Vernanern Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I am a 21 year old female dating a 23 year old male for 4 months. I really like him, but it bothers me that he still lives at home and has no plans for his life. He went to college for two years but dropped out because he lacked direction, and is now paying back his student loans while working at a restaurant. He has never lived out of his parents' house and while I think he would like to, he's not doing anything to make that happen. He is a great guy, very hardworking, responsible, and sweet, but he doesn't seem to have much motivation. I am currently in college (4th year), I live in my own apartment, and although I also work in a restaurant, I have many goals for my future and I am working towards a career and financial stability. It bothers me that my boyfriend doesn't know what to pursue as a career and isn't trying to figure it out. I would like to build my future with someone but I don't know if that can happen with him. Should I talk to him about this? It really eats at me, but I almost feel like it would just be better to break up with him and spare him possibly feeling like I'm calling him a failure. I'm all for working on things in relationships but I don't know if anything good could come from confronting him about this. Maybe I am being weird about this or too critical of him, idk. I would appreciate any advice or thoughts about the situation!
wb1988 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 It's almost impossible to get someone to improve themselves unless they want to as well. Drive, ambition and motivation comes from within and if it's not there then it just isn't there, I'm sure you already know this. Most guys get sick and tired of living with our parents and we can't wait to get a job so we can get our own place (actually for me I got my own place immediately after university, even before I even got my first real job ). I know a few guys who just don't have it and are totally okay with living with their parents. Maybe he's fine with it, and if you aren't then you know what to do. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Honestly? I probably wouldn't invest in this guy as you both seem to have totally different goals in life. You need to be with someone who shares your ambition to better yourself and to have a career that sustains and supports you for life. I agree with you that confronting him with this will make him feel resentful and defensive. He's chosen his path, you've chosen another. It is what it is. 2
oldshirt Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Respect and admiration are huge parts of desire and if you can't respect them then eventually the blue eyes and biceps won't be enough to hold your desire and you will lose attraction for him even if he is sweet. It's just a matter of time before someone who is ambitious and driven will catch your eye. You are rapidly approaching the age where traits like ambition and motivation and organization and maturity begin to matter more than traits like looks and athleticism etc. As was noted before by one of the posters above, motivation and ambition etc come from within as part of someone's persona and character and are not something that can be readily changed by someone else like wardrobe and style of dress etc. As part of your own maturity and self-determination, you will have some decisions to make regarding your own future. will you still with someone just because he is sweet and comfortable? Or will take the steps to find the right person that better matches your longer term life goals? You are going to break up with this guy in time. It's just a matter of how. will you do it in controlled and positive manner, or will it be in a harsh and conflicting manner if you cheat with someone else and dump him cold and blindside him? 1
Vintage79 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I am a 21 year old female dating a 23 year old male for 4 months. I really like him, but it bothers me that he still lives at home and has no plans for his life. He went to college for two years but dropped out because he lacked direction, and is now paying back his student loans while working at a restaurant. He has never lived out of his parents' house and while I think he would like to, he's not doing anything to make that happen. He is a great guy, very hardworking, responsible, and sweet, but he doesn't seem to have much motivation. I am currently in college (4th year), I live in my own apartment, and although I also work in a restaurant, I have many goals for my future and I am working towards a career and financial stability. It bothers me that my boyfriend doesn't know what to pursue as a career and isn't trying to figure it out. I would like to build my future with someone but I don't know if that can happen with him. Should I talk to him about this? It really eats at me, but I almost feel like it would just be better to break up with him and spare him possibly feeling like I'm calling him a failure. I'm all for working on things in relationships but I don't know if anything good could come from confronting him about this. Maybe I am being weird about this or too critical of him, idk. I would appreciate any advice or thoughts about the situation! I'm sorry, this just sounds like you're ragging on him because you want to break up with him, don't want to admit it to yourself, and now are seeking external validation and motivation to leave - just do it, don't rely on people on a forum to tell you that...this behavior screams low self esteem. The reality is that these day's it's super common for 23 year olds to be living at home for a little while as they get their life figured out...just because you likely have a small, baby sized apartment, doesn't mean that you have everything put together...you're in college, don't have a real job, etc...not all that much different than this guy, except for you claim that you know what you want - which truthfully, is a bit naive for a 21 year old, but more power to you for thinking you've solved your life. My view is you're being a bit too critical, as you're honestly, based on what you've said,, you're not all that much different than he is right now (although you likely believe that you are) and you should break up with him, as you are saying he's a failure, even thought he's living the typical life of a 23 year old right now. If you really like him, it's probably just worth having the conversation - ask him what his goals are, prod him to get his plan...it's not going to hurt, and not necessarily that confrontational, unless he's defensive about it...the fact that you're asking this question on a forum, speaks towards your general lack of maturity, and the entire gist of this post... 2
Walters Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I never understand why people put so much emphasis on having your own place when you are in your early to mid-twenties. I can agree that being 30 plus and still living at home (without valid reason) is a large issue. Some people don’t have an option and must set out on their own when they are very young. However, if you can and your parents are ok with it you should stick around and build your career and stack savings. Throwing your money at some rent that has zero investment and zero tax write offs just so you can say “I am on my own” to a date is crazy. Let’s assume he gets his own place 2,000 a month in expenses (rent, bills, etc). In 3 years (age 26) that is 72,000 dollars which could be 20% down payment on a 350,000 dollar house. This results in borrowing 280k which is 1500 a month payment (assuming 5% which is high interest for the current market) making it cost about the same as his rent. However you get a tax write off for the interest at the end of the year so you get back thousands depending on what tax bracket it puts you in. A 72,000 mistake to rent early in life. But hey, you can tell your date that you live on your own right? Plug in any monthly rent/expense numbers you want, the end result is the same with a different number figure. With that said if he is NOT working towards something it’s an issue. However you should make sure by having this conversation with him. Ask him where he wants to be in 5/10 and what he is doing to make that happen. If you don’t like his answer you can make your choice here.
Author Vernanern Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 That's the thing is that he isn't saving at all while at home. It's not some sort of strategy lol. I've asked him about his goals and he couldn't name one. I don't claim to have it all together, but at least I'm trying things and moving towards what I think is the right plan for me. If that doesn't work out, I will do something else but I don't think it's good to hide out at home avoiding responsibilities of the real world. Thanks guys, I'm pretty confident about what I have to do!
RoseVille Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I was in your shoes at your age, living alone and just finishing college - I was a year ahead of my peers. I had goals I was actively pursuing. My then-BF dropped out of college, but started pursuing his career full stop. I can't imagine staying with him if he was like yours.
No_Go Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 The only reason to give him the benefit of the doubt is the fact that he's young. If he was late 20s, my advice will be run the hills from him. But your boyfriend is just 23 so the things MAY change. It really up to you to put the effort or not. Do you plan to settle down / get married / have children (not necessarily with him, just general life plans) within the next 3-4 years? If yes, move on. He's not ready for important steps from all that you describe. I am a 21 year old female dating a 23 year old male for 4 months. I really like him, but it bothers me that he still lives at home and has no plans for his life. He went to college for two years but dropped out because he lacked direction, and is now paying back his student loans while working at a restaurant. He has never lived out of his parents' house and while I think he would like to, he's not doing anything to make that happen. He is a great guy, very hardworking, responsible, and sweet, but he doesn't seem to have much motivation. I am currently in college (4th year), I live in my own apartment, and although I also work in a restaurant, I have many goals for my future and I am working towards a career and financial stability. It bothers me that my boyfriend doesn't know what to pursue as a career and isn't trying to figure it out. I would like to build my future with someone but I don't know if that can happen with him. Should I talk to him about this? It really eats at me, but I almost feel like it would just be better to break up with him and spare him possibly feeling like I'm calling him a failure. I'm all for working on things in relationships but I don't know if anything good could come from confronting him about this. Maybe I am being weird about this or too critical of him, idk. I would appreciate any advice or thoughts about the situation!
Ruby Slippers Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 People are generally motivated and goal-oriented or not. Most people establish their patterns from a fairly young age and don't deviate from that too much. The ambitious people I know have been that way since they were teenagers. You can talk to your boyfriend about what's on your mind, but the fact is he's showing you right now who he is and what he wants his life to be. So I think you can basically accept him and love him as he is, or not. At most, I would ask some questions about his hopes and plans for the future in a non-judgmental way, and see what he says. Then you'll have more information to base your decision on. Don't try to sway him either way. Just listen to what he says without any pressure or influence. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 You're only 21, so by most standards you have at least 10 years before you should even think about getting married (unless you live in Alabama or something). Most people don't really know what they want at 21 or 23. In all honesty, you're wasting away the best years of your life when you should be having fun. If this guy is as good as you say he is, you shouldn't spend all your time worrying about him not fitting everything on your checklist. After you get past 30 and start thinking about marriage and kids, then you can start worrying about 5 year plans. For now, have some fun and try not to give yourself an ulcer.
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I'm impressed with young people that get a head start on prioritizing their goals, but what doesn't impress me are those who waste their time on a relationship with someone who is not compatible or on the same page. If he doesn't meet your expectations, what the hell are you dating for? Don't complain and expect them to change. It's way easier to find someone else who is like minded. Staying with someone and hoping for things to improve is only going to hold you back. Remember this isn't high school where having a BF was just that, a BF,... this is adulthood, with responsibilities you need to take seriously because you are the one who watches over you. It matters what choices you make. If you want to keep getting ahead, you need to leave him behind.
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