pasteurization Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I've been in a rough situation and it always helps to get some feedback from everyone on this site. A woman broke up with me 7 months ago to be with a long lost love who'd come back into her life. It was a wrenching decision for her, but she made it, largely because I wouldn't commit (those interested in the whole story can see my previous posts) I went NC, but she constantly would write me, saying that she desperately needed me as her best friend, and that she still loved me (too), even though she was now engaged to the other guy. I stayed with the NC until last week when I truly thought I was over all this and could just see her without emotion. We have a lot in common and she'd make a great friend. We met for a drink, and instantly the old chemistry was obvious. I have dated a lot and never found a bond like this in my life. We talked for hours, then at the end couldn't resist and ended up kissing and holding each other for a very long time. We talked the next day, and she still is planning to marry this guy (she's. known him for 15 years), but says she can't give me up. I know the right thing to do. I am just finding it so hard again to let go. I've tried to move on and have now found someone else who interests me, but not nearly with the same intensity. As I mentioned, it always helps to hear all comments, good and bad, from others, so please let me have it.... Thanks as always... P
Oregon_Dude Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 She's a total nutbar, and so are you for indulging her. She's getting married, and she tells you she loves you? That's insane behavior. No contact with this one. Like, for the rest of your life. 2
Author pasteurization Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Yeah, Oregon, I know. That's why it helps to write it out and hear other people say it's crazy. When you're in the middle of something and emotions are out of control, it feels like it makes sense. It's only when you can step back that you can see the true picture.
Gus Grimly Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 We talked for hours, then at the end couldn't resist and ended up kissing and holding each other for a very long time. We talked the next day, and she still is planning to marry this guy (she's. known him for 15 years), but says she can't give me up. I feel bad for the fiance, he's the victim in all this. I'm surprised you two didn't get a hotel room after that. Can't give up on you? Just look how she thoughtlessly kisses and holds you when she's made a promise to another man. She's selfish, lacks guilt, morals, character and empathy. You really can trust a person like that? Especially since she ended it with you to be with this guy? Oh and the "let's be friends" never works. It's drama, hurt and pain waiting to happen. 1
Author pasteurization Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Thanks Gus-- Yes, It's a very strange situation that I don't fully understand. There are some family issues, and she has referred to her new engagement as an "arranged marriage" (even though that's not the literal case). I wish it were as easy as to simply walk away and forget, but as always, there are some serious emotional ties involved. I'd appreciate more commentary from anyone. It does make it easier to hear all this input.
aloneinaz Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I'm not familiar with your story but I'll assume she ended the relationship. So, you still covet her, feel your connection to her was amazing and don't want to fully let go? I get it, I've had a relationship like that. Amazing chemistry/connection, over the top sex, etc.. The problem? We simply where not compatible and the R/S wasn't healthy. Any relationship that endures a breakup is not a good one. Add a couple of break ups? It's toxic. What you need to do is not let her have her cake and eat it too. You're engaging with her which is keeping you stuck. She loves that she has a BF and her ex both wanting her.. It's like a drug feeling for her. You're her dealer and are providing it for her.. What you need to do is vanish from her life. It didn't work. She's getting married now and is a douche bag to string you along and cheat on her BF/fiancé for her selfish reasons. Clearly, you KNOW that staying in contact with an ex prevents you from fully healing and moving forward. Make a decision here. Keep staying in the drama and emotional turmoil or go strick NC and focus on your next great relationship that will come.
qubist Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Pasteurization: i have followed your story since the initial post and I would like to share some thought 1: she is not normal , unless she works on her personality she will never be happy with anybody neither with you, the fiance nor anybody in the world. she will find ways to break up and she will never be satisfied. I kind of feel bad for her. she really needs professional help. 2: NC means NO CONTACT, you weren't ready for her back into your life yet and honestly maybe you never going to be. you still have a spot in your heart with that being said you should start all over again. send her an email or a text telling her that you no longer need her an your life and you wish that she never contact you. then go for an eternal NC 1
dyna85 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Well for starters, she's not a catch if she's two timing you both by kissing you and yet being engaged or whatever to this other guy. Just as important as the in-love feeling is the character and integrity of the person. In this case, she lacks ethics if she's engaging in physical intimacy with you as well as the other guy. She's not trustworthy. The fact too that she wants to keep you in her life at the detriment of your emotional well being (considering how difficult this situation is for you) is selfishness on her part. It's definitely going to take time to move forward from this, but 7 months is not a lot of time in 'breakup time.' I think you need time and distance from this person. Lots of time and lots of distance, for your own personal well being. You have to think of yourself. Don't allow her to keep you as option B, especially if it's hurting you.
Author pasteurization Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 It is amazing how much it helps to read these comments. Although I knew very well that there were serious problems with her behavior toward both me and her fiancée, hearing the same viewpoint from others really makes it easier to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing by getting her out of my life and moving on. In the last two days neither one of us has contacted each other. I think we both feel ashamed and confused. I'm done, and if she does contact me I'll make it clear that we aren't going to be in touch again. Thanks everyone (and more comments are welcome!) 1
qubist Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 It is amazing how much it helps to read these comments. Although I knew very well that there were serious problems with her behavior toward both me and her fiancée, hearing the same viewpoint from others really makes it easier to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing by getting her out of my life and moving on. In the last two days neither one of us has contacted each other. I think we both feel ashamed and confused. I'm done, and if she does contact me I'll make it clear that we aren't going to be in touch again. Thanks everyone (and more comments are welcome!) That would be the best thing for you, just remember NC means absolute no contact, as long as you have a soft spot in your heart for her contact will always be dangerous. in another hand I really feel bad for her she needs someone to push her and help her get out of her mental mess, it just doesn't have to be you
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