My GF dumped me after 11 months of our relationship. Confusion/Dilemma

[CJP]

Sounds like you were her emotional tampon and when she needed you and you weren't there to be her lil' bitch she made a fuss about it. When used you for whatever baggage she has from home, which is still an excuse on her end. Turned you into a weak beta-male that had to play her way or the highway aka she's the man of the relationship and doesn't respect you.

 

Even 2 hours before she broke up, she was very loving toward me. This breakup came as a rude shock to me.

 

Perhaps I wont ever get answers what exactly she felt that time and why she was very brutal toward me at the end.

 

Her last word to me was: F You, Get lost !

 

My last word to her was: I love you.

[Realitycol]

You're going to come back here one day and re-visit that last post you just made and facepalm hard.

 

You don't know me and I'm some guy over the inter web right?

 

If I ran as fast as I can towards you and just swung my fist as hard as I can and landed it right on your crotch what would be your reaction/words towards me?

 

If your "love of your life" or this girl whatever did the exact same, you'd say, "I love you~~~~~~ but but I.."

 

She wants you OUT of her life. You're feeling the loss. You're feeling the fear of never landing a great gal like her who just did what I described above. Why's that? You think you don't deserve someone better? Someone who doesn't pick you up and throw you out in the backyard and light you on fire, but doesn't stick around long enough to sniff what it smells like?

 

There's way too many red flags with this woman, I know for a fact you can do way better. She's 20, she's got lots of growing to do. It's 2015, it's not 1950s where the avg age of people getting engaged and settling with 1 man is early 20s. In my city the avg age girls get married is 29 and 32 for men.

[CJP]

You're going to come back here one day and re-visit that last post you just made and facepalm hard.

 

You don't know me and I'm some guy over the inter web right?

 

If I ran as fast as I can towards you and just swung my fist as hard as I can and landed it right on your crotch what would be your reaction/words towards me?

 

If your "love of your life" or this girl whatever did the exact same, you'd say, "I love you~~~~~~ but but I.."

 

She wants you OUT of her life. You're feeling the loss. You're feeling the fear of never landing a great gal like her who just did what I described above. Why's that? You think you don't deserve someone better? Someone who doesn't pick you up and throw you out in the backyard and light you on fire, but doesn't stick around long enough to sniff what it smells like?

 

There's way too many red flags with this woman, I know for a fact you can do way better. She's 20, she's got lots of growing to do. It's 2015, it's not 1950s where the avg age of people getting engaged and settling with 1 man is early 20s. In my city the avg age girls get married is 29 and 32 for men.

 

We both are from conservative families. I knew she was younger and she herself liked the age gap between us (6 years).

 

I never controlled her, never asked her who she meets, who are her friends, what she wears, where she goes and yet she called me controlling because I stopped her from talking to a couple of guys on twitter who were very cheesy. She used to like me being jealous (in real, i was bit protective). She used to get upset when I used to interact with any girl. I knew here it was not healthy, so I gave her consent to move out if she feels we are not compatible. I did not find strength to end it because I never wanted to abandon her and make her feel worthless and low, in short breaking her heart. I was the older one , so I felt I should be ready for whatever happens next. We loved each other way too much.

 

What I did not expect was she would dump me by humiliating and abusing me, ignore all good things in our relationship but point out only a couple of bad things and then ignore and name-call someone unjustly and make him feel as culprit.. She called me a "thug" for messaging her after 2 days of breakup when she ignored me. She said "you are a thug, u r harassing me, leave me alone".. I then gave her space of about a week and recontacted her to at least not hold grudge against each other and lets end it on a good note. She said "IDGAF, i am happy without u, i dont want u, i dont love u, stop messaging me, you psycho".. This increased my pain and I hit rock bottom in depression.

 

Then i contacted her back after 10 days requesting same thing, thats when she tweeted without mentioning me "Its pathetic. Few ppl dont know where to draw a line, they cant comprehend from their tiny brains that I dont want them anymore in my life. F U, just get lost."

 

She was very sadistic, though I know my constant messaging her would have made her feel very pathetic and she was disgusted.

 

Not even once I was rude to her.. I wanted to end it on a happy note so that i can move on. Ending something so close to my heart with abuses and humiliation has left a deep scar and would haunt me for long time.

 

But i can't do anything about it. Neither can I blame her for what she did. I don't see her happy as before either, I still care for her but I will never try to contact her. I hope she realizes one day and at least free me from this guilt feeling.

[CJP]

I wont be hurt if she finds someone and stays happy with him. She has every right to choose boyfriend of her choice. But I feel very bad the way she hit out at me to get rid of me. I did not deserve it. This is the only thing pushing me back whenever I want to move on.

 

I would have walked out if she was frank, polite and respectful. Or maybe I was expecting way too much. I would never know what went through her mind that time.

 

It's been 14 days and I have not tried to contact her. I at least hope she feels safe. I somewhere feel she is feeling threatened coz she might think I would contact her again. Makes me really feel very bad.

[Realitycol]

Women are emotional being man. She sounds like one of my ex, but can you blame them? You chased her and stalked her so hard you drove her away. She thinks you are crazy and obssessed.

 

See what chasing does? There is a degree where too much is too much. Lets say honey is good for your body. If you over indulged on it it turns poisonous/toxic for our bodies.

 

Let her go for both your sakes. She needs a long time to forget the chase you put out.

[Satu]

It seems obvious that whatever this relationship was, it has run it's course, and she wants out.

 

Her priorities have shifted.

 

By far the best option is to simply accept that.

 

It would be much harder to do that if you'd had a 'real world' relationship, but you didn't. You don't have to miss her smell, because you don't know how she smells. You won't miss cuddling her in bed, because you never have, you won't miss walking hand in hand, because you never have.

 

You can't lose what you've never had.

 

Live your life in the real world with people you can reach out to and touch.

[CJP]

Women are emotional being man. She sounds like one of my ex, but can you blame them? You chased her and stalked her so hard you drove her away. She thinks you are crazy and obssessed.

 

See what chasing does? There is a degree where too much is too much. Lets say honey is good for your body. If you over indulged on it it turns poisonous/toxic for our bodies.

 

Let her go for both your sakes. She needs a long time to forget the chase you put out.

 

I stopped chasing her. I am not even accessible to her now. The reason why she blocked 3 days ago made me feel more worse. She does not even follows me, neither was i active nor contacting her. All my msgs to her were in private, I never publicly messaged her.

 

Is not it unfair you abuse, humiliate someone who loves u so much and then block him when say he is not even alive there?

 

Is it possible by time she will realize what she did was rude? I will never contact her, I cant go there and see her talking to other ppl or some day get to know she is with someone else. I felt she is disturbed there. Her friends say she is not active as before. That's why I was confused if she wants me to react. Even if she wants that, I won't. The least I expect from her is to at least give a proper closure. But i know i wont get that.

[CJP]

It seems obvious that whatever this relationship was, it has run it's course, and she wants out.

 

Her priorities have shifted.

 

By far the best option is to simply accept that.

 

It would be much harder to do that if you'd had a 'real world' relationship, but you didn't. You don't have to miss her smell, because you don't know how she smells. You won't miss cuddling her in bed, because you never have, you won't miss walking hand in hand, because you never have.

 

You can't lose what you've never had.

 

Live your life in the real world with people you can reach out to and touch.

 

2 hours before breakup, she was actually narrating me about her plans, she was telling me about her driving classes and asked me to choose cars we would buy later. She gave no signal of any danger. Everythng happened within span of 2 mins. Just when I said "I am going, i m tired, wont come back"

 

What i meant was i need some rest. Then, she went so wild that I get nightmares of that day even after almost 2 months.

[CJP]

It seems obvious that whatever this relationship was, it has run it's course, and she wants out.

 

Her priorities have shifted.

 

By far the best option is to simply accept that.

 

It would be much harder to do that if you'd had a 'real world' relationship, but you didn't. You don't have to miss her smell, because you don't know how she smells. You won't miss cuddling her in bed, because you never have, you won't miss walking hand in hand, because you never have.

 

You can't lose what you've never had.

 

Live your life in the real world with people you can reach out to and touch.

 

It was also 1st instance of me chasing, pleading her. Before that whenever we argued, i would leave her alone. Whenever she was dull, i wud never push her to talk. Then, she would complain why I was not putting effort to make her happy.

 

But when this happened suddenly and i actually made efforts, she called it harassment. I got suicidal at one point, but I know it was only at that point. I dont have such ideation now

[Realitycol]

When are you going to own up to your mistakes and stop the blames and finger pointing?

 

It's not important that this was your first time chasing her...

 

She told you she doesn't want you.

 

She was even RUDE and punching your balls saying get lost! (Take a hint)

 

Then she blocked you or changed her number whatever came first. (Take a hint, STOP).

 

Then she did additional things like make a new Twitter account. SHE TOLD you she doesn't want you, but you won't accept it and KEEP asking and KEEP bugging and KEEP chasing aka harassment, like c'mon where's your self-respect?

 

Just because she's being emotional and sucking a$$ at communicating or having an immature fit, doesn't mean you get DOWN TO HER LEVEL and try to get LOGIC OUT OF HER WHEN SHE'S emotional. Should've just left your door open, let her know that, then turn 180 degrees, walk straight, never look back.

 

When she cools or comes back to her sense that she was being immature she would've came back apologizing or something. No, you chased her to a degree that it's TOO FAR.

 

YES, showing you CARE is great.

YES, showing you're not apathetic/not cold/invested is great.

BUT, you went way and beyond that.

[CJP]

When are you going to own up to your mistakes and stop the blames and finger pointing?

 

It's not important that this was your first time chasing her...

 

She told you she doesn't want you.

 

She was even RUDE and punching your balls saying get lost! (Take a hint)

 

Then she blocked you or changed her number whatever came first. (Take a hint, STOP).

 

Then she did additional things like make a new Twitter account. SHE TOLD you she doesn't want you, but you won't accept it and KEEP asking and KEEP bugging and KEEP chasing aka harassment, like c'mon where's your self-respect?

 

Just because she's being emotional and sucking a$$ at communicating or having an immature fit, doesn't mean you get DOWN TO HER LEVEL and try to get LOGIC OUT OF HER WHEN SHE'S emotional. Should've just left your door open, let her know that, then turn 180 degrees, walk straight, never look back.

 

When she cools or comes back to her sense that she was being immature she would've came back apologizing or something. No, you chased her to a degree that it's TOO FAR.

 

YES, showing you CARE is great.

YES, showing you're not apathetic/not cold/invested is great.

BUT, you went way and beyond that.

 

I have already agreed to that, that whatever I did after breakup was a huge mistake, which pushed her very, very far way, forever.

 

I even stopped contacting her. Would never do so. I am not active there where she comes. I went into hiding to make her feel secure.

 

Chasing her was biggest mistake and I know it was just last nail in the coffin. When I did not chase, she complained. When I did, she complained. I hope you understand, why I chased. I am not defending what I did, neither blaming her.

 

I want to live normal life, but this guilt feeling I have is stopping me from moving on. Then, I worry for her too ever since I came to know she is not enjoying there, but I know it is none of my business, but I am worried if she is disturbed because of me. I want her to feel safe. I wrote here only to see what others feel, try to analyze her moves, I am not in a position to judge. I know it should not bother me what she is doing, but letting it go is bit hard, so I hope you understand my concern and worry.

 

She gives mixed signals to her friends, happy at a moment and then sad the next.

 

All i know now is to NOT CONTACT HER EVER. Just out of curiosity, I still feel she somewhere expecting me to react or come back as she said to couple of her friends "He went on his own, knowing him, I will be back soon". I did not read too much into this and I slowly stoppped talking to our mutual friends too. I respect her privacy, so I did not make any noise when leaving twitter. I just informed my friends that I am taking a break due to work stress.

 

I am showing restraint, not going there or trying to stalk her even though it's tempting.

 

She has ego issue, she always expect me to take 1st step, this time I wont feed her ego. If she wants me back, she will find me or find a way to contact me. I am not having any expectations though, just think of it as confusion, i am not in position to analyze or comprehend things, thats why I came here so people can help me get better.

 

I am very thankful for your response. I will learn from them

[Realitycol]

Just listen to Elsa and let it go. You got two choices:

 

Happily let it go or

Be grumpy and upset and hold on to grudges and pretend like you let it go

 

You accepted your mistakes.

 

Forgive yourself. I was no different. We ALL, every single one on this board reading or registered made the same mistakes you made.

 

Forgive yourself and also her. Don't hold on to any remorse or regrets or ill feelings. Just, at your pace, let it go.

 

Be good to yourself. Put good things into your body.

 

Whether it was a nice one or a rude one you got a wake up call. You said you want a happy life right? Go be happy. Do something that positively influence your life.

 

For me it was the weights. All my past guilts and frustrations was dealt with the weights.

 

I pushed hard. Being sore was a pleasure and seeing gains made me push harder. Do something to set yourself straight.

[CJP]

Just listen to Elsa and let it go. You got two choices:

 

Happily let it go or

Be grumpy and upset and hold on to grudges and pretend like you let it go

 

You accepted your mistakes.

 

Forgive yourself. I was no different. We ALL, every single one on this board reading or registered made the same mistakes you made.

 

Forgive yourself and also her. Don't hold on to any remorse or regrets or ill feelings. Just, at your pace, let it go.

 

Be good to yourself. Put good things into your body.

 

Whether it was a nice one or a rude one you got a wake up call. You said you want a happy life right? Go be happy. Do something that positively influence your life.

 

For me it was the weights. All my past guilts and frustrations was dealt with the weights.

 

I pushed hard. Being sore was a pleasure and seeing gains made me push harder. Do something to set yourself straight.

 

Thanks for encouragement , I will do that.. I usually workout, but left gym the day after break up lol

 

Anyways, if at some point, she tries to contact me, should I respond or ignore her? Rationally speaking, she won't. Emotionally, she will. In any case, what if she does?

[Realitycol]

Depends on when she contacts you. If she's willing to talk like a grown adult then I'd just not talk about the past or who she's been sleeping with or stuff like that, I'd personally would just set up a definite date to have fun and feel her out and see where it goes. Not talk about relationships or getting into one. Just be cool and fun-filled guy that can properly communicate with women. Cool and collected. If you're not ready for that then you'd need more time.

 

Everybody is different. Some say never to 2nd chances or never to replying back to a dumper.

 

As for me, I'd feel her out and see what she wants and set up a definite date. No strings attached, just have fun. No drama, no bullcrack.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for encouragement , I will do that.. I usually workout, but left gym the day after break up lol

 

Anyways, if at some point, she tries to contact me, should I respond or ignore her? Rationally speaking, she won't. Emotionally, she will. In any case, what if she does?

 

I would simply tell her you agree with her decision to end the relationship, and wish her the best. The. End. No more contact after that.

 

She sounds very immature and emotionally volatile. She's not ready for a serious relationship, clearly. That's not totally abnormal, given her age, but it's not someone you can build a real future with her. For you, it was reality. For her, it was more a fantasy, playing "grown up". She doesn't have the skills to communicate like an adult; she lashes out like a petulant teenager. Imagine what a nightmare that would be in person!

 

As I said before, it would be a good idea to investigate why you allowed yourself to get so wrapped up with a girl you haven't met, and wouldn't have met for almost another year. Is that really how you want to spend your 20s? Hanging on to a computer or phone , when you could be going out on actual dates with women you can touch, see, smell? I think some hard self-reflection would be your best bet now to figure out why you were so willing to sacrifice so much of your time and attention to something that was entirely online.

[Satu]

Snip

 

*2 hours before breakup, she was actually narrating me about her plans, she was telling me about her driving classes and asked me to choose cars we would buy later. She gave no signal of any danger. Everythng happened within span of 2 mins. Just when I said "I am going, i m tired, wont come back"

 

*Can you not see from that how insubstantial and unreal the whole thing was?

 

I don't meet to offend you, but this is more like a fantasy or role playing game that got out of hand, than any kind of real relationship.

 

If you want a girlfriend, go out and find one, not a fantasy.

[CJP]

I would simply tell her you agree with her decision to end the relationship, and wish her the best. The. End. No more contact after that.

 

She sounds very immature and emotionally volatile. She's not ready for a serious relationship, clearly. That's not totally abnormal, given her age, but it's not someone you can build a real future with her. For you, it was reality. For her, it was more a fantasy, playing "grown up". She doesn't have the skills to communicate like an adult; she lashes out like a petulant teenager. Imagine what a nightmare that would be in person!

 

As I said before, it would be a good idea to investigate why you allowed yourself to get so wrapped up with a girl you haven't met, and wouldn't have met for almost another year. Is that really how you want to spend your 20s? Hanging on to a computer or phone , when you could be going out on actual dates with women you can touch, see, smell? I think some hard self-reflection would be your best bet now to figure out why you were so willing to sacrifice so much of your time and attention to something that was entirely online.

 

 

I will do that if she ever tries to contact me.

 

I knew she is still growing up and that's the reason I was bearing whatever she did as I was really in love. It's my 1st online. I had relationship in real but there were no emotions. the girls who proposed or approached me never wanted a serious relationship. This girl I met gave me everything I expected emotionally (i know physical aspect is as important as emotional), but unfortunately due to distance, had to wait for that.. Despite her young age, she showed great maturity until a few days before our break up where she was all stressed and disturbed and used to get mad at slightest of things.

 

It took me some time to even get into this online relationship. She has a year of college now, so I chose 2016 as year to meet her on her bday so that she will be free to spend time with me. She was very enthusiastic and extremely happy about it. Her happiness meant everything to me, the only reason why I always ignored our incompatibility and did not leave her, I borrowed time for myself expecting her to grow, but I myself ended up being very immature and clueless at the end.

 

I would minus all bitter things that happened and would only take pleasant moments we shared and dreamed of.

 

I feel if we had met, things would have been different because you will be confronting the person face to face and even a hug would calm things down in situations like this. In my case here, distance was big minus.

 

I know she is remorseful too but due to her ego, she would never show it.

 

Thanks for the encouragement and inputs, would help me to reflect. I have messed up very badly with my health and mentally drained. Would try to move on by respecting her decision.

[CJP]

Snip

 

 

 

*Can you not see from that how insubstantial and unreal the whole thing was?

 

I don't meet to offend you, but this is more like a fantasy or role playing game that got out of hand, than any kind of real relationship.

 

If you want a girlfriend, go out and find one, not a fantasy.

 

I have been through real one. Seriously, it was not role playing, they were all things we planned, we set up many things, including money, we saved, she joined driving classes, we shortlisted few homes, the car she chose, we were about to save money and buy it once we get together. We did not see things just to fantasize and leave. We were actually working on things. There are many things we already turned real from "fantasy". Without any planning, it was not possible for us to spontaneously do everything once we met. But hard luck.

[tobrieornottobrie]

CJP - Would you consider looking into some counseling for yourself? I think some therapy/counseling could be really helpful based on some of the issues that you described. I hope things get better for you, best of luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been through real one. Seriously, it was not role playing, they were all things we planned, we set up many things, including money, we saved, she joined driving classes, we shortlisted few homes, the car she chose, we were about to save money and buy it once we get together. We did not see things just to fantasize and leave. We were actually working on things. There are many things we already turned real from "fantasy". Without any planning, it was not possible for us to spontaneously do everything once we met. But hard luck.

 

Hm. For example? Talking about something doesn't make it real, as you're now seeing. Dreaming about and narrowing down different homes and cars (which isn't abnormal, I'm sure we all do it sometimes!) isn't reality when you have yet to meet the person you intend to purchase these things with. She likely would've taken driving lessons at some point anyway. You say you saved - I hope you didn't have a joint account? How do you know she was saving?

 

I don't mean to bring you down. Instead, I think it would be healthy for you to see that all this talk of moving and making joint purchases and so on doesn't actually amount to much. It's putting a tremendous amount of pressure on a situation when you have no idea if you would work as a couple, in person. Especially at her age. She is very young to be making such huge decisions.

 

OP, correct me if I'm wrong (or if I've confused you with another person) but were you making plans to move to her country? How far apart are you? I ask because moving to another country is an enormous undertaking (I speak from experience, as I moved from my home country to Italy 2.5 years ago) that comes with its own set of stress. Are you still planning on moving there?

[quattrob]

It was also 1st instance of me chasing, pleading her. Before that whenever we argued, i would leave her alone. Whenever she was dull, i wud never push her to talk. Then, she would complain why I was not putting effort to make her happy.

 

But when this happened suddenly and i actually made efforts, she called it harassment. I got suicidal at one point, but I know it was only at that point. I dont have such ideation now

 

You obviously don't know what she needed and that's not really your fault but it just shows that you 2 were incompatible. You're putting effort when the relationship is broken up is too late. And like someone has said in a previous post, you need to own up your faults and stop making excuses and pointing fingers to justify it. You're basically saying "Yea I made this and this mistake but look at what she did too!". Whether or not she has faults or did any wrongs doesn't change what you did or didn't do.

[CJP]

Hm. For example? Talking about something doesn't make it real, as you're now seeing. Dreaming about and narrowing down different homes and cars (which isn't abnormal, I'm sure we all do it sometimes!) isn't reality when you have yet to meet the person you intend to purchase these things with. She likely would've taken driving lessons at some point anyway. You say you saved - I hope you didn't have a joint account? How do you know she was saving?

 

I don't mean to bring you down. Instead, I think it would be healthy for you to see that all this talk of moving and making joint purchases and so on doesn't actually amount to much. It's putting a tremendous amount of pressure on a situation when you have no idea if you would work as a couple, in person. Especially at her age. She is very young to be making such huge decisions.

 

OP, correct me if I'm wrong (or if I've confused you with another person) but were you making plans to move to her country? How far apart are you? I ask because moving to another country is an enormous undertaking (I speak from experience, as I moved from my home country to Italy 2.5 years ago) that comes with its own set of stress. Are you still planning on moving there?

 

Yes, planned to move to her country though not permanently. She has an ailing mother, so we planned to stay together in her country for like 3-5 years. Moving there was not an issue as I already have few friends and relatives in her country and finding a job was not an issue either. She lives in West, me East on the map. Hope you know now how far is distance, but it did not demoralize us.

 

She is young but mature and whatever plans we had were mostly her own and I had to adjust per her convenience coz she was younger and dependent until of course she started to work. There was a strong trust between us.

 

Her stress mostly comes from 2 things: Her father's rage issue and her mother's illness. When I was bit moody, it only made her stress level go worse from bad. Otherwise, she has never been this mad at me.

 

I was told in morning that she has unprotected her account and tweeted lyrics of my "fav song" and was watching my "fav movie" and also a favorited a tweet which says "she's missing someone..." She is visibly upset. I did not go to check as I don't want to contact her. This is 1st indication she ever gave she's missing me, though I know it means nothing and I should stick to not contacting her. I care for her, but I still acknowledge the fact that I might not be person for her or she is not for me. I am showing restraint and it's hardest thing to do for me now.

[CJP]

CJP - Would you consider looking into some counseling for yourself? I think some therapy/counseling could be really helpful based on some of the issues that you described. I hope things get better for you, best of luck.

 

Thank you. I am sad mostly because I care for her. Most of her time revolved around me, she used to find comfort and peace in me. I will be fine once I am convinced she is going to be fine. But from what I hear, she is not her usual self. Maybe, by time she will be okay, so will I.

[CJP]

You obviously don't know what she needed and that's not really your fault but it just shows that you 2 were incompatible. You're putting effort when the relationship is broken up is too late. And like someone has said in a previous post, you need to own up your faults and stop making excuses and pointing fingers to justify it. You're basically saying "Yea I made this and this mistake but look at what she did too!". Whether or not she has faults or did any wrongs doesn't change what you did or didn't do.

 

I am not making any excuses. I am describing the things between us so it helps people guide me better and understand our relationship better.

 

I am not putting any more efforts. I already did and made things worse. Before taking any step further , I wanted to read opinions from different people. The reason why I came here. I have already accepted what few ppl advised me here and following it.

 

I never came here to complain about the person I have loved the most. Her happiness means world to me. I have reached a point where I consider my happiness above my existence. Maybe that sounds very clingy and exaggerated. But i truly mean it.

[CJP]

I am not making any excuses. I am describing the things between us so it helps people guide me better and understand our relationship better.

 

I am not putting any more efforts. I already did and made things worse. Before taking any step further , I wanted to read opinions from different people. The reason why I came here. I have already accepted what few ppl advised me here and following it.

 

I never came here to complain about the person I have loved the most. Her happiness means world to me. I have reached a point where I consider my happiness above my existence. Maybe that sounds very clingy and exaggerated. But i truly mean it.

 

Her happiness above my existence*