PogoStick Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I listened to an hour long interview from the writer at Shaunti Feldhahn - Research, Insight, Hope very well spoken. She says the ultimate question of doubt that women feel is "Am I lovable?". This means the man's role is to make a woman feel loved. She talks how men feel marriage (or even LTR) commitment makes the love statement, and then men feel it's a done deal. But for women, that doubt doesn't go away. She says women want to feel the man chooses her everyday. It might just be holding her hand in public, but it tells the woman she's lovable. Any women want to admit to that doubt, "Am I lovable"? Do you agree with the need for men to answer that doubt regularly? 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I honestly believe every single woman has asked herself that, in one or more relationships. In my opinion, it's a sign of the conditioning we have been subjected to over the millennia. Generally speaking, women have been regarded as property. Marriages, once upon a time, were not indicative of the passionate love of a relationship, but were bargaining tools, a merchandise exchange, one in which a woman provided the link to financial security by connecting two families who would reap mutual advantages. In some societies, women are still downgraded - and DEgraded - by being considered to be no more than reliable and profitable sources of physical and financial advantage. So women have been conditioned to believe they are the weaker sex. The common phrases of "The woman on his arm" (makes it sound like a wristwatch or cufflink) or 'the wife' (when we speak of 'my' son, 'my' daughter, 'my' dog...) all point to ownership rather than equal partnership. Yes, women like to be appreciated and loved. Yes, we like to be told. Yes, we like to be reassured. And as has happened on this website more than once, when a man goes off sex with his wife, for no apaprent reason, and medical issues have been ruled out, such a snub can be devastating, because its effect is both physical AND emotional. Men lament a lack of sex in their marriages, and the reasons apparently seem to be they miss the physical release. I think for a woman it's considered to be a personal slight, a snub to her identity as a wife and partner, and it belittles her emotional commitment. A woman who is deprived of sex from her husband, feels it keenly, and certainly feeds the 'unlovable' sentiment.
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Case in point: This thread illustrates my point. Read the first post, then the replies from the first two male contributors. She feels bereft of attention and affection and has taken it personally. They appear to be implying that her attitude is a contributive cause... So she is receiving blame, for his inadequacy (whatever that may be down to. A medical cause has not been ruled out).
TouchedByViolet Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 At the core of am I lovable is insecurity. The more often it is felt the higher the insecurity. It doesn't matter how smart, good looking or succesful the person is in life. They lack an internal security. I see it all the time. Romantically women regularly want the approval of men they are interested in.
Vintage79 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 At the core of am I lovable is insecurity. The more often it is felt the higher the insecurity. It doesn't matter how smart, good looking or succesful the person is in life. They lack an internal security. I see it all the time. Romantically women regularly want the approval of men they are interested in. I think the approval statement is true of all genders - insecurity stems from overall level of self-esteem...psychology studies have illustrated that ON AVERAGE women have lower self esteem than men (note that average millions of people means there are plenty of outlier situations), which may explain why this issue is more firmly associated with women than men...but let me tell you, all genders like knowing that their partner approves and appreciates them...
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I think the approval statement is true of all genders - insecurity stems from overall level of self-esteem...psychology studies have illustrated that ON AVERAGE women have lower self esteem than men (note that average millions of people means there are plenty of outlier situations), which may explain why this issue is more firmly associated with women than men...but let me tell you, all genders like knowing that their partner approves and appreciates them... Yes, but appreciation and approval aren't the question. The question focuses on the 'lovable' and I can't think of any one instance where a man would ask if he is lovable. Sure. Everyone wants to be understood and appreciated and approved of, but they like it expressed in different ways. How would a woman show you she appreciates you and approves of you, and understands your needs? How would you LIKE her to demonstrate it? A woman wants to know she is lovable by her partner. That's different to appreciation and approval. Certainly - as a woman - I see the distinction.
wb1988 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 This means the man's role is to make a woman feel loved. She talks how men feel marriage (or even LTR) commitment makes the love statement, and then men feel it's a done deal. But for women, that doubt doesn't go away. She says women want to feel the man chooses her everyday. It might just be holding her hand in public, but it tells the woman she's lovable. It goes both ways. A lot of women let themselves go after marriage as if it's a done deal as well. I think ultimately all relationships should be like dating, the length of a relationship should only affect how long you're willing to put up with bad times before you decide to leave. Generally speaking, women have been regarded as property. Marriages, once upon a time Oh no not this medieval BS again. Don't worry I think most people stopped reading your post from this point. studies have illustrated that ON AVERAGE women have lower self esteem than men The fact that studies had to been done to prove that just shows that we as humans might very well be doomed.
Toodaloo Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 It goes both ways. A lot of women let themselves go after marriage as if it's a done deal as well. I think ultimately all relationships should be like dating, the length of a relationship should only affect how long you're willing to put up with bad times before you decide to leave. What a load of tosh. Every couple has bad spells. It not how long you put up with it - it is how you both deal with it that really matters. Not every human in this world is disposable and quickly replaced by another. If it were I would have a rugby team purchased from Amazon filling up my living room and cooking my supper in loin cloths right now... 2
Tiger Lily Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 The bible says: "Husbands love your wives", and "Wives, respect your husbands". Thousands of years ago, when these words were written, I think couples were asking themselves these same questions. From my view (as a Christian believer), God knew that these issues were going to be points of contention, and was sure to address the topic . I think the bible commands us to do these things because: They are important for the partner. Feeling loved is very important to women. And feeling respected in a relationship is very important for a man.They are not easy things to do all the time. When the road gets rough in a marriage, it can be hard for a woman to respect her husband, and hard for a man to be loving towards his wife. I do think though that we both need both qualities. Men still need love and women also want to feel respected. But if you have to pick the most important one to each, I think the bible got it right. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I listened to an hour long interview from the writer at Shaunti Feldhahn - Research, Insight, Hope very well spoken. She says the ultimate question of doubt that women feel is "Am I lovable?". This means the man's role is to make a woman feel loved. She talks how men feel marriage (or even LTR) commitment makes the love statement, and then men feel it's a done deal. But for women, that doubt doesn't go away. She says women want to feel the man chooses her everyday. It might just be holding her hand in public, but it tells the woman she's lovable. Any women want to admit to that doubt, "Am I lovable"? Do you agree with the need for men to answer that doubt regularly? A better question is "am I happy". And, before she can truly be happy in a relationship she needs to be able to make herself happy and be happy with herself when the man she is with doesn't tell her or show her every minute of every day that he loves her. She needs to accept the fact that men don't express love the same way a woman does and it is, in fact, less often than a woman does or wants/needs. A woman doesn't need a man to make her happy. Having a man in her life should only enhance the happiness she already has, not bring it all to her. That's a lot of work and expectation to put on a man. If a man senses or feels that he is solely responsible for her happiness and feels he is failing her in some ways he feels defeated. If she is happy and secure in herself, she doesn't need constant reassurance. "Loveability" starts with a woman's ability to love herself. When a woman doesn't love herself, it's harder for a man to love her. If she has self-esteem problems, doesn't like herself for various reasons, a man isn't going to be able to make those things go away. If she has these kinds of things going on, her "loveability" is reduced as well. 1
kendahke Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Does she love herself, first of all? If she does, the rest will take care of itself.
stillafool Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I know I'm lovable and I don't need a man to show me that in order to believe it.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I think a man can love his wife/partner deeply and profoundly, but if he doesn't make her feel sexy and desirable, everything else goes out the door. Women have to feel like they are wanted, like they are a living, sexual organism. So, in essence, I would disagree that women need to be reassured "Am I lovable?" It's not enough. Or it doesn't meet all requirements.
guest569 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I have asked "why am i unloveable?" My ex never loved me, I'm always getting dumped. And not just by men, in general.
Haydn Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I have asked "why am i unloveable?" My ex never loved me, I'm always getting dumped. And not just by men, in general. Wrong bloke. (He was). He lost out, not you. 1
Author PogoStick Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 I'll have you deconstruct men in another thread but I'd like to focus on women in this one. The author's conclusions come surveys of well over 10,000 women and verified through interviews and multiple ways of asking questions. In short, her methodology is robust. The "lovable" theme shows up in over 75% of women's responses. One example is how men can shut down in an argument, or they need a time out to think/process what's going on. This triggers the woman's "am I lovable" fear. It's helpful if women understand the male/female difference so she doesn't jump to that conclusion, and for the man to understand how this action can trigger that insecurity.
Tiger Lily Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 A woman doesn't need a man to make her happy. Having a man in her life should only enhance the happiness she already has, not bring it all to her. That's a lot of work and expectation to put on a man. If a man senses or feels that he is solely responsible for her happiness and feels he is failing her in some ways he feels defeated. If she is happy and secure in herself, she doesn't need constant reassurance. "Loveability" starts with a woman's ability to love herself. When a woman doesn't love herself, it's harder for a man to love her. If she has self-esteem problems, doesn't like herself for various reasons, a man isn't going to be able to make those things go away. If she has these kinds of things going on, her "loveability" is reduced as well. That's nice in theory, but in reality, most women need to hear that they're loved and desired, continuously. A man who thinks that it's annoying to put that effort in because women should just realize how men think seems like a man who is destined to be in an unsatisfying relationship. It's such a small thing to do: it doesn't take a lot of time, money, strength, thought, or effort. All men have to do is say, "I love you", "you're beautiful". So simple, and yet such an impact for women. That's what relationships are really about: sacrificing to make the other person happy.
regine_phalange Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I rarely feel that someone really loves me, be it a boyfriend, a friend or family. I don't care if someone doesn't say it out loud. If he spends quality time with me and is affectionate and respectful then I feel loved.
S_A Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I listened to an hour long interview from the writer at Shaunti Feldhahn - Research, Insight, Hope very well spoken. She says the ultimate question of doubt that women feel is "Am I lovable?". This means the man's role is to make a woman feel loved. She talks how men feel marriage (or even LTR) commitment makes the love statement, and then men feel it's a done deal. But for women, that doubt doesn't go away. She says women want to feel the man chooses her everyday. It might just be holding her hand in public, but it tells the woman she's lovable. Any women want to admit to that doubt, "Am I lovable"? Do you agree with the need for men to answer that doubt regularly? I think I agree with this. I also find nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't fault a woman for feeling this way.
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 affirmation i believe is one of the love languages...and i dont think there is anything wrong with a human wanting to feel validated with love and being loved...in a relationship or ...even alone....being loved....is close to a core need....people who are unloved and unwanted dont thrive ......thats simple fact......its sad that today with love,its looked at as a handicap if you admit ...i need to be loved .....like you are insecure because you want a regular affirmation of being loved ....love should be shown...often......in many simple and kind ways.....and then people wouldnt worry so much in the first place........... ill be one woman who is confident enough to say...i need love in my life...not due to any insecurity or the fact my childhood was messed up and my daddy didnt love me like he should and now i need to cling too someone and drown them in my want to be loved......................i want to be told regularly i am loved...because there is no better feeling in the world than to be loved and love in return...with that in mind.....i also want to tell others that i love them.and especially when i have a a special someone .....as often as needed....and often enough.....for them to feel it....and i would say that in public too......deb 4
torturedartist Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I listened to an hour long interview from the writer at Shaunti Feldhahn - Research, Insight, Hope very well spoken. She says the ultimate question of doubt that women feel is "Am I lovable?". This means the man's role is to make a woman feel loved. She talks how men feel marriage (or even LTR) commitment makes the love statement, and then men feel it's a done deal. But for women, that doubt doesn't go away. She says women want to feel the man chooses her everyday. It might just be holding her hand in public, but it tells the woman she's lovable. Any women want to admit to that doubt, "Am I lovable"? Do you agree with the need for men to answer that doubt regularly? If you want to be lovable then "be" lovable. Note that "be" is an action verb that requires some effort on the part of a noun. Go to some effort to be lovable. Don't just let yourself go and expect a man to find you lovable because that would be really nice.
regine_phalange Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 affirmation i believe is one of the love languages...and i dont think there is anything wrong with a human wanting to feel validated with love and being loved...in a relationship or ...even alone....being loved....is close to a core need....people who are unloved and unwanted dont thrive ......thats simple fact......its sad that today with love,its looked at as a handicap if you admit ...i need to be loved .....like you are insecure because you want a regular affirmation of being loved ....love should be shown...often......in many simple and kind ways.....and then people wouldnt worry so much in the first place........... ill be one woman who is confident enough to say...i need love in my life...not due to any insecurity or the fact my childhood was messed up and my daddy didnt love me like he should and now i need to cling too someone and drown them in my want to be loved......................i want to be told regularly i am loved...because there is no better feeling in the world than to be loved and love in return...with that in mind.....i also want to tell others that i love them.and especially when i have a a special someone .....as often as needed....and often enough.....for them to feel it....and i would say that in public too......deb I feel the same way too. When I don't feel loved and wanted I can't feel happy. I may have a good time and I may progress by myself but I'm not happy, there's something missing. Not everything is self-service in this world. And you know, in Maslow's hierarchy of needs Love/Belonging comes as a more basic need than Esteem and Self-Actualization, just after Physiological needs and Safety needs. 2
regine_phalange Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 If you want to be lovable then "be" lovable. Note that "be" is an action verb that requires some effort on the part of a noun. Go to some effort to be lovable. Don't just let yourself go and expect a man to find you lovable because that would be really nice. Unconditional love is a unicorn....
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Oh no not this medieval BS again. Don't worry I think most people stopped reading your post from this point. Well, if you HAD read the whole of the post, it really isn't 'medieval BS'. It's still happening today, so it's hardly historic. And thank you for the post critique. I dare say you may be right, but hey, it entertained you....
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