Breaking up after being cheated on

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Hi

 

I met my ex back in July 2013 via a dating website aimed at those looking for marriage rather than just casual dating

 

At that time in my life I was a wreck financially after starting a new business and being tens of thousands in debt and having no regular income looking back it may have not been the best time to look for someone

 

I finally met this girl and she was quite keen from the get go...We initiated contact via Whatsapp and she used to message quite often....I tried calling a few times but never got an answer, which I found quite strange and she explained this was due to her shyness but I still had an issue with it as you cant really get to know someone via Whatsapp the same as speaking over the phone

 

One warning sign I should have taken in at the beggining was that she used to crave an immediate reply via text and would text goodnight If I didnt reply within minutes so I should have recognised this as a big alarm signal!

 

Several months passed via phone contact until I finally decided that this girl deserved me to meet with her in person as she had been quite persistant and supported me through a tough time...So I borrowed the money for the date from family and made my way down!

 

On our first meeting things went well and I could tell she was keen but made no real move to initiate anything further...At the end of our date we went to the park and kissed for the first time....Things felt magical after being single for so long and holding hands on the way home felt like bliss at the time

 

Literally the day after we met my financial situation changed for the better on a scale that I could never have dreamed about at the time

 

We then agreed to start dating and meeting each other every few weeks with regular phone contact daily in between and over the next 9 months I went from a man in severe debt to a man who could now start being more financially secure in terms of marriage.

 

We agreed to go on holiday in the summer as she was going away with her work as a teacher during the 6 weeks holidays to go a 2 week course and we agreed to spend the remaining 4 weeks together after with me coming out to meet her

 

We had our ups and downs during the holiday with the biggest down being her attitude during me getting sick on holiday and blaming it on me for ruining the holiday.....I dont know why I accepted this at the time and was thinking to call things off when we got back....We did make up and had a good time for the remaining few weeks with the pinnacle being the last night!

 

Fast forward a month or so and we talked about moving things forward in terms of marriage and she was very keen to get married but didnt want to relocate to where I live and I could not afford to buy a place where she lived (one of most expensive boroughs in London!)

 

Things were going well and we were seeing each other regularly over the next few months and I had intended to get married by this summer, the only thing holding me back was getting my money ready for a deposit

 

I finally got this together during June and we had talked about a holiday in the 6 weeks at which time I planned to propose.

 

Sometime during this period and the end of the school term she changed and things became more and more distant until one day I messaged and she said she wasnt sure about us and the future and that she felt lonely and alone

 

I was naturally upset but realised what she was saying and arranged to meet up to discuss us splitting up and having time apart if that was what she wanted....When we met up she was shocked when I suggested this and said she was sorry for saying those things as she just felt lonely

 

Over the next few days and week I spent a lot of effort making sure I was there and she felt loved from me.

 

I then felt something was up as I rang her 3 days in a row and she didnt answer my call or ring me back...I confronted her about this after the third call and she apologised

 

I then asked to meet up again and she ignored it the first time, the second time she said she didnt want to be intimate anymore and the third time she said she didnt want to go on holiday

 

At this point I was confused and called her out on it on the next day at which point she was upset and told me she loved me and messaged me in the morning telling me she loved me and wanted to get married.

 

Over this week I felt a real change in her as she became real distant even though we were meeting up in a few days and I felt that it was sure she was seeing someone else

 

Anyway fast forward to this weekend just gone and I made a real effort to plan a lovely weekend for her, focusing on things she liked and ensuring her that I treated her like a princess, we had planned to book a holiday at which time I had planned to propose and she kinda knew I was going to

 

I had suspected over the last 2 weeks that she had been messaging someone else on WhatApp and that i was second best to someone else....I had previously told her that if she was seeing someone else then I would prefer to know and for her to be honest...She had been adamant that there was no one else and I took her word for it

 

We stayed the night together and in the morning I couldnt resist the urge to check her phone....At this point I felt a shock as the last message was to a guy I didnt know about as was sent 30 minutes before she arrived to see me telling him she missed him xxx

 

I was naturally devastated but didnt have time to read much more messages so acted normal...I sat her down and asked if there was anyone else to which she said no, she then thought for a few minutes and rolled under the pillows crying...I left her as I knew she knew I knew

 

We went to the car and I pretended like nothing happened as I wanted to get her phone and look again properly...I asked to borrow it to make a call and she gave it me, I spent a minute or two looking for their messages and it was much more than I expected with things like sweet dreams xxx good morning xxx you looked handsome last night xxx you made me feel really special xxx is this real xxx...She then jumped out of the car all nervous as I think she knew...Looking at the time stamps all of these messages were sent at the same times she was talking to me so it confirmed she was talking with someone else at same time

 

As I got back in the car I confronted her about this man and at first he was a work colleague and she got angry asking to be dropped back off at the train station to which I agreed

 

When we arrived she wouldnt get out of the car and was begging to be given a chance

 

I dropped her off and then she messaged half an hour later asking to talk

 

When we met she intially said he was a colleague and they were just friends, I then asked her about the meetups and these were all times that she said she was with other friends that I knew so she lied about this to me and was with him all those times.

 

She also said nothing happened but the texts showed otherwise...I managed to get the guys number as she had lied to him also about me and told him she was away elsewhere this weekend and not with me

 

I told her it was over and she was begging me to give her a month to fix this but I told her that all trust was gone and she couldnt expect me to trust her after this episode...She finally admitted it was romantic intentions with this guy but that nothing had happened, it was just meetups

 

I dropped her off and then proceeded to speak to the other guy who was shocked that she was in a relationship due to get married and that she had not told him about me....He also confirmed their meetups and that they had kissed on several occasions

 

Now this 2 days old and I am feeling like my world has ended...I know I wont get back with her but It doesnt make it any easier to get over her, she said she will call Tuesday to explain but I dont want to speak to her even though I have a million things I want to say

 

During our two years together I have never been a needy or jealous type as I always felt secure that she was with me and wouldnt ever cheat!

 

Any advice people....Im really sorry for the essay but It has helped to write this out! How does someone get over a betrayal like this? :(

[Gus Grimly]

You poor guy, I'm so sorry to hear this story.

 

You have to end it with her for good. Marriage is out of the question. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You'd be building a life based on lies, guilt, shame and mistrust.

 

The best prognosticator of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Right? So what do you predict? You think it could happen again? Do you deserve better? She broke a commitment to you. She's very immature and makes bad and inappropriate decisions. She's selfish and self-destructive. You have to ask yourself if this is someone you want to get married to.

 

If you choose to stay with her you are also choosing this behavior. Rebuilding trust is integral to saving the relationship. If she does this again will you be able to stand by her?

[mightycpa]

In my experience, three things are true that apply to your situation:

 

1) As Gus rightly points out, the best prognosticator of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

 

2) That said, past performance is not an indicator of future results.

 

3) Whichever way it might go for you, never, ever, ever take someone back who is desperate for you. They never mean it.

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

You poor guy, I'm so sorry to hear this story.

 

You have to end it with her for good. Marriage is out of the question. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You'd be building a life based on lies, guilt, shame and mistrust.

 

The best prognosticator of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Right? So what do you predict? You think it could happen again? Do you deserve better? She broke a commitment to you. She's very immature and makes bad and inappropriate decisions. She's selfish and self-destructive. You have to ask yourself if this is someone you want to get married to.

 

If you choose to stay with her you are also choosing this behavior. Rebuilding trust is integral to saving the relationship. If she does this again will you be able to stand by her?

 

Thank you for reading my story and taking the time out to reply

 

Yes I agree I can never get back with this girl as the trust is no longer existent, I feel for sure that if we got back together this would happen again especially since the person she cheated with works at the same school.

 

I deserve better than this, I may not be perfect but Im a hella decent guy who has loads to offer someone who deserves with my love and affection

 

I agree that she was very selfish and very immature, I hope shes happy with her decision. Its time to hand the baton over to this new guy and let him deal with her

 

She is due to call me later today and said she had wrote everything down. Part of me wants to hear why but then another part is telling me why listen to her lies again

 

I guess the only blessing is that it happened before we got married

 

Just wish this didnt hurt soooooooo much right now

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

In my experience, three things are true that apply to your situation:

 

1) As Gus rightly points out, the best prognosticator of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

 

2) That said, past performance is not an indicator of future results.

 

3) Whichever way it might go for you, never, ever, ever take someone back who is desperate for you. They never mean it.

 

 

Thanks for your reply and yes I agree with all 3 things, especially the 3rd. She only wants me back as she got caught and feels guilty....This time last week she was gallivanting with him around Oxford and kissing him, telling him he was really handsome and how she felt amazing when with him while I was blissfully unaware and calling her with no answer.

 

She made her bed and can now lie in it

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Thanks for the support guys, made contact with my closest friend of 15 years today after being apart for 18 months or so

 

Broke down and told him about what had happened and he told me that this was the best thing that could have happened and thank god it happened before marriage/kids

 

Im feeling a bit better about it, she used the neglected issue as a cover up to try and put the blame of her cheating on me.

 

She CHOSE to cheat, no one else but her so she has to accept that decision and live with it...Nothing was my fault as I always did the best by her

[qubist]

You just dodged a bullet , like your friend said you have absolutely nothing to loose here no DIvorce to struggle with no kids to fight for or assets to split, just a bad experiance. She wanted to keep you around while exploring other "options" that s why she was hesitating , it could be something in you that made her explore these option but cheating is not an excuse since you were honest with her and showed willingness to work things out. She chose the cheating

Move on man and to help you do that let me give 2 helpful tips

1 NC is necessary you have to cut all contact with her permanently

2 the best way to forget a woman is another woman, I'm not saying that you should date someone tonight but just put yourself on the mood to look for someone

[rester]

Sorry for what you are going through, but she sounded like a nightmare even before she cheated. Your friend most likely knows best. Listen to him.

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

You just dodged a bullet , like your friend said you have absolutely nothing to loose here no DIvorce to struggle with no kids to fight for or assets to split, just a bad experiance. She wanted to keep you around while exploring other "options" that s why she was hesitating , it could be something in you that made her explore these option but cheating is not an excuse since you were honest with her and showed willingness to work things out. She chose the cheating

Move on man and to help you do that let me give 2 helpful tips

1 NC is necessary you have to cut all contact with her permanently

2 the best way to forget a woman is another woman, I'm not saying that you should date someone tonight but just put yourself on the mood to look for someone

 

Thanks man, for sure dodged a bullet with this one and thanks for the advice! It sure seems like she did want to keep her options open and good luck to her!!

 

Im defo getting back onto the dating train as soon as Im ready

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Sorry for what you are going through, but she sounded like a nightmare even before she cheated. Your friend most likely knows best. Listen to him.

 

Thanks man, the more and more I think about she was boring as hell, we used to go out and she would just sit there and make funny faces rather than talk about anything....I guess these are the things you overlook when in love

[Gus Grimly]

Broke down and told him about what had happened and he told me that this was the best thing that could have happened and thank god it happened before marriage/kids

 

It's really great to hear you have a close friend you can confide in.

 

My best friend said the EXACT same thing to me after my Breakup. I keep thinking about it, how lucky I am to have gotten out. Can you imagine if we got married and had kids with these cheaters? It would have been a nightmare. It's good to just cut your losses and run.

 

Whew. Oh well, onward and upward!

Edited August 11, 2015 by Gus Grimly
spelling edit

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

So she rang and I didnt answer...She left a voicemail which I listened to to see if she was going to be honest and hold her hands up

 

She said her issues were:

 

Long distance...We used to see each other not often enough which I agree with

 

Communication....She said she felt distant yet we used to speak via Whatsapp every day and she never answered my calls cos she said she didnt ever feel confident enough to speak on the phone

 

Self esteem...She said I had lots and she had very little..All the time in our relationship I reassured her about this and tried my best to help!

 

Intelligence...She said she felt stupid around me cos I know more than her....Again I told her numerous times that I am going to marry you so we have a lifetime for me to teach her about stuff

 

Then she told me that the guy in question was a friend and that she only kissed him on the cheek....The reality was that he told me that they had been intimate when I spoke to him and they were dating in his eyes...So she was still lying, seems like shes lying to herself to make her feel better about whats happened

 

The killer for me is that 2 weeks ago we met up and everything was fine yet she ramped up contact with him after that period and escalated things with the day trip to Oxford and holiday to Berlin...So she was clear what she was doing and doesnt have the guts to admit it and is STILL lying :laugh:

 

She told me last Monday she loved me and wanted to get married and same evening was messaging this other guy to go Oxford the next day where they did things I dont want to think of and the next day she invited him to Berlin to sleep with him in another country, all the while knowing she was seeing me for the weekend!

 

Im so so glad this happened now and not after getting married, Im feeling such a sense of relief :):) Sometimes I guess you dont really know a person fully even though you think you did

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

It's really great to hear you have a close friend you can confide in.

 

My best friend said the EXACT same thing to me after my Breakup. I keep thinking about it, how lucky I am to have gotten out. Can you imagine if we got married and had kids with these cheaters? It would have been a nightmare. It's good to just cut your losses and run.

 

Whew. Oh well, onward and upward!

 

Haha totally man...Ive had a few friends/family members who have been married with kids and split up and its a nightmare!!

 

My friend has been around in my life for 15 years but not so close in the last 3, felt such a sense of relief when he Whatsapped and rang him straight away, Im realising that I need these people around me right now and for the rest of my life as these are the ones that really care!!

 

Thanks so much for replying, its nice to know ppl out there in the world have gone through similar and come out of it the other end as better people!

Edited August 11, 2015 by GettingOverItDay2Day

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Thought about this a little less today, I dont expect to forget 2 years in 2 days but learning to accept that what happened was for the best....Looking back on things I dont think a marriage would have worked, we were two totally different people and we would have seperated at some point so better now

[qubist]

I would suggest your read a pinned thread about the rules of NC. in your case, since I sense you still have soft spot in your heart for her ( correct me if I was wrong), i suggest an absolute NC.

she is a mess no doubt, if you asm my opinion if the Relationship could be fixed, i would say probably but it would require a lot of energy and sacrifices from both of you and I'm not sure she is ready for it. that's why I think it is not worth the effort, if you married and have kids mayyyyy be. if I were you or if you were a close friend o a brother I would urge you to just end it now and move on.

in order to move on you need a NC, it would give you break from her while you get it aall this out of you. before you go NC make sure she knows it too you can talk to her or preferably email or text her. let her know that you have ended your relationship with her and you do not want any contact from her.

she will try to contact you untill she realize you are gone

good luck

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

I would suggest your read a pinned thread about the rules of NC. in your case, since I sense you still have soft spot in your heart for her ( correct me if I was wrong), i suggest an absolute NC.

she is a mess no doubt, if you asm my opinion if the Relationship could be fixed, i would say probably but it would require a lot of energy and sacrifices from both of you and I'm not sure she is ready for it. that's why I think it is not worth the effort, if you married and have kids mayyyyy be. if I were you or if you were a close friend o a brother I would urge you to just end it now and move on.

in order to move on you need a NC, it would give you break from her while you get it aall this out of you. before you go NC make sure she knows it too you can talk to her or preferably email or text her. let her know that you have ended your relationship with her and you do not want any contact from her.

she will try to contact you untill she realize you are gone

good luck

 

 

Thank you buddy for your post and yes you are right, I spoke to another girl yesterday that I met on a dating site and I found myself still going to say my ex's name...Its clear that this is going to take time

 

I keep thinking that we were so close to what we both wanted and yet the thing that keeps getting to me is why she chose to do this now?

 

Maybe it was cos of the fact we were so close to marriage that she got nervous, maybe it was the distance and maybe it was cos this guy was just there....Regardless of all this I gave ample chances for us to seperate and get space from each other but she kept telling me she loved me and wanted to be together

 

Logically thinking I realised that she wouldnt book a holiday with this guy after just a few dates together so it must have been longer than I thought and also much deeper than just kissing

 

Im trying NC as I dont want to hear from her again, I feel like I just need time away from her to get over her and truly move on into the next chapter of my life....I know I wont get any more answers from her as to why she did it so whats the point of hanging around and dwelling on it....Only she truly knows

[qubist]

Thank you buddy for your post and yes you are right, I spoke to another girl yesterday that I met on a dating site and I found myself still going to say my ex's name...Its clear that this is going to take time

 

I keep thinking that we were so close to what we both wanted and yet the thing that keeps getting to me is why she chose to do this now?

 

Maybe it was cos of the fact we were so close to marriage that she got nervous, maybe it was the distance and maybe it was cos this guy was just there....Regardless of all this I gave ample chances for us to seperate and get space from each other but she kept telling me she loved me and wanted to be together

 

Logically thinking I realised that she wouldnt book a holiday with this guy after just a few dates together so it must have been longer than I thought and also much deeper than just kissing

 

Im trying NC as I dont want to hear from her again, I feel like I just need time away from her to get over her and truly move on into the next chapter of my life....I know I wont get any more answers from her as to why she did it so whats the point of hanging around and dwelling on it....Only she truly knows

First of all< I'm glad to hear that you were on a dating site that's a good sign that you are working on yourself.

as of why she did it, Human behavior is so complicated and would take a specialist to analyze it. based on what you described I see 2 possibilities;

1- She is just a "Hunter" a woman who's looking for Husband and was evaluating the 2 options in front of her ( at least 2 we don't know of any other possible options), the fact that she was on dating site for people with marriage intention kind of support this.

2- she is confused and have mental issues, the other guy seems decent so no drug or addiction were involved,

so if she is not a husband Hunter she must have personalty issues. like I said before you could take the high risk of looking deep to it and try to fix this which will take sacrifice and effort from both of you with no guarantee success, I would just pass.

Just a note: if she is a hunter she wouldn't spend too much time trying to convince she would just quit and focus on the other target.

Just curious, what did the other guy think about her infidelity did he mention anything about him staying with her?

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

First of all< I'm glad to hear that you were on a dating site that's a good sign that you are working on yourself.

as of why she did it, Human behavior is so complicated and would take a specialist to analyze it. based on what you described I see 2 possibilities;

1- She is just a "Hunter" a woman who's looking for Husband and was evaluating the 2 options in front of her ( at least 2 we don't know of any other possible options), the fact that she was on dating site for people with marriage intention kind of support this.

2- she is confused and have mental issues, the other guy seems decent so no drug or addiction were involved,

so if she is not a husband Hunter she must have personalty issues. like I said before you could take the high risk of looking deep to it and try to fix this which will take sacrifice and effort from both of you with no guarantee success, I would just pass.

Just a note: if she is a hunter she wouldn't spend too much time trying to convince she would just quit and focus on the other target.

Just curious, what did the other guy think about her infidelity did he mention anything about him staying with her?

 

Thanks for your reply buddy!

 

Assessing the situation over the last few days, Im thinking that she is more number 2, the dude she was cheating with was not marriage material and after dating for several weeks/months

 

She is definitely confused and has some serious issues....She has told me she has self esteem issues but doesnt open up to what they are, despite my reassurances that Ive never judged her and all my support to help through this

 

It seems like a lot of her self confidence issues arise from her shyness and also her role within her family/job

 

She also has personality issues as she feels timid and shy when around new people and in crowds or when the attention is on her

 

I can take solace in this knowing that her issues caused this situation and not as a result of things that Ive done...Whatever her problems are I envisage them manifesting them in any future relationship until she resolves them herself

 

The other guy was shocked and said he was going to keep his distance for a while....They will be back at work together in the next few weeks so guess hes waiting for that

 

 

I wrote down a list of all her faults earlier, and neediness and clinginess were 2 big ones, her anger was also an issue and the lack of expressing of her feelings was another

 

Going to write these down on my list of traits that I wont accept in the next girl

 

On a bonus Ive got like 4 numbers from the dating site and speaking to a few girls now which is helping me forget, i think as you get over 30 you think it will be hard to meet someone else but Its been easier than I imagined!

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Coming uptp two months since I found out she was cheating on me and feels like a long time ago now

 

Ive had time to realise that my life isnt over and that I can start again now

 

Given up a long time addiction to smoking weed and been clean for a month now...If there is one blessing to come from this whole situation it has been this and makes me see things much more clearly now rather than being a fiend to the green stuff on a daily basis..Ive realised that kicking this habit will not only improve my mental/physical health in the long term but also will stop a big barrier from me meeting someone new in the future!

 

Also hit the gym and noticing a gain, small but enough to show me that Im determined to get a nice physique and start feeling attractive again

 

Somethings arent meant to be and looking back I think we both wanted to end things during our two years but didnt know how and would have drifted into a unhappy marriage from the outset and then had a much harder time of seperating later down the line...I can actually thank her for ending it now rather than later

 

She contacted me recently and seems like her other lover got tired of her and moved on...Actually made me feel better to know this but to be honest Im nearly at the point where I dont actually care anymore as Im more focused on myself and where my life is going rather then dwelling on the past and what could/would have been

[qubist]

 

She contacted me recently and seems like her other lover got tired of her and moved on...Actually made me feel better to know this but to be honest Im nearly at the point where I dont actually care anymore as Im more focused on myself and where my life is going rather then dwelling on the past and what could/would have been

 

I'm happy for you, you should be proud of your self that you reached this point, trust me it took some years to be there. I can trust that you are free now her contacting you is not harmful any more