mamahoot Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I have been dating a guy for over a year now and I can't seem to cope with the fact that he had a life before me that involves an ex wife and two kids. I absolutely adore his little girls and we have a great relationship, as well as a great family dynamic at our home. However, I'm 23 and am new to dating someone that has been married before. In my past relationships, there was a ton of infedilty and I was taught that keeping in touch with exes is terrible and leads to infedilty, so coming into a relationship where my new guy has to keep in contact with his ex wife for co-parenting purposes causes me great anxiety. Not to mention that the ex wife is constantly making passive agressive remarks toward me to remind me (as if I need a reminder) that they are their kids and that she knows my boyfriend extremely well and basically anything else she can throw in my face to try and piss me off. I have issues with trusting people because of my past and I also have trouble with insecurity, so it's the perfect storm and causes a lot of issues between me and my boyfriend. He is the most faithful and loyal man I've ever been with and he is definitely who I want to spend my life with, which is what he wants too, but if I don't find a way to cope with the fact that he had a life before me and that now he has to communicate with his ex for the children's sake, I'm going to ruin the great thing that we have going. Anyone have any advice on how to cope and get past my insecurity in this situation?
SugarLips72 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I am divorced with kids. My ex and I are divorced for a reason and I wish to have nothing to do with him romantically. Understand that the relationship with his ex is over. He has moved on and so will she. You are 23, young, enjoy your relationship and if more children and marriage are in your future with this man then go for it.
Author mamahoot Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Thank you for giving me a new perspective. I know more children and marriage are in our future. I try to enjoy the relationship. I just find it hard to get past her little jabs and some of the manipulation that occurs. I can't tell if it's because she is jealous I'm with him or if it's because she wants to "stand her ground" when it comes to the kids. I would NEVER try to overstep my boundaries with them and I've tried to make it clear. Or mayyybe Im just young, inexperienced and insecure, haha. I just feel like I'm going crazy over here!
oberkeat Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 As a single guy, I want nothing to do with a woman who's divorced, with kids from a previous relationship, with an ex lurking in the background. I'd call that major baggage. Good luck to you, nonetheless.
SugarLips72 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Kids are baggage yes but not major. I come as a package deal and am a better catch than many other women. I have a good job, a nice house, a very civil relationship with the ex. No alcohol or drug abuse. My sister on the other hand, is also 43 (we are twins), she has never been married and has actually never had a serious relationship. No kids, Introvert, lazy,slob, has no idea how to actually date or have or keep a relationship. However she is good looking (like me and I'm not afraid to admit it) She is almost undateable and most guys if they had to choose always say I'm the more social, friendly, put together twin. just saying. As a single guy, I want nothing to do with a woman who's divorced, with kids from a previous relationship, with an ex lurking in the background. I'd call that major baggage. Good luck to you, nonetheless. 1
SugarLips72 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Who cares what she thinks. Limit your conversations with her. Do what you want to keep the kids and your man happy. I would not put one second into wondering what she thinks of you. continue being polite and being the bigger person. Thank you for giving me a new perspective. I know more children and marriage are in our future. I try to enjoy the relationship. I just find it hard to get past her little jabs and some of the manipulation that occurs. I can't tell if it's because she is jealous I'm with him or if it's because she wants to "stand her ground" when it comes to the kids. I would NEVER try to overstep my boundaries with them and I've tried to make it clear. Or mayyybe Im just young, inexperienced and insecure, haha. I just feel like I'm going crazy over here!
casey.lives Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 People who say they have history and know someone very well but fail to sustain a relationship with said person, are not in tune with reality. People change around other people. Other people bring out other sides of person. History is not as powerful as being able to share the present and more so the future with a person. The children are hers! ..but he's not.
Author mamahoot Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Who cares what she thinks. Limit your conversations with her. Do what you want to keep the kids and your man happy. I would not put one second into wondering what she thinks of you. continue being polite and being the bigger person. Thank you!! I will continue being the bigger person
Author mamahoot Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 People who say they have history and know someone very well but fail to sustain a relationship with said person, are not in tune with reality. People change around other people. Other people bring out other sides of person. History is not as powerful as being able to share the present and more so the future with a person. The children are hers! ..but he's not. The last part of what you said really got to me. I have always seen history as being more powerful than present for some reason. I felt that because they had a life together before me that she had the upper hand, but you're exactly right. He's mine and even though the kids aren't mine, they're still a part of my life. I need to quit letting the history between them come between me and my future with him. Thanks for your perspective on it!!!
MissBee Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Thank you for giving me a new perspective. I know more children and marriage are in our future. I try to enjoy the relationship. I just find it hard to get past her little jabs and some of the manipulation that occurs. I can't tell if it's because she is jealous I'm with him or if it's because she wants to "stand her ground" when it comes to the kids. I would NEVER try to overstep my boundaries with them and I've tried to make it clear. Or mayyybe Im just young, inexperienced and insecure, haha. I just feel like I'm going crazy over here! How old is your bf? You are pretty young for this situation, in the sense that most 23 year olds are dating others around their age who tend to not have had a marriage and kids before or a long relationship history. I think the older you get the more it becomes the norm that your SO might have married or had other significant relationships before, and so might you, and I think that helps with you being able to see it as just a part of life and nothing to be insecure about. When you're younger you've often not experienced that, you're still learning to be a "real adult" and so it's all new and tends to lead to more insecurities. I can understand how a marriage and two kids is a big deal of your SO's life and esp at 23 I think that's a lot to take in and I can see why it might lead to jealousy or insecurity that your SO had loved, married and had kids with someone else before you....Is your bf's ex wife older than you? That might also lead to some insecurities. In any case, her being rude to you is not necessary. Have you mentioned this to your bf? As long as you don't overstep any boundaries in terms of the children and realize she's their mom then you're behaving in a totally appropriate manner and she's the one who isn't. What I have learned is that, infidelity is a choice your partner makes. You cannot stop a person from choosing to betray you. You cannot worry yourself sick over it, keep tabs on it, be jealous of their kid's mom...I mean none of that will affect their CHOICE. Your bf does not seem to have an inappropriate relationship with his ex and doesn't seem to be doing anything suspicious so you just have to talk sense into yourself when your fears from the past come up. In some ways you have to just detach and say...He loves me, he is with me because he wants to be. They are no longer together and it is his choice to be faithful. Cheating is horrible and no one wants that to happen to them but unless the person is giving you legitimate reasons to be suspicious it makes no sense to constantly fear them cheating.
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