But here it goes.

Two years ago In Texas met a girl who we quickly fell in love with each other and got married a month after. During that time I realized she was addicted to hard drugs, and had trust issues which provoked a lot of anger in me. I know something's wrong with me because I'd be verbally abusive to her, which helped in the bedroom but not out. We finally broke up two years later, arguing constantly towards the end. I broke the nc rule, and chased her for a month speaking everyday with her until she agreed to meet me. We soon after started dating again and having sex now because of my bad temper and controlling behavior her friends and family hate me so it was in secret. But this time I could tell she looked for any reason she could to stir me up and prove I didn't change. I Was perfect for a month before eventually from her poking and starting fights I snapped back and yelled at her which caused another break. Now she claims to be in love with me and won't do anything with anyone else for a while but sees no future in me and is afraid of me. There is huge mixed signals because first she says if I change she will be with me and then on the other hand it seems she won't no matter what. She will respond to me anytime I contact her but slowly that's turned into pity, and now annoyance and I know I'm not far off from losing her respect and contact completely. Now my question is, how can I regain that spark and love back? I am a little in denial about this and it's hard to believe, it seems she does love me but not that much anymore. Do you think after no contact she will ant to see me again and miss me? What's going through her mind right now? What will she think if I stop talking to her? Do we have a chance again? I've decided to work on myself a lot and get rid of those bad habits too.

August 11, 2015

I've never come to a forum for help before. Well welcome! But here it goes.

Two years ago In Texas met a girl who we quickly fell in love with each other and got married a month after Red flag #1, rushed relationship with honeymoon phase everything being great, doesn't sound like you two had much relationship experience. During that time I realized she was addicted to hard drugs red flag #2, and had trust issues red flag #3 which provoked a lot of anger in me men who understands women don't argue or get angry and know how to communicate . I know something's wrong with me because I'd be verbally abusive to her red flag #4, which helped in the bedroom but not out. We finally broke up two years later, arguing constantly towards the end honeymoon phase ended and here comes the reality where you two knit-pick each others' weaknesses. I broke the nc rule, and chased her for a month speaking everyday with her until she agreed to meet me. We soon after started dating again red flag #5 so she got back with you either because she's fearful of waiting for someone else better or tired of being lonely or etc. and having sex now because of my bad temper and controlling behavior her friends and family hate me so it was in secret. But this time I could tell she looked for any reason she could to stir me up and prove I didn't change and of course you didn't 1 month... c'mon be realistic you were just ALL talk to get her back. I Was perfect for a month before eventually from her poking and starting fights I snapped back and yelled at her which caused another break saw that coming. Now she claims to be in love with me and won't do anything with anyone else for a while but sees no future in me and is afraid of me. There is huge mixed signals because first she says if I change she will be with me and then on the other hand it seems she won't no matter what. She will respond to me anytime I contact her but slowly that's turned into pity, and now annoyance and I know I'm not far off from losing her respect and contact completely yup keep chasing and she'll lose all interest/respect for you and won't see your masculine core. Now my question is, how can I regain that spark and love back? I think you know... stop being weak and getting emotional. Stop blowing up on her face and learn to communicate with women correctly. Actually change, do the walk not just the talk I am a little in denial about this and it's hard to believe, it seems she does love me but not that much anymore. Do you think after no contact she will ant to see me again and miss me? What's going through her mind right now? how would we know What will she think if I stop talking to her? depends on how much you chased her, if you chased her like a creepy stalker/freak she'd be GLAD you're goneDo we have a chance again? That depends if you both change for the better. I've decided to work on myself a lot and get rid of those bad habits too.

I wrote my opinion in underlines.

Okay so best scenario she comes back, and you two are back together, okay?

ASK YOURSELF, honestly, will you two break up again? If the answer is yes, because you're fearful/insecure/emotional/weak then work on yourself. Not 10%, not 50%, not good for 2 months and WHAM it all comes back, I mean cured completely.

Why do you want to get back together if you're going to eventually crack again and break up again and ask questions humans cannot possibly answer.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Realitycol

August 11, 2015

I stopped at the drugs and verbal abuse. Yikes.

August 11, 2015

I stopped at the drugs and verbal abuse. Yikes.

I was about to too, but hey he needs help. You don't want that kind of women OP, you don't want baggage like that, because YOU DESERVE BETTER, say it out loud to yourself PLEASE.

There's 7 billion people. There are girls that are perfectly healthy physically/mentally and not crying or cutting themselves emotionally over their ex and not with crazy parents. There are tons of girls with no extra baggage out there.

Why you settling for her? You know it's 2015 and relationships are harder than ever. So why do you want someone with all that junk dragging behind her for you to clean up and sniff every day and deal with EVERY DAY?

You don't think you deserve better? You do.

August 11, 2015

She may love you but has come to realize that you're a toxic person and simply not good for her. Not many people would tolerate anyone in their lives, especially someone that "loves" them, that are verbally abusive, have an enormous temper and yells frequently.

That relationship you described was dysfunctional, toxic and unhealthy. Nothing is going to change to make it work for any length of time.

Honestly, the best thing you could do is move on and get some help to address your self described issues. Many women would tell you to f-off the first time you even THOUGHT to get angry or raise your voice.

August 11, 2015

I was about to too, but hey he needs help. You don't want that kind of women OP, you don't want baggage like that, because YOU DESERVE BETTER, say it out loud to yourself PLEASE.

There's 7 billion people. There are girls that are perfectly healthy physically/mentally and not crying or cutting themselves emotionally over their ex and not with crazy parents. There are tons of girls with no extra baggage out there.

Why you settling for her? You know it's 2015 and relationships are harder than ever. So why do you want someone with all that junk dragging behind her for you to clean up and sniff every day and deal with EVERY DAY?

You don't think you deserve better? You do.

Thanks you are right 100% of your underlined answers. But she was actually very sweet and nice and let me have my freedom. But the problem was she wanted a lot of freedom for herself all the time and lied to me a lot which her reasoning was because she would sometimes have to lie to me because she was afraid of my reaction. Example talking to guys I didn't want her too, going to bars I didn't want her at, going to house parties with other guys and not always inviting me. But I think if I was a cooler guy she wouldn't have even done that stuff but who knows. There's always going to be bad stuff in s relationship so why can't we just pick one bad one and stick to it ? I love her even with all her faults

August 11, 2015

She may love you but has come to realize that you're a toxic person and simply not good for her. Not many people would tolerate anyone in their lives, especially someone that "loves" them, that are verbally abusive, have an enormous temper and yells frequently.

That relationship you described was dysfunctional, toxic and unhealthy. Nothing is going to change to make it work for any length of time.

Honestly, the best thing you could do is move on and get some help to address your self described issues. Many women would tell you to f-off the first time you even THOUGHT to get angry or raise your voice.

Listen to what the above person said. I learned it the hard way myself. Get that under control. It's one of the things girls filter out when seeking a partner for LTR.

Imagine this scenario:

Your gf comes home 4 AM and she didn't pick up your calls for the last 8 hours, what will you do?

Are you one of those men that'll blow up on them waiting by the door and call her a cheater or worse words out there for that and let all your fears and emotions do all the talking, why didn't you pick up my calls or texts for the LAST 8 hours and 14 minutes being all neurotic

OR

One of those men who is cool and collected and communicates to find out she was in the ER because her mother had a stroke while they were out for dinner.

You can just imagine what would happen if you were the type of men I described first... hah.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Realitycol

August 11, 2015

Listen to what the above person said. I learned it the hard way myself. Get that under control. It's one of the things girls filter out when seeking a partner for LTR.

Imagine this scenario:

Your gf comes home 4 AM and she didn't pick up your calls for the last 8 hours, what will you do?

Are you one of those men that'll blow up on them waiting by the door and call her a cheater or worse words out there for that and let all your fears and emotions do all the talking, why didn't you pick up my calls or texts for the LAST 8 hours and 14 minutes being all neurotic

OR

One of those men who is cool and collected and communicates to find out she was in the ER because her mother had a stroke while they were out for dinner.

You can just imagine what would happen if you were the type of men I described first... hah.

Lol. Well right now I'm the guy who will leave a bunch of texts and voicemails calling her a slut and bitch for not answering and cheating accusations but I want to be the calm collected guy who doesn't even care I guess

August 11, 2015

Thanks you are right 100% of your underlined answers. But she was actually very sweet and nice and let me have my freedom. But the problem was she wanted a lot of freedom for herself all the time and lied to me a lot which her reasoning was because she would sometimes have to lie to me because she was afraid of my reaction. Example talking to guys I didn't want her too, going to bars I didn't want her at, going to house parties with other guys and not always inviting me. But I think if I was a cooler guy she wouldn't have even done that stuff but who knows. There's always going to be bad stuff in s relationship so why can't we just pick one bad one and stick to it ? I love her even with all her faults

She lied because you are too controlling. You are insecure. You are fearful that you can't do better AND that she's too good for you and you'd lose her. I AM NOT calling you out because you're this and that, I'm telling you because I did the EXACT SAME with one of my exs. I tried to lock her up, she was a 10/10 to all my social circle. She had guys hitting her all the time, I acted insecure and fearful. She never ever cheated or laid her hands on another guy while we were together yet I acted like a wuss and tried to control her. Guess what? I even told her not to talk to her best friend, who was like her brother to her. She agreed then later I found out she was, so she lied. Lied not to hurt me, but because it was so ridiculous in the first place. She didn't want to hurt me, but she didn't like me being a person that couldn't trust her words and actions. So she lied. Did I get mad at the time? Oh you bet. When I look back at it now I literally facepalm and just get an eraser and redelete that memory.

Dude, if she's out hanging with guy friends, LET HER. You trying to control her and lock her up will psychological want her to crave just what you are preventing her to do! There's millions of examples of this, Adam and Eve?

Your job as a man is to be a man. So what if she's out with her guy friends? At the end of the day, who does she come home to? At the end of the day, who does she snuggle next to at night?

So what if she cheats and hits it off with one her other guy friends? Just tells you she's not meant for you, should be a 'thank you' and a swift goodbye on your end.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Realitycol

August 11, 2015

She lied because you are too controlling. You are insecure. You are fearful that you can't do better AND that she's too good for you and you'd lose her.

Dude, if she's out hanging with guy friends, LET HER. You trying to control her and lock her up will psychological want her to crave just what you are preventing her to do! There's millions of examples of this, Adam and Eve?

Your job as a man is to be a man. So what if she's out with her guy friends? At the end of the day, who does she come home to? At the end of the day, who does she snuggle next to at night?

So what if she cheats and hits it off with one her other guy friends? Just tells you she's not meant for you, should be a 'thank you' and a swift goodbye on your end.

Because there is always a reason of why a girl isn't happy! If I don't do that then I'm a nice guy push over and she will step all over me because I have no authority and justify it in her mind that I'm not a real man and in turn won't sexually satisfy her and she will leave because of that. I haven't found the right balance because woman are so complicated you are either too nice too much of an ******* too sane too crazy too distant too clingy, care too much, don't cared enough. I'll cheat on him because he controls me and calls me a cheater I'll cheat on him because he never cares when I'm out with my guy friends I'll show him. There's always a god damn reason isn't it

August 11, 2015

Because there is always a reason of why a girl isn't happy! If I don't do that then I'm a nice guy push over and she will step all over me because I have no authority and justify it in her mind that I'm not a real man and in turn won't sexually satisfy her and she will leave because of that. I haven't found the right balance because woman are so complicated you are either too nice too much of an ******* too sane too crazy too distant too clingy, care too much, don't cared enough. I'll cheat on him because he controls me and calls me a cheater I'll cheat on him because he never cares when I'm out with my guy friends I'll show him. There's always a god damn reason isn't it

Like I said, if she cheats, sure.. it'll hurt, but man that'll get me packing my bags so fast I'm out of there before I finish the senten....

Reread what I wrote earlier, I added some personal experience.

There's being too nice-guy and being controlling and neurotic. Then there is a man who is assertive. A man who doesn't live in fear. A man who knows he's a catch. A man who doesn't look at a 10/10 and say oh she's a goddess I'm not worthy, she's too good for me, she'll leave for another guy. A man who isn't afraid to let the women choose him or not.

It takes 2 to mingle. If she's not into you and sleeps around with 100s of guys then who cares? Takes 2 in a relationship. If she's not sleeping with 100s of guys, and only you then trust her. You have to trust her unless there's a history of her being a compulsive liar or cheater.

Edited August 11, 2015 by Realitycol

August 11, 2015

She lied because you are too controlling. You are insecure. You are fearful that you can't do better AND that she's too good for you and you'd lose her. I AM NOT calling you out because you're this and that, I'm telling you because I did the EXACT SAME with one of my exs. I tried to lock her up, she was a 10/10 to all my social circle. She had guys hitting her all the time, I acted insecure and fearful. She never ever cheated or laid her hands on another guy while we were together yet I acted like a wuss and tried to control her. Guess what? I even told her not to talk to her best friend, who was like her brother to her. She agreed then later I found out she was, so she lied. Lied not to hurt me, but because it was so ridiculous in the first place. She didn't want to hurt me, but she didn't like me being a person that couldn't trust her words and actions. So she lied. Did I get mad at the time? Oh you bet. When I look back at it now I literally facepalm and just get an eraser and redelete that memory.

Dude, if she's out hanging with guy friends, LET HER. You trying to control her and lock her up will psychological want her to crave just what you are preventing her to do! There's millions of examples of this, Adam and Eve?

Your job as a man is to be a man. So what if she's out with her guy friends? At the end of the day, who does she come home to? At the end of the day, who does she snuggle next to at night?

So what if she cheats and hits it off with one her other guy friends? Just tells you she's not meant for you, should be a 'thank you' and a swift goodbye on your end.

I see what you are saying. Have you noticed that when you act like that with women it creates a deeper connection? This might be a ****ed up thing to say, but what if she loved you and respected you enough to not lay her hands on another guy because of you being controlling. Her wanting to please you so much gave you a faithful girl and also lost it for you too. The reason I say this is because my ex was what you described in our relationship, yet her long term boyfriend before me was a super nice guy, and she was with him longer than with me and said she never loved him. Stayed with him because he was a good guy, and she cheated on him twice.

August 11, 2015

I'm trying to figure out if she really pokes and prods at you, or if that's just how she is and that's how you take it, like you make it up in your head, and it's just you getting angry.

Let's say she does push your buttons on purpose. In that case, do both of you a favor, and put her in the rearview mirror. All it can do eventually is escalate, and maybe even land you in jail for what you do.

On the other hand, if that's just the way she is, and you take it the wrong way, rising to hostility and anger, then in that case, do both of you a favor, and put her in the rearview mirror. All it can do eventually is escalate, and maybe even land you in jail for what you do.

August 11, 2015

I'm trying to figure out if she really pokes and prods at you, or if that's just how she is and that's how you take it, like you make it up in your head, and it's just you getting angry.

Let's say she does push your buttons on purpose. In that case, do both of you a favor, and put her in the rearview mirror. All it can do eventually is escalate, and maybe even land you in jail for what you do.

On the other hand, if that's just the way she is, and you take it the wrong way, rising to hostility and anger, then in that case, do both of you a favor, and put her in the rearview mirror. All it can do eventually is escalate, and maybe even land you in jail for what you do.

Let me explain. In the relationship she would always try to make it work. Very respectful, and forgiving. When we started sleeping with each other again she would be very rude to me such as one night for example, we had sex, watched a movie, had sex again, then she said pick your trash up yelling and I said calm down and she said shut the **** up and threatened to leave and I said okay if that's what you want very calmly then she changed her mind and came in my arms and we had sex again. These little tests went on for a month until one day she told me she's having second doubts and I smiled and listened she said you think this is funny? Go **** yourself where I snapped and said don't ****ing talk to me like that in which she stormed off lol but she wasn't like that in the relationship, only after the breakup when we gave it another shot she purposely would mess things up.

August 11, 2015

So you let her walk all over you and disrespect you? You have to be the man of the relationship. Not be the nice-guy, not be the ashhole, but be assertive in what you want and what your limits/boundaries are. You communicate this without being mad or angry. Hon, I love you, but I'm not going to let you treat me this way, fill in the blank etc etc etc.

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In love but it's over and I want her back

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